Bitchin’ About Triangulation and ”Thank you, Mind”

[00:00:02] What you want when you want it where you want it this is the MESH Well, hello everyone, this is chill miracles I am here this week with you guys on

[00:00:26] The my mom is a bitch podcast. I'm trying to switch it up so they don't all sound the same I don't know what I was just doing there with my speech pattern kind of sound oh Wow William Chattnery, I guess hi. How are you?

[00:00:44] It's gonna be here my appendix scars are pretty much healed up getting back to the normal again I am cleared to work as of this morning so tomorrow. I'm driving to Oklahoma City I will be at the Oklahoma City loony bin Tomorrow Wednesday the 20th through the weekend

[00:01:03] Shows Wednesday through Saturday you're out there come on out come on up and and save my mom's bitch And I will embrace you and we can talk and nauseam about these fucking assholes Hello, I Don't know. I'm all over the place. I've had a lot of rebel

[00:01:22] Have it and sleep it ludes me lately, but I am here. I'm here. We're doing it last week we talked about infantilization which You know just people treat you like a baby like you're kind of dumb this week I thought we could talk about triangulation lots of shuns

[00:01:43] tion s is triangulation sounds very medically Sounds like he might have been strangled by a triangle Sounds maybe a little bit like it could be the the clinical term for manage a tois It is not It's really just when Juan

[00:02:03] Wait, I wrote this down because I'm trying to be more professional instead of just tundering over words the whole time triangulation When a narcissist brings a third person into the relationship to keep control

[00:02:18] It's always about control isn't it fuckers anyway, there's more it's about playing two people against each other as always Everything they do Everything these fuckers do is about trying to keep control

[00:02:32] Side just side tangent isn't it amazing that they all have the exact same behaviors all the exact same Tactics I think it's fascinating that these people know this They're so smart and they learn the shit and they're like this works. They know it works

[00:02:48] It's crazy. I don't know if it's just learned or inherited or what that that's something I want to find out I'll find out let you guys know um Triangulation it is it's fucked up in the parent The parent child relationship. There's something called the golden child

[00:03:05] Skipe goat scenario which you guys can pretty much figure out what that means one kid Fucking walks on water hung the moon let the stars the other kid Mmm Dumpster fire garbage kid, you know and what's happening is the parent is taking all of their own

[00:03:24] positive traits and putting it on the golden child and The other kid gets all the shit traits. It's like Movie twins with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito It's like that it's not really but think of it that way like the one kid got all the good gifts

[00:03:43] And the other kid got all the shit gifts not actually true kids are just kids You know everybody's got some potential in there All people are good and bad mostly non-arist. They're all bad regular people who have empathy and

[00:03:58] Conscience good, you know people fuck up but people are also could be good too and in that case that is like the the shining example of Triangulation when it comes to parents so You know, of course, there's not always two kids exactly she gets played off

[00:04:19] You can triangulate with almost one kid. You can put like you can decide today. They're good tomorrow. They're bad That's a little bit. That's that's more splitting but you know There was a bunch of triangulation. I don't even know there's four if there's another person

[00:04:35] What do you call that quad quadruple? Squarylation, I don't even know my father was part of this shit too. So if my dad was at work Wow, did I hear about what a bad guy my dad was yells at me?

[00:04:47] He wouldn't give me money for anything when we met his feet stunk I don't want to get married to him blah blah blah blah blah Bad guy and I believed her I thought well this guy's not I just barely spoke to my dad

[00:05:00] I tried to be like keep out of his way turns out he's a pretty great guy Learn that as I grew up got a little bit older my brother. Wow, I'll tell you what she would tell me things like

[00:05:11] On Christmas Day, she pulled me aside and just say I wanted to let you know I spent more money on you this year for Christmas like every year And I'm sure she was probably telling him the same thing to try to like fucking triangulate us as well

[00:05:23] But like as he got older got more trouble There was a time when she and I were driving and she turned to me and said you know sometimes I wish your brother would die so I don't have to deal with him anymore. He was probably 16

[00:05:37] I was probably 13 a little heavy. I believe that was followed by don't you ever tell anyone I had that But the idea being we're disposable if if you act badly enough

[00:05:52] She doesn't want you around anymore, she hopes you die so you don't you don't have to be a challenge to her Parenthood or her ability to do that job or how she looks to other people or it's just you're just too much trouble at that point so

[00:06:07] That's a useful tool in her to belt I suppose as well Yeah, a lot of like weird family dynamics. So like in my family there was not like a cohesive

[00:06:17] Family bond there was like me and my dad and we got along okay. It's like a little bit older It was mostly in my head me and my mom We were the heroes and then my brother was a child maker

[00:06:30] You know, he's getting in trouble for like drugs alcohol drinking probably cuz she told him on a bad kitty When this whole life and then her and my dad You know me and my brother were in the room. We just didn't exist. It was about my dad

[00:06:43] So just a very weird dynamic. It wasn't cohesive It was just this like four people who kind of live together in the same house But not necessarily had close bonds which sucks It's bad triangulation is bad in

[00:07:03] Regular relationships, too. This is and I'll tell you this is their go-to move you guys This is like, you know, this is their big their their best tool in the toolkit Right is the first one they go for because it's pretty easy

[00:07:17] Usually the two people involved don't know each other and a romantic relationship They're just sort of two people who are being used Probably without their knowledge a lot of times people don't even say these things but You know, I hate to tell you this but our sister's lie

[00:07:36] They lie a little bit. So You know, let's let's take we're gonna keep we're gonna keep her name Sharon this week you guys Sharon Sharon and Dubuque. Yeah, Sharon and Dubuque I didn't write it down because every week she changes her name changes. I'm sorry Sharon in Dubuque

[00:07:55] She's not a real person, but it's just like the one person. I like to believe is just out there listening to the podcast Oh Sharon and Dubuque falls for fucking Bobby blue balls and fuck her, you know, she knows

[00:08:09] She didn't even see it coming. He he love bombs or he tells her how pretty she is You know and Worships the ground she walks on and gives her all his attention calls her all the time texts her all the time

[00:08:20] Sending sending her pictures of her name written in the rain like just really like she's fucking like this guy's amazing Sharon is falling fucking hard for Bobby blue balls and He knows it because he's a narcissist and he knows his plan

[00:08:37] Meanwhile, you know after this sort of like initial love bomb phase and Stuff starts to wear off He starts throwing in these little things like Paddy at works a picture view and she says you kind of a reminder of her like heavier older sister

[00:08:56] Oh, excuse me. What yeah So she thinks I'm fat. Well, no, she didn't say she said you look, you know, it's He's using Paddy to kind of so discontent our friend Sharon's Sharon's You know self-esteem Starting to wear it down a little bit meanwhile

[00:09:20] As face goes back to Paddy and and says, oh my you know my girlfriend Sharon saw Saw what you've been feeding your kids for lunch and She's like that's really bad for them. You know, you want to hurt somebody go after how they treat their kids parents

[00:09:36] Love being told how to be parents I hear So yeah, it's and these two people probably will never meet But it's there. It's their way of taking the ownership off of the the Slander, you know, I didn't say it. It's not what I said. It's what Paddy said

[00:09:57] Why just share it like that's oh god, they fucking love this stuff They love this stuff and even in non romantic relationships I had a comedy partner and we did a podcast for a little while. I really enjoyed it actually it's called the mind behind podcast and

[00:10:15] this this person That I was in the podcast with he had some friend I'd never met her. I don't know her She wasn't a comic

[00:10:25] Probably I'm guessing like some girl you like hooked up with or whatever honestly, I don't I never really knew I can't remember a name but each week He would get an email of All the critique she had about her podcast

[00:10:39] This woman's never had a podcast in her life. She wanted to have a podcast Didn't and so every week he'd say well, you know Someone so said this and that and yeah, maybe we should have this or you know

[00:10:52] Maybe maybe we should have an email address where people can Write in and tell their stories and I'm thinking yeah I guess she wants she wants to be able to write in and tell her stories and become part of the podcast

[00:11:02] Like it's not the format like we don't really have guts or anything And then and I just sort of like just missed it we get in fights about it because I'm like this is in her podcast

[00:11:10] I don't understand why why is this happening and then uh the last thing The last thing she said was well Jill's Jill's left. Sorry. Look at me hitting the mic again. I promise one week. I will get through the whole episode and not hit the microphone

[00:11:30] The last the last criticism I think she had of me was that I have a really annoying loud laugh And he made sure to tell me about that now. I've never met this girl

[00:11:39] We weren't Facebook friends. We didn't I didn't know her. I don't know if she's actually ever even sending us Did it piss me off fucking yeah, it did of course it did

[00:11:48] I'm like what the fuck I am pouring hours and hours and hours of my life into this podcast I'm doing all this work. I'm putting up with this lunatic on a fucking daily basis because by this point

[00:11:58] It was like impossible. It was trying to hurt cats trying to like get this fucking podcast done and I'm being told I have a fucking annoying loud laugh Well gee this is fucking fun

[00:12:11] That's triangulation at its best and I'll tell you I fucking fell for it. I did are you being triangulated? I bet you kind of are I bet you have been at some point There's gotta be right to me right to me at evil mom pod

[00:12:25] Tell me how you were triangulated cuz I would like to know I would love to know I'll tell you what else Sorry, no, I'm just on a rant my mom would try Angulate my relationship with her sister. So my aunt I

[00:12:40] Love my aunt my aunt is like one of my favorite people in the entire world if I was like I'm I need an arm She would cut off her fucking arm and give it to me. She's one of those people. She's a great mom

[00:12:51] She's a great grandmother. She's a fantastic person Everybody loves her and she's normal. She's a fucking normal wonderful person. I say normal She's not fucking psychopath. All right, and I have a really good relationship with her

[00:13:07] I love her we text a few times a week at least, you know when I when I go to Buffalo You know go back back to Buffalo my hometown. I'll stay with her and we'll just step talk all night

[00:13:18] She is fucking amazing. Well one day my mom starts complaining about how You know my dad fixed a lock on her shed and she wasn't gonna pay him for that

[00:13:31] Which I don't know why you charge your sister money to fix a lock on a shed, but that's fine She was like I'll have to pay you later and it became a big thing

[00:13:40] It's she blew this stupid little thing up into an to a major thing in order for me to take sides and She says well, I know that she's my sister and everything, but I don't love her and I said well

[00:13:56] I do and I don't want you to talk about her like that to me and then we didn't speak for a year because You know, how dare I how dare I say that? That's triangulation. She's trying to manipulate my relationship with my aunt

[00:14:11] She's trying to manipulate my relationship with my brother She's trying to manipulate my relationship with my father because the more you wean everybody else out It's just her

[00:14:23] And that means all the attentions for her that means those people can't distract from her those people can't tell you what she's doing is fucked up it isolates you and It just gives them all the fucking control and it fucking sucks. They love doing this

[00:14:39] They absolutely love doing this and I'd love to hear about it again Evil mom pod at gmail.com. I wish I could have gotten them my mom as a bitch pod guest Gmail, but they won't let me use bitch in the name. It just sucks anyway

[00:14:54] That's probably it for triangulation. I know that's a lot of personal stories and I'm sorry I guess that's all I have but I mean Yeah, it seems very juvenile doesn't it? It seems very like well So-and-so said this about you know, it seems very like middle school girl

[00:15:15] Technique actually works tell me tell me middle school was the worst ever I swear that was my hole That old school is that that hole she said Anyway again another tangent and I apologize for that. Okay

[00:15:34] Well, this is like about the halfway point. So I guess I should do another journal reading. I don't know I Don't even know if I should do the journal reading. I guess I will this week

[00:15:43] Because I've been doing them and I like to keep the structure. I just don't know how good they are or funny They are I haven't had any feedback either way one time. I think somebody said they were funny about whatever Okay, let me let me see here

[00:16:00] Okay, here we go this one I thought I should just take right from my cognitive behavioral journal therapy book So what this is the side? I think I was telling you guys last week about You know when you're having Yes, I did I did

[00:16:17] Anyway, you know a good practice for cognitive behavioral therapy or you know anybody You don't have to call it that if you don't want to is you just write down all your feelings on one side

[00:16:28] And then you respond to those things as though you were responding you were responding to Your best friend or somebody you love. Okay, so This is the side where I vanted and I think what I did was I went through the worst possible case scenario

[00:16:49] And it was a situation where we were moving we're moving from California to Memphis, Tennessee And I was in charge of getting the house ready to sell So I think that's all you kind of need to know and Matt

[00:17:03] Matt's my husband because I reference him here too. Okay, here we go. I have to get the house ready for pictures and To put up on the market It's not perfect No one want to buy it If no one buys it

[00:17:25] This is my fault because I'm responsible for making it nice If no one buys it that will leave me and I will die alone Also, if the house isn't perfect people who come to look at it will know I'm not perfect and

[00:17:46] I'll get kicked out of society and die Your your house of my mom as a bitch by guys can be pretty dramatic sometimes I will go. You know what? I will tell you that's probably, you know, I don't like oh my gosh

[00:18:06] I'm really bad with my girlfriend. That is how I felt at the time. That's absolutely how I felt I've gotten a little bit better with the perfectionism. I have I will leave the house without makeup on now So there sounds crazy, but yeah, yeah

[00:18:22] I'm not a as much of a perfectionist as I once was Anyway, you want to hear the other side of you should do the you want to hear what I wrote on the other side of that

[00:18:33] Let's do that because here's my answer to that. I think it's kind of interesting. Let's do this for a second This is me talking to myself we bought this house and It was less perfect than it is now You are not Responsible for making this house perfect

[00:18:53] Technically it can't even be perfect. It's an older house and it's really nice. It will present well Make small improvements, but you do not need to paint rooms Jill. You know that is silly I'll be talking directly to myself in the third person The house

[00:19:15] What do you think the house needs to be perfect? That's weird. I'm having the thought. Oh, this is interesting Okay, this is another technique Let's go right into the cognitive behavioral therapy part of the self-help thing because this is another tool

[00:19:30] I'm gonna do this tool really quick and then we're gonna talk about another one because this one just crept up on me And it's very very simple and it helped me So I hope it helps you too. So it's very simple

[00:19:41] Okay, and I'm only reminded of it because it's right here underneath my response to myself very simple Okay, and it's three sentences in my case. It was about the house being perfect. So I write down

[00:19:54] The house needs to be perfect because that's what I'm thinking the house needs to be perfect What's the problem? The house needs to be perfect and then underneath that I write I am having the thought that the house needs to be perfect and

[00:20:10] Then underneath that I write my mind is Generating the thought that the house needs to be perfect So what it's doing is it's just gradually step by step Taking it out of that really feeling realm. You're going okay. So

[00:20:30] That's needs to be perfect, right? And then you're going well wait a minute. This is just a thought I'm having this thought that it needs to be perfect and then you're saying oh my mind's generating the thought so

[00:20:40] It helped me it helped me kind of like distance myself From it just being like oh I see the computer's putting out this ticker tape of this thing that's written down here I My brain is just making this happen. My brain is telling me

[00:20:54] That it does that which is fine. That's what my brain does okay? I think that's interesting So if you're having a bad day, and you're like, oh, I'm so unworthy You'd write down I'm so unworthy Underneath that you'd write I'm having the thought

[00:21:11] That I'm so unworthy and then underneath that you would say my mind is generating the thought That I'm so unworthy Because you're not You're not a worthy your brains just used to making these thoughts. It's in that pattern. It does that thing

[00:21:31] You're actually fucking fine. I don't know. I think it helps. It does help Let me know evil mom pod at gmail.com. I'm giving out the email out this week I want to know what you guys think I think it's interesting

[00:21:44] Okay, that was not what I had planned on covering today, but we did it anyway So that's kind of fine. I think I don't know if I wanted to double up on tools cuz I'm gonna run out Okay Okay, I don't know this one didn't help me

[00:22:00] I don't know I don't ever feel like it did but you know what? We're all different We're not all the same Apple some of us are granny Smith Some of us are gala. Some of us are red fucking delicious

[00:22:10] And if you're red fucking delicious and this applies to you then hey, why who might have not shared this? All right? This one from an actual Copy of a book that my therapist gave me it's called. Thank You Might

[00:22:30] Thank You Mind is the name of this practice and I'm gonna read it for you This is a very brief diffusion. So diffusion is just trying to like separate yourself from your thoughts a Technique in which you simply thank your mind every time an unpleasant thought pops up

[00:22:47] It's a quick way of reminding yourself That's only a thought that thinking is what your mind does and that in a minute your mind will be doing something else May take several thank yous to diffuse from a persistent train of thought here's an example

[00:23:03] What I said was lame. Thank You Mind. I'm a loser Thank You Mind. They're laughing at me. Thank You Mind. I'm anxious. Thank You Mind I'm dizzy. Thank You Mind. Oh Alright, never mind. That's what happens as you just started, you know, you're like yep got it

[00:23:24] Mm-hmm, you know, do you ever get feedback from somebody that you're just like really your town Your kids are fucking brats and you're telling me that I'm doing everything wrong. Yeah, great. Thanks. Thanks for that. Yep

[00:23:35] Thank you. Thank you, Betty. Thank you Betty. Sure. Yeah, no, that's great You know that thing it's it's you know, it's telling her bring yeah, I got it. We got it We're all right. We got it. It's just fine

[00:23:47] Okay, I don't even that's that's a short podcast this week you guys I feel like I should have added more things or man, it's fine. We can just keep it at 22 minutes. You guys are not You're fine without me

[00:24:01] Something else I want to remind you and we'll take a minute just tell you how fucking great you are and that you're doing All right, and I appreciate your listening. I got five minutes. I could ask you to subscribe Subscribe Tell your friends that would be nice

[00:24:19] Uh keep being awesome. Just want you to know that you're a good person You know what? It's so weird this this is no place in anything, but you know what I've got extra time I'm just gonna tell this story. I fell asleep thinking about it last night So

[00:24:38] It doesn't make a lot of sense, but I'm gonna tell the story anyway. It's not about me. It's really not about me The years ago my aunt who I referenced earlier She had a house out by the airport had power lines behind it cute little house

[00:24:55] You know, I'm just saying not not necessarily She was not necessarily living in the lap of luxury. She had a modest lifestyle and She had a little above ground pool in the backyard there and there is a little

[00:25:11] a little kid that I had not seen a little girl probably about five years old and My aunt said hello to her and she's real happy little girl member she was blonde and just kind of running around and

[00:25:26] She went back inside and I said who is that I don't know who is that and she said oh She's being fostered by the people down the street and sometimes I let her come use my pool and she really likes him like that's really nice of you and

[00:25:40] It turns out this little girl was taken away from her parents because She had cigarette burns in her back now that's pretty fucked up and This little girl is like happy to be swimming in my aunt's pool

[00:25:57] And I think of her all the fucking time and this is something that this little girl is now going to have to Overcome, you know, she's gonna have to overcome the fact that one or both of her parents Fucking put their cigarettes out on her skin and

[00:26:18] That one or both of the parents didn't stop it and that this person just did it more than once and I you know, I don't know this girl's name. I don't know her

[00:26:32] Parents which is a good thing because I think if I knew them I would I don't say I'm not saying I would act on it But I am saying that I just wish a physical harm on these people. I really do. I hope they fucking

[00:26:47] Choke on their own vomit and just die because those these people are fucking assholes But it also made me think about The fact that it's easy to go. Well, my parents didn't put cigarettes out on the back

[00:27:02] You know, there's always a sort of comparison or at least there was when I was getting better About well, yeah, I was he didn't lock me in a basement or yeah, but I mean we always had food and You know

[00:27:17] We had a house to live in that kind of thing But your your cigarette burns are different than everybody else's and if if you're going through shit regardless of You know the spectrum of

[00:27:36] Horrifying events that they could take place on you know from being locked in a basement to just the side eye or whatever It doesn't make your It doesn't make your journey any less valid

[00:27:49] You matter too. This little girl fucking matters and I don't think I'll ever forget her situation But at the same time, it's important to remember That it's not comparative. I had a therapist tell me when

[00:28:02] Just because there are people starving in India doesn't make you any less hungry when that time comes around so it matters It does matter so I hope that you're doing well and I believe that you're a good person and I believe you can

[00:28:19] Overcome some of this garbage. Maybe we'll never ever be exactly the same, but these people don't have to live Ruin your life for the for the rest of it. They don't have to ruin the rest of your life is what I'm saying

[00:28:32] You got a friend in me and I am here send emails Keep fighting the good fight. I believe in you You've been listening to the mesh an online media network of shows and programs ranging from business to arts sports to entertainment music to community all

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