Bitchin’ About Trauma Bonds and The “Gray Rock” Method

[00:00:02] What you want, when you want it, where you want it. This is the MESH Hello everyone welcome to another My Mom is a Bitch podcast. I am Jill Marigos I'm your host and I'm skipping my fucking weekly life update because who gives a shit

[00:00:26] We're talking about something so much more important and that is dot dot dot Trauma Bonds exclamation point exclamation point exclamation point This is probably the biggest most important thing I probably shouldn't cover this fucking day one, but this is the thing I see most when I

[00:00:45] Look at forums or Facebook pages that cover narcissistic abuse You know I see people saying stuff like well I still love them and if they're an asshole Why do I still have them? Why does this hurt so much? Why is this so hard and

[00:01:02] It's trauma bonds if you've not heard of them. Holy shit your mind is about to be blown probably heard of them If you've kind of heard of them, you're like yeah, you say that but I just it still fucking hurts

[00:01:12] What am I supposed to do? We're gonna go into all of it. We're gonna talk about the details of it Just so that you can be aware of the fact that this is not Love You don't love this person you have a

[00:01:27] Pretty much a chemical dependency on this person that they have intentionally set up and they love to see you fucking suffer All right, so let's let's jump right in. All right the good news

[00:01:40] If there is any I know you're feeling like shit. You're like good news fuck this bitch The good news though if I can say this the hopeful part of all this is that every Narcissist whether you're with Bobby blue balls or Tammy bitch tits

[00:01:54] Operates the exact same way they create trauma bonds the exact same way. There's two components one There is an imbalance of power and they know they have it They've got the power in this relationship. They feel like they do you feel like they do do they really?

[00:02:12] You can take it back eventually It feels like it now though if you're in the trauma bonding stage Like what the fuck why miss them so much? Let's just let's just go with the fact that while you're trauma bonded

[00:02:24] You believe they have the power number two the second big component of this is it's always the exact same cycle Like I've seen it written a hundred different ways, but it's the same cycle abuse remorse you guys make up abuse remorse and

[00:02:46] If you're asking yourself, well wait a minute. They didn't come in abusing me How could how could it start with abuse because here's what happens? When you fall in love with somebody especially a narcissist a narcissist comes in guns a blazing with love and

[00:03:02] Flattery and praise and you hung the moon you let the stars I've never felt like this about anyone You're the most beautiful person. I just knew the minute I saw you you were going to be the person

[00:03:13] I spent the rest of my life with these are all big red flags By the way, not just a little these are like the flags that they hang outside of the use car lot that the big ones that you're

[00:03:23] Like how do they even get those up on the on the flagpole? Big fucking red flags if so if you meet somebody and you go on a first date and they're saying this shit to you Fucking don't even leave money for the bill at the restaurant

[00:03:38] Just fucking get up grab your purse or your wallet or your jacket and get the fuck out Block them on everything because these are big fucking red flags Anyway, if you felt for it like I've done in the past. We're gonna clean this

[00:03:50] Clean the shit up now. All right, so What happens what happens when you fall in love with somebody? It's great Isn't it when you're first falling in love with somebody and you're just walking on

[00:04:03] Like sunshine like that bad song from the 80s that I you know if I never heard that song again I think it'd be pretty okay with that. What happens? chemically what happens when you fall in love is

[00:04:16] There is a whole shit ton of oxytocin that is released into your body and it feels that's what makes you feel so good Right now though oxytocin is just a fucking word, right? Okay. Yeah, so I give oxytocin That gets released in my body big fucking deal

[00:04:31] What what what does that matter Jill? Here's why it matters because Oxytocin is referred to as the love drug and I'm gonna read you the definition I found online oxytocin is a hormone and a neurotransmitter that is involved in childbirth and breastfeeding

[00:04:49] It is also associated with empathy trust Sexual activity and relationship building it is sometimes referred to as the love hormone because levels of oxytocin increased during hugging and orgasm Gee, I wonder why your body would want to feel all of that great shit. That is it's a hormone

[00:05:08] It is a drug. It's a drug that gets released into your body when you're falling in the loves and if I can feels fantastic and few folks Give the toast and like the narcissist. I mean come on

[00:05:23] They talk about how beautiful you are how handsome you are how strong you are how funny you are I just I never felt like this before and you're just flooded with this shit. It's a great feeling It's a fantastic feeling in a normal relationship

[00:05:37] That honeymoon phase slowly fades, you know a little bit but what happens with a narcissist is They start to realize or decide you're not You didn't hang that moon after all. I think it was just up there the whole time and

[00:05:55] They're gonna put little jabs out they're gonna kind of start to cut you down a little bit They're gonna start to quote-unquote D Value you lower your value in their eyes to them So, you know a little little comments, maybe They might have little

[00:06:15] Comments that might blame you for the bad mood therein. I was in a good mood I don't know you want you made dinner and it's Italian. It's just I had Italian for lunch those things little little sudden appearances into the fact that you

[00:06:29] You used to be so good at predicting my needs and you should have known I had Italian for lunch kind of a feel and You start to panic your body starts to panic and It it releases some cortisol Cortisol is the stress hormone you feel it, you know

[00:06:46] Little panic that will this is a like when you almost get in a car accident that a little adrenaline rush which it is It's adrenaline releases adrenaline into your body. It's a it gives you that little panic the little panic

[00:06:58] We're like fuck this person. I love I could lose this. This is the person. I've waited my whole life for He told me I was the one and now Hmm now it doesn't look like I am and you panic

[00:07:10] But then the next day they call and they're like, sorry. I was in a bad mood. I love you so much I just I think you're so perfect and I didn't mean it

[00:07:18] I really didn't and then your oxytocin goes back up and you're like yay things are right again and I don't know if this is said a lot or if it's recognized or what but truly in the truest sense of the word This is a chemical dependency issue

[00:07:40] And sure fucking feels like it doesn't it it feels like a chemical dependency Logically you look at this cycle you look at this person who's treating you like garbage Who's telling you horrible things about yourself? Who's talking down to you and they're literally telling you how

[00:07:58] terrible you are and You're like I can't leave this person and it makes you feel fucking crazy. It makes you feel crazy It's it's not love I mean if you can step back from it if you could step back from it and go is this love

[00:08:12] Is this the love I had for somebody who you actually did love if it's a child or dog or cat or maybe a parent Who is great or cousin or an aunt if he if you have one of those people that you truly love

[00:08:23] Can you compare it to that relationship that you have with this asshole? You can't it is not Love it is not love. It's chemical fucking dependency. I found an art article online from a website Called medium calm it's called invisible illness and

[00:08:44] I'm gonna read I'm gonna read from that because it it says it better than I could This is why outside observers can't understand why the abused person keeps going back to the abusive relationship There is a genuine chemical addiction in the brain exactly like that of any addict

[00:09:03] That drives the abused back to the abuser Well, it seems like the person should just be able to walk away how many times you heard that one Well, it seems like the person should just be able to walk away from the abusive relationships. They are in fact

[00:09:18] physically addicted to it in addition to the physical addiction the patterns of behavior in the love-hate cycle reinforced codependency in the abused partner by doling out affection in small doses and Altering those doses with long periods of abuse and neglect the abuser keeps the abuse continuously engaged in

[00:09:41] the pursuit of love So you my friend listening are Trying so hard to get the love back to where it was and get that oxytocin and just get things right again You want them to be how they were at the beginning? again and

[00:09:59] The person that you're in the relationship with Tammy or Bobby They're just looking to keep torturing you and every time you come back They're just going to punch you in the face again. Their tears might seem real. They're not

[00:10:14] Their arguments might seem real. I I for so long This guy that I dated was convinced that he had to love me Just cuz he kept coming back so much I'd be like no and it was just he

[00:10:29] Wouldn't let it up and I'm like he really must love me because he's trying so fucking hard And it was just so exhausting to fight him that I just was like fine fine. I

[00:10:40] Was always hoping for it to get back to the better stage and it will never get back there I hate to say it, but it won't you're dealing with somebody who is doing these things to you

[00:10:52] To see how far they can push you and to keep manipulating that way And it's either going to end with you fucking taking all your own Legos apart or They're gonna do worse to you. They're going to ghost you and cut you off altogether and

[00:11:11] Reject you and stop talking to you because they're evil fucking people. All right, I Always found that it was very easy To reject information Because it was too general like how do I know they're talking about this person?

[00:11:27] How do I mean, but yeah other people do that but not my person like that I wouldn't I wouldn't fall for that I have a fucking mechanical engineering degree. I'm not that dumb. Well, this is not about being dumb

[00:11:39] I'm sorry your body. I don't care if you have a job as a janitor At the local hospital or if you fucking run Ford Motor Corporation your body Physically operates just the same way as everybody else's fucking body does and your body

[00:11:58] There's nothing wrong with it. It's operating the way bodies operate That's just it. It's this is not about being smart or stupid This is just about somebody having manipulated the chemicals in your body to make them dependent on them

[00:12:13] That is it and thinking that you're in love with them is like an alcoholic thinking they are in love with whiskey That's silly you have a dependence on them and the confusing part is that you have a dependence on a

[00:12:27] Person versus like a something you drink or you eat But the serious fucking absolute fucking truth is you can time get worked up You do not love them. You have a chemical dependence on them

[00:12:42] And the only way to get around it is cold turkey. That's it. You got to cut them out. Oh, but we have kids together All right. Well, then you keep contact minimum. You don't engage you gray rock

[00:12:54] I'm gonna talk that you know what that's what I'll talk about later gray rock for our self-help tool We'll go into that later But you have to accept the fact that this is a chemical addiction

[00:13:04] And you have to stop it and you have to go no fucking contact with these people and when I say no contact It doesn't just mean like I won't call him or her I won't text him or her it means you don't look at their fucking Facebook

[00:13:16] You don't look at their fucking Instagram. You don't Google them You know, you don't look at pictures because here's the thing and maybe it's just me again But that cortisol In your stomach can be just as fucking addicting as the oxytocin

[00:13:35] Right when you look at that Facebook profile, what are you hoping to see? You're gonna look at that Facebook profile and see him with some like hot 20 year old chick or some like smoking hot Bought guy who looks like Chris fucking Hemsworth. What are you gonna feel?

[00:13:51] You're gonna feel super fucking shitty, but you're gonna feel something That's the problem. It's that yeah, yeah that we're addicted to sometimes or maybe hey Maybe you look at their Facebook page and it says gosh I really am lonely now

[00:14:04] I fucked up and then you're gonna feel pretty good about yourself Except now you're getting all that good and all that bad and all that Yeah, yeah, and all that little heart takes flight stuff from them You're getting it from them

[00:14:19] You have to stop you have to go no fucking contact and it's gonna feel shitty. It's gonna feel shitty I'm sorry It just is but you have to get through that in order to carry on and eventually

[00:14:33] You won't think about them all the time you won't think about them every day They won't even cross your mind and you'll meet somebody better Because when you go for dinner with the new person They won't be like you're the best thing ever in the world

[00:14:44] And I you were like a tidal wave when I found you blah blah blah that's not how real love works Anyway, that was a rant and I'm sorry Okay, I want to read a few of these things because I think this is just important to reiterate to ourselves

[00:15:01] If you are in a trauma bond and this is from Oprah daily I trust Oprah. Okay. I trust her And this is she didn't write this some expert that she probably hired Anyway, in a trauma bond you might find yourself

[00:15:17] Making excuses to minimize or deny things the abuser does He didn't mean it. He's just in a bad mood Using mood altering substances to cope such as alcohol Growing numb to the emotional or physical abuse effectively normalizing it Changing behavior to avoid setting off the abuser

[00:15:40] Suddenly you're this is me paraben but suddenly your feelings don't fucking matter anymore I can't tell tanny or bobby about my day Because it's just gonna make me fucking feel worse Lying to loved ones about aspects of your relationship if you have to fucking

[00:15:57] Avoid and I've done this I've done this with friends and relationships Where I just didn't even tell my mom anymore about the fight I had with my ex boyfriend because why

[00:16:07] She's just gonna tell me to leave him and I know I'm not gonna be able to leave him So why tell her right? My ex work partner got black out fucking drunk And messaged me on facebook Telling me that I was an asshole and a prick

[00:16:23] He told me I was an asshole and a prick and his excuse was I got black out drunk I don't even remember sending that And I fucking tolerated it. That's how bad my relationship with this person was

[00:16:39] That's that's the point that it got to and I'll tell you what as soon as they know You can tolerate being called an asshole and a prick beer bottles start flying by your head

[00:16:49] That's how that shit fucking works. It amplifies. It doesn't get better. It fucking amplifies until you break All right, and I took this sorry I got really amped up there again. I'm passionate about this shit you guys

[00:17:03] I don't want this for you. I'm this is the whole fucking reason I started this podcast was because I can't stand That there are good people out there falling for this shit like I did I what I went through socks fucking ass I know it

[00:17:18] I just uh, I just I feel like I need to put this stuff out there so that people can hear it and go I'm not alone Or at least keep hearing it if you don't believe it at first just keep hearing it until it fucking sinks in

[00:17:31] So important. All right I found this on healthline dot com as well other key signs that you are in A narcissistic relationship. Here's a look at some characteristics of trauma bonds

[00:17:45] You feel unhappy and may not even like your partner any longer, but you still feel unable to end things When you do try to leave you feel physically and emotionally distressed

[00:18:00] When you say you want to leave them they promise to change but make no effort to actually do so You fixate on the quote-unquote good days using them as proof that they truly do care You make excuses and defend their behavior when others express concern

[00:18:20] That goes back to the other list as well. You continue to trust them and hope to change them P. S. You can't fucking change people The only person you can change is you You can't change anybody

[00:18:34] You protect them by keeping abusive behavior secret. Oh, and I thought this was pretty interesting too Okay, this is from that same article from healthline uh, okay The freeze response Perhaps you're familiar with the fight or flight response your body's automatic response to any perceived threat

[00:18:56] Maybe you're even aware people respond to threats in four different ways fight flight freeze fawn When you face abuse or fear the possibility of future abuse Your brain recognizes the impending distress and sends a warning to the rest of your body

[00:19:15] Adrenaline and cortisol cough cough. We mentioned that earlier cough cough The stress hormones flood in jump starting your survival instinct and triggering emotional and physical tension Here's where the power imbalance comes into play if you don't feel as if you can safely escape

[00:19:34] Or stand up to the person abusing you Freezing might seem like the best option so you stay When thoughts of the abuse become too painful Or too difficult to bear You choose to focus on the positive parts of your relationship And ignore or block the rest

[00:19:54] You might make excuses for them and justify their behavior to rationalize your need to stay Each repetition of the cycle can reinforce this sense of powerlessness The seeming Certainty that you'll never be able to escape you come to believe the false reality. They've constructed to control you

[00:20:14] You need them. They need you. You're nothing without them. No one else cares These lies can chip larger and larger blocks from your identity and self-worth tying you more tightly to the relationship

[00:20:29] And they will deny this shit until the day they fucking die, but they are doing this to you on purpose That's what's fucked up. They know what they're doing And they're doing it to you on purpose Sharon and Des Moines

[00:20:46] You the person listening to this podcast if you are going through trauma bonds right now Your partner is doing this to you on fucking purpose That's the person who you think you love I don't think you truly love them And I fucking know they don't truly love you

[00:21:08] You deserve so much better. I promise you you deserve so much better Just the fact that you cared enough to stay as long as you did Just the fact that you tried as hard as you did means you have empathy and compassion

[00:21:20] And love in your heart and you deserve somebody who can give you that shit as well That's all i'm saying. I'm getting off my soapbox now because I've been on a long time. I'm just saying I'm just saying All right, you guys this week's dramatic journal reading

[00:21:37] is uh appropriate to this week's subject It's a trauma bonding and it's fucking absolute best and I can say this this journal entry from august of 2019 was not the last time that uh

[00:21:52] This stuff happened. So I had gone back and forth with this person. I was completely trauma bonded Uh, he was the headliner which in stand-up comedy terms means that he's doing

[00:22:03] 45 minutes to an hour at the end of the show. He's the big deal. Well, why everybody is coming to the show mostly I was the feature doing 20 to 30 minutes beforehand. So Okay, here we go He sent me threatening email

[00:22:21] About how he could quote unquote send emails to people later saying that he was going to Take himself off of the shows with me I don't deserve to be treated like that I don't want to be screamed at for asking a question

[00:22:38] Saying the wrong word or doing my job And I won't stick around for it I am out of his life And I no longer want him in mine He cannot and will not change

[00:22:53] So this is the end. Oh, it wasn't the end. I came back for more punches to the face, but I uh, I did end it completely when that when that strike of lightning hit me in the fucking forehead That was like this guy is fucking killing me

[00:23:10] I quit it. I quit that shit And you can too. All right So that is it. That is our dramatic journal reading for the week And uh, I promise that I would talk about uh gray rock

[00:23:22] So let's do that for a little bit. We got about five minutes. Okay. So as we all know narcissists Our asshole Their whole goal is for you to feel shitty Okay, and it does your narcissist your person that you're dealing with wants you to feel really bad

[00:23:42] But more than that they want to see it. They get the fucking biggest Joy, I don't even know if it's joy because who knows what these people even fucking feel. They're pretty much inside Um, they get a thrill from it. They feel power from it

[00:23:56] They feel good about the fact that you're upset or angry or frustrated if you're crying or if you're like pissed off Or frustrated and you show it to these people. It's exact. You're giving them you are giving them exactly what they want

[00:24:11] That is exactly what they want. They want to break you down and make you feel shitty so Obviously, uh, what's the opposite of that? Giving them fucking nothing And that's what gray rock is. It's that's the common term is gray rock

[00:24:29] Uh, and that here here. I'm gonna read this from medical news today The gray rock method involves communicating in an uninteresting way when act and well fuck

[00:24:40] I had at least fuck up once didn't I you guys I was doing all right there for a while. Okay, let's start again the gray rock method involves communicating in an uninteresting way when interacting with abusive or manipulative people the name gray rock

[00:24:57] refers to how those using this approach become unresponsive similar to a rock and Boring like a gray rock. So you're not like a nice shiny purple quartz or something fancy that people want to look at

[00:25:10] You in a gray rock in a pond you'd look over it. You wouldn't even fucking notice it. You're going for Uh, like a wallflower type of approach neutral neutral This uh, this is from the medical news today. Um website

[00:25:26] This technique may involve avoiding interactions with the abusive person No contact you guys. That's what that means avoid avoid avoid If you're not there, you can't be responsive Uh number two keeping unavoidable interactions brief. So if you have kids

[00:25:42] And you have to do the drop off and they say hey Sharon. How are you doing? Sharon says fine That's it fine

[00:25:54] I I find that when people are trying to interact with you and you don't ask them back. It doesn't open up more conversations. How are you? I'm fine

[00:26:03] That's it giving short or one word answers to the to the questions, which is exactly what I just did fine. Yep You good? Yep Nope, and if they try to go do oh, what are you being bitchy today? Don't respond

[00:26:18] Just neutral and it's hard sometimes they really do like to push or what but try to you have to stay neutral communicating in a factual Unemotional way the aim is to cause the abusive person to lose interest And stop their antagonistic behavior to protect a person's emotional well

[00:26:37] being Why do people use it people use the gray rock method as a coping mechanism for emotional abuse Emotional abuse includes any behavior that a person uses to exert dominance and control over someone else

[00:26:52] That's the narcissist. Uh, it can be uh, they can be insulting demeaning or humiliating to someone They're attempting to control your finances work social life for your parents. They are extremely jealous and possessive They monitor people by reading their emails texts or online search history

[00:27:11] They're trying to gaslight you All those things emotional abuse and this could be anybody. Okay, you got a dick at work Who you don't like how are you today sarin good? I think you just want to leave that's all there is to it. It's very easy

[00:27:27] It's a it's a good way and we're gonna get into this soon. I know I keep teasing boundaries But we're gonna get there It's a good way to set a boundary because at first you're kind of like

[00:27:36] We're all sort of programmed to be like i'm fine. How are you? Like you just automatically say it and just practice not saying it That's all and if you do say it look at next time you'll say less That's all give yourself some credit

[00:27:48] Uh, I believe in you. We're almost out of time. Thanks for holding in Hopefully I covered trauma bonding in a in a good enough way that people really understand what what's going on And what they might be going through or what happened to them. Okay?

[00:28:03] Have a great week. I hope to see you next Wednesday at noon The episodes always come out like subscribe Give me a good rating if you like me if you don't just go go Oh All right, that's it. Uh take care. Bye

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