Surviving the Big Bad Week - A Two-Part Journey - Part 2: The Power of Pause and Compassion

[00:00:02] What you want, when you want it, where you want it. This is The MESH. Hey, I'm Amy Chang. I'm a nationally board-certified health and wellness coach and this is Healthy AF. In this podcast, I'll be bringing you all things health, from the newest health strategies to how to tackle those personal roadblocks that just will not let you move forward.

[00:00:26] So buckle in. We're going to be inspired and instructed and dadgum we're going to have a little fun on Healthy AF. Hey everybody and welcome to another episode of Healthy AF. In this episode, this is part two of the bad week episode.

[00:00:46] And we're going to share with you the conclusion of my really bad week and what I learned, what I think is pertinent to share with y'all. I hope it's pertinent. And how I came out on the other side and I'm still standing above ground. So I'll take that for the win. Okay, so when I last left you last week, and if you haven't listened to last week's, go back and listen.

[00:01:16] Because I'm not rehashing all the details up in here. I've hashed them enough over the last week and I need to put those suckers to bed. The take home message is, it was a really hard week. And I did a lot of stuff. My productivity was really high. I handled everything that needed to be handled. And then I kind of crashed. And I realized that I wasn't really very nice to myself.

[00:01:43] I tended to diminish what I did. I completely ignored any of the feelings I was feeling until they, you know, knocked on my door so loudly I had to look at them. And even when I looked at them, I wasn't able to muster up any compassion for myself without the help of my coach. Good things happen in community. Remember that. Good things happen in community.

[00:02:11] So that's where I left you last week, sitting in my suburban, crying during my coaching session with my coach and her helping me cultivate some compassion. Okay, that was Wednesday. So Wednesday evening, I started doing some things that took care of me.

[00:02:35] Now, one really important thing that I should mention here is the way my coach helped me reframe what I was dealing with.

[00:02:52] I was dealing with some stories that were being made up in my brain about, well, if you feel tired and worn out after you've had to make 40-11 decisions and life has been hard,

[00:03:10] then clearly you are dependent and weak and you really do need a man in your life to help you and you can't take care of yourself. And that wasn't true.

[00:03:29] What was true was that I had a lot of decisions to make and I really missed having a person around, be it a partner, a roommate, a sister, you know, somebody.

[00:03:42] To have that conversation over like, do we get the Amana unit or do we get the train unit and which ones have better reviews and do they both have warranties and like all the decisions and all the pain in the butt when it comes to replacing an HVAC system.

[00:04:01] So, my coach helped me see that I could be compassionate to myself and keep it real. Okay? I didn't have to go from, oh, I'm a bad person who's weak and has to have a man to, oh, no, I'm the strongest person in town and everything is good. No, that would have been complete bull crap and we're not doing that.

[00:04:31] But she gave me this really brilliant reframing. She said, Amy, you had some things happen this week. You know, the oil light in the car, you had a big thing at work, you know, you had the HVAC go out.

[00:04:52] And you handled those in a non-preferred way by myself. I don't like handling really super extra big decisions like that by myself. It's a non-preferred way. And then she said, and it was unpleasant.

[00:05:20] And that just took all the made-up story about how, well, I must be dependent or I must need a man or something must be wrong with me because that's the story my brain always goes to. It took all that out and just got it real nice and neat. No, this is what happened. Some shit came up in your life.

[00:05:46] You had to deal with it in a way that you didn't like and it was unpleasant. Okay, great. That's what happened. Now that I'm not making up junk about myself, now I can go into, okay, so what do I need now?

[00:06:15] What is it I need to do to help myself feel sane and accomplish the things that I need to get done? And take care of the energy that I just put out because I was doing something in an unpreferred way that wasn't pleasant. Okay, great. So Wednesday night, I went home and I did, I got my hair painted, which was lovely. I kept my hair a point. Look at me like, I got my hair painted. She straightened it out for me.

[00:06:45] And I went home and I built a fire and I communicated with my church people. Hey, I'd love not to come and do my volunteering today. Do y'all have enough people to cover? I've had a hard week. And thankfully, my other church volunteers all texted back and said, I'm going to be there to cover. I'm going to be there to cover.

[00:07:15] I'm going to be there to cover. There were plenty of people to make that church obligation still move forward. And they put compassion on me too. Hey, I get it. I've had a bad week. Sometimes take care of yourself. I was hesitant to tell them the details, right? And I decided to tell them the details.

[00:07:42] I decided that every time I said it out loud, Hey, I've had some big decisions to make. And I did that alone. And I'm proud of all the lifing and adulting I've done. And also, it kind of stinks and I'm really tired. And I just want to stay home.

[00:08:08] I can practice saying that without putting all the other stuff on it. And for me, that's a really good tool for my healing and putting these stories that are disempowering out of my head. So I was able to share that with my church group and get lots of love, which was great. But the area of growth was just sharing it. Just saying it again.

[00:08:37] Practice saying it. So I canceled my church obligation. Stayed home. Built a fire. Totally vegged out watching British Mysteries, as usual. And got a good night's sleep. Thursday, I woke up. I would love to tell you that it was sunshine and roses and that I was in awe of the beauty of nature and everything felt good. No. I will not say that. Those would be lies.

[00:09:05] Thursday, I woke up in complete overwhelm. Complete overwhelm. I had addressed my feelings and I knew they were there. Thank goodness. Because I also had an arm's length of stuff that needed to get done before I left Friday morning at 5 a.m. To go on a 12-day trip.

[00:09:33] And the people coming to put in a brand new HVAC system were going to be there at 8 in the morning on Thursday. So my Thursday morning started out with me in my warmest pajamas. Again, thank goodness I made pajama pants for Christmas. And they are hot. So I was in my warmest pajamas in my 54-degree house when the HVAC people showed up. And I couldn't even be nice to them.

[00:10:03] I didn't have anything in the bucket. They were like, you're going to get a new thermostat and we can tell you all about it. I'm like, I can't do it. I'm like, you're going to have to tell me about that later. I don't care about how that thermostat works until I get home from my trip. I'm up to my eyeballs. I felt bad. Their little eyes were like saucers looking at me like, is she okay? And I was like, I can't do it today. This is all I got for you.

[00:10:32] My daughter, my sweet daughter, my oldest who lives with me, asked me before she went to school. She said, Mom, is there any way I can support you? I don't have a lot of time, but is there any way I could support you? And I said, I don't know. I'm not sure. So I made a cup of coffee and I did exactly what I told my coach the day before I was going to do.

[00:10:59] I'm going to sit down and I'm going to look up the information that I need to know about my trip. Because being fearful of not knowing all the details is really sending me into some anxious behaviors. So I slowed down. I sat down and I looked up all the answers I needed to know. And I did all the Delta stuff.

[00:11:28] And I did the exit ticket to the Dominican through their governmental website stuff. And I made the passport photos. And I made the global entry photos. And then I texted the lady I know who's going on the trip and asked her like, okay, well, really, what do I need to pack? And I started to feel better. But I had a 1230 meeting that I had set up with a group of people that I've only met once.

[00:11:56] And it just was not going to be in my self-care, self-compassion to do that meeting. And so once again, I went to those people. Hey, y'all, I'm not going to be at this meeting. You can reschedule. You can have it and tell me what happened. I don't have the energy for it. And I love you. Like, I hope you forgive me.

[00:12:24] And they actually decided to reschedule that. And as soon as that was off my plate, I was like, okay, thank goodness. I ran the errands I needed to run. I got the watch battery. I did the snacks from the food lion, right? Like, at this point, my energy is starting to come up. I'm starting to focus in on all the things I can do. I had started packing.

[00:12:51] I pulled up the suitcase from the garage, wiped all the mildew off of it. You know, we live in a humid area. Everything was sort of coming together. I tried on pants that I don't usually wear. Scrub pants. Do they fit? Do they not? If you're a woman, you know, trying on pants can be stressful. Which top should I wear with them? Do I need to pack my stethoscope?

[00:13:19] You know, got all that stuff out. Came home, had a client, coached her up. Went to the chiropractor because I knew I was going to need an adjustment before I left. And I got the sweetest call from my daughter asking again if she could support me. And I'll tell you about that a little later.

[00:13:47] Came home and really started thinking, unpacking, I guess, everything that had happened that week. From it going from a really hard adulting week. From sitting down and looking at, okay, I'm tired and exhausted and worn out. Where has my power gone?

[00:14:18] Getting straight about some of the stuff that was living in my head that was the not enough, something's wrong. I'm not doing it well enough. Adding in what really happened. Some stuff happened. I dealt with it in a non-preferred way. It was unpleasant. And then throwing compassion and self-care on that.

[00:14:47] Which, ding, ding, led me back into action. Feeling this time empowered. Knocking things off my list. There were other things that as soon as I gave myself permission to recognize, like, oh, wow. This has been hard. I don't have to be ashamed of that. I don't have to say what I should have done or could have done. I don't have to deny it.

[00:15:17] There were other things I could put in place. I ate out. I ate out. Instead of being home and then raking myself over the coals because I have food but I didn't eat it. No. I was stressed out. I wanted comfort. And so I had a big old chicken club sandwich from Potbellies with some chicken pot pie soup. It was delicious. And I gave myself that permission.

[00:15:46] I didn't feel guilty about that. Oh, my gosh. That's $15. I can't believe it. No. Get the sandwich, girl. Take care of you. It's okay to take care of you. I got all my stuff done. My power had returned. I was well fed.

[00:16:09] And there are three things, tangible things, that came out of my work with my coach, being brave, being willing to say what was really there, and where I was giving my power away and why I felt so bad.

[00:16:31] There were three things that happened that would not have happened if I had put my head down and just kept going like I used to. The first thing is, while I was at the chiropractor, my big girl called me and said, Hey, Mom, I've just gotten a call. There's an opportunity for me to volunteer at my school where she's doing some volunteer stuff.

[00:16:59] And I wanted to know if you would rather me stay home. It was a beautiful thing that she asked me if that would be supportive for me. I'm so grateful for her. And here's another thing I'm grateful for. I said yes. I said yes, I would love it if you'd stay home.

[00:17:29] I really don't want to do this last bit of packing by myself. I really want to have somebody around. I'm grateful that I could say that and be vulnerable.

[00:17:46] I'm grateful that I could say that and not let it mean that I was weak or dependent or anything other than like I'm a human being and we all want to be connected. And I wanted to be connected. And she stayed home. And it's a good thing because I needed help picking out which purse I was going to take on the trip. You know, this one's a little too big. That one's a little too small.

[00:18:16] It was such a gift. And five years ago, that would not have happened. Five years ago, this is how this would have played out. I would have gotten overdone, overspent, and pissed off. I would have looked to blame everybody else because I was having some feelings that I didn't know what they were and I didn't want to deal with them. I would have lashed out that nobody ever helps me and nobody's ever around even though I always help everybody else.

[00:18:44] She would have looked at me and thought like, God, mom's crazy again and avoided me and there would have been more disconnection. That's what five years ago would have looked like. What a gift that my daughter and I can now communicate clearly when we are both willing to have support and when we need support. What a win.

[00:19:10] The second really tangible thing that happened out of all this is I actually did bump into a friend on Thursday. Thursday. And I know that they're in a stage of their life that's heavy, like a transitional stage, and you're getting ready for that next stage, but there's a lot of unknown. And you sort of get to that point where you feel tired. And then you take a break from doing anything and you turn around and you're like, oh my gosh. Yesterday I rested, but I could have done the laundry. I could have done the dishes.

[00:19:40] I really need to get this project done or get, you know, whatever. The diminishing and the shouldas and the couldas. And as I was getting curious about how his life was going, I got to share the work and the support through my coach that I had had with him. And he got to be supported by me.

[00:20:09] He got to feel heard and not alone. Our brains just do that whole, you should have done more. Our brains go to that guilty spot. Our brains don't go to that compassion spot as quickly. Sometimes we need an invitation from somebody else.

[00:20:35] So I got to give to him what had been given to me 24 hours before. The third tangible thing that happened is the client that I got to coach on Thursday afternoon. So let's just, let's recap the roller coaster.

[00:21:07] Monday, Tuesday, I had my head all in doing, doing, doing, doing. Just got to do this. Check this off. Let's get it done. You know, don't think, don't feel. Just do, do, do. Wednesday, I hit a wall. And I looked at some feelings and they were uncomfortable. And I was brave. And then I mustered up some compassion. Took me out of that dip in the roller coaster and sort of like back up a little bit.

[00:21:37] Thursday, another dip that morning with facing everything that had to be done before the travel came up. And then being in action while respecting the feelings I was having pumped up that power a little bit more. I felt beat up. I felt skint knees, right?

[00:22:02] And there's that fabulous quote about the man in the arena and the critics who were in the stands, the cheap seats. Because I had been the man in the arena, when my client showed up on Thursday,

[00:22:37] she was not making headway in something she had wanted to make headway in. And instead of sitting in the cheap seats, criticizing what she was doing, because I was in the arena with her, I could look right at her and say,

[00:23:08] okay, how hard do you want me to coach you right now? Because I'm not blowing smoke to her. I'm not telling her she should do something or should do that. I'm right beside her with my scuffed knee and my bruises and my busted lip saying, all right, girl, I see you.

[00:23:34] We going to live this arena style or we going to go sit up in the cheap seats? And she looked at me after a minute and she said, I want you to coach me hard. I'm like, all right, let's go. So tangible things happen when we do the thinking work. And that's why we do the thinking work.

[00:24:03] It's not because the thinking work is, you know, satisfying on its own. You can't do your thinking work and leave it in there. You got to do your thinking work and then see how it has changed your life. Put it into action. Share with people. Be vulnerable. Say to somebody, you know, I've been there too.

[00:24:32] Can you be graceful with yourself? Yeah, that's what I hope for all of us is that we can show up. We can get that scint knee. We can stand back up. We can trip over rock, bust a lip and get back up and be together. And be vulnerable and be courageous. Oh, and if you want some of that, just go on my website.

[00:25:02] Schedule a consultation. I'll be happy to talk to you about what spaces those exist in. There's no getting through this without support. Be it in your Sunday school class or your 12-step meeting or your group coaching or your CrossFit class. We do this together. All right, I'll see you on the flip side. Thanks for listening and I'll see you next time on Healthy AF.

[00:25:30] Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Healthy AF Podcast. I hope that it has helped you create a new possibility for your health and sets you into action to go get it. If you want more information or if you want to connect with me, visit my website at myhealthylife.coach. And don't forget to hit the subscribe button so that each new Healthy AF episode will be sent directly to you.

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