From Rock Bottom to Redemption: Shining the Light on Recovery and Hope

[00:00:02] What you want, when you want it, where you want it. This is The Mesh. Shining The Light, podcast. I'm Sarah Blanton, Director of Development, 4 Safe Harbour of NC. And with me today is Chastocole. Chastate is Safe Harbour's Volunteer and Events Coordinator.

[00:00:50] And also she's a very proud alumni of our Safe Harbour program since so welcome Chastocole. Thank you, I'm glad to be here. I'm so excited that you're here as a guest on our podcast today. And so Chastate, you came through the program in 2016? 2017. 2017, that's right. Yes, right.

[00:01:15] And so if you don't mind just give a little intro about how you found out about Safe Harbour and just say a little bit about what programs you participated in and just kind of what's going on now in your life.

[00:01:29] Okay, so in 2016 I was in a mental institution for a couple months. There I came to realize that I needed help. My aunt connected me with an application. I filled it out and then in January of 2017 I returned home to find you on maternity leave

[00:01:51] and not accepting anyone into a whole woman. So I then went to the day program for a couple months and then in March of 2017 you graciously entered me into the program. From there I did the whole year transition to Green Life in 2018

[00:02:09] and then left Green Life on Good Friday of 2019. I then moved on to get married and had another kid, reconnected with my children, did five years as a career in law

[00:02:23] and now God has led me to be on staff at Safe Harbour and returned to the place that gave me a life. Well, that is so awesome.

[00:02:32] I'm so very excited and it's been an honor and privilege to just have a piece in a player role in your journey and just so excited to have you on staff and you're making a tremendous impact.

[00:02:46] But Chasta, you know this podcast it seeks to aim to really talk about the social issues that really have a lot of stigmatizing factors around them.

[00:02:59] You know, whether it's a lack of knowledge because people just don't understand the issues and so therefore the stigma is foreign but also it's just

[00:03:09] It's very challenging for people to talk about issues that they're experiencing for one but it's even more challenging to ask for help for these issues and so that's what

[00:03:21] This episode we're going to focus on about why it is so challenging to ask for help and just some of the stigmatizing factors around that. So something that I know about you is that you have a degree in psychology. Yes.

[00:03:38] And so you have both a personal perspective from with in regards to experiencing ups and downs with mental health and you also say you have a working understanding of that.

[00:03:55] From a personal place, but also from a professional setting, you know you have worked in the field and so you have witnessed other journeys through that and so. Chasta, why do you feel like it's so challenging for people to pick up the phone.

[00:04:14] Make that first step and just saying hey, something's off, I really need help. Well, you know, prog comes into factor and denial and then I personally for me, I had one vision of what an addict was and that was my mother that was the only vision.

[00:04:35] And really I guess what she did, how she acted that was what was told to me that's an addict that's not normal behavior to kind of calm the guilt that a kid would feel you know.

[00:04:48] But with that in my brain, I took that as if I wasn't doing these things. Then I didn't have a problem. I went to school, I got a degree, I had a job in medicated assistance at a methadone clinic like I was showing up for my kid.

[00:05:05] I was doing these things until I wasn't.

[00:05:08] And having that pride in that denial that all I wasn't, you know, not making dinners or I wasn't showing up to school or I was being present and active kind of kept me in that cycle of there's nothing wrong with me.

[00:05:25] I'm okay, I've got it together until I didn't. And a lot of people struggle with that and have that denial or that pride piece that gets them to what we call a rock bottom. And even in that rock bottom, you then have the guilt. Yeah.

[00:05:42] That is compiled on the prod and the denial that then it's so hard to finally admit I do need help.

[00:05:52] And even for me when I got to that point of I need help, it was still, you know, the fear of the unknown like I was comfortable in this destruction that I have made for myself.

[00:06:04] That anything different was kind of or it was scary and I was still kind of hesitant to is this even gonna work. It might even worth this help anymore. Can you tell us a little more about the comfort.

[00:06:20] I think that's something that people don't consider, you know, say a little more about that comfortable place of chaos that's shucking about. So and I know that sounds like an oxymoron right, but it is.

[00:06:32] I mean when you've lived in a lifestyle of homelessness or couch surfing or panhandling or even having to do some unsavory things. Right, like there's that sort of routine we get in a routine. I know it to expect of those things. I know it's gonna happen.

[00:06:55] I know how to take care of myself in those situations. I've developed these hardened skills to help me live in that lifestyle and anything out of that is like I'm going to the moon. Kind of thing it's unworldly it's chaotic to me.

[00:07:15] A normal, you know what is normal? What does that even mean to hold a job down to pay your bills? You know what what does that mean that's all scary because I've lived in this. Hmm.

[00:07:28] Chaos which has become my reality and my comfort ability because I was used to it. I knew how to navigate. You know it's kind of like when you're institutionalized. The recidivism right is hard because they find their path and either mental institutions or jails.

[00:07:46] Like you know how to work that system that you have grown so accustomed to. So anything outside of that is like a whole new world that you need to then develop new skills. Right, right.

[00:08:00] And for you in your particular journey, I recall that you started your programming at Safe Harbor. You were 25, 24 or 25 years old. Yes. Yeah. And you know if you think about that, you know technically our brains don't even develop fully until we're around that age. So I'm sure.

[00:08:20] How old were you when you first tried not in the dreams nine years old? And so from nine years old to 25 years old of age, you know that's I mean you have adapted to. You were accustomed to like you said you you understand even though it is chaos.

[00:08:41] You understand how to navigate it. Yeah, it was my chaos. It was your chaos and so I can imagine being the age of 25 and having to walk into a situation where you're one, it's a year-long program and two, you don't know anybody.

[00:09:01] And three, you're pretty much having to change everything about your life. Yes, and it was all women. And it's all women. Yes, it's all women. Women, women, women, women, women, women. It is kind of living and I think even though like like I walk through our program,

[00:09:20] the facilities beautiful, I know this staff are great and the curriculum's great. It's a great experience but I imagine that it is just terrifying. It would be terrifying for for someone to come in and although this environment is so awesome

[00:09:36] And I believe that women experience peace and freedom, you know after a few days, you know, and I know they've loved but you had said something about like the thought, you know, there's a desire to have a different kind of life.

[00:09:56] But I imagine that some people just are not sure that that's even possible for them. Yeah, one because they've never really experienced two like you said because of the guilt. Yes, they feel, they don't feel worthy.

[00:10:13] I mean, and that's really what it was for me. And I grew up in church. My aunt took me to every Sunday school, every bubble class, every a wanna church camp, like through my childhood,

[00:10:26] I was enthralled in it. You know, you want to church Wednesday, you want to church Sunday, you want to church Sunday night. Like it was bump bump bump bump. And some of that, you know, of my own accord kind of played into that guilt because it was like,

[00:10:42] I didn't understand what true forgiveness of God was. I didn't understand who God really was and who I really was in God because to me he was the point in the finger like,

[00:10:57] How could you do this? You knew better. You know, that's how I felt like everyone was going to receive me. And it wasn't like that. I mean, I can remember like, I hadn't spoken to my aunt in months

[00:11:10] and when I had my realization and I finally got the strength up to call her, she was just overjoyed. You know, it's kind of like the product of son story.

[00:11:21] There was no negative news, nothing. It was just I'm so happy you're alive because I had been calling police to try and find your body

[00:11:31] because we haven't heard from you. And contacting everyone in anyone, she could think of from my last known place of where I was at And that just kind of gave me another gump shen to keep going.

[00:11:47] You know, that unconditional love that it wasn't. Yeah, she had her thoughts about it and yeah, it wasn't like I was going to get off the hook for everything. But in that moment, she welcomed me with open arms and then going through whole woman.

[00:12:04] And there's a class in there that beautiful core and Lori teach. And it learns about who God is and who he actually, you know, what forgiveness is and what the truth of God is.

[00:12:16] And that understanding that kind of like, shine to hope, you know, pun intended, shine to hold a lot. Yeah, yes. All in the situation because, you know, even if you grow up in church, you don't fully grasp it, right?

[00:12:31] Yeah, you know, or to some degree. Oh, yeah, our brains aren't. I mean, we're developing at such a young age and seeds are definitely planted. They're definitely planted but based on what's modeled before us through people, that also shapes our perception of who God is.

[00:12:53] And I think children, you know, don't want to fully wrap their brains around, you know, an omnipresent sovereign creator of the universe. Right? I mean, we just, we can see humans in front of us and that's, you know, how we shape reality, you know, for ourselves.

[00:13:15] So when it's inconsistent or there's trauma, it just gives it, it's gives it. And so I have spoken with so many women that they desire the help.

[00:13:35] But they don't know where to start. And so much of that is that they, um, it's this, the self-loathing, the, um, even when you bring people in the picture that have had long-term recovery that could speak into their lives, it gives them hope, but there's still that period of ambivalence.

[00:13:59] And we're, they've got to lay some stuff down and, and accept and receive this love and this truth. And that's, I think people, even women that come through the whole woman program, there's a quite few months that go by where there's still very much in that place that I'm learning these truths.

[00:14:26] I am learning skills. I'm developing relationships, but I still don't know if this is going to stick.

[00:14:38] Yeah. It's like I'm putting my toe in the water. I'm putting my toe in the water. I'm testing that out. I'm testing it out and I think a lot of people kind of stay in that space.

[00:14:49] And if it's a 30 day program, a 90 day program, um, I think they're, they're still in that place of ambivalence and they're weighing things out and they're contemplating. And that's why I appreciate programming that is long-term.

[00:15:07] But I'll say you talk about moving on to our green leaf program, which is say, Barbara's transitional program. And that was an additional layer of support where you still needed people to pour into you to speak that truth. Right.

[00:15:23] But it allowed a little bit more freedom to understand what living life on my own again would be.

[00:15:32] Yeah. Once, you know, because when you're in the whole woman, it's your monitor 24 seven, your schedule is planned for you 24 seven, like you're very busy with programming with curriculum with working at resource with going to the why and yoga and all these things that are great.

[00:15:50] But then when you get out, if I was just set out on my own with no accountability, I don't know if I would be as successful as I am now or as having that year of okay.

[00:16:03] You're still in the dull. You're still in your own, but you have a curve. You have to check in here. You have to finance. You have to budget. You know, those things really help set up.

[00:16:14] Because when I went to, you know, 28 day programs are little two week things like I had already had an exit plan, sked my mind.

[00:16:24] Like I didn't give it enough time to really seep in for me to feel like this is something that I could do like I can change. Like I can be better. I want to be, but I actually I can be.

[00:16:41] Yeah. So we've mentioned in reference to reasons why it's so challenging for people to get that to that place of readiness of help and even take the first step is one well, there's the Nile a little bit of that sometimes when we're in it, especially people that are functioning like you shared a little bit as you were your working professional.

[00:17:05] You had, this was kind of going on over here but you were still able to function through it up to a certain point. In that progression, a model for a progression of addiction that's often used in prevention substance use prevention is called trap.

[00:17:23] And so the T stands for trial like the first time someone would use substance and then there are, stands for recreation like you're using for fun. This is fun and with people, party time.

[00:17:37] Yeah. The A is a B-slash addiction and the whole point with ad is that people don't really know when they cross that line it's a very fine line between the two.

[00:17:46] And then the P is pin down. So there are a lot of functioning people that have addictions that aren't aware because they're not bottom as I happened or, you know, maybe it's not even noticeable yet but then they get to this pin down place.

[00:18:07] And I just all, it just all goes. And then, um, because I know for me it was in a matter of like three months and I had lost everything. Yeah, job, rectifier, didn't get to see my kid. You know, nowhere to go.

[00:18:25] And kind of thing in three months like you went from using my whole life. Yeah.

[00:18:31] And it's a slow fade, but when you get to that P it's hard and I think that that people are at such a place of desolation spiritually, you know, in hopelessness that it just climbing out of that hole.

[00:18:48] You know, I think that's like, you know, and I think a stigma around that is you should be strong enough to get yourself out of the hole. Well, you know, I think that's a lie. Yeah. I think that is a lie because addiction in particular isolates people.

[00:19:09] You start out. It starts out in a community because you're using with friends, recreationally. Yeah. But then you start using by yourself. And then, um, you alienate yourself from everybody because you this is your thing and yeah.

[00:19:26] That way is going to tell you, yeah, we use this, the dictologic and then.

[00:19:31] Um, but for whatever reason sometimes society sometimes family and sometimes we impose this on our own selves that we should be strong enough to change if we really wanted to stop using, we could just stop. Yeah. Or if you loved me enough.

[00:19:47] If you let's love them enough, you know, a lot of times with kids it will it will be if you just loved if you loved your kids enough you'd quit.

[00:19:56] You know, and even I being a kid of an addiction of an addict, ridden, you know, an abused mother like I thought like if you just loved me then you'd stop.

[00:20:07] You know, but when I was then in those shoes it's not that simple because like I love my son, my biological one of them like more than anything. I love all my kids, but at that time like he was not only one and I did.

[00:20:23] But it just it wasn't it was that pin down state like I did not know where else to go and I could not do it on my own because I tried. Yeah. You know, and you'd get two days and go right back to it. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:20:42] Because I didn't have the tools to combat, right? You know, the stink and think in or. Yeah. What I later learned in safe harbor is false beliefs that I kept telling myself from childhood from trauma all these things you're not going to know if you're worthless.

[00:20:57] Those sorts of things. Mm-hmm. And it just compiled. Yeah. On to that and then you feel bad because you're like, well, I do love my kids. My kids I do love my family. Do I not love them enough?

[00:21:11] You know, so it's like all this just keeps piling on. Yeah. Yeah. It keeps people in the hole for sure.

[00:21:19] When did you feel yourself like what what kinds of things contributed to you getting out of that whole where there's specific people that land to hand was it just a lot of all moment that you had a combination of those things?

[00:21:39] Well, my aunt had always been one that had been there. I was like, kind of her last.

[00:21:47] I don't like to use the term tough love because I think it gets skewed using that term but for her and for me what I needed was her to say this is an okay. We have hit our point. Yeah. I can't help you anymore. I hope you find.

[00:22:13] Sorry I'm going to get a mention. I hope you find what you're looking for and then she dropped me off at a homeless shelter and she drove away.

[00:22:22] And like to me that was kind of the point that got the ball rolling to me realizing that something now I didn't.

[00:22:30] I went right back out when I used and I was with who I was with and you know, I think it's five detoxes in a mental institution later that when I was there.

[00:22:44] I was about to get out and I had made my exit plan because I was still in that whole well, no one loves me. I'm worthless. I'm no good. They're better off without me. This is just what I meant to do.

[00:22:57] This is just going to be my life from now on. My eyes will make the best of it kind of thing. And so I had made my exit strategy. I was on the phone talking to a person about you know,

[00:23:11] how they could supply me with what I needed. And then you know, through that conversation, a very toxic thing was said and it just like it just it just clicked. It like I had this kind of like, oh, kind of moment like I could feel it.

[00:23:31] And I just like I came back to reality and I was like, I said some explicit language back to their request and I was like, no, I can't do this. And so I went to the tech and I had been there for like four months

[00:23:46] so I had been real good friends with the tech and I was like, I cannot go. Yes, I told you it. I was like, I can't go to the storage maintenance. Like don't let me go. Okay.

[00:23:57] And they had already had a bed at the salvation army there for me. Like the bus was already ready to go the next morning. And the stuff was packed and I was like, I can't go. They're like, well you're already set. They're like, we can pray.

[00:24:09] And we're like whatever. Yeah. Because that's what you're going. That's just where I was. Like if that's what you need to do great, you can pray. I'll stand here. And so they said, a little prayer and I went to bed. And when I got up the next morning,

[00:24:22] a tech came in and she said, they gave your bed away. I was not, you're not leaving because you have nowhere to go now. Wow. That prayer worked. So yeah, I didn't see it then. But yeah, I mean prayer is powerful and it's throughout my whole story.

[00:24:37] But in that kind of was like, okay, I need to make steps. And the next step was calling my aunt and then calling my son and his dad, who I haven't talked to in a while and telling everyone like, this is where I'm at.

[00:24:52] This is where my mom sets out. I'm ready, but I'm still hesitant. Like I'm still, don't know if it's going to work. I'm not going to make any promises.

[00:25:03] But I realize that there is an issue and I realize that I don't want to go back to that anymore. I can't because if I went back, I would have died. Yeah, I've had fixed tell me you've got to learn how to hate it.

[00:25:18] You got to hate the life. Yeah. Because for so long, I mean, I loved it. You glamorized it in your sense because it is first. You know, for a certain time span, it may not need in your life. And again, like we don't always,

[00:25:35] we're at that pin down place before we even see it. Other people see it before we do. But then it sounds like you're just like, okay, well, my life is just going to be chaos. But then when this other person was like, give you a glimpse, I guess,

[00:25:56] of the chaos that was could potentially continue you were like, I can't do this anymore. Yeah. It became more exhausting than just was it. Then fun. Let's put it in tell ourselves anyway. Yeah. And I mean, even when you hate it,

[00:26:14] there's still that point when you use that the love comes back. You know, that you get something, like a relationship. It's a very toxic relationship. Yeah. And I had his true toxic relationships. So that was just one of them. And it's like, I couldn't give that up.

[00:26:32] You know, like defined who I was in a way, and without it, I didn't know who I was. Yeah. Because I kind of morphed into that. I am an addict. This is all I'm ever going to be. Myswell just make the best of it.

[00:26:51] But there's more to me that I didn't know. And I didn't realize. And so I'm thankful for that situation in the time I spent there. And, you know, because it got me to that place and everyone's rock bottom is different.

[00:27:09] But that's what Mon had to be to be like. Yeah. Nope. Not going to do that. When, you know, what was it like coming through a process, like a long-term residential setting? I mean, I feel free to speak.

[00:27:28] There's no part there's no perfect program and there's up nails and all around with the process. But what were some of the highlights for you going through? Like, what were some? Because we talked about like when you first came in the door, even if it's a great environment.

[00:27:45] And even if it's a support of environment that is a technological logic is still kicking in. So you're thinking about jumping out the window about every other minute. For the first couple, for the first few days. I mean, it's a struggle.

[00:27:58] And so, but when did you find yourself kind of like, okay, it's different that I can do this one day at a time. What was that like for you? It was probably a couple months ago. And I mean, I think it takes time to get adjusted to that.

[00:28:17] And my situation was different because we came in and it was kind of a full house and then everyone graduated and then it was just me and another girl. And it was us too for a very long time. And I was not the most pleasant of people.

[00:28:33] I was very, I mean, I wasn't mean, but I was guarded. I was very guarded. I was very hard-hearted. You know, I was willing to the cows come home. But I was still had that kind of, I don't know if this is really for me kind of thing.

[00:28:54] And then that other girl was so happy that I didn't understand. I thought something was wrong with her. You know, because she was way too happy for her own good. But it was like what we needed.

[00:29:06] Learning things about myself and actually being able to admit some things about myself was kind of that turning point. When I really started feeling like the chains come off or the heart start, you know, softening a little bit.

[00:29:29] And actually reading redeeming love because that was one of the required learning. It's a good one. It kind of, it really gave me hope. Like, yeah, this is something like he came reading. You know, and if he came reading that or if he can, you know,

[00:29:49] and I knew about the apostles because I grew up in church and like, Paul's one of my favorites and I was like, if he came reading Paul and he got something for me. Because he killed people. You know, I like he was a murderer.

[00:30:02] That's a good very insightful of you. I mean, I think, yeah, I mean, God, he has used people. Yeah, I don't have loudness. Because I'm a very, and I think he knows that, you know, like we got the people that say they're like the doubting Thomas,

[00:30:18] but I'm a very analytical person. I've got to see things. I've got to test it to my own. I'm going to weigh it out. And, you know, he knows that about me. And we watched,

[00:30:29] what was that movie that we watched about that guy who was trying to prove that Jesus was not real. But in a case for Christ? Yes. We watched that in the house. That's again. And that just, you know,

[00:30:43] that mixed with watching the shack kind of all just put it into a visual perspective to me. Yeah, God is present. And he sees you. Yeah. He sees us. He's going to loop a being like he said, pointing his finger. Right.

[00:31:00] Where are you going to get it together? He's, he's, he's in the pit with us. We don't see it at the time. Right. That he's there. Because then it's always the after.

[00:31:12] You know, like I can look back and see where he was through every step of my journey. But in it, you know, I was, where are you? You know that crying out, I'm sure. Just desperation. But then when you get on the other side of it,

[00:31:29] you can see exactly where he was. Because he wasn't my fire. You know, and he never left my fire. And then I remember one, I don't know if you would call it an activity here or whatever that we did with the girl with the teddy bear.

[00:31:45] Because the visual and the visual. The visual. The visual. So it was like, you know, I had this tiny teddy bear. She was just gripping on. It was just the one thing that she couldn't let go and she wasn't going to give it to Jesus.

[00:31:59] But what she didn't see is him having this like huge gigantic bear that you would win at the fair. Yes. Like five feet tall and huge that he's just waiting to give her if she would just release. Yeah. That one little thing.

[00:32:16] I think release is a great word. You know, instead of tough love because I agree. I think there's some stigmatizing things in misconceptions around that. But I feel like you're in it had to release you. Yeah.

[00:32:32] That was a part of her journey because it became toxic for her. I imagine. It did. And you know, I'm sure she had to come to a place if you're a nurture or it's our responsibility to God and help our children.

[00:32:46] You know, and she really has been like a mother figure for you and so I'm looking at that's hard to surrender our loved ones to the Lord. But I'm sure that she come to a place or actually just had to release you but it's so interesting

[00:33:01] that the things we are so a big reason why people don't get help, you know, what we what we are talking about right now is that we have this fear of admitting things about ourselves and looking at our own cells. Addiction is a wonderful mask for that.

[00:33:21] It is, and when the mask is removed because you're not using anymore and you're forced to look at yourself everybody's scared of that. But you use the word releasing that and experiencing freedom so much freedom and exchange for that. Talk a little bit about that.

[00:33:40] I mean, why is it? Why do you feel it significant to be introspective and look at yourself through particularly in those early stages of recovery? So, and I feel like in the way that we did it was in baby steps.

[00:34:00] Which was good because you can't just throw every welcome at all. And you know, it was it was a done in a very well way with the curriculum that was used but in order to realize because you know we hear that the abuse is just the symptom.

[00:34:16] It's just the symptom of the problem. So what is the underlying problem? Why was I using? Why was I running? Why was I doing these things?

[00:34:27] There's a centralized false belief or false truth that I have told myself, you know, do to trauma, do to abandonment, do to whatever. No matter how hard my aunt stepped in and was that mother figure that still stuck as you're unworthy.

[00:34:46] You know, or you're to blame for everything. You know, these things that kids just take on. Yeah. Yeah. Unbeknownst to whatever is going on around them.

[00:35:00] And then coming to the idea that I was actually capable of doing the things that I did, you know, and hurting the people that I hurt. That was hard.

[00:35:14] But that was like a brilliant thing to see because in a way that wasn't who I was it was who I was under the influence. Right.

[00:35:24] It wasn't me and it kind of brings me back to me and my husband I've been writing in Romans, believe it's chapter seven. Where Paul is talking about, you know, when I see it, it's not me that's doing it.

[00:35:37] It's the sin in me that is causing me to sin and I know that I am in the light and so when it is not me doing it, it's the sin inside me doing it.

[00:35:47] And so it was like not to put a bandaid on it or not to put an excuse on it but to realize that in who I really am as a person, I am not that evil vindictive hurtful,

[00:36:04] lie or faith, cheater, whatever acronym you want to put for that person. That's what substance abuse and active addiction. Doing the things, yes I did those. And, you know, admitting that to myself was a big thing, but being able to realize that that's not who I am.

[00:36:24] That's what I did was like a gain changer because we take all of our actions and we make them a part of our identity.

[00:36:37] And, instead of stepping aside and being like, I did this because of this. So I need to change this so I don't do that anymore, because that's not who I want to be.

[00:36:50] Wow, I'm so grateful for the opportunity to again just allow women to have the time to do that because like you said it is, it is a process. It's such a process for the individual and just given one another the grace and a permission to have the process.

[00:37:16] You know, is so key to that because you're just having to rewire and like get rid of so much negative mental type that's been in there for so long and then there's accepting what's happened for giving yourself for that. Yeah, which is a biggie.

[00:37:40] And then replacing that negative mental type with truth. It's like a long time.

[00:37:48] It does take a long time and the thing I like to, and it's funny because I didn't really like it at the beginning because I was you know, it was hard-hearted and I didn't really like people.

[00:37:59] It was that with all the volunteers and all the staff like they just let me be where I was and they kept showing up. Yeah, you know, like they never expected anything from me. They didn't want anything in return.

[00:38:17] They were just there to show God's love and that was a game changer for me because living in that lifestyle and experiencing what I experienced. That was not the case like it's a very transactional lifestyle that you live. Yeah.

[00:38:33] And this was not that it was people wanting to be in your life if you allow them to be wanting to just bring you a meal wanting to give you a Bible wanting to buy you a bathing suit.

[00:38:50] You know, it was just the little things that people were just showing their love for somebody and it kind of then changes your mindset to yeah. I am likable. You know, I can have friends like there are good people out here.

[00:39:09] I can let people in. I can let people in. Yeah. And they won't run for the hills. Why? Why? Why? Why? You know, or take advantage of that. Yeah. People, they have to experience a benefit of the change before they fully will commit to the change.

[00:39:31] I mean, I had to. And I think when my son's father was buying in more to my change and when I was getting to see my son more, then I think that's when I really barreled into it. Sure. Because then I was singlet, yes, there's a result.

[00:39:52] I was sing results and it was something in my first, you know, going into it wasn't to get results. And that needed to be really important for me because I had tried to get clean many times just for this just to see look at just to do this.

[00:40:08] And then when that didn't fall through, I would go right back to using again. Yeah.

[00:40:14] But there were times in the program when my visitation was refused, you know, and I had that security to be able to go punch a dumpster if I needed to come back and evaluate that and a house meeting. And then talk to people about it.

[00:40:31] You know, I didn't go use because of that and I wasn't going to give up because of that. So that was very important to me, but seeing them really see it in me helped me keep going. Right. Wow. Does it get easier to ask for help? No.

[00:40:51] What, what, what, you know, let's talk a little about that because I do want to spend some time on that. My observations, particularly with folks here, you talked about, you know, you had, there was chaos in your life.

[00:41:05] That yet your aunt really helped provide a foundation for you vacation Bible school going to church. Me, I've, I've been in church my entire life, you know.

[00:41:16] But I am often kind of taking a bat my people that believe in Christ and follow him and have been in church, but they will. Some of the happens in their life.

[00:41:30] We just kind of walk around like, oh, I hear everything's okay and everything's supposed to be okay. And if it's not okay, I think a stigma around that is that something's not right with our, or something's off with our relationship with God. Right.

[00:41:47] And I just think we got to start doing that because that for your daughter keeps God in this very distant, aloof, unreached like an attainable, unattainable place when he's right here. He's never left, you know?

[00:42:04] And he gets the mess and he knows how to handle it, but we just want to. Yeah, like don't look at it. Why do you do that? Well I think for me, and you know, takes a lot of commitment there, spas prod. Man, like, did this?

[00:42:20] It's prod and it's, you know, it's self reliance and that is one thing that it's like. Some of these characteristic traits, you know, like self reliance. I'll, I whole very, like, I'm a self reliant person that means they lot to me to be self reliant and independent.

[00:42:39] But at the same time too much of that can be on the negative downswing because I won't allow someone else to bless me. Because I want to do it on my own, or I'm fearful of the judgment that you may put on me because I'm struggling.

[00:42:58] What have it be financially or, you know, whatever? Like, it's just, it's just that pride and that, you know, our inability to be humble enough to allow someone to bless us. Yeah. And allow someone into our mess to speak truth and to us.

[00:43:21] Or admit that we might have to change some of it. But we have to change something about our behavior. Yeah. Oh, I don't want to do that.

[00:43:29] Well, as long as we are on this earth and have to deal with this flesh, we're going to have to keep changing everyday. And it is hard. I mean, you know, because things pop up.

[00:43:40] And then I feel like to, especially with me, come in from what I've come from. And then I feel like if I struggle now that it looks like to people that I'm back in the introduction.

[00:43:53] You know, as you can see for sure how that could just weigh heavy on someone's mind. That's in recovery. You know, because in my husband and son's not into me, they're not. And we were, we both get in over this cold and he's got the main flu.

[00:44:08] And we were in church. And he was not feeling good. And he's like, do you think people thought we were on drugs? And I was like, no, that's all never really crossed my mind because I know I'm not. But why would you think that?

[00:44:24] He's like, because that was just so tired. And I was not like, I was blowing my nose. We were coughing. We didn't sleep good. And I was like, no. No, I didn't think of that. And I was like, why did you think of that?

[00:44:37] And then I start looking back and I was like, well, why have I not asked for some help in some areas? Is it because I feel like people are going to think, oh, what are you doing now? What are you doing now? Why are you struggling?

[00:44:50] Because you know, and it's just like light bulb comes off. But it's that we still have that even though we're eight to ten years removed from it. Yeah. It's just another way that Satan attacks your mind just to keep you bound. Yeah.

[00:45:09] It makes me think of those games like at Chicky Chees, you know, you have the little hammer. Oh, the whack-a-mo. And you pop the things when they come up. Yeah. Because I did like this false beliefs and there's negative thoughts that pop up. Yeah.

[00:45:23] That's just what you said. You have tools. We have to bring ourselves back to that place of clarity and reality, and never forget that freedom. That was experienced when we came into this self-realization like, yeah, I'm forgiven. It's covered in the blood of Jesus.

[00:45:47] His mercies are renewed every morning and keep it moving. Yeah, keep going. Wow. Any words of encouragement that you have for anyone that is listening to this podcast, that may be contemplating, taking that first step to getting help.

[00:46:09] But also even people that are light in the trenches, they're in recovery and like I think a message that just because you've been at, just because you go through a program, just because you complete a process, a program, hours, whatever it is that. You still hold you.

[00:46:34] Yeah, it does. So any thoughts or words of encouragement for some of our listeners? I would say for those contemplatings, that's probably going to be too tapered. Yes, too separate. You know, ways of looking at it.

[00:46:51] But for contemplating, I would say even if you have an ink link that you need help call somebody. You know, there's tons of resources and say, Barbara has a whole list of different resources. Right?

[00:47:04] If you're not into, you know, cross-based or whatever, because sometimes, you know, for me, even I grew up in church. I'm like, eh, I don't know, but I'll try it. Because that's just where I was at, you know, but you have to be at that point.

[00:47:21] But no matter what, you know, just keep trying. Even if you try and you call in a bed as full and you mess up that night, keep trying again. Like, don't let the mess ups take you away from your blessing to yourself.

[00:47:41] You know, a lot of times we can do that myself included. I will try, don't work out. Oh, I just went back and did this. Oh well, like it's all for nothing now. You know, like the whole sky is falling.

[00:47:56] And then I would say, you know, for people in recovery, completing a program, going through a program, you know? No matter what, like I had this. I was pretty, you know, I was pretty aware that life was going to hit me.

[00:48:12] But I still had this kind of bubble-esque view of, I'm going to be protected forever. Yeah. Kind of feel. And then just isn't really the case in the sense that life is going to touch you. No matter where you're at. I mean, it touches you in the program.

[00:48:34] You have a little bit more fallback. But it's going to touch you no matter where you go. And like life has not stopped from hitting me since getting out. And through that, I, you know, we all make mistakes. We all do some things. Great.

[00:48:52] I have let my social network go away. And I have realized recently that that needs to boost back up because the support is everything. Yeah. Like if you do not have a core group of people and doesn't have to be 15-20.

[00:49:05] It can be two or three, you know. But it just has to be people that can speak life into you and that you can go to when you need advice or, you know, anything. Right? So to have that is what's going to make lost trials even better.

[00:49:25] You know, and connecting more. Of course I'm going to say church, you know, connecting more in your church group. Like serving, getting into a group, doing these things. Like all these things that I had fallen out of because I got into the Comfortability of life.

[00:49:43] You know, of me doing my own thing because I didn't have someone telling me what to do. So then things happened and COVID really screwed it up for all of us. Yeah. You know, because challenging. Yeah. It was, it was challenging and I had, and I slated everybody.

[00:49:59] It did. And it also led me a lot because I just had my child and February of that year. March it hit, April everything's closed.

[00:50:08] And you know, for the first year or half of his life, we stayed in the house because I didn't want him to get sick. And so that really started the whole down spiral of the social connections and the outreach and all those things.

[00:50:25] And so now coming out of that, realizing that how important that really is. That connection and community. Yeah. Yeah. Style. Are you say have grace for yourself? Yes. Families. Stand grace to yourself. Yes. That also remember to stand grace for your person, your loved one.

[00:50:52] That's going to do this process because it's up down all around. It is. And that also for people that are in recovery and are not fighting that fight. And we'll continue to extend grace to yourself and other people that don't.

[00:51:08] So forget that connection in your community and having people in your life that will help hold you accountable. And I am in speak truth to you and love that I can agree more. I think this is a very, very important. For all people.

[00:51:27] I mean not just not just people that are in recovery from substance. Of course. All people. Life hits everybody. It's short as. And we need each other. We need to pray for each other. We need to be encouraging. We need to serve and speak to serving. Mm-hmm.

[00:51:42] And I now, you know, you are in a position where you are helping me. You are helping make that possible for so many people because you're that point of contact for safe harbor. For people to serve and volunteer and who better place people?

[00:51:55] Yeah, you know, I'm a private. You've participated in all. Yeah, I've participated in all of the past and all of the past and all of the past and. And thank you. Have been able to increase one one and so much self awareness that brings wisdom.

[00:52:08] You know, you know, in insightfulness. But also so much empathy that you have. Not just for people in recovery, but for all people that are that have been desired to serve. Because you know the significance of it. So I'm so proud of you, Chesco.

[00:52:25] And I'm so grateful that God has allowed you to have this opportunity to join safe harbor in a new way as a staff person. And so thank you so much for coming on the Shannon and the Lattpodcast. We're going to continue to shine a lot.

[00:52:42] So give Chesco a call and learn more about some of the exciting volunteer opportunities that safe harbor. Thank you so much for listening.

[00:52:53] Be sure to give us a great rating and share our podcast with those anyone in all that you know that would benefit from hearing these awesome stories from ladies like Chesco. So thanks so much. Thank you.

[00:53:22] You've been listening to the mesh and online media network of shows and programs ranging from business to arts sports to entertainment music to community. I'll program our available on the website as well as through iTunes and YouTube. Check us out online at themesh.tv.

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