In this episode of Healthy AF, Amy dives into the heart of the holiday spirit by exploring the theme of personal responsibility and the pitfalls of trying to control the uncontrollable. She shares her personal journey of realizing how her attempts to manage others' feelings about the holidays were not only futile but also detracted from her own joy. Are you focusing on what's truly yours to control, or are you caught in the trap of trying to dictate others' emotions? Join Amy as she offers insights and strategies for navigating the holiday season with grace, focusing on what you can control—your actions and attitudes. Tune in to learn how to make your holidays merry by embracing authenticity and releasing the need to control the impossible.
Trying to get healthy and stay healthy is f-ing hard! Everybody struggles with some aspect of it, no matter what they look like or what they tell you. There is no magic formula - a healthy lifestyle is a choice we need to make daily. Join Amy as she supports, informs, and entertains you on your journey toward health.
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[00:00:02] What you want, when you want it, where you want it. This is The MESH.
[00:00:09] Hey, I'm Amy Chang. I'm a nationally board-certified health and wellness coach, and this is Healthy AF.
[00:00:16] In this podcast, I'll be bringing you all things health, from the newest health strategies to how to tackle those personal roadblocks that just will not let you move forward.
[00:00:27] So buckle in. We're going to be inspired and instructed, and dadgum, we're going to have a little fun on Healthy AF.
[00:00:36] Hey, everybody, and welcome to another episode of Healthy AF.
[00:00:39] You know, when I come into the recording studio, I just have to brag a minute on my producer, Moose, because we almost always have a chat that sets me right in a great mood for a podcast.
[00:00:50] And then before I go into like the little virtual room to record, and he goes into the virtual producing room, wherever he goes, I'm like, okay, love you, bye.
[00:01:00] He's like, I love you. And it's just such a nice, warm way to begin a podcast, and I'm grateful for it.
[00:01:08] I hope you have those people in your life that just randomly remind you how awesome sauce you are.
[00:01:14] Okay, so let's talk about December.
[00:01:17] Because you may or may not have those people in your life reminding you of how awesome sauce you are when you are visiting family for the holidays.
[00:01:25] I wanted to address a very common thing that I've lived through that I hear a lot of, particularly moms, but I think everybody does it.
[00:01:36] And I think it's relatable to everybody.
[00:01:38] I think it's a very common thing that I'm going to be taking responsibility for things that we actually can't control.
[00:01:43] Holiday edition.
[00:01:45] I realized on Thanksgiving that I was trying to take control of how my mom experienced the holiday.
[00:01:55] Let me break that down for you.
[00:01:58] My mom likes things a certain way when people are coming to the house,
[00:02:05] whether they are my kids or her neighbors,
[00:02:11] whether it was 50 years ago or last week.
[00:02:14] She feels most comfortable and has the most fun when things are a certain way.
[00:02:22] And when they're not that way, she can, like many of us, feel anxious.
[00:02:31] Well, I sort of tried to take that on as my challenge.
[00:02:36] I tried to control mom's anxiety.
[00:02:39] I tried to make sure that she didn't get anxious.
[00:02:44] And this is what that looked like in real life.
[00:02:47] What it looked like in real life is I tried to have everything exactly scheduled out,
[00:02:54] complete with a list of all the things that needed to be cooked,
[00:02:58] the table that needed to be set, all the cleaning that needed to be done,
[00:03:02] exactly what time it needed to be done,
[00:03:04] and have the alarms on my phone so that I knew exactly when those things would happen.
[00:03:10] And I was alerted as to when they were going to happen.
[00:03:14] Now, actually, it was a very well-planned day.
[00:03:17] I will say that.
[00:03:21] But I didn't do any of that
[00:03:26] because I wanted to contribute to our household
[00:03:30] or I wanted to understand the flow of the day
[00:03:33] so that I didn't get behind and I didn't feel rushed.
[00:03:40] I did all of that to make sure someone else's emotions
[00:03:46] stayed in a zone where I was comfortable.
[00:03:53] Yeah.
[00:03:54] Now are you beginning to hear the crazy?
[00:03:57] Are you beginning to relate?
[00:04:01] Yeah.
[00:04:02] So most of my life, I have done some behaviors
[00:04:12] to manipulate other people's experiences of their life
[00:04:19] so that I didn't feel uncomfortable with their experiences.
[00:04:25] Now, it sounds real super crazy,
[00:04:27] and you may not be able to relate to that,
[00:04:29] but I beg to differ.
[00:04:32] I think that you probably can.
[00:04:34] Let's take the case that you have something to tell the children.
[00:04:39] You've promised them to go to a movie,
[00:04:42] and the movie theater is closed
[00:04:46] because the projectory thing,
[00:04:50] I know they don't use projectors anymore,
[00:04:52] but the projectory thing is not working.
[00:04:55] Do you dread telling them?
[00:05:00] Do you try to soften it up and maybe say like,
[00:05:04] well, we can't go, but we're going to go get ice cream
[00:05:08] because you actually don't want them to have that temper tantrum
[00:05:12] because that temper tantrum really harshes your vibe.
[00:05:17] Yeah, that's totally what I did.
[00:05:19] I'm going to placate.
[00:05:22] I'm going to make happy.
[00:05:24] I'm going to like protect, bubble wrap the people around me
[00:05:29] so that their emotions aren't awry
[00:05:32] because when other people's emotions are awry,
[00:05:36] I don't even know what to do with myself.
[00:05:38] I'm so uncomfortable.
[00:05:42] Yeah.
[00:05:43] So the holidays brings a lot of that up.
[00:05:46] You know, we have a lot of people coming into the house.
[00:05:50] We might be going to their house.
[00:05:53] And like from the tiniest little things,
[00:05:56] like I went to visit a friend last weekend, actually,
[00:06:02] and it's,
[00:06:04] should I poop in this bathroom that's downstairs
[00:06:07] right beside the kitchen?
[00:06:08] Or should I go upstairs to that guest bathroom?
[00:06:12] Or, you know, like I don't want to inconvenience anybody.
[00:06:16] I don't want to be in the way.
[00:06:18] I want everybody to be happy.
[00:06:22] You know, and how do I change my behaviors
[00:06:26] and what I need with that motive?
[00:06:29] So let's look at many of my friends,
[00:06:32] and I'm not really included in this
[00:06:35] because I have a unique situation with my holidays.
[00:06:38] But many of my friends who do have college age kids
[00:06:43] have their kids coming home for the week,
[00:06:45] coming home for the holidays,
[00:06:47] and coming home for Christmas.
[00:06:50] So let's see if you can relate to this.
[00:06:53] Your kids are coming home.
[00:06:57] Change it to relatives coming in town if you need to.
[00:07:01] You are busting your hump all week
[00:07:06] to get the house clean,
[00:07:08] to get the sheets changed and put on the bed proper,
[00:07:11] to get all the dog hair up,
[00:07:13] to go to the groceries
[00:07:15] and find all the things that they like.
[00:07:18] That one food that you can only get at the Harris Teeter,
[00:07:22] go get all the rest of them at the food line.
[00:07:24] You're looking for all the recipes
[00:07:26] that are the favorites,
[00:07:27] you know, including the cakes from your grandma
[00:07:29] and Aunt Sandy's fried chicken
[00:07:31] and all that stuff.
[00:07:33] And you're hoofing around
[00:07:34] trying to get everything just perfect.
[00:07:36] This one likes the Starbucks caramel creamer,
[00:07:40] but this one needs the oat milk creamer.
[00:07:42] Trying to get all that just straight.
[00:07:45] Trying to make sure that the presents are wrapped.
[00:07:48] The tree is decorated beautifully.
[00:07:51] Everything is outside cleaned up.
[00:07:53] Leaves are picked up.
[00:07:55] Right?
[00:07:55] All this scurrying around.
[00:07:58] Now, this is where we start shredding hairs.
[00:08:02] Okay?
[00:08:06] The doing,
[00:08:07] the preparing
[00:08:09] of all that
[00:08:12] so that that guest can arrive
[00:08:14] and feel welcome
[00:08:16] and have a really nice, clean place to stay
[00:08:20] where they feel comfortable.
[00:08:23] To have food prepared for them
[00:08:26] that communicates
[00:08:28] the amount of love
[00:08:30] with which it was prepared.
[00:08:35] like that is such a gift.
[00:08:37] And that's so beautiful.
[00:08:41] And when we have the motive
[00:08:47] of preparing
[00:08:50] this act of love
[00:08:53] and service
[00:08:54] to other human beings
[00:08:57] called our children
[00:08:58] or our in-laws
[00:08:59] or our mama and daddy,
[00:09:03] that's a really beautiful,
[00:09:07] authentic way
[00:09:08] of communicating.
[00:09:12] I want to paint a different picture.
[00:09:14] That is not how I lived
[00:09:15] most of my life.
[00:09:18] This picture,
[00:09:21] same doing.
[00:09:23] Same going to the food line,
[00:09:25] hitting the Harris Teeter,
[00:09:26] grabbing up all the recipes,
[00:09:30] doing all the cooking,
[00:09:31] doing all the sheet changing,
[00:09:32] all the swiffering,
[00:09:34] all the vacuuming,
[00:09:35] all the dusting,
[00:09:36] all the rearranging,
[00:09:37] organizing,
[00:09:38] and wrapping,
[00:09:38] and buying,
[00:09:39] and Christmas ornaments.
[00:09:41] All the yard work.
[00:09:44] It's doing all that.
[00:09:47] But it actually is to make sure
[00:09:50] that those people
[00:09:52] who are coming to your home
[00:09:55] don't complain,
[00:09:58] are nice to you,
[00:10:02] think you're good,
[00:10:07] value you,
[00:10:10] like you.
[00:10:15] That is exhausting.
[00:10:20] And that is how I lived.
[00:10:23] And I know some of you
[00:10:25] living,
[00:10:26] listening to this podcast right now
[00:10:28] can relate
[00:10:30] to the motive
[00:10:32] for all of that
[00:10:36] being,
[00:10:37] I want to make sure
[00:10:39] that those people are happy
[00:10:42] because I want to make sure
[00:10:44] that I'm light
[00:10:45] because I want to make sure
[00:10:47] that I don't get left behind.
[00:10:50] Or I want to have worth.
[00:10:54] When we get there,
[00:10:58] when we slow down long enough,
[00:11:03] why am I going to the Harris Teeter
[00:11:05] to get that oat milk creamer?
[00:11:10] When we really look
[00:11:14] and we get straight on our motives,
[00:11:18] if it's an act of service and love,
[00:11:22] great.
[00:11:23] If it's a,
[00:11:25] I'm avoiding somebody
[00:11:27] being uncomfortable,
[00:11:28] pissed off,
[00:11:29] angry,
[00:11:30] complaining about something,
[00:11:31] criticizing me,
[00:11:32] possibly not liking me,
[00:11:37] it's just a manipulation.
[00:11:40] And it's not going to feel good.
[00:11:42] And the worst is
[00:11:44] it doesn't work.
[00:11:48] When we live
[00:11:49] inside manipulation,
[00:11:50] it is
[00:11:52] exhausting.
[00:11:55] And the very thing
[00:11:57] that we want
[00:11:59] for people to like us
[00:12:01] or for people
[00:12:02] to be around us
[00:12:03] or not leave us
[00:12:04] or be connected
[00:12:05] or have belonging
[00:12:07] is 100% blocked
[00:12:11] by the motive
[00:12:12] of
[00:12:12] manipulation.
[00:12:17] Now,
[00:12:17] sometimes when I work
[00:12:18] with people,
[00:12:19] when I use that word
[00:12:19] manipulate,
[00:12:21] we get all kinds
[00:12:23] of butthurt.
[00:12:25] I know.
[00:12:26] It took me a while too.
[00:12:27] When I first started
[00:12:29] on my personal
[00:12:30] professional journey,
[00:12:34] if someone
[00:12:35] described to me
[00:12:36] that I was
[00:12:37] manipulating
[00:12:38] a situation
[00:12:39] or a person,
[00:12:41] I was really
[00:12:42] offended.
[00:12:43] No,
[00:12:44] I would never do that.
[00:12:45] I'm a good person.
[00:12:46] Well,
[00:12:47] you do that.
[00:12:48] You do it.
[00:12:49] I do it.
[00:12:51] Everybody does it.
[00:12:52] And we've been doing it
[00:12:53] since we were infants.
[00:12:55] So,
[00:12:56] I want you to listen
[00:12:58] and just,
[00:12:59] you don't have to get married
[00:13:01] to this idea
[00:13:01] but just contemplate.
[00:13:05] We all know babies,
[00:13:07] right?
[00:13:07] If you've ever
[00:13:08] been around a baby,
[00:13:10] you know
[00:13:11] how fast
[00:13:12] they learn.
[00:13:14] I mean,
[00:13:15] they may knock
[00:13:16] their spoon
[00:13:17] off their high chair
[00:13:18] and have mommy
[00:13:20] pick it up
[00:13:20] one time
[00:13:21] by accident.
[00:13:23] Every other time
[00:13:24] is just like,
[00:13:25] oh my god,
[00:13:25] that's so cool.
[00:13:26] Look.
[00:13:27] Hey,
[00:13:27] watch this.
[00:13:28] I drop the spoon.
[00:13:29] She picks it up.
[00:13:30] It's awesome.
[00:13:33] We know
[00:13:34] that they do that
[00:13:35] and actually
[00:13:36] by the time
[00:13:36] they've done it
[00:13:37] 15 times
[00:13:38] because they are
[00:13:38] so entertained,
[00:13:40] that spoon
[00:13:40] does not go back
[00:13:41] on that high chair,
[00:13:42] right?
[00:13:42] We change
[00:13:43] our behavior.
[00:13:45] It's no different
[00:13:46] than when a baby's
[00:13:47] hungry.
[00:13:48] A baby's hungry
[00:13:49] and they cry
[00:13:50] because physiologically
[00:13:51] they're hungry
[00:13:52] and their body
[00:13:53] is telling them,
[00:13:54] hey,
[00:13:54] I'm hungry.
[00:13:54] It's uncomfortable
[00:13:55] and I don't like it.
[00:13:57] But then at some point
[00:13:58] they learn,
[00:13:59] oh,
[00:13:59] if I cry a little bit
[00:14:00] then mom will come
[00:14:01] feed me.
[00:14:02] And it doesn't have
[00:14:03] to be out of hunger.
[00:14:04] It might be
[00:14:05] they just want to snuggle.
[00:14:07] Same thing,
[00:14:08] have you ever watched
[00:14:08] a toddler
[00:14:09] throw in an
[00:14:10] absolute fit
[00:14:11] complete with like
[00:14:12] on the ground,
[00:14:14] legs kicking,
[00:14:14] horrible,
[00:14:15] you'd think that
[00:14:16] their spleen
[00:14:16] was being ripped out?
[00:14:18] Only to like
[00:14:19] stop the minute
[00:14:21] grandma walks in
[00:14:23] or I don't know.
[00:14:25] Any little thing
[00:14:27] distracts them
[00:14:28] from the
[00:14:28] temper tantrum
[00:14:30] they're throwing.
[00:14:31] They're doing
[00:14:32] that
[00:14:34] exaggerated
[00:14:35] response
[00:14:36] because they
[00:14:37] want something.
[00:14:39] They're not
[00:14:39] bad people,
[00:14:40] man.
[00:14:40] Toddlers are
[00:14:41] not bad people.
[00:14:42] They're smart
[00:14:43] as stink
[00:14:45] and they're
[00:14:46] learning to get
[00:14:46] what they want.
[00:14:49] I learned
[00:14:50] very early on
[00:14:52] keep the peace,
[00:14:55] comfort people,
[00:14:57] make people
[00:14:58] happy,
[00:14:59] be good
[00:15:00] and I learned
[00:15:03] how to manipulate
[00:15:03] people like that.
[00:15:05] I mean,
[00:15:06] my God,
[00:15:06] I'm a nurse
[00:15:07] for Pete's sake.
[00:15:08] I can comfort you
[00:15:09] and it's a good thing
[00:15:10] when it's coming
[00:15:11] from service.
[00:15:13] It's not a good
[00:15:14] thing when I'm
[00:15:15] just comforting
[00:15:15] you up
[00:15:16] because I'm
[00:15:17] tired.
[00:15:17] It's been
[00:15:18] like 11 hours
[00:15:19] and 55 minutes
[00:15:20] into a 12-hour shift
[00:15:21] and I really
[00:15:22] just need you
[00:15:22] to stop
[00:15:23] hitting that call
[00:15:23] bell so I'm
[00:15:24] going to fluff
[00:15:24] them pillows
[00:15:25] for you,
[00:15:25] buddy,
[00:15:26] but then I'm
[00:15:26] getting the
[00:15:27] heck out of
[00:15:27] here.
[00:15:28] You see that
[00:15:29] difference?
[00:15:30] I'm going to
[00:15:31] fluff the pillows
[00:15:31] because I'm
[00:15:32] serving you
[00:15:32] versus like,
[00:15:33] dude,
[00:15:33] I just need
[00:15:33] you to be
[00:15:34] like,
[00:15:34] I'm going
[00:15:34] to be real
[00:15:35] sweet to you
[00:15:35] for about
[00:15:36] the next
[00:15:36] two minutes
[00:15:36] because this
[00:15:37] girl has
[00:15:38] got to go
[00:15:38] to the potty.
[00:15:40] Right?
[00:15:40] It's different.
[00:15:43] So I'm
[00:15:44] going to
[00:15:44] leave you
[00:15:44] with this
[00:15:44] coaching
[00:15:45] question.
[00:15:55] Who are
[00:15:57] you trying
[00:15:57] to control?
[00:16:00] What are
[00:16:02] you hustling
[00:16:03] and grinding
[00:16:04] about trying
[00:16:06] to control
[00:16:06] them with?
[00:16:09] And how can
[00:16:10] you do
[00:16:10] something different?
[00:16:11] Who are
[00:16:12] you trying
[00:16:13] to control?
[00:16:13] I can tell
[00:16:14] you for me,
[00:16:15] I will need
[00:16:16] to journal
[00:16:17] about trying
[00:16:19] to control
[00:16:19] slash not
[00:16:21] trying to
[00:16:21] control my
[00:16:22] children's
[00:16:22] experience of
[00:16:24] the holiday,
[00:16:24] my mama's
[00:16:26] experience of
[00:16:27] the holiday?
[00:16:29] And what
[00:16:30] are you
[00:16:30] doing to
[00:16:31] try to
[00:16:31] control
[00:16:31] that?
[00:16:33] Am I
[00:16:34] stepping
[00:16:34] over
[00:16:38] disrespectful
[00:16:38] responses?
[00:16:41] Am I
[00:16:42] letting
[00:16:42] things go
[00:16:43] that normally
[00:16:43] I wouldn't?
[00:16:46] Am I
[00:16:47] not taking
[00:16:47] care of
[00:16:48] myself
[00:16:48] in order
[00:16:50] to
[00:16:53] create
[00:16:54] someone
[00:16:55] else's
[00:16:56] experience
[00:16:57] so that
[00:16:57] I don't
[00:16:58] have to
[00:16:58] deal
[00:16:58] with
[00:16:59] any
[00:17:02] uncomfortableness
[00:17:02] that I
[00:17:03] don't want
[00:17:03] to deal
[00:17:04] with?
[00:17:06] And what
[00:17:06] can I do
[00:17:07] different?
[00:17:08] The what
[00:17:08] can I do
[00:17:09] different,
[00:17:09] I'm going
[00:17:10] to give
[00:17:10] you a
[00:17:10] solid
[00:17:11] answer
[00:17:11] for that.
[00:17:13] Stop.
[00:17:19] Stop.
[00:17:21] Just stop
[00:17:21] what you're
[00:17:22] doing.
[00:17:23] The hustling
[00:17:25] and the
[00:17:25] striving
[00:17:25] and the
[00:17:26] making it
[00:17:26] perfect
[00:17:27] and the
[00:17:29] worrying.
[00:17:31] Just stop
[00:17:32] it.
[00:17:34] Normally I
[00:17:34] would say
[00:17:35] pause,
[00:17:35] but I
[00:17:36] think sometimes
[00:17:37] when we're
[00:17:37] in the
[00:17:38] midst of
[00:17:38] it,
[00:17:38] just stop.
[00:17:39] Stop
[00:17:39] sighing.
[00:17:41] Hard
[00:17:42] stop.
[00:17:43] And just
[00:17:44] take a
[00:17:44] minute and
[00:17:44] reassess.
[00:17:45] Wait,
[00:17:46] why am I
[00:17:46] doing this?
[00:17:48] Am I
[00:17:48] doing this?
[00:17:49] Because I
[00:17:49] love these
[00:17:50] people and
[00:17:50] I just
[00:17:51] want them
[00:17:51] to have
[00:17:51] the best
[00:17:52] time ever
[00:17:52] and I'm
[00:17:52] going to
[00:17:54] serve
[00:17:54] them.
[00:17:55] Am I
[00:17:55] doing this
[00:17:55] in service?
[00:17:56] Or am I
[00:17:57] doing this
[00:17:57] because like,
[00:17:58] man,
[00:17:58] I'm just
[00:17:58] tired and
[00:17:58] I'm just
[00:17:59] trying to
[00:17:59] avoid the
[00:17:59] bullshit.
[00:18:02] Gosh,
[00:18:03] you deserve
[00:18:03] so much
[00:18:03] better in
[00:18:04] your life
[00:18:04] than living
[00:18:05] to avoid
[00:18:06] bullshit.
[00:18:10] Anyway,
[00:18:12] happiest,
[00:18:12] happiest of
[00:18:13] holidays.
[00:18:14] A little
[00:18:15] self-reflection
[00:18:15] is going to
[00:18:16] get you
[00:18:16] straight to
[00:18:17] a place
[00:18:18] where you
[00:18:18] can serve
[00:18:18] and love
[00:18:19] people and
[00:18:20] take care
[00:18:20] of yourself
[00:18:21] in the
[00:18:21] meantime.
[00:18:22] If any
[00:18:23] of this
[00:18:24] conversation
[00:18:24] is hitting
[00:18:25] a nerve
[00:18:25] from you and
[00:18:26] you need
[00:18:26] to talk
[00:18:26] it out,
[00:18:27] go ahead
[00:18:28] and grab
[00:18:29] yourself a
[00:18:29] consult with
[00:18:30] me.
[00:18:30] We'll talk
[00:18:30] it through
[00:18:31] and see
[00:18:31] if I can
[00:18:33] help you
[00:18:33] or if your
[00:18:34] next steps
[00:18:34] look something
[00:18:35] different.
[00:18:36] Give yourself
[00:18:37] some grace
[00:18:38] most of all.
[00:18:39] These are
[00:18:40] big changes
[00:18:41] and I'll see
[00:18:42] you next time
[00:18:42] on Healthy AF.
[00:18:43] Thank you so
[00:18:47] much for listening
[00:18:48] to this episode
[00:18:49] of the Healthy
[00:18:49] AF Podcast.
[00:18:50] I hope
[00:18:51] that it
[00:18:51] has helped
[00:18:52] you create
[00:18:52] a new
[00:18:53] possibility
[00:18:53] for your
[00:18:54] health
[00:18:54] and sets
[00:18:55] you into
[00:18:56] action
[00:18:56] to go
[00:18:57] get it.
[00:18:58] If you
[00:18:58] want more
[00:18:59] information
[00:18:59] or if you
[00:19:00] want to
[00:19:00] connect with
[00:19:01] me,
[00:19:01] visit my
[00:19:02] website
[00:19:02] at
[00:19:03] myhealthy
[00:19:04] life.coach
[00:19:05] and don't
[00:19:06] forget to
[00:19:07] hit the
[00:19:08] subscribe
[00:19:08] button so
[00:19:09] that each
[00:19:09] new Healthy
[00:19:10] AF episode
[00:19:11] will be sent
[00:19:11] directly to
[00:19:12] you.
[00:19:13] Let's take
[00:19:14] you from
[00:19:15] where you
[00:19:15] are to
[00:19:16] where you
[00:19:16] want to
[00:19:17] go.
[00:19:25] You've been
[00:19:26] listening to
[00:19:27] The Mesh,
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[00:19:35] All programs
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[00:19:41] Check us out
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[00:19:47] feedback on
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