Understanding the Emotional Side of Downsizing and Moving On

[00:00:02] What you want, when you want it, where you want it. This is The MESH. Families often think of downsizing as a practical task. Sorting belongings, packing boxes, and deciding what stays and what goes. But for older adults, the process is often much more personal.

[00:00:31] Every room, every photograph, every keepsake can represent a lifetime of memories, relationships, and milestones. Today we're talking about why downsizing is about so much more than stuff. How families can navigate the process with compassion and practical ways to make the journey less overwhelming and more meaningful. Stay with us. We'll be right back.

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[00:01:27] Welcome. I'm your host, Karen Summey, with ACAP Community and a Family Caregiver. We're delighted you've joined us. The average home in America can have hundreds of thousands of items in it. Whether they're priceless heirlooms or spur-of-the-moment junk, they all create decision points that can be overwhelming for those who are forced to deal with them. That means a huge amount of stress and often a huge amount of time.

[00:01:57] Today, I'm joined by Ms. Shannon Steiger, a realtor and certified senior housing professional with Copper Creek Real Estate in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Ms. Steiger has helped hundreds of families through the life transition of downsizing their home. Shannon is a chapter coordinator of one of our newest ACAP Community chapters located in Oklahoma City. The chapter launches with its first free caregiving program in September, 2026.

[00:02:25] If you're in or around Oklahoma City, we encourage you to look them up. Welcome, Shannon. Thank you so much for being with us today. Oh, well, thank you for inviting me. I'm so excited about talking today with you about this important topic. So am I because I'm going through quite some transitions myself right now, and I may need some of these tips, so I'm going to be listening carefully. Shannon, I ran across an online article recently that talked about items we have in our homes

[00:02:55] that we know we'll never use, but somehow we just can't bring ourselves to get rid of them. How can we explain to others or even to ourselves why we have so much more emotional attachment to things than we expect to? I really believe it drills down that downsizing is so much more than getting rid of things. And people, when they think downsizing, instantly think, I have to get rid of everything.

[00:03:26] It's really about transitions. And so all of those transitions happen for different reasons. Sometimes people downsize and they're excited about their next chapter and they know they're going to this new place. It may be for lots of different reasons. They may have less maintenance. They're able to travel more. It gives them less housekeeping. They're going to get meals provided for them. So they're excited about their move.

[00:03:53] Then you have people who are downsizing who may be in more of a crisis mode and they have less choices. And then they're having to leave much more behind. And it's not the stuff they're leaving behind as much as they've left behind decision making. And they're not able to process. They just have to take what is immediately in front of them.

[00:04:19] So no matter what the reason, when someone's downsizing and they're thinking about their belongings, what they're really reflecting on is their lives. They're thinking about how and where did I get this item. And it may be something as simple as a package of pencils that you've packed and unpacked the last 15 years or the last 15 times you moved. And they were pencils you had in high school.

[00:04:47] It could be a collection of matchbox toys or matchbox cars that you've had and you've been collecting since you were seven. And you've moved them each time and each one has a different memory of where you may have purchased them or you purchased them with your grandparent. All sorts of things that we have trigger those emotions, those memories, those places and people that we've connected with.

[00:05:15] The thing I've learned with downsizing that people often forget it's not about one decision. Downsizing the decision to downsize is maybe the first decision. But what happens is that there's hundreds and thousands of decisions that you're going to make during that downsizing process.

[00:05:39] Every drawer, every closet, everything is full of things that we have that may trigger memories, may have forgotten you had it, or something that you forgot, or it just makes you remember your life. It makes you reflective. At the heart, downsizing is really about reflection and legacy.

[00:06:05] It's about people looking back at their life that they've built while trying to decide what they want to carry forward. When families understand that, they become much more patient and compassionate about the process. They realize that it isn't about the stuff. It's not about cleaning out the house. It's about honoring a lifetime, lifetime lived. You are so right.

[00:06:35] And, you know, I have tried this so many times and I've moved several times. And each time you try to get rid of things before you make a move. And it's really difficult and it takes a long time because you get stuck. And you start looking at each little item and thinking, well, I haven't seen that in a long time. Maybe I didn't need that or maybe I do. Maybe I will need that sometime. But it's really difficult to make some of those decisions.

[00:07:04] And, you know, I said a moment ago that people's houses have an average of hundreds of thousands of items in them. And I read that the average was about 320,000 items. That's a lot of items. And there are going to be numerous multiples in that number, like pieces of silverware or bobby pins or whatever the case may be. But each type of item is still a decision point. And that is a lot of work.

[00:07:34] So when someone is struggling to let go of a lifetime of belongings, what approaches have you found that actually helped them move forward while still honoring the memories of those items? Well, I'm going to tell you the first thing that I let anybody know that begins the downsizing process is that they're going to find it difficult. And just because what they're doing is hard doesn't mean it's wrong.

[00:08:01] That they're having a very natural human emotion and a response. Because often people will think that this shouldn't be this hard. It wasn't hard the last time I moved. But the last time you moved, it may have been 50 years ago or 40 years ago. And you've collected a lot of stuff in that period of time. One of the biggest mistakes people often make is expecting that their downsize is going to be fast, that you can do it in a weekend.

[00:08:31] You know, again, it may have taken somebody 60 years, 70 years, 80 years, a lifetime of collecting the items that are in their house to think that you're going to go through that collection or your stuff in a weekend or in a week is unrealistic. Yes, it is. Yeah, it's going to overload your brain. And often people will shut down. And then they don't move.

[00:09:01] And then they put themselves in a crisis situation because they didn't continue with the planning that they started. So probably the biggest thing I encourage people and families is to give themselves and each other grace through this process. Decision fatigue is real. We can only make so many decisions in a day. Your brain gets tired. Like you said before, we have so many things in our house.

[00:09:29] Just going through your junk drawer, you're going to be making a lot of decisions on what I need, what I don't need. If it stays, if it goes, all of those things, your brain just simply gets exhausted. One of the biggest pieces of advice that I give people actually surprises them with downsizing. And that is that instead of starting with the stuff, that you start with the destination. If you know where you're moving,

[00:09:58] deciding what you take, some decisions are actually made for you. Because if you are moving into a two-bedroom apartment or two-bedroom cottage, your mother's china cabinet that is six feet tall may not fit. So then you're talking logistics. And then that's an easier decision that means that's not going to make the move. Right.

[00:10:23] So knowing the size helps rather than trying to picture something or try to pick what your favorites are. It has to be a combination of both logistics and emotion. Once you know where you're going, you want to create a plan. People often dive right in. They absolutely start with the junk drawer. They start with their clothes. But I suggest that they start with a plan. Knowing where you're going first,

[00:10:52] create that plan by breaking down your house into manageable sections. Again, we've been there a long time. And you have a plan. That plan may be in pencil, meaning it can change. But you have somewhere to start. Also, I recommend that people don't pull everything out at one time. They'll start in, okay, we all have one. We have a junk room. And so they pull everything out of their junk room. And that takes a lot of energy and effort.

[00:11:22] And it's spread all over your dining room or whatever area you've decided to use. And it stops there because it becomes so overwhelming that you're thinking, there's no way I'm going to go to every other house, room in my house. So make sure you're starting small and building up. Often tell people or ask people the question, so how do you eat an elephant? Will you eat an elephant one bite at a time?

[00:11:49] So think about that when you're downsizing. When it comes to honoring those memories, I encourage families to slow down. Take the time to tell the stories about, listen to the stories about the belongings of their parents, the memories they have. Some of those moments, when I have been blessed enough to participate with

[00:12:16] families working with their grandchildren or with daughters or sons, and hearing those stories that they tell their families, you'll have an item. My favorite story is I've had a client had a jewelry box full of costume jewelry. She had three granddaughters and they were sitting in front of her. And the granddaughter said, Grandma, we really, this is not our style, not what we want. She said, okay.

[00:12:45] She was very gracious. And she said, well, I just remember. And she began to tell stories about the pieces in there. Who gave them to her? There was a beautiful, very simple pendant necklace that the girls kind of just put aside. And she told them that was the first piece of jewelry that her grandfather gave. By the time that story, the stories ended, all the jewelry was gone. Each granddaughter took pieces because it was no longer about the jewelry. It was about the story.

[00:13:15] And that's really, really important with people is that they're sharing their story. That's their legacy, not the stuff. The stuff is what helps them remember it. Downsizing doesn't mean letting go of your memories. Really downsizing in many ways is an opportunity to preserve those memories, share those stories with the next generation. Those conversations are often some of the most meaningful moments families have

[00:13:44] during the downsizing process because your sons, daughters, your grandchildren, they've lived there. They have, in many cases, their whole life is in that house, in your house. And that helps them go through the processes as well. Right. Well, you know, I've been through this several times myself and I've been through situations where I wish I had thought to videotape or audiotape

[00:14:13] some of these types of stories that happen around the objects that we have. You know, people know their own family pretty well and what that family member may tolerate. Sometimes people are camera shy. They don't want to be on camera and it might cause that story not to be told the way that it would have been otherwise and we wouldn't want to do that. But if that's the case, there may still be options

[00:14:41] like maybe set a telephone or a smartphone down on a table close by, not have it pointed directly at them, but turn on your recorder so that you can hear their voice and that's not quite as intimidating as maybe the videotape would be. And then you can hear the stories you know about the object that they're talking about at the time and you can capture a lot of history that way. And I like to remind people

[00:15:10] that that is always a possibility and this is a perfect time to capture your loved one's voice without making them uncomfortable about it. And then you have their voice on recording. How many times has someone passed away and you said, if I could only hear their voice just one more time, if I could only just hear them. And this is a way to do that. The videotape is the gold standard

[00:15:38] and it's great if you can get their likeness as well, but if you can't, you can at least try to get their voice on it. And just be courteous and thoughtful and place the emphasis on the story instead of the medium and see what will transpire from there. So I just wanted to throw that in. So Shannon, what have you learned from helping hundreds of families through the downsizing process

[00:16:06] that most people don't realize until they are living it? You know, every, it's such a contradiction. Every downsizing journey is different. We all have different family members. Our situations are unique. Where you're moving is unique. But the flip side of that is every downsizing journey is the same because the ultimate questions that we go through, every family's belongings are different.

[00:16:36] Their history is different. That's what makes the experience unique. unique, but the same decisions and the same process families go through. Where am I going? What am I going to take with me? What am I going to do with everything that's left in the house? And how do I get resettled with all of this stuff in the new chapter of my life? Those are the questions that regardless of the family situation and the things

[00:17:06] that are different about us, that's what's continuously the same. So it's really important that families understand to be able to answer those questions and hopefully work together. One of the biggest misconceptions with downsizing is that it's just about deciding what to keep. Again, that's just part of the pie. That's just part of the process. It isn't. It's also about creating a plan

[00:17:36] for everything that you aren't taking. Some things that you're going, some of the things are going to be given to family members as gifts. Some things are going to be donated. Some things are going to be sold possibly through an estate sale. Probably one of the hardest things for people to understand is some things are going to just simply be thrown away. And that's part of the journey. So rather than looking back, people who are the most successful and downsizing are looking forward.

[00:18:05] They're enjoying and remembering that they're not letting something that is not sellable maybe or that the family doesn't want and that does have to be discarded. They're not letting that one piece hold them back. They're focused on what they're taking forward and that legacy they're sharing. families are most successful and couples and individuals when they have a plan

[00:18:34] whether they and part of that plan is deciding who's going to help you. Moving and downsizing from any size house and I can tell you I just went through this and downsized myself. It takes a group and I had a team of people that's that team consisted of a lot of different people. It can be family members. It can be professionals who are helping you. That's maybe packers or movers

[00:19:04] estate sale companies. It can be friends church family members that are helping. All of those people came together to help me move and I had just lived in my house for 15 years. I can't imagine trying to do it by myself if you've lived there 30 years and 40 years. really being able to bring that group together and was able to execute my plan. I did my part they did their part

[00:19:34] it was a coordination and they were very respectful of my decisions. They didn't always agree with all of them I'll be honest but they were respectful of those decisions and that's really important. You know when we begin the process we've talked a lot about decisions and I tell my clients that decision making is like a muscle. When you start you're going to make the decisions in that junk drawer we keep going back to the junk drawer

[00:20:04] and you're going to be tired when you finish with the junk drawer but as you make more decisions and more decisions in the downsizing process you build that muscle and certain things then become less important because you've already made so many decisions about what's going going forward with you. When you look in that closet that you know you have not opened that door in the last 20 years you know there's nothing in that closet that needs to go with you and then that's a decision you make to not open the door and to continue forward

[00:20:33] so that's really important. Ultimately what surprises most people is that downsizing is really isn't really about getting rid of the possessions but it's about deciding what they're taking with them to continue their next chapter and with their new life. That's really what surprises people the most once they begin to stop worrying about all this stuff they're not taking and focusing

[00:21:03] on the future it is really when the downsizing process goes to the next level and becomes a simpler mental process for them. I really like that point you said a couple things that have resonated with me and one of the biggest ones I suppose is I've heard of so many parents who have things in their home and they save them for the

[00:21:33] children they're planning to pass something along to the children and unless that is decided and communicated decades in advance and it is just understood it's surprising that to most people that the children don't want those things they have no use for them and when we think about those hundreds of thousands of items in a home and it's not just the parent who has that it's the child

[00:22:03] that has that too so when you're passing from one household to another you're adding to their hundreds of thousands of items and they may not have space for that in their life or they may not have a purpose for it correct and also when our parents are downsizing they're not only downsizing their own things they're downsizing what they've collected from their parents and from their grandparents so that's some of the reason they have so much

[00:22:32] is because you're talking not only about their lifetime but they've been honoring and maintaining legacy pieces from their parents or from their grandparents so that is a process and now often people are living in smaller spaces not in those largest spaces as we have historically or recently I should say probably in the last 25-30 years so people don't have room for it they don't want it it's not

[00:23:01] something that interests them so it's something you have to think about it's a discussion that has to happen and another big thing that comes to mind is photographs sometimes a parent will want to hand an entire bucket of photographs to a child and say these are all your ancestors look this was my great-great grandmother and this was so and so and such and such and while that parent may have a specific memory of that person

[00:23:31] and that may be something that is a cherished memory to them that child may not have a clue who that person is they have no memory the person was probably gone long before they were born and it does not have the same meaning for that child that the adult carries for that so you know I used to deal with photographs a lot and I thought people somehow find photographs to be somehow sacred

[00:24:01] and they don't want to throw them out because it's throwing away Aunt Jenny or whatever the case may be but it's our memory that carries that not the object itself correct and when you're talking about photographs and that magic bucket somebody handed that magic bucket full of pictures to you because this is before your lifetime that magic bucket can be sorted

[00:24:30] and sometimes sorting that is as much as sharing the memories letting go of them I recall and I know that in the 70s and 80s we printed multiple pictures of everything if it only had two copies yes correct we had to have multiple copies by going through and eliminating multiple copies of things and getting rid of the picture of your foot or the picture of somebody's elbow or a tree that you have no

[00:25:00] idea what the tree is of narrowing the scope then you have maybe not a tub but maybe a shoebox of pictures and those pictures you said it really well if they're people that nobody knows who they are and there's not names on the back of them that memory can't be shared because you don't even know who they are it's just a picture right so if it's something that really means something to someone and you want to hand that down there's a responsibility

[00:25:29] there and sometimes it's a heavy responsibility and you have to make that decision but the name should be on the back of the picture and the dates and if they're not then it's just a random picture it's the equivalent of a picture of your foot because you don't know what it is so that's where people have to make those decisions and they have to sort and plan and work through it and it can be something that's fun and in small bites I highly recommend small bites

[00:26:00] yes absolutely okay well you know adult children we know this to be true adult children often want to help but they don't know how so what are some ways they can support their parents through the downsizing process without creating more stress or conflict you know adult children just want to help they want to be helpful they see what needs to be done and in their head they're going through a checklist we've got things to

[00:26:30] do people to see places to go and we can have this done in a weekend mom we can have it done right but mom has a plan so the best way you can support your parents is to acknowledge and understand it's still your parent and your parent has a plan and ask how can I help you and if they say there's nothing you can do you have to accept that answer and that's a really hard thing to do is to accept

[00:26:59] the answer there's nothing you can do but don't stop asking but the most the families that I see that work through it in the most efficient manner keep asking the question not to browbeat their parents and not to wear them down but to be there when the parent finally says this is enough I'm washing my hands I am not doing anymore or when they get to the parts where they realize it's unsafe for them to do it by themselves

[00:27:28] i.e. attics second stories or areas that they shouldn't be climbing and may need a ladder your mom's plates that are surrounding the top of the kitchen and the only way you can get those down is with a ladder or step stool she shouldn't be doing that that's when you can ask how can I help and you're listening for those cues consistency and just asking and asking they can help and acknowledging they have a plan

[00:27:58] now you may have a parent that says listen I'm moving next week I have no idea what a plan this is your job not mine and I'm going to sit over there in the chair and I'm going to let you do it well then that's okay because that's their plan but it was their decision honoring their decisions and their thought process gives them back their dignity and allows them to keep their dignity when often our parents will think that they're losing control through the downsizing process because they are giving things up

[00:28:28] but our goal my role as a downsizing specialist is to encourage and help them remember the things they're gaining through that move and as an adult child that's a big gift you can give to your parent through support is encouraging them and listening to their decisions and what they want you to do rather than trying to problem solve for them right and so many people have so

[00:28:58] many things in their house that they are a huge burden and those things have to be maintained they have to be cleaned they have to be moved they have to be repaired and so sometimes having fewer things can be a source of independence and freedom from that responsibility of cleaning all those items so I can see both sides of that coin and if it truly is just stuff then

[00:29:28] maybe that's a little bit easier decision when you think yes I loved that statue 30 years ago but you know I've dusted that thing so many times I just can't clean it anymore it just it's not what it was and so why do I still have this and I think about storage buildings too I think about these things all the time so many people have storage buildings there are enough storage buildings in this country for every man woman and child to stand in one

[00:30:14] and if you start to add up the cost of that storage shed to you is everything in the entire building worth the price you paid to store it that is a big thing well and then also the flip side if you have had that stuff in a storage facility for a year and you no matter where you live there was hail storm something leaked there was a rodent infestation

[00:30:45] is the stuff in there actually usable does it have any value at that point or has it been destroyed and you are just contributing $232 a month to that that you could be using in a different way in your life sometimes it's about habits and it's about breaking a habit of maintaining all that stuff and realizing that there's new habits you can have and that's sometimes scary but once you step over the threshold

[00:31:15] of looking forward rather than back it makes a big decision and as adult children that's probably the best gift you can give your parent is helping them look forward rather than backward right and talking about regret when you realize you've had that storage shed for a year and you've paid 200 or plus dollars for that a month because you're storing your 30 year old sofa in there that may or may not be ruined and you think about the cost of the storage shed and you think

[00:31:45] you know I could have gone and bought a new sofa for that much money so these really are important decisions that they get it they do understand that you don't have to it like I told

[00:32:15] you so skip that one just give them the facts they'll do the math yes absolutely okay so for someone who is just beginning this journey and feeling completely overwhelmed what would you want them to know before they pack their very first box or sort their very first drawer that it's normal to feel overwhelmed people believe they feel overwhelmed they think everybody else did it really easy and that's not true it's okay to feel

[00:32:44] overwhelmed downsizing is not easy anyone who tells you it is they're wrong they're lying but it's absolutely something that can be done and it's with a little planning using your resources and remembering to give yourself plenty of grace it can be a far less stressful process than people expect before you pack your first box make a plan know what you want to

[00:33:14] take think about where you're going deciding who will be part of your support team is very important and knowing that you're not going to do this alone it really is a total team effort and what your team looks like is up to you most importantly I cannot say this enough give yourself enough grace it took years decades for you to collect this stuff that

[00:33:44] you're living with even though it may feel like those years passed really quickly in just a blink of absorb those memories but keep going forward patience is needed not only for yourself but your family is going to need patience with themselves and with you and also your support team

[00:34:14] professionals they'll hopefully help share some of their patience with you and your family there is far that you do yourself harm physically or emotionally it's okay to say this is enough we're done today the challenge I have for my clients when they say I'm done for today we're good

[00:34:44] you're done today but when do you want to start next pick a time don't just say maybe next week or I just don't know when even if you have I think one of the most important things for people to remember with downsizing it's not about what you're giving up in life

[00:35:13] it's about preparing for that next chapter and thinking about the things and the memories you want to continue to that's not the right way to say it empowers you to do that when you plan it's like Christmas all year long because you're giving those memories to people and things that they probably

[00:35:42] wouldn't even know also that you're doing it on your own terms your own pace and with the people that you care about the most I think that's what people forget is that they're still in control and they need to just remember to do that at their own pace and as they want to do it right well thank you so much for reminding us of all these things and as I said earlier I'm going through some of these things myself where I'm needing to make some

[00:36:12] decisions about objects and that sort of thing and this is all excellent advice I appreciate you reminding us that downsizing honoring a lifetime while preparing for what's ahead of us your advice to slow down and make a plan is an excellent one share those stories and memories behind the objects that we have and approach the

[00:36:42] process with patience and grace and offer encouragement to others who may be feeling very overwhelmed about what's before them for our listeners remember that you don't have to do everything at once and you don't have to do it alone with thoughtful planning open conversations and the support of people who care downsizing can become not just an ending but the beginning of a meaningful new chapter