Episode 218: March Madness Begins, Witch Cats, & The Zoomers’ Drinking Captain

[00:00:08] Hey everybody, it's me, Kathleen Madigan. Welcome to Madigan's Pubcast. You grab yourself a drink, pull up a bar stool, and let's talk about what's been going on.

[00:00:29] Poor Stevie. This is what's going on with the old people. Billy Joel tried to be cool and flick his mic stand, and I do not even know what that was, but he fell backwards, he's hurt himself. I'm like, old people just sit down at the piano. You're the piano man, sit at the piano. But now Stevie's dates have been canceled because she was going with him. Oh.

[00:00:51] I know. And then there's these old people just learn from Barry Manilow. Do your show, keep it tight. And Barry does costume changes, but he's not jumping around. He's not hopping around. Why did you not like that Sweetwater 420? Why'd you just make that face? It's old. It's old? It's got a- Well, I don't drink them that often. I like them as a treat beer. Yeah. They can be in there a while. I'm going to get you some new ones. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:01:19] All right. That's a wonderful beer, a Southern beer. Let's try that again. It's called 420. Yeah. Wow. What are you drinking? I'm drinking many things. I am drinking my Lake Life beer that was brought to me. It's from Lake Oconee. Brewers Brewing. This is from Termite Jennifer. I've been to Lake Oconee. It's in Jacksonville. Had you?

[00:01:44] I had a charity gig there at the Ritz-Carlton. I don't want to brag. No, it was for Cystic Fibrosis. We did, me and Lewis did, and then we played all the golf courses. That was part of the whole Cystic Fibrosis weekend. It's a delicious Lake beer, and I really love the can. It's fun. Yeah. And I liked Lake Oconee. I'd never been there. No, had no idea. And now that we all know Lake Lanier's haunted, it's probably better go to Lake Oconee, where there's not going to be a

[00:02:13] town full of angry dead people that are going to yank you down, and you're never coming back up. True that. Yeah. Especially white people. Just saying. Yep, we did something bad. And the ghosts are coming up at Lake Oconee. What are we... Well, hold on. What else are you drinking? Well, I'm drinking a Bloody Mary with the Charleston Spicy Mix. It's one of my favorites, and I was going to go buy it, but I didn't have to because Melanie and Pauline brought it for me. Nice!

[00:02:41] Yes, a little treat, that backstage treat. What are we going to try? Well, my friend Nicole dropped off on my doorstep, and I was thinking about going. The Krispy Kreme St. Patrick's Day Donut Collection. Yes, I will be truthful. I already tasted the Boston Kreme one, and then this is... I love Krispy Kreme. When the hot light's on, forget it. Wait, are they green inside? Mm-hmm. Oh! It's a glazed donut. Yeah. It's great, but it's a fun little package. Nice.

[00:03:11] Very well done. Yeah. And it's nice that Krispy Kreme went out of the way. To dye their donuts. To dye their donuts. That's actually really good. I should have eaten one of those earlier because St. Patrick's Day was a little fun, a little too much fun maybe. Oh. What'd you do? Well, first I just went to a barbecue place to eat, like a normal person. In Nashville, yeah. Mm-hmm.

[00:03:40] And then I met friends at McNamara's, which is a really good Irish pub, but it's not downtown, so if tourists, you're probably never going to get there, but it's out by my house. And it was packed, and it's a beautiful day. But these guys, these guys had all these hats. I forget what the hat said. It doesn't even matter, but they had shamrocks. It looked like it was growing out of their hat. But they're clip-ons. You can buy them on animals, and you can buy any flower you want, they said. They knew a lot about it.

[00:04:06] It was kind of crazy. It was funny, though. It made me laugh really hard. And there was a great Irish band there. I don't even know what their names were. I saw the name on their Venmo thing, and I Venmo'd it with Tip. I guess I could look that up, but... I'll help you. You probably don't even remember doing it. Yeah, no, I wasn't drunk drunk. I just don't... What'd you have? Guinness. Nice. Yeah, just a bunch of Guinness. Yeah. And it, you know, over... You never get drunk drunk on Guinness. That's why I like it, though. It's just an even-keeled, pleasant... One time in Ireland, Patrick, my brother Patrick came with me to the comedy festival,

[00:04:37] and we added it up when we finally... Because I had the whole day off. I didn't have to do a show. And we just drank all through Kilkenny, and we added it up when we got home. We shared the room. We each had a gallon and a half of Guinness. We did it by pints. Yeah, but it was an all-day thing. It wasn't like we just sat down and... Oh, wait, I have to tell you about that, too, about Charleston.

[00:05:02] This thing the children are doing is very dangerous. How about some Old Bay fried peanuts from Jaja? Nice. Oh, wow. Nice. Yeah. Cool. Wow. Termite Mary Jo. These are going straight in my golf bag. It's always fun to find a treat that doesn't go bad in your golf bag. Yeah. Yep. Really good. A-plus on the donuts, A-plus on the peanuts, two more things, and we're moving on.

[00:05:32] This is... I've never heard of these. Charleston Traditional Cheese Straws. Because I was in Macon and Charleston this weekend. I had so much fun. I love both cities. Yeah. Yeah. Mmm. I like it. Yeah. A-plus. Nice. Yeah. Lots of A-pluses. Yeah. Winner. Cool. It tastes like a... Cheese? Kind of like a Cheez-It maybe. A straw? Yeah. Yeah. If a Cheez-It was a little more straw-y. Very literal. Yeah.

[00:06:02] Exactly what it is. Last thing. Oh. We're trying. My hands. That's really good. Old Florida Ranch Gourmet Tortilla Chips. Gourmet. What? Nice. What? These are from Bob and Mary. Mary, why do I have Florida though? Oh, they came to the show. Yeah. Oh. Nice. That's fancy. Yeah. Old Florida. I have one.

[00:06:31] Where is this from? They came from Tampa. Oh, it's from Palm City, Florida. Well, these people came from Tampa? Mm-hmm. Jesus. To Charleston. To Charleston? Yeah. Charleston's a great destination city. It's fun. Like, if you want to go see your favorite comedian or band, if you can... I will vote. Go online and find a city that you also want to have fun in. Yeah. And it's just a great weekend. Perfect. I was looking up maybe to see Cindy Lauper one more time and she's going to Milwaukee and I love Milwaukee.

[00:07:01] Yeah, that's where I'm taping on my sweatshirt. Yeah. And I think it's part of Summerfest. I can't really tell. Anyway, moving on. Okay. Nobody needs to see it. Here's... So, by the way, Aaron Weber was the opening act this past weekend. If anybody... People were asking. They're all asking. I know. He's very, very funny. He's going to surpass me at some point. Like, I mean, I just... He won't even be able to open for me. I can snag him for a few dates and he was great. But in Charleston...

[00:07:30] So, it was St. Patrick's Day celebration downtown Charleston. Probably not the best day for me to have two shows down there because my people, I'm sure, would be like, oh, fuck. You know, you got it. But they did it. They made it. Both shows all filled up. All filled up. But I saw these... I call them the children. They were probably 21. They all look like my nieces, Claire and Emily. And they were carrying around jugs, like a milk jug, full of alcohol. What? Yes. Or some liquid. But they all looked kind of drunk either.

[00:07:59] And because I was like, what are you doing? You can't go in a bar with that. Right. What is... Well, bizarrely enough, I just stumbled upon this. Yep. And then I thought maybe it's just a Charleston thing. But why are these kids carrying around gallons? And then what are you going to do? Leave your gallon outside? Go in the bar? Are you just never going in a bar? Are you just going to wander around downtown Charleston? Drunk. Drunk. I guess. Go sit by the bay and...

[00:08:25] Well, dozens of jugs of booze seized ahead of South Boston St. Patrick's Day Parade. It's a TikTok trend. What? Yeah. They're called Borgs. Blackout rage gallons where college-age students bin drink gallon jugs of alcohol, electrolytes, flavoring, and water. Wow. This is so fucked up. Like, children, children, get a grip. You don't... What are you doing?

[00:08:53] We don't have to drink all the alcohol at one time. No. I mean, goddamn, I'm your biggest supporter. You go drink. That's fine. But not like this. You could die. You could die. Yeah. I'm sure some will. Mm-hmm. It's been trending on TikTok. They combine water alcohol. When I order that... They contain a fifth of alcohol, which is approximately 17 standard one-point ounces of hard liquor. Oh, my God. Right. Oh, my God. And these girls weigh like 100 pounds.

[00:09:23] They're, you know, they all look like Southern Charleston blonde girls. They're great. All had hats that say kiss me. And I'm like, you better put that jug down, youngsters. Like, that is just crazy. Yeah. And then they have, if you're going to make a board, please consider the following strategies. Don't add any alcohol. No one will know. Here's the other thing. Really? Am I going to carry a gallon of Gatorade around and drink it? And then where am I going to the bathroom? Right. Where's all this? Where's the women's restroom? Yep.

[00:09:53] Nowhere. Because you can't go into a bar with your stupid gallon. Damn. So, Tess, I think the children need a drinking liter. And I would be totally available. And I would have, I would enlist Ron White. And he doesn't even drink anymore. But he would tell them what to do and what not to do. And how to make this experience a lot more pleasant for yourselves. Consume it at a slower pace and extend drinking over a long period of time. Whoever writes these things doesn't know what drinkers are doing. Right. Avoid mixing it with caffeine or anything. Are you kidding?

[00:10:22] That's all they ever want is a Red Bull. Give me a fifth of vodka and all your Red Bull. Thank you. Make your own drink, but use a smaller container. You could get the baby milk jugs that I buy in Ireland. The tiny, tiny, the tiniest of all jugs. Those are great. Never leave your Borg unattended. Keep the cap on and avoid sharing with others. Unattended Borg. I, they let them do it in Charleston. Wow. There were kids everywhere. It was very, very noticeable. Like, what the hell are these girls? And I'm mostly girls.

[00:10:53] Yeah. Uh-oh. Yeah. I didn't see any guys with them. I'm not saying there wasn't. Right. But I didn't see them. Macon was a blast. I had the best barbecue beans of my life. If you're ever in Macon, it was called Cashman's. It's an Irish pub down there. And she called them cowboy baked beans. And I looked it up. But what I had wasn't that. But it's close. It's like they, it's the South. When you say, you know, what's in the baked beans? Oh, there's pig, schnout, alligator, tail.

[00:11:23] Like, they just fucking throw everything in there. But it was like bacon, green onion, something a little spicy. Peppers. The best, best baked beans I've ever had in my life. Yeah. Just the best. You told me you had some yesterday. No? Well, I had baked beans yesterday at Edly's. Edly's is a big deal in Nashville. Their barbecues really, their sides are the best. Nice. I vote not just on the barbecue, but you have to vote on the sides. Oh. I like barbecue-ty too, though. Barbecue-ty too. Yeah. And downtown, Rippey's is always good.

[00:11:52] But there's just a lot of good barbecue. They do do, that's the one thing. Like. You really like wits. I like wits a ton. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. And I met the guy who has a lot to do with it. He's extremely nice. He owns it. Here's a little, this is a little, he does own it. I was trying to be. A little bit of it. But he doesn't even say it like that. He's like, I work, I work at wits. Like, he just makes it sound like he could be in the drive-thru. I'm like, oh my God, dude.

[00:12:21] And the, anyway, long surgery. But here's a little advice from Aunt Kat. Okay. Now that summertime is coming upon us, I'm going to do a TikTok series of advice from Aunt Kat. Good. Because you know what? I'm boarding the plane. It's going to Atlanta and then Charleston. That was my route. On Delta Schmelta. Okay. And because it's warm out now, kind of, I'm seeing the flip-flops on the people. Yeah.

[00:12:49] And it's not about, a lot of people complain and I don't like looking at other people's feet. I don't care about your feet either, which way I don't really care. I don't like feet. There was a comedian, Bill Bellamy, who used to have a funny, funny, funny joke about how white people love their flip-flops. And then he would do an impression of them at the security gate at TSA, hopping out of their flip-flops and then hopping right back in their flip-flops. People, people, if you listen to one thing I've ever offered up is travel advice. Wear shoes you can run in. Wear shoes that will not burn your feet.

[00:13:19] I don't know if you, did you see the people on the American Airlines flight that had to, they landed, the plane, the engine caught on fire. They had to crawl out. They had to walk out the wing. That shit is hot. You need to be able to jump. I see the flip-flops or high heels. I'm like, you have zero intention of anything bad going on, which is good. You're an optimist. But if it does, I'm going to smoke your ass and I'm in my little Brooks tennis shoes for old people and I'm going to be out of that airport before anybody knew what happened.

[00:13:48] And the rest of you are going to be standing there either barefooted, burning your feet to death. It's just such a bad idea. And lately we've had a lot of problems with airplanes. Like the odds of shit going wrong keep seeming to go up. That's my advice. That's all. I have a new, I have a new desktop toy too. This came from termites, Debbie and Sean. That's real creepy. It's a confessional. Ready?

[00:14:21] Tell me your sins. Also, you may notice behind me we have a new king because paddles insisted. It's Post Malone. I have nothing against Post. I like Post. But I don't know if I'd have made him a king. But it was your birthday. Thank you. There you go. Yay! There he is. I don't have any updates on him except I might go see him in the Ozarks. He's so cute. Yeah. In the summertime. Maybe. Him and Jolly Roll are going out. That would be a great show. He's a very nice man. Yeah. He's around town all the time. Everybody's here.

[00:14:51] Ed Sheeran was on top of the bar at Tootsie's. Yeah. It's not my thing. No. But it would have been exciting to see. Tootsie's is. Ed's not. No, I like Tootsie's. Yeah. I like every floor of Tootsie's. All floors. All floors. Including a rooftop. I wish I was there right now. Me too. Yeah. It's too nice to be locked up. But whatever. I'm probably going to need a nap. The only other thing before I get to the king and queen news is this is another thing. If you're ever in Charleston, I had to stay out by the airport because downtown was too nuts.

[00:15:20] A regular old Marriott. Now we know why. A Marriott. Yeah. Now I know why. I didn't even think about. I think about St. Pat's Day on St. Pat's Day. I don't think about the Saturday before. Now I got to think about all that shit. And what cities are you going to book yourself in? Because I'd rather just go to a city that's not Irish. Like that doesn't care as much as. I mean, Charleston, Savannah. Oh my God. So Irish. Irish. Yeah. Maybe like a Phoenix or I don't know. Yeah. Albuquerque.

[00:15:48] You know, you got your regulars that don't care, but it's not like a thing that takes over the city. So I stayed out by the airport and I was starving and I Googled this place and it's called the Grit Counter. And there's two of them in Charleston. In my life. I love Southern food. I know it's not good for you. I get it. They got a thin job. Yeah. It's so good. All their food is good. But they had, you could get flights of grits. What? It, and I know a lot of people like, I didn't grow up with grits.

[00:16:17] That's not like a Missouri thing. They're around like at Waffle House or whatever. But then when you'd order them like at Waffle House, they're so plain and boring. I'm like, I don't get it. It was like slop out of a big soup can in World War II. I feel like somebody took a ladle and just went splat. Prison food. Yeah. It didn't really. Well, but once you go to the South, especially the deep South, the grits start getting better and better. And then they start doing crazy things. And there's like red rice grits. Those are the normal ones.

[00:16:45] I got pimento cheese grits in the flight. Jalapeno grits. Oh my God. Um, I just, if you're ever in Charleston, go to the Grit Counter. It's very unassuming. It's like right next to a Spring Hill Sweet. You would not think anything great is going on in there. It's great. And I do care about food. That's Lou's department. I'm not a foodie on the road. I just need enough chicken sandwich to get me in the next spot. I don't care. What'd you get besides grit? I got fried chicken. Oh. Went in the South. Yeah. Nice.

[00:17:14] It was a breakfast, kind of like brunchy deal. Cool. Yeah. It was packed. And it's not big. It would be great to go there like on a Monday or Tuesday when people have to work. And then you could just sit at the Grit Counter and taste all of them. Nice. Yeah. Then I ordered Gouda ones because those weren't my flight. I'm like, well, I need to taste those before I leave. So anyway, shout out to Charleston. Shout out.

[00:17:39] And so one of the guys that works at the gig at Charleston, this is how great my little fans are. So we did the story about the monkeys in South Carolina. And I was on Team Monkey rooting for the monkeys. Well, his friend found two in her backyard. What? Yeah. And she called the zoo. She was trying to be nice to like give them a better life. Yeah. It didn't work that way. The zoo called the cops. Right. But she made me. They had this shirt in South Carolina.

[00:18:06] It says, South Carolina, home of barbecue, beaches, and breakout monkeys. How funny is that? There was a whole group of people rooting for the monkeys. It wasn't just me. But then I think, I don't know. They may not know how to live in the outside. I wish they would have been captured and then be a pet for someone. There's enough crazy animal people, myself included, that would figure out how to make the monkey happy. You can't have a monkey. I don't want a monkey. No. I'm kind of scared of them, truthfully. Yeah.

[00:18:34] I'd rather have a serval in here. It's probably going to kill me anyway. But at least it's a cat. I know kind of what to do with a cat. Yeah. Except maybe some of you saw the picture of Kato, my quiet cat, on top of the roof. On your roof of your house. And I know cats go on roofs. Yeah. But they've never done it. And there's no easy way up there. And then what's freakish is I went, fuck. Like, and I went out there, and she was already back on the porch. What? All I did was walk around.

[00:19:05] I think she can fly. Shut up. I think she's a witch. I think she's a witch. But a good witch, not a bad witch. I now know she's possessed. And I told Baby Cat, mind your P's and Q's, that lady can fly. You don't even know what that cat's capable of. She's just showing us tiny bits of her capabilities. Flying cats. Flying cats. Alright. Where are we going? Before King and Queen news, here's where I'm going. I'm only going to do all the shows one more time. I will not bore you guys with this shit. But because the tickets went on sale, I'm going to do it one more time. Upcoming, Florida Collins.

[00:19:34] That's way sold out. Colorado Springs. I think there's some tickets left. That's this weekend. Virginia Beach. I'm not sure. Charlotte. That's the 29th. And then April 4th. New Orleans. April 5th. Pensacola. April 11th. Orlando. We'll be going to Gatorland. Yay! Get to see the bobcats. April 12th. St. Pete. Florida. Florida. And then April 18th and 19th. Napa. I can't wait. Fun! Two nights in one place. One city.

[00:20:04] And then after that? And then after that. Milwaukee. Oh, Milwaukee. For the taping the Amazon special. Two shows. We're releasing some more seats next week. We are going to release seats because they finally did all the camera blocking and then they know. And then I make it as much like a real show as possible. So don't think you're going to get stuck at some horrible slow TV taping. You're not. We have the same amount of time allotted for a regular show. Regular show. Whatever happens, happens. And very secret opener. Yep. Going to have a top secret opener. Yep.

[00:20:35] What a crazy turn of events. So here's the shows that are coming up. And that these are the ones that were announced. And tickets are on sale. Now, let me say this too. Because the on sale is always problematic. Because everybody gets mad. Yep. Yep. Now, the ticket fees, I agree, are ridiculous. As I buy them too. Yep. I just went on StubHub and bought tickets for the Preds Blues game tonight. And yeah, the fees, I can't.

[00:21:04] Unless I sell them, I don't know. You'd have to be like, who tried it? Was it Pearl Jam tried? Pearl Jam. They tried, like they can't, I don't. Garth tried. Garth tried? I think so. And it didn't work? No. No. Well, I'm certainly no Garth Brooks. And I'm no Pearl Jam. The fees are ridiculous. All I can say is we can all just write mean emails and try to get it down. I don't. No, but ticket prices are affordable. But that's why I keep my ticket prices affordable because I know what the fees are tacked on there. It's ridiculous.

[00:21:33] And then, yeah, whatever. But if you're going to go buy tickets, when you go to my website, the link on there is real. I'm not selling tickets on the website. I'm providing you with the official link. So you're not going to these bullshit scammer people. And yes, the fees are going to suck. But there's nothing unless everybody wants to revolt. I don't know. Y'all want to quit going to shows, period? Everybody? All of us? I don't like it either. Anyway. I'm going. August 2nd. Vegas.

[00:22:03] The Venetian. Yay! August 16th. The Cape Cod Melody Tent. Yay! See, my brother Joe and his wife Amy. And the kids. The kids who are now like 30. September 12th. Tara Hout, Indiana. September 13th. Elizabeth, Indiana. September 19th. Charleston, West Virginia. September 20th. Louisville. September 25th. Eugene. And then Portland. And then Seattle. And then St. Louis. October 17th and 18th.

[00:22:32] Atlantic City. And then Monterey. Santa Rosa. Denver. Ithaca. Peekskill. Waukee. Which I think is kind of Des Moines-y. I looked it up. Okay. Kansas City. And Ponte Vedra. Yay! I will finish in Ponte Vedra. Fun. All right. This. King and Queen news. Uh-huh. Dolly. Well, no, this is from a fan, so I'll do this one first. Everybody knows March Madness is coming up. Yep. If you're into it. Um, uh, that's where I really get sad.

[00:23:02] I miss my little friend Greg Gumbel. Yeah. But I'm going to do a little thing. It'll be on during the final four, I believe. Um, well, I'll tell a couple funny stories. But March Madness, here's the craziest thing ever. So, people go, I don't think you went to that school. You said, I went to University of Missouri-St. Louis for two years and Southern Illinois-Edwardsville for two years. People hear SIU and they think Carbondale. That's the fun one. They were the ones with the good Halloween. SIU, they had the good party. They had a great party. We used to go down and get drunk there. They have so much fun.

[00:23:33] SIUE, more of a commuter school. Not really fun. Like, I didn't even know we had teams. Well, I knew we were called the Cougars and I'd heard that Jimmy Connors played tennis there for a minute. I'm not even sure that's true. It's just what was going around campus. It was a wonderful school for what it was. You know, it's a commuter thing. You pay your tuition and go home and go to work. That's, it wasn't like, yeah, there's no frat houses there.

[00:24:01] Well, somehow, SIUE, and I'm going to prove to you, this is my SIUE Cougar trash can that I've had for three years when I saw it online. I'm like, yes, I'll take a SIU trash can. Wow. Yes. They have merch. It's a small school too. And they've made it into the whole tournament. Yeah. Now, sadly, the first team they play is Houston, who's number one. Oh, no.

[00:24:31] So the glory will be short-lived. But Termite JTS said, I heard your college was in the first 64 teams to make it. I was listening to the ESPN radio and they announced SIU was the first college to be invited to the tournament, which is astonishing. The two hosts were talking about, with each other about the college and surprised to fight out about the announcement. They joked about they'd never even heard of the place. No one has. Anybody that you've heard, it's the Carbondale and they're the Slukies. They're the ones that kind of get around.

[00:25:01] We don't. They'd never heard of it. One asked, who was the most famous alumni that attended? As it turned out, it wasn't a pro athlete scientist. It was you, Kathleen. I'm like, oh my God. One host didn't know who you were, but the other one Googled the answer of the most famous alumni. So congratulations to you. So thank you for sending that. That's nice to know that somebody gave a shit. Yeah. And the March Madness, I don't have my brackets done, but I do have all my Venmo paid up for

[00:25:31] my squares. Nice. Yeah. Because there's some really threatening emails going around about MFers that aren't paying. There's going to be no goddamn numbers drawn until the payment is received. And, and if it's not received by tomorrow, it's because the whole deal starts the day after that, you will be kicked out. There's a waiting line. Oh, it's not a joke. It's not for the light. The squares are 50 bucks. Oh, okay. Mm-hmm. That's decent. You get your same numbers the whole way through. Okay.

[00:26:01] Yeah. That's fine. I agree with that. I like it. Okay. But yeah, but the emails are very, very intense. I get it too. Like if Patrick's in charge of some things, people go, yeah, I'll pay. And then they just don't. And then you got to pay the people out. Like you got to crack a whip. I do. That happens a lot in our fantasy league. It happens a lot in fantasy football. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, King Queen news. Well, welcome to Post. Well, welcome to Post. I do love his outfit. It's wonderful. Isn't it? It's spectacular. Oh, hi, baby cat.

[00:26:31] Meow, meow. I thought you were boycotting. You're going outside. It's nice today. She doesn't like outside. She hates outside. She likes it once she gets out there. She just prefers not to try. Oh, okay. Yeah, once she's out there, she'll go off for a few hours and be a cat. But Jelly's got new tennis shoes that have launched. Oh, yeah. Chapel's putting dirty billboards all over the globe, including one in Springfield, Missouri. Boom. Talk about a mic drop. She's doing very dirty little things that are funny.

[00:27:01] Snoop, nothing. Tay-Tay just won every award you could ever win at the iHeart, including Tour of the Century. Century. And I can't even think of one that would come close. Yes. Everybody needs to give up. Well earned. Right. Stevie, nothing. Nothing except her shows got canceled because Moron tries to do a stage jump. I don't even know what he was attempting. If you go look at the video, it was that song. It's still rock and roll to me. It's not like you're singing Van Halen. I mean, yeah, stop.

[00:27:31] You're 75 years old. Don. I think he actually stopped. Well, when you fall over and then you can't get upright and there's people going over there. And then like Don Felder, it's all very sad. Like he kind of had a mini stroke on stage. I know Ann Wilson came out in a wheelchair because she fell down and broke her arm. She still sounds great. But I'm like, these old hippies, they're all in that old hippie group. They're not quitting. I mean, good for them if this is what you want to do. It's just now Stevie's got nowhere to go.

[00:28:00] There's some agent being yelled at, I guarantee you right now. Well, call a casino. What are you, stupid? I'm bored. I'm not going to sit here in the Palisades. Everything burned down except my angel house, my magic house. So ridiculous. That was ridiculous. Doesn't anybody want like a super famous opener? Call somebody. Call her. You can use her. Sure. Stevie, you want to go on the road? You can go with me. You can do merch.

[00:28:30] You want to sell merch? You want to do 20 minutes? Yeah. 30? Whatever. Yeah. I don't know if she's capable. But Dolly Shmali, this was, baby cat is chicken loafing. Your sister's a witch. Did you know that? She can fucking fly. Because people are like, oh, cats always get on roofs. I can't explain to you there's no easy way to do that.

[00:28:58] The only way possible is to climb one of the green giant trees and inside the tree and then jump from there up about. When you see the distance, it reminds me of the omen because I think she can fly like that. It's scary. I don't know. How'd she get down that fast? Maybe there's two cocktails. Don't you have a camera? I don't have a camera out back. Okay. I have a camera out front. Let's fix that. I'm too busy.

[00:29:29] I can't deal with these people at the house all the time. Hi, I'm here. Hi. Did you call for it? No. No. Anyway. Dolly Parton. So Carl just died. It's horrible. Terrible. Yeah. But you know what? You're going to use a little of that Smoky Mountain get up can do, will do spirit. And she went right down to Dollywood for the 40th anniversary. It's their 40th. It's their first public appearance since losing her husband of nearly 60 years, not quite two weeks ago.

[00:29:59] You can see the video online if you're interested. She kicks off every year. She shows up and then she rides in a Cadillac and waves to all the people. She's so cool. Yeah. And she talks to everybody. When we saw all the crowds coming in, I thought, oh, my goodness. It just does my heart good to see what Dollywood's done after 40 years. It just gets better and better. It does certainly be one of our most attended opening days because so many guests were here experiencing the opening of the 40th anniversary season. Yeah. They have special shows. It's because it's 40.

[00:30:29] Wait until it's 50. She can probably live 10 more years. She seems like a reasonably healthy rabbit. Yeah. Healthy rabbit. Yeah. So she went and did all that. She celebrated Carl. She talked about him a little bit. Said she was very, he would want me to be working today. She thanked everybody for their flowers, cards, and well wishes. Yeah. I'm sure it's weird. That would just be horrible. And that's all our King and Queen news. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:30:59] Dollywood's open, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to go. I liked it. I like it. I'm not a ride person anymore. No. No. But if you were, she has some great rides. Good rides. And there's good food. I like the moonshine place. Yeah. Yeah. It's fun. We should go out and see. Go out and see what? Her niece's moonshine place. Her niece's moonshine place. Mm-hmm. I don't know the name of it, but I would. All right. Moving on. It's Danielle Furtons. Cool. Before we get to updates, what are we watching?

[00:31:29] Well, 1923. It just keeps getting better and better and better. It's just phenomenal. Although I think Taylor Sheridan, there's a lot of sadistic stuff in it that really doesn't seem to have a point. The prostitute stuff's weird. The prostitute stuff's weird. And the, I don't even know what you call that, sadism. And this is where the weird, it's gratuitous. This isn't a part of a storyline, except the guy's mean. We know that. But we don't need to.

[00:31:56] He does that in some of his shows where you take it, sometimes Ryan Murphy too. You just take it too far. And you're like, what is that part of your little weird, twisted world that you feel the need to? Yeah. But aside from that, but HBO Max. Didn't you and your page? Yeah, me and my friend Kate. Well, we were talking about, she was texting me about 1923 saying, if these two idiots don't make it to Montana, like, because they can't, every time they get closer to Montana, something fucked up. I know. I'm like, I'm exhausted.

[00:32:26] By the time they get to Montana, the whole family's gonna be dead anyway. You're not gonna have a ranch. No. And you're just gonna be homeless. Just go back to Boston or where, she came from England. And it's kind of, it's a little ludicrous. But, I do love it. Then, HBO Max. Yeah. They dropped The Trial of Karen Reed. What? There's two episodes. I didn't know this. So far, there's gonna be two seasons. They released two on Monday night. Oh, yesterday. It, yeah.

[00:32:56] It is... Wonderful. If you're a true crime person, my friend Kelly McFarlane, very funny comedian, me and Kelly go over these things. And Kelly's following the Karen Reed thing because she's up that way anyway. So it's 24 hours in their face in Boston and stuff. Here's what I do know. I'm always astonished at how much these people drank in one night. When I first heard the story, by the way, she's the lady who either did or did not run

[00:33:24] over her boyfriend who happened to be a cop. Yeah. But he had been in a house where there was a house party. There's too many... I know for sure I would have to vote. I would have to vote not guilty because you haven't proven to me at all that this lady did it. Right. Not at all. You've left so much doubt. How... It's called A Body in the Snow. It's called A Body in the Snow. That's the first episode, I think. Oh. Yeah. Okay. It's called The Trial of Karen Reed. No. The Trial of Karen Reed. A Body in the Snow, The Trial of Karen Reed.

[00:33:54] Okay. Well, there you go. You guys will find it. HBO Max. It's in the show. So did she... But they... I drink. I have comedian friends that drink. We don't drink like this. They're like... When I first heard the story, I thought maybe they were like 25 years old. No, they're like 40-something. And they have a timeline. They're like, drink number eight. I'm like, what? She weighs like 90 pounds. It's all hard liquor. Yeah, hard liquor. Yeah. And then she's like...

[00:34:23] But she's so very forthcoming about it. You know? Well, we drink. That's what we do. You know? And then we're in our own little town. And we drive around. And they drive drunk everywhere. And it's like so normal to them that you just want to go... You know, other towns aren't doing this. Like, that kind of went away in the 60s. Like, wow. The 70s, maybe. Why don't you get struck driving? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're all shit-faced.

[00:34:51] I do think Karen's crazy. I mean, when you hear the text and the phone calls and... But no one can explain to me, if there is a dead body in my front yard and the cops come and an ambulance come, I'm going out there. Right. Why did the cops inside the house never care enough to go, oh, wait, there's a... And it's your friend, supposedly. Yeah. Why didn't you go out there?

[00:35:20] That is bizarre to me. And there's a million other things that are bizarre. If you're into this, there's a million podcasts. It's so good. I won't get stuck on it. But at the end of the day, no one has proved to me that Karen did it. No. I mean, as a juror, I'm going to go, it's your job to prove it. Right. And you've left a lot of reasonable doubt. Right. And then they're drunk and they're going home and taking naps and waking up drunk again

[00:35:48] and then calling people and driving again. And in a blizzard, by the way, a Boston blizzard. I mean, holy shit. Yeah. It's crazy. I couldn't go out drinking with these people. Because every time she says, did she order a drink, she's like, it was a double. I'm like, wow. Wow. Like, I think I've lost my mind if I order my fourth beer. Right. They are on, you drink eight and they're doubles. That is 16. I don't know how they're alive. Right. I don't know how they're walking, talking.

[00:36:17] I don't know. But it's a great show. You can decide for yourself. It's every Monday. Every Monday it comes out. Yeah. It's really something. Update. Moving on. We're moving on. The astronauts that have been stranded are coming home. They have sent, yeah, they're coming. Well, they're supposedly on their way. SpaceX crew Dragon got there. I think that's Elon's. Deal. Yep. Is that right? He's SpaceX, right? Of course it is. Of course it is. Or is that Bezos?

[00:36:48] Who's SpaceX? So they're coming home. We'll see. It's Elon's. Yeah. Okay. Well, credit where credit is due. He's going to get them. Sending someone. I wish he could go get them. Update. One of my favorite things that's allowed in America, but I don't think it should be allowed,

[00:37:15] is when our justice system allows crazy people to represent themselves and be their own attorney. Yes. Yes. Well, our newest one. Oh, no. I loved. Yeah, because it's like there was the subway shooter guy and he was his own lawyer and he's like, so did you see anyone on the subway? And the lady's like, yeah, you. You. You fucking shot me. You did that. You did that. Like, it's so crazy. I think it's an entire waste of time of the judicial system.

[00:37:44] That's why I would not allow it because we're wasting time, money. They don't know what they're doing. They don't know how to be a goddamn lawyer now, and that's going to waste time and money. However, but since we are allowing it, I do kind of enjoy it. But Lori Vallow Daybell has chosen to represent herself on the two new murder charges. Convicted murderer represented herself as a pro se defendant during her first court appearance in Arizona's Maricopa County on Friday.

[00:38:12] She charged with the murder of her ex-husband, Charles Vallow, and the attempted murder of her niece's ex-husband, Brandon Boudreau. She will stand trial for the murder of Charles Vallow, and a second trial will be held for the case involving the attempted murder of Mr. Boudreau. She's going to, I mean, if you want some court TV that's deliciousness, she's like, I'm going to put in a motion. No, you file a motion.

[00:38:38] There's like language involved that she doesn't, it's just seven days ago they approved her to be her own lawyer. Yeah, you can't, no, we're not doing that. There's some poor court reporter with a pistol in her mouth right now going, I can't, I can't, I can't do this shit. You can't let crazy people take control of the courtroom. No. That's what's happening. Yep. No, the answer's no. I just say flat no for everybody. What was the?

[00:39:07] Oh, the interview was on Dateline with her. She's crazy and she's mean. She's mean as shit. How are you mean? She didn't like Keith getting hit her grill. No. Are you going to do that look, Keith? Oh. No, she was an asshole. And he's like, what look do you mean? And I know, we all know where he goes, and he cocks his head. Are you going to make those weird noises, Keith, where you're judging me? What noises do you mean? Update on the Pope.

[00:39:37] It's a miracle. An 87-year-old severely has survived double pneumonia and he's out there, he's not out of the hospital yet. Oh no, I'm sorry. He's 88. He has double, it's an ongoing battle of double pneumonia. I really thought he wouldn't make it a week. I swear, I did not. I completely would have lost all my money on DraftKings on that. He has extended the work of the Synod of Bishops, a signature initiative of his 12-year

[00:40:05] papacy, which has discussed reforms such as the possibility of women serving the Catholic as Catholic deacons. We can't be. No. No. No. No. No. No. He's going to keep on working. So we'll see. I'm going to Italy. See if he's still, man, it'd be so crazy if they had a Pope off when I was there and then I could see the smoke coming out. God, as a Catholic, that's like, yeah.

[00:40:30] There's a friend of mine who is like an awesome tailor, clothesmaker person. And she said, I was thinking about maybe becoming Catholic. Like, and all that came out of my mouth was I went, oh God, you can't start now. There's so much. This is like snow skiing. You got to start as a child. You can't. No, you can't start when you're 40. There's not enough time. No. You won't even know half the shit that I know. And you're not, none of it. I don't even need to know half the shit I know.

[00:41:00] It was useless. I thought I was Catholic. Yeah. You thought that Canadian Catholic is at least out West. You went too far. Calgary's too far. It's the, you guys got weird. It's like the people that go to went too far West in this country. They're not really attached. You're busy. You're surviving. Settling. Settling. Surviving. There's bears. Yep. Bears. All kinds of evil shit out there. Giant wolves. Dire wolves. I don't know. Dire wolves. Shut up. Of course I know there's no.

[00:41:31] Update. This is unbelievable. Meghan Markle. Oh no. The Harkles. I know I can't stop. I can't stop. But it's not really that I can't stop. I don't go look this shit up. It's just in your face. It's a small obsession. It is a small obsession because I watched the movie about his great uncle, King George and Wallace Simpson. And my parents swore this is exactly what would happen. And my parents, shockingly again, are 100% right. Yeah. And he, the whole thing is going to fall apart like that.

[00:42:00] I know I've gone off on that before. Anyway, she's going to have a podcast now. And she stole the title of the podcast. What? Yeah. It's called Confessions of a Female Founder. First of all, there's already one called Confessions of a Female Founder. There's another one called Confessions of a Founder. And then this one, there's another one, Confessions of a CEO. I do not know who works for her. How do you not Google this shit? Like if I'm going to do a comedy special and I have to pick a name for it, I Google it to make sure.

[00:42:30] Well, and then other people vet it. Yeah. And then other people vet it. Not just, it's not just Kathleen Googled it. I mean, we turn it over to the legal department and go, hey, make sure we're not going to get sued if we say this. Right. It's just a shit show. And also, you're not a founder. No. Stop it. That's what I don't like. You married a prince who had a shit ton of money. You were a C-rate actress on a show called Suits that the young people like. That's what they liked.

[00:42:59] The youngsters liked that show. It's back now. My mom goes, I tried to watch that Suits. It seems like soft porn. I go, it's not for you, Mom. Stop. What are you doing watching Suits? Go watch the Karen Reed trial. You'd be a lot happier. There's no porn in that. It's just drunk people driving around one town in Massachusetts. You can't say you're a founder when somebody just gave you a shit ton of money and you went and spent it. Bullshit.

[00:43:26] You're a founder if you started a company on your own and then, you know, boom, you end up like these people that are actual founders. Right. It's just unbelievable. But how do you steal this? I got it right here. Here's Confessions of a Founder with Alicia M. Campbell. I don't know who that is, but whatever. And then Confessions of a CEO with Kelsey Borges. Borges? Borges? Borges? I don't know.

[00:43:54] You know, I would say that Kardashians founded stuff. I don't even know really why anything about them, but I know they have products that are very popular. They do. They launch a product every other half hour and it's very successful. Yeah. That's a founder. I'll give you that. That's a founder. April 8th. In case you want to listen. Ong. Oh. Update. This is so great.

[00:44:19] So I don't think I've ever laughed as hard as I did a few weeks ago on this podcast reading Jamie Dimion's shock and awe that people were fucking off on Fridays. Yeah. And every other day. And then on Zooms they were doing other stuff. Did I sit tight? I shouldn't. Well, it's my cousin Joey. Nobody will put it together. He works from home and he had. During COVID. Yeah, during COVID.

[00:44:45] He had a TV placed above his computer, but he did all the sight lines so it looks like he's looking at his computer. But he was really watching World Cup soccer. Nice. That's brilliant. Because I was sending him all my bets. Yeah. And he was like, oh, well, I don't know. I wouldn't do that right now. And I'm like, hey, aren't you at work? He's like, oh, no. Well, I am. But I mean, I'm in my pajamas with my cat and I'm watching the World Cup soccer. But I go, can't they see that you're not? He's like, oh, no, no, no, no. These kids have so many ideas of how to trick. It's trickery. Good for the kids.

[00:45:15] Good for the children. Didn't your nephew buy a mouse? Somebody had a mouse that you could remote control. Yeah. I won't say which nephew did that. So how smart is that? So then he could be out in the boat. Yeah. And then he just hit that every now and then that mouse would move around. So it showed activity on his computer, even though. Right. Yeah. I'm going to see if we can get one more. Well, Jamie Dimion, he's now facing a mutiny. At JP Morgan. The children. The children. They have secret chat rooms.

[00:45:45] They're going to fuck them. As JP Morgan, as the CEO, Jamie Dimion pushes forward with an uncompromising return to work office mandate. Hundreds of JP and Morgan have quietly banded together. And what is shaping up is to be a full-blown corporate mutiny. Wow. Do not mess with the children. No. No. Everybody my age is terrified of them because they all know about HR. They all know what to do.

[00:46:13] But the workers are not gathering in boardrooms or on the office floor, but in secret chat, secret cryptid, they're encrypted. Oh. Chat groups in a kind of digital underground. A growing network of frustrated bankers and managers are plotting a response to the company's strict return to RTO, return to office orders. It all began shortly after his announcements that they'd be required. There's a... They don't know how...

[00:46:41] They've heard of it, like JP Morgan's aware, but they don't know how to find it because it's encrypted. Wait, hold on. If employees are not meeting expectations, and these are all his threats. That's... Wow. Yeah. Employees in the group chat have exchanged alarming details about internal tracking tools

[00:47:07] that monitor their every move, from color-coded calendars that flag suspicious patterns, like calling in sick on Fridays, from heated maps showing productivity metrics measured by the hour. What? I mean, who would want to deal with this? People who aren't comedians have to. People who aren't comedians have to? No, you don't have to. You could go work at Sam's, my bar. It's fun. Okay. I'm saying, why would you... I'm not sure that's a career, though. You don't think that's a career? Okay. Well...

[00:47:37] That's not a challenge plan. Well, no, that's what my dad always told me. You're not going to be a 60-year-old bartender. Okay, I'll go on the other side and talk and tell jokes. I'm still in a bar, Dad. FYI. It's just a big bar, and it's fancy. And... There's 3,000 people here. There's 3,000 people that also want to be in this bar, and they're going to sit there, and we're going to have a little chat. Oh, my God. Somebody's measuring my productivity metrics hour by hour? Yes. Oh, my God.

[00:48:07] That always works. Oh, J.P. Morgan insists there's no firm, wide heat map. Stop it. But they will confirm the use of the attendance tool. Here's the other thing, Jamie. You're 69. The children are 29. And you know what is it? Well, I almost said his name. I won't say it. My one nephew. Yep. We'll call him Jim. It's not Jim. No. They're going to go online and buy a mouse, and you're going to be tricked by that for at least a year. You're so far behind.

[00:48:35] You have no idea what these kids are capable of. And I say more power to them. Don't you spy on me like that? Bullshit. Like, I either do my job or I don't. If I don't do it, fire me. Fine. But to spy on me, to bring that level of intensity is terrible. It's 28 bucks for a mouse. 28 bucks for a mouse that you can control? Yeah. Remote control? Yep.

[00:49:04] Then he had to talk about his apology again. Well, we'll see. Hey, I'll keep you updated if the revolt works. And maybe it's not just the young people. Maybe people might as well. You're sick of this shit, too. It's called a mouse jiggler. Mouse jiggler? Yep. There you go, kids. Oh, they have a smell system to see if you can detect if people are using them? Yep. Oh, they'll think that. The kids are 20 steps ahead. Wow. This one's only $19. The $19 one's probably not going to work as good.

[00:49:34] I think if you're going to fuck off and go golf or fishing or out on a boat, you should make sure you get the most expensive one. Yeah. That's my advice from Ann Catt right there. Here's something super exciting. We're moving on. I forgot to say, this is technically... Oh, wait. I'll save it for news. We got some holy shits. They found it. Holy shits. New evidence supports the myth of Noah's Ark as boat-shaped formation dates back to biblical floods.

[00:50:03] Now, we've all known that there's this thing on Mount Ararat, I think. Okay. Mm-hmm. It's supposedly Noah's Ark. Yeah. And I don't necessarily disbelieve that. Okay. They think... Recently, though, they've discovered fossils that they think prove it's Noah's Ark. Researchers found that a boat-shaped mound built long believed to be the faithful...

[00:50:30] by the faithful to be Noah's Ark was most likely submerged underwater during a devastating flood some 5,000 years ago. Okay. An international team of experts has been working together to study what they could believe the site of the massive preserved vessel. So, they're taking the wood and all this shit, and they're dating it. Okay. Okay. Okay. This is a geological structure composed of limonite and ore of iron is located approximately 20 miles south of Mount Ararat's summit.

[00:50:58] This is in Turkey, near the Iranian border of something I can't pronounce, and you don't even care. Okay. The formation has interested experts for decades due to its ship-like dimensions and its similar description of the Noah's Ark and Mount Ararat's mention in religious text. Okay. Yeah. According to the Bible, the dimensions of the vessels were a length of 300 cubits. Keep going on. It won't make no... It makes no sense. So, they're going to biblically see. I like it.

[00:51:28] Like, I think the thing... Well, I'm not going to get into it because the Christians will yell at me. But as a Catholic, like, do I think there was a flood? Yeah. Do I think Noah got in a boat? Yeah. Do I think he took two of every animal? No. No. It's impossible. Right. And then if we're just going to end that argument with, well, it was a miracle. Okay. Well, okay. We're good. Let's just have another shot of Jameson and move on. Whatever. Because if we're going to use miracles as every time something can't be explained, I think it was an example.

[00:51:57] That's how Catholics view it, though. It's like a story to teach you a lesson. Story. To teach you something. It doesn't have to be that factually correct. No. It's kind of correct. Yeah. Just let me give you some faith. A little hope. A little faith. Yep. Holy shit, they found it. This is great. I never even heard about this. Ghost ship found after 132 years in the murky depths of the shipwreck coast. Oh. Yep. 27 people died as a result of the wreck.

[00:52:24] And what happened is only known because of its lone survivor. The ship went down in the most perilous area of the Great Lakes. The Great Lakes are terrifying. Yeah. At night or in the winter. Even in Chicago when I go down just to walk by the lake and stuff. I think because I'm a landlocked lake person, I need to see the other side. No, you're not going to do that. I, once you don't, it becomes the ocean to me. And like if I get in a boat and I'm driving that boat. Hmm. Yep. I think I like seeing land on both sides.

[00:52:54] It's like bumpers for bowling. They look like. It's too, it's too vast. Too big. Yeah. A historical all steel ship that broke records as it cruised the Great Lakes but came to a tragic end has been found more than 100 years after it sank. They announced this week. It went down 132 years ago during a summer cruise for a family of its millionaire owner and shipping magnate Peter Minch.

[00:53:23] The voyage to escape the heat ended a disaster. Well, you certainly escaped the heat. You're in the water. Yeah, yeah. It ended in disaster along a stretch of Michigan now known as Lake Superior Shipwreck Coast. It killed 27 and left one survivor. Wow. Yep. That's crazy. How crazy. It was a 318 foot long ship. Wow. That's huge. Wow. It was made entirely of steel. It was known for speed, even referred to as the Inland Greyhound for being, and supposed to be the safest on the lake.

[00:53:53] It broke the record for carrying the largest load of coal into Milwaukee during its time. The lone survivor was wheelsman Harry Stewart. What happened there, Harry? They found it, though. All those people were dead and nobody knew what happened. Yeah. Good for them. Cool for you. Good for you. Here's some super exciting news. Super exciting news. News. Well. News. To news? Yeah. News.

[00:54:23] Oh, I like it. Breaking. Yeah. I'll never forget when I was 10, about 10 years old, watching Evel Knievel jump the Snake River on TV. It was like a two-hour special. I was so excited. And then my dad announced that we were related to him. Shut up. Yeah. Why the fuck are we not in Colorado watching this with family passes on? I didn't know I'm related to Evel. Family passes. What? You kept that a secret that I'm related to Evel? Well, it was by marriage.

[00:54:52] It doesn't matter. Yeah. Wow. Kitchen the Goodtons. Wow. I never got to meet him. But I loved Evel. I had all the Evel stuff. I had his trash can like that. I had, I liked him and Henry Winkler and Sean Cassidy. You have a lot of trash cans. Well, trash cans, they were easy to tell my parents to get for Christmas. Just give me the Evel Knievel trash can. Thank you. Yeah. How about bedding? No? Huh? You don't care about bedding? I didn't have any bedding like that.

[00:55:22] No. No. This is so great. Leonardo DiCaprio is reportedly in negotiations to star as Evel Knievel in a buyout pick directed by Damien Chazelle. I don't know. Wow. His manager has been leading the talks. That's great. It's going to film, center on his infamous 1974. So actually, no, I was eight. Snake River Canyon Jump. Evil for the children who may not know. You should Google him, but it's spelled E-V-E-L. Not like Evel, but pronounced.

[00:55:52] It's pronounced evil. He was a daredevil. We don't have daredevils anymore. I would say maybe David Blaine tries some shit every now and then. It's kind of daredevil E, but he says it's magic. So that's not right. Evil just said, I'm about to do something really fucked up. Watch this. Yeah. And then he would go do something completely insane. Watch this. He broke every bone in his body more than once. All of them. Yep. He's probably the only person that was still alive that did that. I did not know that. Yeah. So I'm very excited about that.

[00:56:22] I'll keep you updated. Here's a little something something. What do we say, travelers? What have I been complaining about? Well, wear shoes. God damn. You know what your little pigs burnt off? You have no idea how hot that wing was. I saw those people walking and I'm like, everybody in flip-flops and high heels is regretting their choice right now. You put on tennis shoes with a good rubber sole. Well, what if there's lightning? Boom. Bounces off my shoes. Boom. What? Well, that's what I mean. Lightning. Well, you didn't know.

[00:56:50] You might have to get off and crawl out of that plane in a thunderstorm. Southwest Airlines is ending its free check bag policy for the first time in its 54-year history. Okay, Southwest. Wow. That's crazy. Yeah. Here's what you were known for. Discount airline, cheap flights, direct flights, free bags, and open seating. You have recently canceled.

[00:57:19] You're canceling the open seating. Yep. And you're going to cancel. Check bag. You're going to make people pay to check a bag. Yep. I've heard $35, but I don't know that that's exactly true. I've just, they haven't really announced it, but that's when I've floated around. And then your tickets are not cheap. No. I am flying from Kansas City because I have to go to the lake and then back to Nashville. It is $460. Now, I would love to buy the, you know, my younger nieces and everybody's like,

[00:57:48] well, Kat, you're going to buy that. I want to get, just buy that. I want to get away. You people don't have jobs. You can fly whatever the fuck you want at midnight, two in the morning. I got shit to do and I need to be places and I need to be there at a certain time. So Aunt Kat needs to buy the ticket that's real. You can buy your fantasy fake tickets all goddamn day long. And, oh my God. So then we went to Japan. We were in Tokyo. And then I was like, oh my God, this is so weird. Right?

[00:58:18] And then, yeah. I don't know. We got home like at four in the morning. Okay. No. Aunt Kat's too old for that shit. Aunt Kat has things to do. Well, I honestly, honestly, I don't really hardly ever, if I don't have two check bags, but I do see people going on vacation and people with kids. Oh, fuck. I'd rather have a gorilla sometimes than, well, I like a gorilla. I like kids.

[00:58:47] But the amount of equipment that kids involve, and especially like my sister had the twins, holy shit show. Two packing plates, two car seats. And then they got the, I call them the bumpkin things. I don't know what the thing you shove in the thing. And you see these parents going through all this bullshit, like a gorilla be on his own. I'm like, you got your shit, Bob? And the gorilla, yeah, but you know, if we're traveling and stuff, he's got his own suitcase and he doesn't need a car seat. He needs a diaper. Yeah, he needs a diaper.

[00:59:16] They're expensive, extra large. Anyway, starting May 28th, just in time for summer. What are you, Southwest? You're not what you started as. You're nothing anymore. Now you're just another, the only thing I will say about them is a lot of direct flights. Yeah. There are a lot. But like, I flew it home from Charleston and it's just never normal. Like, this is why I should not cheat on Delta. I know this, but Delta, I would have to go back to Atlanta and I knew there were storms and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[00:59:45] Some guy, some guy just old, not that old, 68. And he'd been bitching since the beginning of the flight about one thing or another. He was clearly the problem child, right? Then he just starts screaming out. He can't see. What? Right. Yeah, I know. And then we get the, is there a medical person on board? And I thought, this is how tired of traveling I am. I'm like, if we have to divert because you just suddenly went blind, what is the goddamn difference?

[01:00:13] If you went blind now, you're going to be blind when we land. You're going to be blind two hours from now. It could be a stroke. I know. I'm saying I'm making fun of myself. That was a little too harsh on my part, but had he not been a pain in the ass the entire time before that and bothering the shit out of that flight attendant, I would not have thought those thoughts. If it came out of nowhere, I'd be like, oh God. Well, there's a medical school girl. She's very nice. She's in medical school. I heard the whole conversation. She's going to be a doctor, but she's not currently a doctor.

[01:00:43] She's working on it. She just said he was dehydrated. I'm like, I can't, people, calm down. Everybody's snapping. I'm just letting everybody know summer travel is going to be insane based on what I've seen. Here's the thing. Only on Southwest's most elite, sorry, rapid rewards, A-list preferred members and passengers

[01:01:09] who book the top tier business select fares will receive two free check bags. Which is what you're doing. Which is what I'm doing anyway, but I should give mine to somebody else. Right. They should do that. You should just sit there and ask. And wait. Yep. And go give me your bag. Well, I can't check them for them, but just go, can he have my free bags? You know what I mean? Let's probably buy it. A frequent flyer A-list members, Southwest branded credit card holders, and other select customers will be allowed one check bag.

[01:01:37] Everyone else will be charged for their first check. I just. It's crazy. They're like, well, we realize we've been missing out on billions of dollars. Yeah. But remember why it all started? Yeah. Because the gas prices. And I said, oh, they're saying they have to charge for the bags to make up for the gas price. Right. And now the gas is down to nothing. It never goes away. No. No. No. I just think it's terrible. It's $12. It's all you ever built your thing on was all this cool stuff, and it's all assigned seating

[01:02:06] now, checking bags, paying, blah, blah, blah. Well, you know. That's right. But. This is the saddest story ever paddles for you. Why? Hudson Bay, Canada is closing. It's so sad. It's heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking. If you've never heard of it or whatever, it's a giant department store in Canada, but they have very Canadian things in there, and they have a signature design, a logo.

[01:02:33] It's the three stripes of yellow, green, and red. And I have a Hudson Bay blanket, and all the times, and Louis and I toured Canada, went across on the bus, and then I could buy more stuff because Louis had his bus, and I could fill up that bus. Blankets, I have a paddle. Really cool. The paddle's cool. The paddle's awesome. I like it. It's so sad. Yep. They're preparing for an immediate liquidation starting next week, aiming to wind down operations by June.

[01:03:00] They couldn't secure finance and keep the stores open, putting 9,364 jobs at risk across Hudson Bay. They also bought Saks Fifth Avenue, and they bought Saks Off Fifth. Yeah. Which makes no sense. I don't know why they did that yet, especially that I've only seen one Saks Off Fifth in my life, and it's at an outlet mall in Florida by my mom's house. Yeah. And it's super random. Like, you go in there, and yeah, they have, like, expensive things that aren't that expensive

[01:03:29] anymore, but they're weird sizes, or there'll only be, like, one. Well, they're also weird. It survived 355 years. I know. We got to ask the Canadian termites. It started as a fur trading company. Yeah. Yeah. That's so sad. Yeah. 1670. Yeah, it's crazy. God dang. They helped settle Canada. Yeah. Yeah. Fur trade era. It's been losing money and supporters set back by the pandemic, inflation, and lately

[01:03:59] trade tensions with the U.S. Now it's entering a proceeding similar to bankruptcy protection and expects to close stores. So if you guys like anything of Hudson Bay, the blankets are super awesome and stuff. The design's really cool. Go. I went on eBay. There's some stuff. And Amazon had a few things, but mostly eBay. Yeah. And I trust that whatever you're getting will be the real deal. It's sad. It's very sad.

[01:04:29] We'll do the history that has the bank on it. Yeah. Yeah. Speaking of airplanes, I should have put these together. I don't know why I thought this was so funny. Up until 1970, United Airlines had men-only flights. Oh, yeah. And there's a picture of like a smoking hot flight attendant lighting his cigar in the plane. She's lighting his cigar.

[01:04:58] And the other guy's got a pipe like he's a professor of some bullshit. From 1953 through 1970, United offered men-only executive flights between New York, Chicago, and between L.A. and San Francisco. These flights were operated by DC-6B aircraft and later something else. Flights mostly operated at 5 p.m. in each direction between the two cities. They didn't just ban women, but children also.

[01:05:24] And the flight attendants catered to these business flights with special meals and offered complimentary cigars. Oh. Cigar smoke in an airplane. Gross. And I smoke cigs. I don't even care. Cigar smoke, though? I like cigars. Oh, God. You gotta be outside. I mean, I'm not gonna... I don't even think about health. I'm just like... It doesn't smell that good. Like, it's... But I don't know. It's better than a strawberry vape coming at you. I can tell you that.

[01:05:52] They offered last-minute message service to make a call on behalf of the passenger back to the office. She'd call your office for you. It's... Excuse me, Tootsie. Yeah. Tootsie. Could you, uh... Could you call my office and, uh... Tell the wife I'll be home tomorrow? Thank you. The wife. Um...

[01:06:17] They also had a teletype business news update with closing stock market prices. Are you kidding? No? United used to claim in its history 10,500 segments with a little bit of... Oh, yeah. Here's the ad. For men only. The Chicago executive. United's 5 p.m. club in the sky. Non-stop to Chicago. Cigar and pipe smoking permitted. Cocktail, steak, dinner, relaxing atmosphere in the pressurized DC-6 mainliner.

[01:06:46] 10 other DC-6 non-stops daily. Call McMurray Hill Travel Agency or an authorized travel agent. That's insane. This is why there's old white guys that are mad. All this shit's gone. Yeah, exactly. I used to be able to fly without her. I had a secretary on the plane that I met when I got on. She'd light my cigar and grab her ass. Yeah. You get closing stock market quotations that are available? If you'd like to do some work, your stewardess will arrange a table for you. Stewardess. Wow.

[01:07:19] Oh, you have any last-minute messages you need to leave in New York? Simply write out your messages and United will telephone them promptly. Full-course steak dinner. Served by the two stewardesses aboard. It's a delicious meal prepared by experienced continental chefs. We don't even get pre-plugged drinks. No, you can't. No, half the time. Well, I always think Southwest, this is my theory.

[01:07:47] If the flight is less than an hour, they always just say, oh, the pilots have told us to be seated. It could get weird. They just don't want to do a drink round. I get it. I wouldn't either. No. Especially if I'm 50 years old and I've been a flight attendant forever. If I can get away with it? Yep. Mm-hmm. You freaks can wait an hour. Here's something wacky. Scott Peterson, you know, the guy who I totally believe killed, Lacey Peterson. Yeah. He was attacked in prison while playing pickleball.

[01:08:17] Playing pickleball. Now, look, I'm not you. I don't believe as strongly in the death penalty as you do. You're gone. Play pickleball. Sometimes I think it's valid. But I do not think you should get pickleball. I have to wait for a court and I'm in a free America. I'm not in jail. He's playing fucking pickleball. Like, this is where it's gone too far. Yes. Yes. I'm over it. This is where I go, I'm not woke. Get rid of him. I'm not woke on that. These kind of things.

[01:08:47] No, you don't get pickleball. I like your firing squad. No. The firing squad is great. Well, they use the firing squad. They killed that guy in South Carolina. I know. I know. They put a little target right here on his heart. Yeah, I read about it. It's kind of dark. It's fine though. I like it. Yeah, we're going to. Pickleball. Yep. This is why I feel that way. Yep. How was I murdered somebody? Pickleball. I mean, no.

[01:09:14] You get the yard to walk around so you don't, you know, you don't get blood clots. I get that. Let them exercise. I think so. Blood clots would kill people. Well, blood clots. Yeah. Yeah, maybe we don't let the death row people and then they just die. Exactly. This is turning dark, Katz. This is turning dark with you. You clearly have more ideas than just killing them. Yeah, I'll tell you. You want to do fucked up things. I'll tell you later. But it's time for the feel-good story. Oh, great.

[01:09:44] Yeah, after that, we're going to do the feel-good story. This is so great, except not if you have chickens. This is not a good story if you're a chicken owner in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. I have my friend's son goes to school in the UP. He's a hockey player. Trevor is his name. So I'm going to put Trevor on this and see if he can go out and find anything, find any more information. This is crazy.

[01:10:12] Cougar cubs spotted in Michigan for the first time in over a century. No. Cubs. They've spotted males, but they never spotted any females and never any cubs. This little thing, Haydn, is so cute. It's something that should be celebrated, that we have the habitat support in an elusive animal like this. Cougar club cubs have not been documented in Michigan in over 100 years, but state biologists can confirm by recent photos officially ended to dry spell.

[01:10:39] On March 13th, the Michigan Department of Natural Resources released a trio of images that show a pair of tiny cougars roaming a snowy portion of the Upper Peninsula in Antonegon County. I'm not sure where that's at. Although the big cats are native to Michigan, humans hunted them out of existence by the early 1900s.

[01:10:59] The Department of Natural Resources verified 130 adult sightings, sightings of adult cougars, but all of them were transient and they were males from western states. That's what they always say in Missouri. Oh, they're just walking through. Well, okay, but, well, all of them? Now that there's tree cam pictures, the Missouri Department of Conservation is just, you're just not telling the truth. I don't know why. Why won't you just, because it's my brother's nightmare, he's going to go deer hunting and go up in his tree stand

[01:11:28] and the cougar's going to race right up there and tackle him and eat him. Exactly. And it's probably, and so I then, before deer season, I go online and I find all the videos of cougars in Missouri and I send one a day to Patrick. That's not very nice. And all I put on the top, all I put on the encryption is, meow. Here, kitty, kitty. Oh, baby cat just moved. Meow. Oh. Oh. She likes the podcast. She likes coming up here for like this amount of time.

[01:11:59] It's her little secret house. Oh, okay. Yeah. March 6th, a pair of motorists driving in the western UP spotted what they thought were just regular kittens and they took pictures and videos. And the guy was like, oh, neat, kittens. And then they're like, wah. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. They're like, no, they're not bobcats, blah, blah, blah. They're so cute. I'll put pictures in the show notes. That's awesome.

[01:12:27] But they're saying they're very vulnerable right now. We don't know if they're going to live or die, but they look pretty healthy jaunting down the road. Cool. All right, termites. We got some thank yous. We got a saint to learn about. We have some quotes. I got to find. I lost my thank you paper. Hold on. Hold on. Huh. More detail about what I did for St. Patrick? I don't have any more details. That's it. Yeah.

[01:12:58] It's not like, you know, Nashville does it, but they don't do it like St. Louis or New Orleans or something. You know? Yeah. It's fine. They represent. They do a good job. But, you know. Like, my cousin Mary hires a band. I mean. What? Yeah, from Ireland. What? Yeah, she goes and cruises all the Irish bars in St. Louis and then she hires somebody. She has every year. Wow. Yeah. In the house or backyard, whatever. Whatever the weather permits. And she's been doing it for like 15 years.

[01:13:27] That's a good dedication. Yeah. Thank yous. And then we're going to finish this up. These will be quick. Oh, the Fall Line Brewing. I did love the Fall Line beer in Macon. That's from Macon. Termite DeMarcus. Three-headed monster beer. Plains, Georgia Termites, Mary Jo, Chip, Alec, and Kate. Cat Toy Streets and the Bernie onesie cookies. Those were very funny. Do you or do you not support the onesie?

[01:13:56] Bernie's getting big crowds these days. Yeah. Yeah. Wouldn't that be weird if you got super popular when you were like 85? Yeah. Those are from Fulton, Moe, and Georgia Termites, Aaron and Becca. Local beer. Oh, my stuff, Nessie. I love it. And Lake Oconee, Jennifer. Blind Pirate Beer. Amy and McCall. And then Charleston. Aaron really liked that. Aaron loved it. The Blind Pirate Beer. I know. Charleston, Bucky's Cheese. I love anything.

[01:14:26] A bunch of – and Kiowa golf balls. And that's from my friend Rick and his wife, Lee. Nice. Yeah. Rick works out at Kiowa. He's my secret – He's fun. My secret point of contact. South Carolina Escape Monkey t-shirt. That one, that was from Amanda and Vaughn. I just love that there was a whole group of people. They were into it. I know. They came and got them. It's so sad. Do you or do you not support the monkeys? Do you or do you not support – The Monkeys. The Monkeys on the Run.

[01:14:57] The jailbreaking monkeys. Live Oak Coastal Lager. That was very good, too. That was from Savannah Termite Province. Savannah's another city I need to go back to. I love it. Yeah. Low Tide Lager. That's from John's Island Termites. I never get to go there. Bridget, LeBron, and Lisa. John's Island's on the way to Kiowa. Yeah, but like I've never got to explore it. I just go straight to Kiowa. Right. You're overstimulated. I'm totally overstimulated. Hilton Head Tropical Lager. Lager.

[01:15:26] Termite Jenny and the local weirs. Greenies. The cats are so happy. Chapo's going on a spring. Oh, look at her now. Yeah. She's asleep. She looks cute. She's very cute. Yeah. And she's not a witch. They love the greenies. Chapo's going to be starting his diet next week because it's getting down to 32 again this week. I'm not going to starve him out when he's cold. I'm going to... No more greenies, though, for him. The other three, Cedric can have them. Cedric needs all of them.

[01:15:56] He's too skinny. Yeah. And these two are not... Cedric's kind of cute. Cedric could be real cute. He's going to be real cute. Anyway. That was from Termites Bob and Mary Charlotte. Cool. So, UPS, Cats Treat Dispenser. That thing's fun. It's a little toy. That's from... That's from Winona? Winona? Minnesota? Yes. Oh, wow. There's a Winona, Minnesota. Yep. How about that? Termites. Kim, Jenny, Katie, and Sarah. Nice.

[01:16:26] Oh, I liked my Masonic Lodge number 40 secret sauce. That's from Rob and Angela. Irish playing cards. Termite Susan and the What Would Dolly Do balloons from Termita. Spanish for termite. Nice. Susan and her dog, Leo. Cool. So, thank you for all that, you guys. All right. That's awesome. Yep. Now, we're going to learn about a saint. Okay. I picked this one. I picked two. I'll decide.

[01:16:57] No. Oh, I don't want that one. How about this one? Did you pick one? Or did you decide? No, I did earlier. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, well. No. No? Well, here's why I don't like sometimes being called a comedian because we're always put in the same category as clowns. What? Yep. Saint Genesis. Genesis. Genesis? Patron saint of actors, clowns, comedians,

[01:17:26] and stage magicians. I don't want to be with magic. No. No. No. According to legend, Genesis was performing a farcical play about a Christian baptism for the emperor Diocletan. In the play, actors dressed as a priest and an exorcist came to Genesis as he lay on stage, acting if he was in pain, bewailing a great weight pressing upon him. The two asked how they might help. Playing his part, he replied, baptize me. Upon saying this, he suddenly had a real vision of an angel

[01:17:55] carrying a book with all of his sins recorded. Transformed by the revelation, he leapt to his feet and cried out in earnest to be baptized. The emperor, furious and appalled at his audacity, ordered him to be beheaded. Oh, excellent. There you go. There's a fun ending. Yeah, I like it. Well done. Hey, I think I just saw an angel. Can I be baptized? Take off his head. I will not participate in this bullshit. Uh, the queen.

[01:18:26] I agree with her on this one. This is the queen on society. Okay. It is not the new inventions which are the difficulty. The trouble is caused by unthinking people who carelessly throw away ageless ideas as if they were old and outborn machinery. She don't like change either. She don't like change. Me neither. No. Good for her. You do not like change. Right. What was wrong with the old way? What was wrong with that? Nothing. You sound like those men on a plane. I know. Yeah.

[01:18:57] Why don't you get older? These are the things you think. This is something everybody can think about. This is Dolly. Great. When I was 35, it was a pinnacle, a great time in my life. Success and happiness and all that. And so I just decided, I'm going to claim that number and always be that in my state of mind. I like that. Yeah. Yeah. So she's always 35. She's cool. Yeah. All right, Terbites.

[01:19:25] We'll see you guys in Fort Collins and Colorado Springs this weekend. And then Virginia Beach and Charlotte after that. Yeah. This weekend is John Novosad. Nice. Yeah. He's a Colorado comedian. He's extremely funny. Like, he's one of my favorite. Well, all the Colorado comics are funny.

[01:19:54] As far as the state and the state goes, they're just all a little off. You know? Like, a lot of them can't leave the state due to legal matters. Legal matters? Yeah, things like that. Yeah. They run the gamut. Yeah. But they're all funny. Very, very funny. But I love John. He's super-duper funny. I remember we had to go catch a plane and our connection kept getting shortened. And John's older than me. Yep.

[01:20:24] He does a joke where he used to call himself. He's like a hippie, right? And he's got crazy gray hair. He looks like I had started. I didn't know, but I didn't know how to ask this politely. I'm like, John, kind of an offbeat question, but can you run? Like, I didn't know if he could run anymore. But you don't know how to ask somebody without seeming like you're saying they're old. No, he just doesn't seem. He's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm up to like, you know,

[01:20:53] 35 minutes on the treadmill and stuff. I'm like, shut the fuck up. I'm like, and I got to say, even both of us carrying, he was actually carrying like a over the shoulder bag and I had mine on wheels. And he just about kicked my ass. Did he smoke you? Yeah, pretty much. I was shocked. Yeah. Never judge a book. Because he talks about, he likes to smoke weed and all that. He just doesn't seem like a gym guy, you know? But I didn't want to, it's very hard to ask somebody who's not like your best friend. Right.

[01:21:21] Are you still capable of forward fast movement? Because we're going to have to run our asses off to get to this flight in Salt Lake City. You good? All right, termites, that's it.