Bitchin’ About The Effects of Having Narcissistic Parents and Parenting Your Inner-Child

[00:00:02] What you want, when you want it, where you want it. This is the MESH. Well hello everyone, welcome to the My Mom is a Bitch podcast. I am Jill Marigos, your loyal loving host

[00:00:26] this week and every week I'm here with you. I will be at the Looney Bin in Little Rock, Arkansas Wednesday through Saturday this week if you're a fan of stand-up comedy. You can do that. I've got that going on for me

[00:00:42] and that's really, it's kind of all the exciting news I have for you this week. I thought this week we could talk about, or I guess I could talk about and you could hear if you want to.

[00:00:56] Oh I say we, it's just me. It's so dumb. Anyway, this week I thought it might be useful for me to talk about the long-lasting effects of having a narcissistic parent and I don't want this to be, I don't want this to be fuel

[00:01:13] for finger pointing. Right? Like I like to arm myself with this kind of information so I can go, oh wait a minute this is why I do that thing. I do that thing because of this. It's my brain operates this way because of these things

[00:01:26] and it gives me a chance to kind of step back from it and kind of recognize why I'm doing it and it gives me the ability to try to change it. So with that in mind I found a few articles which I found were

[00:01:42] a little bit interesting. This one's written by a doctor Craig Malkin. It was on psychology today I feel like that's credible and these all sort of struck home with me. Eight common long-lasting effects

[00:01:58] of narcissistic parenting subtitle what happens when you live in the shadow of a narcissistic parent? I thought these were all kind of true. First thing is chronic self-blame. Narcissistic parents may or may not be openly abusive but they're almost certainly emotionally tone deaf. Two preoccupied with their

[00:02:18] own concerns to hear our pain because emotionally sensitive children who long for love can't just walk out the door and find a new family. They often nurture hope by sacrificing their own self-esteem.

[00:02:30] I'm the problem they tell themselves if I were quieter, calmer or happier my mother wouldn't yell at me ignore me or criticize me all the time. That sounds familiar. If I fix myself I'll finally be loved

[00:02:43] and sadly we blame ourselves for what's missing from our lives to preserve a shred of hope and I do feel like these things carry on through our adult life. We blame ourselves for things that go wrong

[00:02:53] and sometimes you are responsible for things you can't blame yourself for everything. Even you know the things that you're not supposed to be blaming yourself for and you're just like, I mean could it be my fault? My husband says I make him drink too much.

[00:03:11] What the fuck? You can't make somebody drink too much unless your time here has been to a chair forcing his mouth open and pouring the Jack Daniels down his throat. You're not making anybody drink anything.

[00:03:22] He's drinking all that shit on his own. Number two, ECHOISM. This is his own term. If you're particularly sensitive or empathetic by nature you're more likely to respond to narcissistic parenting with a stance I call ECHOISM. Fuck me. ECHOISM? It's like mechanism.

[00:03:45] He calls it ECHOISM. Named after the nymph ECHO who was cursed to repeat back the last few words she heard just as narcissists fell in love with his own reflection our ECHO fell in love with narcissists.

[00:04:00] So narcissistic parents who explode without warning or collapse in tears anytime a child dares to express a need for sensitive children to take up as little room as possible as if having any expectations at all is an act of selfishness. Like ECHO, ECHOISM

[00:04:18] struggle to have a voice of their own and often end up with extremely narcissistic partners. Think about that for just a second. Think about if one of the things that happens to you being raised by an adult parent is that you become a person with no voice

[00:04:37] and you're looking for a person to give you a voice. Who do you think you're going to seek out? You're going to seek out the person who's more than freakin' willing to give you their voice,

[00:04:51] you know, they're not going to look to build you up. They're going to be like, yeah this is how you think and this is how you feel. Ever have a narcissist tell you? I know what you're thinking. I know how you feel. You did this because of that.

[00:05:02] They do that shit all the time. I know what you meant. I know what you're thinking. Yeah, and if you're somebody who is raised to not know really what you think or feel

[00:05:12] or you've played it small, they are going to fuckin' swoop in and take advantage of that shit immediately. They want you around and in a way until you get better, you're going to want them around because they solve all the problems of giving you a voice.

[00:05:29] Alright, I'm off my soapbox now. Number three, insecure attachment. Alright, think of secure attachment as our degree of comfort with becoming close to and depending on others in healthy ways. Oh man, you guys, I'm the worst at this.

[00:05:49] The neglect, abuse or emotional absence of a narcissistic parent can make us question how safe we are in other people's hands. Roughly speaking, insecure attachment can take two forms. One, avoidant attachment in which we manage our fears by shutting people out. He puts in parentheses.

[00:06:10] You know, maybe you've said this before. I know a lot of people have. I'll never risk depending on anyone ever again. And number two, anxious attachment where we chase after love pursuing sometimes angrily the connection we long for with our loved ones.

[00:06:27] Why don't you pay attention to me? Whether you become anxious or avoidant depends on a complex combination of temperament and consistency and care and attention but ongoing, ongoing. Onglowing, ongoing neglect tends to create avoidance and unpredictable attention generally yields anxiety.

[00:06:48] I'm bad at this you guys. I am very bad at it. It's gonna sound weird but whatever. This is my podcast and we're all kind of fucked up. I have a hard time making friends with people. I get nervous. I get nervous talking to people.

[00:07:03] Telephone calls scare the shit out of me. I love emails but fucking phone calls. I have to come up with the right thing to say on the spot. You guys don't know how many times I say something and then I delete it on this podcast

[00:07:17] because it's a rambling incoherent mess. And I get worse as I get older and it's just it's a fucking nightmare and meeting people in person. Oh my God! It's awful. I have to go out for dinner with my husband and his boss in a couple weeks

[00:07:35] and I'm fucking terrified. If I don't wear the right thing maybe I don't like maybe it's too conservative, maybe it's too racy. What am I gonna say? What does he say? What do you do for a living?

[00:07:45] Blah blah blah blah. I don't know. I don't like the free fall. I do not like the free fall of actual conversation. It's scary. It's awful and scary. I'm sorry but that's true. I don't know. Okay what's next? We'll move on from here.

[00:08:01] This one's called need panic. Number four, need panic. A related problem is something I call need panic. Narcissistic parents can make their children terrified of their needs who bury them by becoming compulsive caretakers or simply falling silent.

[00:08:23] They may hum along for a while seeming to need nothing from their partners or friends. Then a crisis hits and suddenly in ways they find deeply unsettling they call their friends incessantly or seek constant reassurance.

[00:08:38] The quickest way to eliminate a need after all is to get it met immediately. Paradoxically the people most afraid of their needs are apt to seem the most quote-unquote needy. I do this. I don't do it as much as I used to.

[00:08:55] If I had a shitty day, oh my god, I will blow up my husband's texts. I will or my friend Ellen will be like, oh this happened. I can't take it.

[00:09:05] And I'm sure I look needy. I try to keep it tempered because I do want to keep them around but it's easy to do. Push down all the needs until you're like, fucking you gotta help me everything's bad.

[00:09:19] I think on the inside I feel like they must know all the needs that I didn't call them for. But I guess not. How would they have known? I never told them about that. That makes sense. Alright, I don't know. Do you do that? Do you do it?

[00:09:33] Just a question. Think about it. Alright you guys. Onward and upward. Number five. There's a turning point. Have way. Fierce independence. Outgoing. Adventurous children may respond to narcissistic parenting by abandoning emotional intimacy all together believing that no one can be trusted or be relied on.

[00:09:56] This is impossible to sustain naturally and can easily engender intermittent need panic. Alternatively, children with more sensitive temperaments may become compulsively selfless caretakers as if the only way they can enjoy nurturance? Is that a word? I don't know. They can enjoy being nurtured is vicariously

[00:10:25] by providing others with the warmth and caring they never enjoyed. So, yeah, that pretty much speaks for itself. Are you one of those people who's like, fuck that? Never getting married? Never get myself that close? Never doing it? It's too much. Or are you somebody who just, okay.

[00:10:44] I feel like the enjoying vicariously stuff is a little bit like, I feel like mostly we feel like we need to care for somebody just to keep them around or it's like how we're taught to love. You know? If I pamper the shit out of you,

[00:10:59] you're gonna stay. I don't know. That maybe that's just me. Number six. Oh God, this guy in his words. He makes words up. The parentified child? I don't know what that means. Temporarily sensitive children who are often gifted empaths can develop a laser-like focus on their parents

[00:11:22] and later their partner's needs. They organize their lives around the happiness of others. Convince they have to bolster their parents' esteem. Of course, you're pretty, mom, uh-huh. Or prevent their next explosion. I'll get your snack, your stress. Hang on, I got you. You know? That stuff.

[00:11:40] By closely minding their every desire or whim. The frightened child turns little adult often grows up to worry endlessly about their selfishness. They may even grow to hate their own needs, reviewing them as a burden to everyone else. Kind of do that. I try not to.

[00:12:02] I think that's what one would call co-dependence, you know? And I've worked on that some. I used to be the person who was like, you're gonna wear those shoes? Are you sure? You're gonna be cold? It's gonna be slippery. We're gonna go hiking.

[00:12:14] You sure you wanna wear sneakers? You wanna wear something with ankle support? I had to quell that shit because I was like, I even sound annoying to me. Like, it's stupid. People are allowed to fall and fail. If you have to micromanage somebody's every move

[00:12:31] because you're worried that they do slip and they blame you because of the shoes they picked, fucking dump them. You deserve better than that. You are not responsible for anybody but yourself. And maybe your kids if you have little kids, okay? But no. No. Number seven.

[00:12:48] I'm gonna have soap boxing today, I guess. Number seven, extreme narcissism. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. The more aggressive a child is by nature, the more likely they are to respond to narcissistic parenting by playing a game of it. If you can't beat them, join them.

[00:13:04] I'll just make sure I'm the loudest, prettiest, smartest person in the room. That way no one can make me feel unimportant again. If you're both born with a stubborn, bombastic temperament and exposed to the kind of neglectful or abusive parenting narcissists often provide,

[00:13:19] you're more likely to end up narcissistic yourself. Um, yeah. We can do that. I don't think I did it. I think I'm more of the person who got small. Uh, but yeah. I mean, we do pick up patterns like our parents teach us stuff.

[00:13:36] We don't know any better, you know? I was terrible at dating. I would just be like so shity to people and that's how my mom was. And I feel like, well, how do I know? I thought this was what kept people around.

[00:13:48] I had to unlearn a lot of that myself, but yeah. I don't know. I feel like if you, that's probably, if you're listening to this, this probably isn't you because none of the narcissists I know would listen to something, a podcast like this. So, okay.

[00:14:02] Number eight, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD. The more abusive narcissistic parents become, the more likely they are to traumatize their children and that can lead to a fearful approach of life and to PTSD. Abuse throws us into a state of constant alertness

[00:14:20] vigilantly prepared to dodge the next danger. This typically leads to chronic anxiety, sudden memories of abuse, emotional rumbling. Uh, no, not rumbling. Numbing. Emotionally. Like we're going to rumble. We're going to rumble. Emotion...no. Emotional numbing. You're numb emotionally. And even a foreshortened sense of future.

[00:14:43] I did that. I didn't think I was going to live until I was 30. And it actually says this in this article in which people become so fixed on simply surviving that they lose the ability to imagine living beyond the present. One client felt certain, for example,

[00:14:59] that he wouldn't see his 30th birthday. How fucked up is that? I did that. I did that. When living represents a constant threat, there's no room for a five-year plan. The future becomes nebulous, even opaque. And when that happens, mapping out the next steps in life

[00:15:15] is like trying to walk through a brick wall. Yes! That's for sure. PTSD. That leads us to... I'm doing a lot of reading on this one. It is what it is. Um, found an article, the link between narcissistic mothers and this person calls it CPTSD.

[00:15:34] Because PTSD is usually caused by one incident. Like if, uh, persons, uh, at war in, you know, a soldier in a war and something traumatic happens, they're gonna flash back to that event. It can change everything for them. It's a terrible thing. But CPTSD...

[00:15:53] I guess I should say CPTSD. Because it's usually PTSD. Uh, it's complex post-traumatic stress disorder. So it's like a... Instead of it being one specified event, uh, it's sort of a complex, uh, jambalaya of shittiness that our parents, uh, did to us. Um, let's see.

[00:16:14] Here, I'm just gonna read this list from that article. It says, Uh, people who have CPTSD experience, uh, emotional regulation difficulties, feelings of emptiness and hopelessness, feelings of hostility and distrust, feelings of difference and defectiveness. I'm doing that. I feel real different. Dissociative symptoms and suicidal feelings.

[00:16:45] I don't... I am not wanting to commit suicide thankfully. If you ever think about suicide, please get help. It's not a great, um, solution to any problem really. Uh, that was also taken from the psychology today, uh, website. So that's... I say that so it legitimizes it.

[00:17:08] It's not just some jimoke saying, oh, I had... I did a thing. I wrote a thing on the internet. And then finally, uh, Psych Central, another website. Uh, five common struggles of children, of narcissists, what we face in adulthood. Uh, one, we have people pleasing tendencies. Yup.

[00:17:28] Two, they suffer from persistent sense of self-doubt. Yup. Uh, three, they feel guilt, shame and fear about succeeding or being in the spotlight. Mm-hmm. Four, they have insecure or anxious attachment styles, uh, which is what the other article said. And five, they feel defective and worthless. Which sucks.

[00:17:53] That all sucks, you guys. But again, I, uh, I'm presenting these things to you because, I... A, I want you to know I'm fucking right there with you. I do have all these issues with you. Um, two, I want you to have, uh, context for this bullshit. Okay?

[00:18:16] If you do anything on this list and you find yourself doing it and you recognize it, you can go, oh, I know why I'm doing this. I'm doing this because of my fucking bitch ass mother. You know, I... Is this an action or an activity

[00:18:31] or a mindset that I can change? Okay? So don't, don't use this as a fucking swamp to swim in. Use it as a jumping board, a jump, a diving board, a jumping board, fucking Jill. See? Beat myself up. Low self-esteem. Uh, use it as a springboard

[00:18:55] or a diving board into, uh, changing what makes you unhappy in your life. Okay? I don't even want to say what's wrong with you because your brain is doing exactly what a normal human brain does to survive a shit-ass situation. And how would you have known any different?

[00:19:13] You couldn't have until now. Now you know this stuff. And if you're struggling with it, talk to a therapist. Therapists are fucking great. Most of them. And don't settle for any shitty... Oh my gosh, here I go on a thing. Don't... If you don't like your therapist,

[00:19:27] you know you can find a different one, right? Go to somebody who makes you feel hurt. I went to like three or four before I finally found one that was like, holy shit, this makes all the sense. And I liked her. And then she retired.

[00:19:40] Uh, I felt like it was okay though because we, uh, I saw her for a few years. So everything's fine. Uh, so yeah, that's it. Did you relate to these? Send me an email. Even mo... Even you guys with the talking today. It's evilmompod at gmail.com.

[00:19:59] That's the email address. Evilmompod at gmail.com. Send me an email. Let me know if any of these, all of these relate to you. I'd love to hear it. Um, you know what? I'm gonna skip the journal reading this way. Should I? Fuck.

[00:20:18] I don't do it, but then I also feel like it's kind of dumb. All right, we'll do it. We'll do it. Fine. Okay. Here's what you need to know before I read this journal entry. I lived in Northern California up near Santa Rosa, California for years.

[00:20:34] Uh, I was trying to get in at a club in Sunnyvale, which is two and a half hours away from my house. And with traffic in California, it's nuts. So I would leave like fucking two o'clock in the afternoon to drive out there.

[00:20:45] And multiple times I went to the club and, uh, I, as a way to audition, you'd have to host. And a couple of times I went out and I hosted, did my first little time there at, you know,

[00:21:00] before the other comics went up and they wouldn't watch my set. And the only way to get past was for them to watch your set. So then I would have to come all the way back on like a Wednesday night and host the worst ever open mic.

[00:21:14] And, uh, this story, this journal entry is, uh, the last time I drove down there. This is this week's dramatic journal reading. Welp. Yesterday sucked dick. I drove all the way out to roost your tea feathers. Two and a half hours each way to host.

[00:21:42] And the manager there said she didn't have me down as the host. I'm fucking done. Fuck that shit. They can take their club and shove it up their gaping asshole. All right. There you go. It's your bitter host's dramatic journal reading. Never went back.

[00:22:09] I did get a nice email from the manager or the club owner, I should say, say, come back and I said, nah, I'm all right. I don't think so. This has happened too many times and she was nice about it. We're cool.

[00:22:21] I just thought that was kind of a funny journal reading. All right. Onward and upward. Let's figure out something that we can do this week to feel better. Uh, thought it might be appropriate.

[00:22:32] I don't know if I'm going to have enough time, but I mean, we have some. Okay. That's fine. Um, I want to talk about parenting your inner child. Don't leave. Do not. Don't shut this podcast off yet. I know it sounds stupid and it kind of is stupid.

[00:22:47] I'm gonna be honest. If it works for you, it's not stupid. For me, I just felt like this is a little dumb. Okay. But I did get some stuff out of it. So I wanted to share what I know about it.

[00:22:58] The book I got, which was called parenting your inner child. They would have you do all these exercises. Who is your inner child? And you sit down at a table and you go, how are you feeling today? Inner child.

[00:23:11] And you write that down and then you would write down what came up. Oh, I'm feeling okay. A little bit sad. Oh, you're sad. Why are you sad? Blah, blah, blah.

[00:23:19] And I think the goal of that for me anyway, the thing I got out of it was that there's yourself and then there's your higher self. Like, do you ever just be like, oh, I'm so fucking pissed today and I don't know why.

[00:23:31] The part of your brain that's able to look, not look down but look at, I don't want to say like it's looking down on you. Like it's judging you. But the part of your brain that sort of detached from all your feelings is sort of

[00:23:44] intellectual, you know, higher self, I guess you call it, right? Like, I had a little battle like the PMS and threw a phone across the room which is very much outside of my normal temperament.

[00:24:00] And I remember thinking, God, I just feel so mad right now and I don't know why. I was just a bundle of fucking emotion and anger as during the pandemic and everything wasn't going wrong. And I still was like, gosh, what is happening to me?

[00:24:15] I just feel like punching stuff, you know? And so it's sort of that separating out the part of you that is emotional and the part of you that's the thinky-thinky part, right? Because that's all we're going to try to do in all of these exercises is look at,

[00:24:29] you know, look objectively at how we're feeling. And if you can do that, then you can go, well, wait a minute, I can work on this stuff, stuff I can work on. Okay. I don't have enough time to cover boundaries today but I use it and we will

[00:24:46] talk about boundaries. We will. I use it, the whole self-parenting technique. I kind of use it like, oh no, I got you now. Like I adopted myself. Does that make sense? Or just like, no, no, no. She did a shit-ass job. I got you now.

[00:25:03] That's what I say to myself. I'm like, nope, I got you. We're not doing this anymore. If you were to adopt a kid and that kid was out of control, good kid, you know, but he or she had some emotional stuff going on or like whatever

[00:25:17] you're like, no, we don't do that here anymore. We don't let people talk to us that way. We don't let people treat us that way. Okay. I use it as a way to just sort of be like, no little Jill, you know, no inner-child Jill inside there.

[00:25:32] We're not doing that. We don't allow people to do that or I don't want to act like that. You know, it's both about just to clarify what my point was. It is both about how I allow people to treat me from sort of like a higher up

[00:25:52] part of myself. I hope that makes sense. And it's also what I allow myself to do and not do. I think that makes some sense. So really, you know, if this is all new and it sounds weird, then you know, you just separate out.

[00:26:10] This is how I'm feeling. I'm feeling this way because of that. Just try to make a separation between the feelings and the thoughts. Be an observer of yourself. If this stuff sounds right up your fucking alley,

[00:26:24] if you're super into the woo-woo stuff and it fucking works for you, write on. Do that. Do the inner-parenting stuff. The book I got was again called Parenting Your Inner-Child. Do it. I don't know what helps you.

[00:26:39] I've never been a big fan of the whole, you know, being in therapy and having her be like, I want you to talk to me like you talked to your mom and I want you to pretend this. I don't do that stuff. I don't. I'm a math girl.

[00:26:51] It's never worked for me. All it does is make me feel stupid. Okay? But if it works for you, you know, if you want to write your inner-child a letter, write him a letter, write her a letter. Why not?

[00:27:04] You want to sit down and look in the mirror and tell yourself things? Fucking do it. Because that stuff helps you do everything that helps you. Nobody gets to tell you what works for you. You have to try shit on. I hope you're trying this shit on.

[00:27:18] Sometimes I feel real dumb telling you about it. Okay. Well, again, we're almost out of time. If you enjoyed the podcast, please subscribe. They come out every Wednesday at noon. If you didn't enjoy it. Thanks for hanging out this long. You're a trooper. I love to get emails.

[00:27:38] Let me know how you're doing. If any of this shit's working for you, evilmompod at gmail.com. I hope you guys have a great week. You got it. You can do this. You're not the shitty person your parents told you you were.

[00:27:54] You deserve to have a good loving relationship with yourself and with someone else. And I just want to say that I believe in you. I love you. You're doing well. Okay. No, you hit it. Why is this always so hard? I don't know. Okay.

[00:28:09] I'm going to do it. Okay. Bye. Discover other network shows and give us feedback on what you just heard.