Bitchin’ About “The Sociopath Next Door” and The Acceptance of Feelings

[00:00:02] What you want, when you want it, where you want it. This is the MESH. Hi there! Thanks for stopping by. This is the My Mom is a Bitch podcast and I am Jill Marigos. Thanks for coming. I appreciate you.

[00:00:28] Thanks for all the downloads last week on the triangulation episode. I was not expecting that. It's pretty cool. Appreciate it. I had kind of a shit ass week, got a migraine that lasted a few days. Thought it was food poisoning. Jesus. Start off with a bang, huh?

[00:00:46] Food poisoning because I was so sick and turned out to be a killer migraine. Had to miss some gigs this weekend which is a little bit rough but I'm back at it. I'm feeling better. Appreciate it for that being gone.

[00:01:01] And while I was down in the dumps, I listened to an audiobook which is fan-fuck-antastic. So maybe that's the good thing. Maybe that's the good thing that came out of all this. I want to share it with you guys this week. It's called The Sociopath Next Door.

[00:01:19] And I'll be honest, I've seen this book around. I'd seen it around. I listened to all the books and saw the cover. I thought the cover looked cheesy. It's like three pairs of eyeballs. And I was like, hmmm. All the eyeballs really. Yeah, I literally, literally, literally, literally

[00:01:39] judged a book by its cover. And somebody else said they loved it. And so I was like, oh look it, I'll download it. And it is super good. I'm going to give you like the pointers, the big things that I took away from it.

[00:01:52] And I suggest reading it. It's really good. It's written by Martha Stout. She's super credited, I guess. What would you call it? She was like, let's see. She served on the clinical faculty of the Harvard Medical School for over 25 years. So yeah, no slouch. And it's really interesting.

[00:02:12] Of course this is about sociopaths. And I always wonder kind of like sociopath, psychopath. What is that? Let's talk about that. Because a psychopath isn't necessarily a sociopath, but a sociopath is a psychopath. So let's go into it. Let me tell you what this is.

[00:02:31] So a sociopath is a person with a psychopathic personality whose behavior is antisocial, often criminal, and lacks a sense of more responsibility or conscience. So they have no feelings. They don't feel the feels. They don't feel anything.

[00:02:49] They might feel a little blip of glee if they fuck someone over or hurt someone. A little satisfaction. Their whole goal in life is to quote-unquote win. Whatever that is for them, it could be money. It could be just hurting people who are prettier

[00:03:03] or more handsome than them. They have something else that they want and maybe stealing it from them. Zero conscience. No guilt, no love in their life. They are unable to feel those feelings. A psychopath, you know, a psychopath would be like a narcissist.

[00:03:20] Anybody with that cluster B personality disorder stuff, antisocial, borderline person who manifests amoral and antisocial behavior. They have a lack of ability to love or establish meaningful personal relationships. They have extreme egocentricity and they fail to learn from experience.

[00:03:41] A psychopath has the feelings. They just don't believe that you have the feelings or they don't want to accept that you have the feelings. So, you know, if you start to cry, for example, say they hurt you and you start to cry,

[00:04:00] they don't think that's real. They think you're just putting that on so that you can manipulate them. They just have the feelings. Very weird psychopath, sociopath. That's it. So anyway, I thought that was kind of interesting.

[00:04:17] The big thing, the first thing that jumped out at me as a holy shit moment was that in the book there is a guy who has already been convicted of some shit. He's going to jail.

[00:04:27] He was stealing, did some other stuff. You know, he's a bad guy and they had Dr. Stout interview him and she asked him what is the thing that you want most from people thinking he's going to say money or to hurt them? And his answer was pity.

[00:04:50] He wants people to pity him. And that was crazy to me. I mean, it came completely from left field but think about it. It does make sense. And they use pity, you know, to manipulate you.

[00:05:08] You're a highly empathetic person and you fall for a person. And I think this goes beyond sociopathy. It goes with like a psychopaths to psychopathy. Psychopathy? Yeah. You're like, why do you have this podcast Jill? You don't even know the words.

[00:05:29] But anyway, this is a quote from the book. It says, The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed as one might imagine at our fearfulness. It is perversely an appeal to our sympathy. It's the pity play.

[00:05:48] So they know they have you if they come in and say something that would make you go, oh no, I'm sorry. You know, I can help you. Let me help you. Think about Ted Bundy.

[00:06:01] Think about Ted Bundy dressing up with an arm sling trying to load books into a car. You know? Oh no, this poor guy, this poor handsome young man in a Volkswagen Beetle and a brown fucking Volkswagen Beetle in Washington state.

[00:06:18] And his, you know, cute hair or whatever they say was really handsome. And that's how he got all those girls, the pity play. What's sadder than somebody struggling with a broken arm? Right? I think about my mother. She is very protective of her money. Oh my God.

[00:06:39] So anytime she'd come out, we would buy her a ticket, a plane ticket to come out. She doesn't have a lot of money and we had enough to pay for it. So of course we did that. We'd buy her a ticket and she'd come out

[00:06:48] and I remember driving around with her and she'd say things like, I'm poor. Now this woman owns a home, has two cars in the garage, you know, has plenty of clothes out the closet. She loves clothes and her house is pretty.

[00:07:05] She's not, and she has money in the bank. She has money in the bank. But she wanted me to believe she was poor so that I would pay for everything. And be like, oh mom, I'm so sorry. Here's money.

[00:07:15] In fact, when my cousin passed away at her house from alcoholism, he was paying her $50 a week to stay there. She convinced his mother who had now just lost her son to give her money every week because my aunt is a very highly empathetic, probably too empathetic person

[00:07:37] and she'd give her money every week. She's a single woman on her own. She's a widow. So yeah, that is their power play. Think about it. If the person that you're with or the person that you were with,

[00:07:51] hopefully you're not worth them anymore, but if you're with them now and you're like, is she? Is Tammy Bitch Tits or Tommy Blueballs? Are they psychopath? Sociopath? Think about it. Did they start off this relationship complaining about next girlfriend

[00:08:10] or a wife who treated him so badly or how they didn't have any money or how they're down on their luck, that kind of stuff? Go back. Go back and think about that. I thought it was so interesting.

[00:08:22] The pity play and I'm fucking used to fall for it all the time, you guys, all the time. Oh my gosh. I swear. All right, but there's more. But wait, there's more. This is what the magical doctor Stout said. Techniques that they use to keep us in line.

[00:08:42] Okay? Somebody doing these to you? Has somebody done these to you? One, charm. They're fucking charming, aren't they? They're very charismatic and cute and fun. Usually they are. They're very charming. Number two, risk taking and convincing you to do it.

[00:09:01] Let's do this fun thing. Let's maybe go in and steal something from the store. Three, recognize their perfect target is a person who's decent and trusting. Again, pity play. Oh, I can't do this or that. Can you help me?

[00:09:17] Blah, blah, blah. You're the perfect fucking target if you're empathetic. Number four, sexual seduction. That's an easy one. You know? Five, crocodile tears, especially when they are about to be confronted. It makes you feel sorry for them, right? Those big fucking huge tears coming out of their eyes.

[00:09:42] They can turn that shit on and I'll tell you, yeah, they're upset. They're about to get busted but they don't care that they hurt you. It takes it, it takes the attention from going to them, going, hey, you're fucking up here.

[00:09:54] You're doing something wrong to being like, I'm sorry, we can talk about it later. Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring it up. It's fine. That's a huge deflection technique and number six, if that one doesn't work,

[00:10:06] righteous indignation where they get all super mad and start talking about how you're mistreating them, insulting them or whatever, they turn it around on you and they start yelling at you because suddenly you're questioning them or making them feel bad. Righteous indignation. All right, where are we at?

[00:10:28] We're at number seven, exploit social and professional roles. Oh my gosh. My mind of course as a comic goes to Louis C.K. because he was exploiting his power as a headliner comic. But think about a teacher or a professional, say even a principal or a therapist.

[00:10:51] Yeah, we are told and she talks about this in the book, not to question authority. We do everything in our power. If somebody we feel like has authority over us, we don't question it and that's a problem. And then the last one of course is guest lighting.

[00:11:05] We talked about that one of the podcasts before. If you're interested in it, go back and have a listen to the guest lighting episode. So those are the things they use to control us. Here are the things that we can use to help ourselves.

[00:11:17] The 13 rules, this is from Martha Stout again, 13 rules for dealing with a sociopath. And I apply these as well to narcissists because somebody's treating you shitty, applies either way. All right, 13 rules dealing with sociopath one, except that some people literally have no conscience.

[00:11:38] That's a hard thing to understand when you have empathy. You think well they can learn it, they can't, they don't have the wiring. You have to keep telling yourself because it takes a while to get it. It does. You think well they could change something could happen.

[00:11:51] What's going to, am I a bad person for not liking them? No, these people have no conscience and they won't ever. I'm sorry, it's true. They just will never be a normal empathetic person with a conscience.

[00:12:07] Number two, in a contest between your instincts and what is implied by the role a person has taken on like an educator, doctor, leader, animal lover, humanist, parent, go with your instincts. She calls it our sixth sense, your instinct.

[00:12:25] Someone doesn't feel right with this person, my best friend Ellen says it all the time. I get a weird feeling from this guy, not for me, not for me. Gotta trust your instincts. Number three, when considering a new relationship of any kind practice the rule of threes regarding

[00:12:42] the claims and promises a person makes and the responsibilities she or he has. Make the rule of threes your personal policy. Three strikes, you're out. All right? How many times does this person lie to you? How many times have they let you down?

[00:12:58] How many times did you catch them cheating? Rule of threes. Number four question authority, just because someone's a doctor does not mean they can't also be a sociopath. You are allowed to question people who have authority in whatever capacity over you.

[00:13:18] You are allowed to trust your gut and say no, no. Number five, suspect flattery. Suspect that shit. Kind compliments are one thing, flattery is another. Okay? Oh, you're just so beautiful. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, versus boy, you look really nice tonight.

[00:13:36] If somebody's going up your ass with all their compliments trying to be like, oh my God, everything. Love bombing, flattery. Suspect that shit. That's not normal. Six, if necessary, redefine your concept of respect. How do you respect somebody? I don't really know them.

[00:13:59] You know, having respect for someone, what does it mean to you, I guess? I feel like respect is earned. I do. I've come to that place. There's a certain amount of civil respect I have for people, right? Like, no, I have respect for other human beings.

[00:14:14] I'm not going to walk up and slap somebody in the face. But in a personal relationship, I feel like respect is earned and consistently earned, right? So like, if after the love bombing phase you feel like, well, I have respect for this person,

[00:14:29] but it keeps slipping and you find this person lying to you or cheating on you or treating you bad or making you feel shitty, do you respect that person still? You can lose respect for a person. That's all I'm saying. All right. Number seven, don't join the game.

[00:14:47] Don't play. Gray rocket, right? Just don't participate. Don't participate in conversations with this person or activities with this person. Don't play. Eight, the best way to protect yourself from sociopath is to avoid him to refuse any kind of contact or communication. Bow out.

[00:15:08] Number nine, question your tendency to pity too early and too easily. If your heart breaks immediately like mine used to do, it still does sometimes a little bit. Question that. Why? Why? Ten, don't try to redeem the unredeemable. Fucker can't change you guys. They can't change.

[00:15:35] Tommy or Bobby Blueballs, Tammy Bitch Tits, no conscience. They can't, they're never going to change. They're not redeemable. Stop trying to push that big fucking boulder up that humongous fucking mountain. It's not, she's not going to change. He's not going to change. Where are we at?

[00:15:54] Eleven, never agree out of pity or for any other reason to help a sociopath conceal his or her true nature. You catch them doing something illegal and they beg you don't tell anyone please, please fuck them, fuck them. God forbid they lose their job.

[00:16:15] Don't tell anyone, don't tell anyone. Twelve, defend your psyche. Look after you. You're responsible for you. I hate to tell you we're all responsible for ourselves. If you're a grown ass adult, if it's time, unless you have children, little children

[00:16:33] that you need to take care of, the only person responsible for you and you getting better is you. You have to defend yourself. You got to look after yourself. Number 13, the best revenge is living well. I, you know, we all do this.

[00:16:48] I do this as well where I get in this fucking on this stationary bicycle where I just paddle my brains out and this is a metaphor, the metaphor, the stationary bicycle is a metaphor. I'm going fucking nowhere.

[00:17:02] I'm telling the same story to my husband and then she did this and then she did that. I'm giving my time to her. I'm giving my energy to her and the best thing I can do is just fucking

[00:17:13] go play with my dogs and go for a walk with my husband and watch a good movie and drink some whiskey and have a good life. That is your best revenge. Find somebody who loves you and they're out there. This book says that 4% of the population are sociopaths. 4%.

[00:17:33] That sounds, it's a lot. It's actually statistically a pretty high amount. It's pretty shocking but at the same time, you know, I know if you're healing and you're just, or you're going through all this stuff and you're trying to separate yourself from somebody who is a narcissist

[00:17:49] or psychopath or, you know, a sociopath, don't jump into relationship. Spend time figuring your own shit out and feeling good about yourself again and then after it's done, you can start to go out and do things. It breaks my heart when I see people say,

[00:18:05] I'll never be in another relationship. Fuck that because there's lots of great people out there who want a good relationship with somebody who's like you, a kind person. Give yourself time. I never hold anybody to that. If they say I'm never ever, I never hold them to that.

[00:18:21] I hope not. I hope they don't. Although if they're happier, alone fuck it. You don't need to have anybody but if you want one, you can have one. I just want to rant on that one. Anyway, so that is the sociopath next door.

[00:18:34] There's so much more to this book than just that but I just really wanted to share it with you guys because it's such a big deal. I wish people would teach their kids this. I wish people would teach especially their daughters

[00:18:46] who are susceptible to fucking Ted Bondi type people, you know, that these people exist and they look just like the rest of us. Some of them even more handsome. They get away with so much fucking shit. Warn your daughters, warn your sons about these kind of assholes

[00:19:03] because they're out there. They are out there. All right, I guess now it would be time for a dramatic journal reading. I know I say this every week but I'm still going to stop doing this. They're dumb. I think dumb. I don't know. I'm questioning all of this.

[00:19:20] Okay, hold on here. Okay, let's see. Here's what you need to know for this one. In an old neighborhood I used to live in down in Van Nuys, which is just outside of LA, there was a guy who I just called Jean Shorts

[00:19:37] because that's all he ever wore was Jean Shorts. So I referred to him as Jean Shorts. I didn't like him and I think you'll hear why. Okay, here we go. I think that's enough information. Okay. Oh, I think I should add too.

[00:19:51] No, wait, I want to add this. The dog Oscar has always been a ton of work. He has all these physical problems and he's the happiest, well-kept dog in the world. I make his dog food from scratch because he has all kinds of like kidney problems and stuff.

[00:20:04] He's allergic to everything. I make this dog's food from scratch. He's the best taken care of dog in the world. No kidding. He's 12 and he's still alive, surprisingly, and he's happy and actually pretty well. So I just wanted to add that in there. All right, here we go.

[00:20:21] This week's dramatic journal reading. I saw Jean Shorts on the walk again today. I hate him so much. He doesn't even have a dog, but he insists I'm doing things wrong with Oscar. He's all, is your mom upfeeding you enough? I'm standing right here.

[00:20:44] He can't understand you, but I can't. Back off, Caesar Milan. I know how to take care of my own fucking dog. All right, that's it. That's this week's dramatic journal reading. Defford's to Caesar. Caesar Milan still on? I don't even know. Dog whisper? Okay. All right.

[00:21:05] So that means it's time for some positivity after all that negativity. I'm going to do this. We have enough time for it. I usually babble on too long, but this is what we're going to do. My cognitive behavioral therapist told me

[00:21:18] I should read this into a tape recorder or my phone or whatever and listen to it back. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to read it. And if you want to do it now or like go back and redo it, if you're feeling some feelings,

[00:21:33] it's the accepting of emotions exercise. So I'm going to read it and you can do with it what you will. Okay. Here we go. I invite you to sit upright in your chair with your back straight and your feet flat on the floor.

[00:21:54] Most people find that they feel more alert and awake sitting this way. So check it out and see if this is the case for you. And either close your eyes or fix them on a spot, whichever you prefer and take a few slow, deep breaths.

[00:22:13] And really notice the breath flowing in and out of your lungs. Now quickly scan your body from head to toe starting at your scalp and moving downward. And notice the sensations you can feel in your head, throat, neck, shoulders, chest, abdomen, arms, legs, and feet. Now zoom in

[00:22:49] on the part of your body where you're feeling the sensation most intensely and observe the feeling closely as if you are a curious scientist who's never encountered anything like this before. Observe the sensation carefully. Let your thoughts come and go like passing cars

[00:23:12] and keep your attention on this sensation. Notice where it starts and where it stops. Just learn as much about it as you can. If you drew an outline around it, what shape would it have? Is it on the surface of the body or inside you or both?

[00:23:34] How far inside you does it go? Where is it the most intense? Where is it the weakest? If you drift off into your thoughts as soon as you realize it just come back and focus on that sensation and observe it with curiosity.

[00:23:55] How is it different in the center than around the edges? Is there any pulsation or vibration within it? Is it light or heavy? Moving or still? What is its temperature? Are there hot spots or cold spots? Notice the different elements within it.

[00:24:23] Notice that it's not just one sensation. There are sensations within sensations. Notice the different layers. As you're observing this feeling, breathe into it. Imagine your breath flowing into and around this feeling breathing into and around it. And as you're breathing into it,

[00:24:52] it's as if in some magical way all the space opens up inside you. You open up around this feeling and you make space for it. Expand around it. However you make sense of that breathing into it and opening up around it. And see if you can just allow

[00:25:15] this sensation to be there. You don't have to like it or want it. Just allow it. Just let it be. Observe it. Breathe into it. Open up around it and allow it to be as it is. You may feel a strong urge to fight with it

[00:25:43] or to push it away. Just acknowledge the urge. Just acknowledge that it's there without acting on it and continue observing the sensation. Don't try to get rid of it or alter it. If it changes by itself, that's okay. If it doesn't change, that's okay too.

[00:26:05] Changing or getting rid of it is not the goal. Your aim is to just simply allow it to let it be. Now imagine this feeling where sensation is an object. As an object, what shape does it have? Is it liquid, solid or gas? Is it moving or still?

[00:26:34] What color is it? Is it transparent or opaque? If you could touch the surface what would it feel like? Wet or dry? Rough or smooth? Hot or cold? Soft or hard? Observe this object curiously. Breathe into it and open up around it.

[00:27:05] You don't have to like it or want it. Just allow it and notice that you are bigger than this object. No matter how big it gets it can never be bigger than you. This feeling tells you very valuable information. It tells you that you are a normal

[00:27:27] human being with a heart. It tells you that you care that there are things in life that matter to you. And this is what humans feel when there's a gap between what we want and what we've got. The bigger the gap, the bigger the feeling.

[00:27:53] Now take one of your hands and touch it in the heart of your body and imagine that this is a healing hand. A hand of a loving friend or a parent or nurse. And let the warmth flowing from your hand flow into your body.

[00:28:12] Not to get rid of the feeling but just to make room for it. To soften up and loosen up around it hold it gently baby or a frightened puppy and letting your hand fall once again breathe into the feeling and expand around it.

[00:28:38] Life is like a stage show and on that stage are all of your thoughts and all of your feelings and everything that you can see, hear, touch, taste and smell. And for the last few minutes we dim the lights on the stage and we shine a spotlight

[00:28:59] on the human feeling. And now it's time to bring up the rest of the lights. So bring up the lights on your body, notice your arms and legs and head and neck and notice that you're in control of your arms and legs regardless of what you're feeling.

[00:29:17] Just move them around a little to check in on yourself and take a stretch and notice yourself stretching and bring up the lights and around you open your eyes look around and notice what you can see and notice what you can hear

[00:29:37] and notice that there's not just a feeling here there's a feeling inside a body inside a room inside a world of opportunity and welcome back Alright I hope you didn't fall asleep while you were driving This is useful for you I hope it is use it

[00:29:59] and we're out of time that was a quick half hour Alright you guys I hope you have a great week and keep taking care of yourselves and that's it Okay, bye Thanks for watching