Episode 216: A Dog-Friendly Cruise, Hallmark Moms, & Stealing Graceland

[00:00:08] Hey everybody, it's me, Kathleen Madigan. Welcome to Madigan's Pubcast. You grab yourself a drink, pull up a bar stool, let's talk about what's been going on. It's episode 216. Oh my god, so many things. Right now, sitting in Nashville, could be a little tornadic tonight. I'm looking, feels a little tornadic right now.

[00:00:38] But right now, I don't think I need to, I won't be needing to head for safety, which in my house is the hallway between the steps and the downstairs. And I get a pillow and a bottle of Jameson and a hockey helmet my nephew left. Because you can't really have a basement unless you want to spend 200 grand blowing up rock. And 95, 5% thing on that, I'm gonna take the risk. Yeah. Hope I'm not wrong for 200 grand, that was what my life was worth. Beware to blow out a basement. Midwest have a lot more basements.

[00:01:07] With the house on the back. Well, it'd be weird to try now. Yeah. Yeah, the house is built. Yeah. I'd have to have the guys come back, Angel and Diablo. Actually, there were actually two men named Angel and Devil. I like it. I'm like, is Diablo his real name? They're like, no, we just call him that because he does bat things. Oh! I know, I'm like, oh, he's so friendly. Is he a dirty bird? Does he do bat things? Oh my god. Where to start? Well, let's just start with what I'm drinking.

[00:01:36] Because I had the weekend off. I mean, I had to do a lot of things, family things, whatever. But I got to go on Sunday to Tennessee Brew Works because they were having a crawfish boil. And I love crawfish. I love, love, love. I could eat thousands of them and thousands of them. And they did it right. I mean, and if you're ever in Nashville, I should do just, I always say this, but I should do a Nashville what you should or shouldn't do. Like, if you like the stuff I like. And if not, I don't know what to tell you. Some videos. Yeah, some videos.

[00:02:07] Well, you can see a video I posted on Instagram or whatever about Tennessee Brew Works. It's just a big open brewery in the spirit of Fat Tire in Fort Collins. Dog friendly. There's an outdoor. There's an indoors. There's live music. And there were just big long tables. Here's your chairs. It's like family style. You know, you're just eating with people you don't know, which sometimes can be weird, but was not weird at all. It was just wonderful. And they're so friendly. All the kids working there are happy.

[00:02:35] And it was a little chilly, like 50. I think they were hoping for a nicer day. Yeah. But it's psycho. I mean, it's 70 today. But there's 25 mile an hour winds because I wanted to go golf with Dorf. I did get to golf last week. One day, little Dorf came out. We had a blast. And it was a beautiful day. And I forgot to put sunblock on. I got sunblock. You know, I'm not in the sunblock mode. It's not even in my golf bag. I don't even know where my sunblock's at. I know. And I'm supposed to wear it every day. And I don't.

[00:03:04] So this is the Tennessee lager from the Tennessee Brewers. They have a million beers there. A million. That's a rice lager. Yeah. Instead of sake. There's a million that are great. And it's not far from downtown. So if you were to come to Nashville on vacation and you're staying downtown because you want to go to Broadway and all the bars, it's just boom, right off the beaten path. Nice. You could even maybe walk. Yeah, you could walk. Quicker than an Uber, but you could walk. So that's what we're drinking. Shout out to the Tennessee Brewers folks. It was just so fun. I could have stayed all day.

[00:03:33] I was just a little cold because the door kept opening and shutting. And I didn't have enough clothes on, really. It's my fault. I should have really looked. Okay. I pre-ate one of these and I'm not going to eat another one because it was so disgusting. It's M&M peanut butter and jelly. Really peanut butter and jelly M&Ms. Right. Yeah, I had to spit it out. Now, for kids, little kids with super sweet tooth, I think they would really enjoy this. Okay. I, no. That's a hard no. Okay.

[00:04:02] Now, my research assistant's Bob and Clark says along a Kit Kat that's chocolate frosted donut. I haven't tasted this yet, for real. The other one I already did. I can't do it again. Interesting. Okay. Yeah. I like it. I think I like it a lot. Okay. Good. I think it's a wonderful breakfast treat with coffee. Great. Yeah. It tastes mostly like a normal Kit Kat. It's a donut. Kind of like a donut. Mm-hmm.

[00:04:32] Yeah. That's a good way to describe it. A donut. A tiny donut. Mm-hmm. Well, that's what it says on the label. Oh, does it say it tastes like donuts? Yeah. Doritos Golden Sriracha Chips. Oh, my God. Tangy and sweet. Ooh, this is a crazy golden bag. Look at this golden bag of Doritos. I love Doritos, huh? No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. Oh, my God. Okay. Too tangy. Too sweet. Okay. Nah.

[00:05:03] Look at all the money I send to termites. So wonderful. Doing the work of the Lord. Holy shit. Upcoming shows. Are we ready? Morgantown, March 7th. March 8th, D.C. March 14th, Macon, Georgia. 15th, second show sold out. First show, 5 o'clock. That's still available. That is in Charleston, South Carolina. Love it. March 21st, Fort Collins. 22nd, Colorado Springs. 28th, Virginia Beach. 29th, Charlotte. But April 4th, New Orleans.

[00:05:33] April 5th, Pensacola. Next week, I'm announcing all the 2025 fall dates. Fun. There's a lot of cities in there that I haven't been to in a while. Everybody's, I think, going to be very excited. I'm very excited. Cool. There might be a home show for me, home being St. Louis, and maybe it will or will not be in deer season. That's the reveal. You got to see if I managed to not, per orders from my Uncle Jim. Kathleen, could you not do that during deer season?

[00:06:03] Okay. Could you please define? I know it's in November. Whatever. What does Los Angeles say when you say that? Well, I know. I have to tell, I have to tell Los Angeles that. I can't work those weekends. It's deer season. And then what's weird is my sister goes, well, what about turkey season? You know what? I can't cover every animal that lives in Missouri that you're allowed to hunt. Well, a lot of her friends, yeah, their husband's turkey hunt. There are a shit ton of turkeys just running around Missouri. I mean, but they don't look like regular turkeys.

[00:06:33] They're black. It's really strange. All black. Really? It's weird. Yeah. And then I'm like, would that turkey taste like one that I bought at the grocery store? Do they have the gobbler thing? Yeah, they look like a turkey. I mean, but they're just all black. So, yeah, it's weird. I don't know. Anyway, so that'll be next week. Wednesday will be the Tuesday. Tuesday's a pre-sale. No, Wednesday's a pre-sale. Tuesday's announcement. Wednesday's a pre-sale.

[00:07:04] Friday's on sale. Yeah. Just so everybody knows, please, if you're going to buy them, go through my website. Those links are correct. If there is a mistake on my links, I will fix it. But don't go. There are so many trick sites. Do you know there's a site? Because I went on to go buy. Stevie Nicks. Probably Stevie. No, it was something more recent. And there's one. And it's called, like, Ticket Mister. So they just, like, half the time I flip letters and numbers.

[00:07:33] I read it as Ticketmaster. Yeah. And I was like, oh, my God, they just switched letters. So there's a lot of stuff out there. I'm not saying they're not legitimate. I'm just saying, I don't know what happens, you know, if you can't go or something like that. Like, just the website are the real links to the real theaters. And Live Nation and all the promoters I use, Ticketmaster, everything like that. That's where you get the real deal. Okay. So moving on.

[00:08:00] I don't even really know where to start with this. This week is so much stuff. This morning was just overwhelming. A lot going on. So much going on. Well, we'll start with some Queen. A little bit of King news. I don't have a... I'm going to see if I can get a cardboard cutout of Mattress Mac. Okay. He should be a king. Yeah, I think so, too. He has a video on his Instagram. I think he's kind of Asperger-y. Like, you can kind of tell he's... Didn't his daughter say that?

[00:08:29] Oh, his daughter's got OCD, has a whole podcast, but it's severe. I mean, like, not... Like, they told them to put her in a home. No way! She was that... Like, yeah, it was that unmanageable. Wow. But they didn't do it, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I think Mattress Mac, he's just... He's hilarious to me, but in this... Salesman, he cannot stop me. He had the heart surgery. He's back at work. It's him talking to a bunch of Girl Scouts about how to sell their cookies. And I'm sure they're like, who's this Paw Paw?

[00:08:59] Like, they're like seven and eight, right? And I sold Girl Scout cookies, and they're like... But they had good questions. They're like, you sell more furniture than other people. How do you convince people to buy your furniture? And he's like, well, here's how I got started. But I'm like, Paw Paw, these are little kids? Like, yeah. They can't bankroll. You can also hire Mattress Mac if you'd like to have him speak at your event. And he has a whole ad about how he's hiring more. But I think he does understand sales more than anybody.

[00:09:28] I mean, his shit is great. And he has good stuff in that Galleria Furniture Galleria, the one I went in where I met him. And he was there for anybody to meet. It wasn't because, oh, I'm a comedian or nothing. He's just in the back. You just got to wait until he's done talking to Schmooky Hoo and Poo Poo, and walk right over there and go, hey, can I get a picture? He's very uncomfortable. Yeah, sure. Okay. Yeah, he's super odd. Anyway, I'm going to try to get a cutout.

[00:09:55] And then the saddest of all news, Dolly Parton's husband, Carl, passed away. I think he was 82, 83. They didn't really say what happened. But this is why I told my parents, you know you're getting old when if you guys died, nobody asked what happened. You just go, oh. I feel terrible for Dolly, though. That's awful. That's very sad. Very, very sad. And I have a little quote at the end. We'll round that off. And I don't have that many thank yous because they didn't go on the road.

[00:10:24] I got, I mean, no shows. Chapel, Missouri's finest, did Elton John's after party of the Oscars and sang Pink Pony Club with him sitting there. And I love that Elton's got just chubby enough like a penguin where he can stand up some of the times, but then he wants to sit down. But he's still having the time of his life. I'm like, good for you. He's still a good sport. I think the husband told him, you get your ass off the road before you're dead.

[00:10:53] We have teenage kids, and you were part of this. And this is bullshit. You were gone all year. And now he's home. But at least he still gets to go have his fun. And, you know, he got to go. But he always has his famous Oscars party or whatever they say. He's cute. Yeah, he was adorable. It's a very, it's a great video. She gives him a Pink Pony cowboy hat. And he's singing along. Swing. Yeah, he sang along. So good, good, good for him.

[00:11:22] Before we get into news or anything, well, let's start a couple things. These, oops, I don't need that Viking article right now. It's not yet. Here's another person. This is really just for the Catholics. Another person who despises Cardinal Raymond Burke as much as I do. And they keep saying he's the only American in contention. Yeah. I don't think they'll ever pick an American anyway. Why? But, oh, because we don't even participate enough.

[00:11:49] Americans suck compared to South America, compared to Africa, compared to Asia. Those Catholics are way more participatory than we are. True. And who's our outreach program? I mean, pick a nation in Africa and you can reach out to all of them. Africa. Right. All of a continent. Right. I mean, here, what are we going to get tricked Canadians? I mean, the Mexicans are already all in. There's no gain here for them.

[00:12:15] Um, um, I don't, I, there's another person saying no. This person said he's a total jerk right after blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Um, it, I got a lot. So we're just voting no as a group of the at least the Catholics I know, no to Raymond Burke. All he does is take the church backwards. And I'm not saying you need to go crazy forward. I'm not saying you got to be the women or priests thing guy. You don't have to be that guy, but we don't, don't need to go back to no birth control.

[00:12:45] Like, no, no. Um, so somebody wrote me about the fire festival. Uh, I, and they said, you're right in wanting fans to stay clear. So the Island it's, Oh, it's the Island of Mayores, which means the Isle of Women is a small island off the coast of Cancun, Mexico. Used to be our favorite vacation spot before it came overly popular. This is from Lynn. Um, it's Playa,

[00:13:10] Playa Norte is one of the prettiest beaches ever because the beach is compromised daily by bunches of boats, yachts filled with partiers that anchor there and pretty much destroy the atmosphere. The whole island is about five miles long, half mile wide. Beaches are awesome. Inhabitants accommodate and food can be amazing, but it is small. Most people who visit hire a golf cart to ride the loop around the perimeter. When we first visited in 2009, we could do the whole circuit and maybe see another, another golf course, golf carts. By 2015, there were traffic jams.

[00:13:38] Um, Ooh, this is not going to be good. This is where he wants, how many people's he want to come to that shit show? Well, yeah, but I don't know. Is there a limit or he, he probably won't care. He's not going to care on a limit. He's just going to let every jackass who's going to buy a ticket. I mean, if whatever happens to you, that's on you. Yes. Because if you did that, that is totally on you. Um, okay. I don't need that. Sorry. Oh my God. What are we watching? Oh my God.

[00:14:07] Well, 1923. I've watched two episodes. It's, it has everything I, everything I want. It's got, yes. Yeah. I want season two. Um, Indians, wolves, mountain lions, Catholic priests, um, Brits, Helen Mirren, fake cowboys, fake Indians. Um, it's just wonderful. Harrison Ford and Helen, Helen Mirren's so good. Oh my God. It's just so fun.

[00:14:36] It's, I highly recommend it. I also watched, uh, Ruby Frankie because my friend Aaron Weber, the comedian, him and his wife were watching it and I had watched something. Oh, I told him about apple cider vinegar. He goes, I found one crazier. And I'm like, what, what are people doing? And this is, she's an influencer at seven kids, Mormon. And I'm not, I'm not shading all Mormons. So don't send an email. I'm just saying that did facilitate a lot of this, um, instant followings and all that.

[00:15:06] Um, but it was also, she could be popular on YouTube and way to see, wait. I've never seen a, I had seen her name in the news thing. She'd been arrested. I'm not giving away any secrets here, but I really didn't know what she was about or what she did. But at true crime, fascinating beyond a cult next level, they follow a lady named Jody. I mean, that's where I always get lost with these cults, like major religions.

[00:15:32] We have like, you know, Jesus and Buddha, Confucius. Um, and then they're like, yeah, we're following Bob. What? Yeah. Bob. No, he's great. You haven't heard him talk. When you see him give a speech. Yeah. I mean, it's just, uh, so I would highly recommend that if you're into that, if that stuff makes you too weirded out or sad, don't watch it. Um, I taped the Oscars. I can't watch them in real time.

[00:15:58] I can't really stand the Oscars, but I like to tape it in case there's someone I really like, like a Meryl Streep or somebody, but none of those people were there. I didn't see most of the movies. I don't even know what they're talking about. I don't give a shit. I'm sure some people do. I appreciate that the film editors exist, but I don't care about who won the trophy out of your group. I just, I don't know any of you. I don't know who to root for, who to not root for. You know, here, these awards, this award, it was terrible. Right. Just terrible.

[00:16:27] Um, and then I didn't see the movie that won. I didn't even know. I thought Demi Moore was for the other show I was watching there. And then I know there's this movie, but a research assistant, Clark said he loved the movie called suspended or suspension or something like that. I don't know. All I saw was Conclave, which was the most absurd, absurd ending in the history of any show. I was so goddamn mad. I watch it. I'm not going to blow it. Well, I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you next week. No, next week. You have two weeks, two weeks, two weeks.

[00:16:56] You have two weeks to watch it. And then I'm going to blow it. I'm going to tell you the ending and we're going to talk about that. That ending is ridiculous. Two weeks. Um, it, oh, it just made me so mad. And my sister goes, well, then I'm not going to watch it. I go, no, you should watch it. Especially if you were raised Catholic because the pomp and circumstances, it's what keeps us, me interested, mildly interested is the, is the pomp and circumstance and the whole process of the Conclave. And we might be having one soon. Seems like more than likely we will.

[00:17:24] So the timing, I know he's off the ventilator. I feel like he's, he's kind of pulling a Jack Madigan here. Well, I'd be getting calls from my sister. He's dying right now. And I get there. He's like, Hey, did you bring me a McDonald's shake? This guy's not dying. What are you talking about? Dad, how you doing? Good. You want to watch a Cardinal game? Oh my God. This is, I just flew from fucking Seattle, Kate. Well, he wasn't like this yesterday. Doesn't he look better? I'm appreciative of every minute I got to spend and laugh and hang out.

[00:17:54] But I mean, they're old people can do crazy things when you're not expecting it. You think they're out of here. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. And he's got a direct line to God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The Pope is, he's infallible. He's the next one in line after Jesus. Oh my gosh. Um, here's what I did watch. Oh no. Okay. Let's go back. If you listen to this podcast, you know, I do not have a fondness for Megan, the Harkles,

[00:18:23] not for Harry and not for Megan. So it's not racist. Cause I don't like Harry either. It's an equal, it's an equal unlike dislike. Um, she, okay. First, the, um, the logo was basically ripped off. It's a carbon copy of some town in Spain or Italy. I forget. Um, then the, the branding as ever is already a clothing company in New York.

[00:18:48] So she can't sell clothes or she can have the name, but you can't, but nobody bothered or nobody gave a shit. I don't know. But these are all hijacks of other things. Copies. I mean, everyone said it's not just me saying this, that these are just hacks. They're ripoffs. Her trailer. Oh, look, there's another trailer. Pamela Anderson's cooking show, which was way out. Word for word. I mean, frame by frame, word for word. I like to elevate things.

[00:19:18] Oh my God. God. That's right. You see the Pamela Anderson one, which was released in October, but here's why they hacked it. I guarantee it. Cause it has happened to me with writers on shows. I will not name names that have gone through my older specials, stolen shit, and then made sketches out of them. And people think if you go to older stuff and, and just, man, we'll just borrow this piece and borrow that piece.

[00:19:43] I think they thought cause it was on Canadian, Canadian TV, Canadian food network. No one would see it or no, no one would know. But Pamela Anderson actually did move back to Canada and actually is doing these things and actually has been a vegan for umpteen thousand years. And it's very sincere. I believe it. It's good for Pamela Anderson. Cause now I'll watch that. I'll go for online. I try to, it's on the Canadian flavor network.

[00:20:12] I'd never heard of that. Oh, I'm like the flavor network. I like it. Well, the, the show came out today. All eight episodes of Megan's show came out. I made it through only because I do the work of the Lord. One and a half. I can't, I can't, I can't, I don't even understand what the goal is. It's like, they didn't have a producer or whoever, maybe the producer is trying to sabotage it. I don't know. But like, it does what she there.

[00:20:41] At one point she takes a bag of pretzels with peanuts, peanut butter in them, which by the way, a termite brought me backstage two weeks ago and fucking loved them. She takes them out of a bag and puts them in a little bag with a ribbon around it. Wolf, I can do that. I mean, I can't cook and I'm not a crafty person, but I can upgrade the bag. She says it's a skill. What? She said it's a skill. Well, she's saying, here's something cute you can do.

[00:21:10] Don't even let my friend Amy see it because there's so much wasting of plastic in this thing. Amy's head will explode. I'm like, eh, well, you know, you got some Ziplocs. Use them if you got them. Right. And then there's like cooking, but it's not cooking. In the first episode, they have this makeup artist guy. He's so boring. I'm sure he's a very nice man, but he's not made for television. He's made to get people ready for TV. If you, my friend Scott was always into the Food Network and all that. And he really could cook really, really well.

[00:21:40] And he, like, I love Trisha Yearwood's show because she makes fattening Southern things that I think I could actually make if I wrote it down. Martha Stewart, I liked because I thought she was a rich lady who was showing me what secret rich things people do. And I was just fascinated. I was never going to do any of it, but I was fascinated. People have this kind of time. One time, this is what Megan's show reminds me of. So one time, Lewis and I, there's a benefit you can do on Nantucket. And then I'd never been.

[00:22:10] I think Lou had been maybe once. But Lewis doesn't do real well in situations where it's 90% rich people. Lewis needs to be with Bernie in Vermont and Lou's an old hippie. So, you know, he'd much prefer a commune. Lou might join a cult, but he's not comfortable around all that. I just take it for what it is. But like Nantucket, I said they put so much energy as rich people into trying to act like they're poor.

[00:22:40] I don't understand this play we're doing. We're going apple picking. Go to the goddamn grocery store and get some apples. What are you doing? There's like one coffee shop, like Kate's Coffee Shop. Then there's a line. It's like three hours to get a cup of coffee, but that's part of the experience. No, just get a 7-Eleven with good coffee in here. I don't know. So like Megan's berry picking. Right. Like she's, it's like you're doing what poor people have to do. Right. But you're rich.

[00:23:09] You don't have to do any of it. But you're bored. Right. So this will be our day's events. Right. We're going to make our own candles. Why would you do that when Target is open? Target is open. You know who has really great candles? If you want to upgrade a little bit? Anthropology. So really good. Oh my God. Their candles are awesome. And guess what? They're already made. They're sitting right there. There's so many places with good candles. Like let's, and the honey, her outfits for cooking are ridiculous. She has jewelry on everywhere.

[00:23:36] I did not know this, but every single person online is like, you can't have jewelry like that on when you're cooking. Well, I don't cook. I don't know. No. I mean, yeah. You can't even have jewelry like that on when you cook. I can make my mom's chicken rice. I can make anything on my mom's cookbook and I made it better. I'm going to do an updated one for all my nieces and nephews. And go, grandma said this. Aunt Kat said this. Grandma says one tiny cup and a half of white wine in the chicken and rice.

[00:24:04] And Kat says, dump two and a half. You're going to like it better. I just upgrade her stuff. But I don't understand the point of the show. It's not a cooking show. It's not really a lifestyle show. The interviews are awkward. There was no, I feel like there wasn't a producer to go. We need a cohesive. What are we doing? You're putting pretzels from a crappy bag into just a shitty bag. Like what? How does that? Nope.

[00:24:34] Oh, we were going to put icing in a Ziploc and create your own. My grandma did that. Right. Like what? What are we doing? I don't know. Throwing away more plastic. Pissing Amy Aquino off. The queen of get rid of your plastic. And I don't disagree with Amy. I just don't have the energy in this lifetime. And I don't have any kids. No. So, c'est la vie. Whatever happens to the children happens. Look, they're going to get a shitload of stuff from me when I'm dead.

[00:25:01] And then I'm sorry if the world evaporated, but I needed a straw. Right. Yeah. Now here's a boat dock. A real straw. Here's a dock. Here's a boat dock. Here's my apology. This is a wonderful two-slip boat dock. And you have a permit. Paid for that too. Yep. You can park any boat you want. Right? Two lifts included. Lifts aren't cheap. Bless the turtles. My apologies for partially ruining the planet. All right. We're going to move on to a little.

[00:25:30] I never do this, but I'm going to do this on your behalf, Paddles. Okay. And I'm not. This isn't really as cool. You're not only doing it on my behalf. I'm doing it on Terry Clark's behalf. All my Canadian friends. Jan. Jan Arden. Mm-hmm. Jeremy Hatz. Yep. Tom Green. Mike Wilmot. Mike Wilmot. Mike Meyer. Harlan Williams. Yep. Mike Myers. Well, I don't know Mike. I know everybody else I'm talking about, but I don't know Mike. Anne Murray. I don't know Anne Murray, but everything's always on behalf of Anne Murray.

[00:26:01] Until she dies, she's the reigning queen of Canada. Uh-huh. The tariffs are happening. I just don't know that enough people know what Canada, but this made me, this, this was like, whoa. Just when you think Canada's up there, you know, doing nothing, being nice and polite. Uh, this is from Ontario Premier Doug Ford. Wasn't his brother like a Chris Farley drunk? Yeah, he was the mayor. He was the mayor of Toronto, right? Did he die? Yeah. Yeah. I think he died. Yeah, yeah. Probably four times. Probably, yeah.

[00:26:31] Too much drinky drink, I think. Too much everything. Too much everything. It was fun to watch. But he, yeah, I liked his speeches. Yeah. You get a guy with a little drinky drinky, maybe coca, maybe, yeah, let's see, he's always sweating profusely. He was very much like Chris, Chris Farley type. Yeah. But you rooted him on, but anyway. Um, the Ontario Premier Doug Ford doubled down on his threats. Now, I didn't even know this could happen. And this is on behalf of my friends in Michigan, uh, uh, Minnesota and upstate New York.

[00:27:00] Well, I don't know, maybe more than upstate New York. They, Canada is controlling a lot of the power grids. They can turn the lights off at any goddamn minute. And it's not just up there. Here's what he said. If you want to try to annihilate Ontario, I will do everything, including cutting off their energy with a smile on my face. Whoa. They rely on our energy. They need to feel the pain. You want to come hard at us? We're going to come back twice as hard. The United States is a major customer for Canadian electricity with all American power

[00:27:29] grids, with the exception of Texas. Because Texas, as we've seen, yeah, yeah, yeah. You all went rogue. Well, we've seen what that's done. Night-night termites down there. Anytime there's a storm. New York, Michigan, and Minnesota are Ontario's three biggest customers of domestically produced power. So I'm just saying, tread lightly. You want to pick fights? Somebody might punch back.

[00:27:55] And, you know, I know from touring in Canada in a tour bus with Louis Black, most of our mustard comes from Canada. So... Saskatchewan. Yes, Saskatchewan. So if you're a mustard fan... French's. French's, specifically. Yeah. Not Heinz. That's Teresa and John Kerry. French's is the best. We all know that. Yeah. The mustard's going to be 25% more. So you're a hot dog. Thank you for your knowledge.

[00:28:21] I'm just saying, do we really need to pick the fight or could we just go negotiate or maybe bring this 25% down a little bit? Just saying. And I don't want to get into political. Don't email. Don't. I'll ignore it. I'll delete it. I'm just saying to my friends in New York, Michigan, and Minnesota, it's still chilly up there. It was just there. You don't want the electricity turned off. No. No, you don't. And I don't know if this guy would do it. No. Justin came out swinging pretty hard today. I don't know. I don't know.

[00:28:52] How maybe you start with a brownout? You roll it just to show we can. Yeah. I think... I don't know. I think they're pissed. I think they're pissed too. You know who's going to be really sad? My friend Bobby, who owns a GMC dealership because now the cars are going to go way up. And even if they undo it, people heard that and go, I'm not buying a car right now. I'll wait until this is over. I wanted to wait until spring, spring anyway. It's not really spring. It's spring. It's not spring, spring. It's kind of spring.

[00:29:21] Yeah. Because it's still going to be 50 degrees at times. Moving on. That's just a world event. It's a world event we can all watch. Maybe Trump will be right. And maybe this will reset things. I'm open-minded. But I'm saying, I didn't realize that. Yeah. It's just a piece of information because we learn things on this podcast. Yeah. We're going to learn. That's right. We're going to learn things. Updates! Moving on.

[00:29:47] My favorite redneck crime of probably the last 10 years was the Missouri woman who tried to sell Graceland. And if you think like a true redneck, she probably thought, well, they're all dead and no one's living there. I'll just fucking sell it. But if you're going to do this kind of crime, start with a $2 million home at Lake of the Ozarks. Start with one that's not famous. Right.

[00:30:14] Start with one that's non-identifiable. Like, you know, go just sell some house on a cliff if you're going to try it. No, but you know, rednecked. Aim high, shoot high. Do it. That's right. Go big or go home. What are you going to do? Well, this lady tried to sell Graceland. A Missouri woman said Tuesday she's pleading guilty to a federal charge of accusing her of concocting a brazing plot to defraud Elvis's family by trying to auction off his Graceland mansion.

[00:30:42] She had an ad in the paper saying the auction was happening. Like it's a yard sale. Or like some bullshit auction sign you see on a country road that says, Saturday, come get all the repossessed cars. Here's some land. And the property. Not just the mansion. She was doing, it's probably got about 15 acres, I'd say. Well, no, across the street too. Maybe more. Elvis is great. Before a judge halted the mysterious foreclosure sale. Foreclosure sale.

[00:31:14] This is so crazy. If there is not a movie made about this woman, I'm going to be really sad. And you should see a picture of her. She just looks like any old white lady, middle age that would, in a little summer top, like, you know, looks like a normal. During a change of plea hearing, Lisa Janine Finley told a federal judge in Memphis that she will plead guilty to charges of mail fraud related to the scheme. She previously pleaded not guilty to a two count indictment, which also, which by the way,

[00:31:44] Marjorie Taylor Greene read in Dickman. And on TV made me laugh so hard. I'm like, this is what happens when you don't finish schools. You don't book learning. You've got no book learning going on down there. You're just all angry and throwing up a tussle. She previously pleaded not guilty to a two count indictment, which also includes a count of aggravated identity theft. She'll be sentenced at a later date. She falsely, this is how she was going to go about it. We need to revisit this.

[00:32:13] It's so delicious. Why is it there a podcast on this? I got to see. Maybe there is. On what? Because I got driving to do. Which part? I want to know of Lisa selling Graceland. That's what it was called. At least there should be an episode. Here's what she did. If you're wondering how you try to sell someone else's home, that also happens to be one of the most famous people that ever lived. Yeah. She falsely claimed that Presley's daughter. There is one.

[00:32:43] There's a podcast? It's called The Graceland Scam. The Graceland Scam. Excellent. Yeah, we'll put it in the notes. Okay, we'll put it in the notes. She falsely claimed that Presley's daughter borrowed $3.8 million from a bogus private lender. So she claimed Lisa Marie borrowed $3.8 million, but it's a made-up lender. So in the paperwork, that person's not really there. And had pledged Graceland as collateral for the loan before her death in 2023. She's probably just waiting for her to die.

[00:33:12] Boy, when that one dies, I got a plan. In January 2023, prosecutors said she was charged in August of 2024. She then threatened to sell Graceland to the highest bidder if Presley's family didn't pay a $2.85 million settlement. Jesus. She posed as three different people allegedly involved with the fake lender, fabricated loan documents, and published fraudulent foreclosure. A fraudulent foreclosure.

[00:33:41] Notice in the Memphis newspaper. I told you there was an ad announcing the auction of Graceland. Now, here's what's crazy to me about Lisa Marie Finley. I am not smart enough. Lisa Finley. Lisa Finley. Not Lisa Marie. Oh, right. No, well, what's her middle name? I read it. Lisa Marie Presley. Oh, right. She's Lisa. She's Lisa something. Lisa Janine. Janine. Janine Finley. If you're smart enough, I am not smart enough.

[00:34:08] I know no way could I create a fake lender, fabricated loan documents, and a fraudulent foreclosure. If you're smart enough to do all this, you don't need to be doing this. She might not have even done that. Yes, she did. It's all proven. A judge stopped the sale after Presley's granddaughter was sued. Now, that would be Riley Keough, the granddaughter, the daughter of Lisa Marie. Riley's off trying to have a nice little career being an actor girl.

[00:34:37] She's doing a wonderful job. Very nice, seemingly normal young woman. And, you know, you're sitting somewhere doing something, and you get a call. Some fucking redneck Missouri is selling Graceland on Saturday. What? Yeah, there's an ad in the paper. It says right here, foreclosure sale. Big tiger lending. Shit. Go, Missouri. Oh, my God.

[00:35:08] Experts were baffled by the attempt to sell off one of the most storied pieces of real estate in the country using names, emails, and documents that were quickly suspected to be phony. I love that word, phony. In May, a public notice for foreclosure sale of the 13-acre, oh, I guessed 17. Look at me. Said Promenade Trust, which controls the Graceland Museum, owes $3.3 million after failing to repay a 2018 loan.

[00:35:33] Riley Keough, the granddaughter and actor, inherited the trust and ownership of the home after the death of her mother, Lisa Marie Presley. Keough filed a lawsuit claiming fraud, and the judge halted all the bullshit, right? Anyway, so this is even weirder. Finley created all these fake documents.

[00:35:58] The company, the fake fraudulent company was called Nassani, presented fraudulent documents regarding the loan in September of 2023, and that Lisa Marie, she never borrowed any money from them. Kimberly Philbrick, the notary whose name listed on these documents, indicated she never met Lisa Marie, nor did she notarize any documents for her, according to the lawsuit. This brought questions of authenticity. Well, right. Where's the deed? What?

[00:36:28] Oh, I'm sure she made up a deed. She's very good. She's a very good kind artist. Click art. As the scheme fell apart, Finley tried to make it look like the person responsible was a Nigerian identity thief. Always blame the Nigerians. That's your go-to when you're a redneck. Right. An email sent May 25th to the AP from the same email earlier said in Spanish that foreclosure said it was an attempt made by a Nigerian fraud ring

[00:36:55] that targets old and dead people in the United States and uses the Internet to steal money. Now, I will follow it. Don't think there won't be an update when we find out. She could go to prison for up to five years, which I... Five years? Yeah, I know. I know. You can't let these people run loose. This is your nature. The snake is a snake. A beagle's a beagle. I know. Well, you can't put her to death for this. You can't. No, stop. Stop the steal. Stop the steal. Jesus Christ.

[00:37:24] Update! They're looking for my plane again. Malaysian flight. 370 has resumed again. Lewis was so excited on my behalf. He couldn't wait to send me this. And a bunch of termites did, too. I appreciate everybody. In case I miss stuff, it's always good. I go through the team email and I check. No, no, no, no. You know the history. It was 10 years ago, 239 people, 12 crew members. Everybody's still missing.

[00:37:52] The original search efforts spanned several years, cost over $150 million. We're considered the most extensive multinational error. Yeah, but you're dealing with the information from them that's wrong. Wrong ocean. Go watch my special. Oh, Jesus Christ. Huh? Next t-shirt. The next t-shirt is going to be wrong ocean. That's a good one.

[00:38:15] The search will operate on a no-fee, no-find basis, meaning ocean affinity will only be compensated if the aircraft's wreckage is discovered. The reward stands at $70 million. Hmm. Well, how much is it going to cost to do this? I don't know. It's very difficult. Yes. They're going in the southern Indian Ocean. It's 15,000 square. It's five kilometers. It's 5,800 square miles. Wow. Right. That's a lot.

[00:38:44] That's a lot of gas in your boat, and gas is going up. It's probably one more. One more. More than one boat. No, I think it's one of those big searcher boats, like those deals. I saw a picture. They don't know how long the search is going to last. Those negotiations are still underway. By the way, I did say to Louis, I'll shut up after this one. I can't shut up after this because then we've exhausted every resource,

[00:39:09] and these people are willing to put their own money up for a gambling bet, and that's very awesome. You're the only person that— I am the only one that has their torch. That's for sure. I'm sure the families do. I mean, outside of those affected immediately, but there's no time frame. Update! I love this. And I was talking to my publicist, Katie.

[00:39:37] Katie, I thought, was like my age, and she's 31, but that's how good she is at her job. She's so detailed and so organized. I pride myself on not forgetting things and usually being not only on time, I'm early, because that's from being left at a Catholic school and last one to be picked up too many goddamn times. Oh, it's fine. I had something to do. But, you know, no, there are too many of us. My parents just forgot. Whatever. You know, I would hitch rides with other parents.

[00:40:07] It was fine back then. But Katie is really good at this, and I told Katie about Jamie and Dimion's outburst and craziness, and I still—I can't get over the phone call. I still keep laughing. And I said, he just, like, realized there's casual Friday. Like, this has been going on since the 90s. Right. But Katie's one of the youngsters who does an outstanding job, so when he's throwing all the Gen Zers under the bus,

[00:40:35] he doesn't realize, hey, dude, if you hired some shitty ones, that's on you. Because I can name Franny, my friend, youngster, Katie. I can go and tell you it's your job to go find the type A's who work from home. Right. You got to find them. If you're hiring a type C stoner, probably not—that's probably a person that should come into the office because they're not going to do shit. Nope. Well, that's on you. You hired—your interview sucked, and you didn't figure that out. You should be able to figure it out. Shadow of the leader, Jamie.

[00:41:03] It's a total shadow of the leader. That's what I say in my employee meetings, and it's just myself. Shadow of the leader, Kathleen. My baby cat? Jamie is apologizing for his outbursts. This is the update. For cussing. I should never curse, but we are going back to the office. And even Katie agrees. Like, you're not going to get that cat back in the bag. Not with that generation. They're going to come and negotiate.

[00:41:30] I'll come in like three days, and I'm bringing my dog. Everybody's terrified. Everybody over the age of 45 is terrified of the assistants in everything I work with because they all know about HR. Yes. I—when I had a day job after college, we had human resources. I thought it was for sick people. I didn't even know what it was. I was like, oh, I guess you go—I guess I thought you went there if you needed help

[00:41:59] with insurance or something. This is furry. You're happy. Yeah, I did. And I was terrified because I knew good things didn't come out of there. Like, you don't want to be called in there. I knew that. But these—the Gen Zers will fucking march right down there and go, Bob hurt my feelings, and he told me my clothes look like shit. Even if they did look like shit. We've—we've got—the needles move too far. We've got to get these kids out of control. And Jamie, here's the thing. You're too old to do it. You've got to negotiate with them. Yes, they are terrorists.

[00:42:28] They are—yes, you do negotiate with terrorists. That's how you get terrorists to stop being terrorists. You negotiate with them. He's apologizing. But he's not baking down on the return to work. He grew frustrated when an employee at a Columbus, Ohio town mill asked him about signing a petition by more than 1,000 employees that demanded keeping hybrid work model in place. And it's not just Gen Z. It's people my age too. And then during COVID, we're like, hey, this working at home is pretty fucking great, right?

[00:42:58] And my cats, they're annoyed. I'm super happy. No, the cats are like, you leave eight hours a day, right? The dogs are the ones who are so—yay. Woo-hoo! It's walk time all the time. Hey! Even like halfway through the day, baby cat will look at me and go, hmm, thought you were going to run errands. Bye. Bye-bye. In response to the employee's question when they said, can we keep a hybrid, don't waste time on it. I don't care how many people sign that fucking petition.

[00:43:27] Don't give me the shit that work from home Friday works. Curse. I should never curse, and I shouldn't get angry and stuff like that. Way too late. Way too late. He doesn't oppose all work from home policies in general, but he dislikes them when they don't work. Well, you're saying they never work. Right. So you don't like them. No. So he apologized. That's an update. I go to work on Friday, and there's nobody fucking there.

[00:43:57] Right, but Grandpa, you signed off on that. You did that, Papa. The board heard that call. Somebody heard it and said, you get your ass out there, and you're not saying fucking and shit and every other thing he hollered off at. Update! American Airlines. I told you they're going to put that thing in place. That if you try to board before your group, it'll go at the thing. Well, it started. Stop it. Yep. Somebody witnessed it all.

[00:44:22] An angry Zone 9 passenger attempted to board with Zone 5, and that was a hoot quote. Yeah, they refer to those people that go too close to the thing. They refer to those people as gate lice. Gate lice. Wow. Yeah, I know, right? Wow. That's pretty. But here's the thing. It depends on what airport you're at, because sometimes there's not enough room to really not be gate lice. We're all gate lice.

[00:44:51] I mean, in Atlanta, unless you're going to stand in the middle of the aisle, the concourse, you're all going to be bunched up. Yep. But, you know, this trying to board when you're in Zone 9, and it's really— I didn't know there were 9 zones. I didn't know there were 9 zones either, and I'm not saying that as a snob. I'm just saying that as the one who travels every week, and I buy my tickets way in advance, and I really have a handle on what's going on. Some people may not with the traveling.

[00:45:18] Your real ID needs to be in two months, and let me tell you what. But I can tell you half of Tennessee does not have those, and there are no more appointments available, and it is going to be a shit show at the airport, because Mama and Peepaw Kettle are going to come right down those mountains and think they're flying to Florida, and you ain't— Nope, it's going to be terrible. They're going to ask if they have a passport. Yeah, that'll be their next question. Do you have a passport? No. Say what?

[00:45:47] Do you have a global entry card? No. Huh? Huh? I got a library card, and I got a— Costco card. Costco? Hmm. What else have I joined? Let me look. ARP. ARP sent me a free backpack. I got that. I don't have the card no more, but I got the backpack. You want to see it? It's really a gym bag, but I made it a backpack.

[00:46:16] So they're beeping you out, so just keep that in mind if you're going on American. They're the ones doing it so far. We should do it. We should just see what happens. Well, because, like, if you do try to board before your zone, half the time the flight attendant looks at it, and you scan it, and she sees your thing, and they just roll their eyes. They don't have the time or energy to deal with it. I get it. I wouldn't—you want to start a fight? That's what it's going to do. Start a fight. Right. And they're not getting paid enough to start a fight.

[00:46:49] This is so cool. This will not be cool vocally, but this will be cool if you go look at the link. I didn't even know these existed. For the first time ever, they caught an all-black Canadian lynx on video. Now, the real lynx are super-duper cool looking. It looks like baby cat with crazy ears and all this shit, but an all-black one, you got to go look at the picture of this thing. It's a video. Somebody got it. And it's in a neighborhood.

[00:47:17] It's not like somebody was out hunting in no man's land. It's in, like—you see, like, a kid's little truck that he was driving, you know, like a little plastic. It's in a neighborhood. So, I mean, I hope he—I don't know if they would kill your cats, like little cats, but they look pretty vicious, but they're gorgeous. They've never been caught on film. Never. Nope. It's so rare. Most of them are yellowish or reddish.

[00:47:44] They look like gray cats, like the majority of them. Wow. Yeah, not all black. It's a beautiful—so go check that out. I just was like, oh my god, I had to send it to everybody. To the show. This is weird. Holy shit, they found it. Stonehenge-like circle unearthed in Denmark may have links to the UK. There's also a Stonehenge thing that was found at the bottom of Lake Michigan. Yeah. Maybe this was their landing area.

[00:48:14] Maybe. Like, they drew a circle and said landed here. Maybe. And an alien craft landed. Mm-hmm. Why are they all over the globe? And they're identical. And at the bottom of water. Right. An extraordinary timber circle believed to be thousands of years old connected to Stonehenge in England has been discovered in the ground in Denmark. A circle of at least 45 wooden posts in Ars, North Juntland, has a diameter of about 30 meters

[00:48:39] believed to have been constructed somewhere between 2600 and 1600 BC. How did that wood last that long? The woodhenge. Fossilized. Instead of, oh. Instead of Stonehenge, they're calling it woodhenge. Woodhenge. It's the second to be found in the area. It was discovered in January this year. Experts say it shows how the wide shared belief systems were close to communications between Denmark and England. Yeah, but why did the Danes use wood instead of stone?

[00:49:10] I don't know. I don't either. Denmark's got a lot of trees. What are these all about? Britain and Ireland have dozens of them, round earthen enclosures, some featuring stones or timber posts, like the famous one. Mm-hmm. And now there's one at the bottom of Lake Michigan. What's that all about? Here's the one from Lake Michigan. It's over 9,000 years old. Really? Mm-hmm. Wow. Stonehenge in Lake Michigan. I mean, it looks exactly like Stonehenge. Like, what was the point?

[00:49:39] It must have meant something. Yeah. But this is where the History Channel goes haywire, and then they just have like 14 people like me going, you know, it's probably like a wedding ceremonial deal. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe it was a happy hour deal. Like, everybody come to the circle at 5 o'clock. I mean, people just make shit up. Until we find some proof, just shut up. I don't need interviews with all these people. And they're all very serious people. They're not silly. Well, for my research. Oh, you don't know. He doesn't know. She doesn't know.

[00:50:09] Nobody knows. Until we know, we don't know. Here's some good news. Moving on to news. Gail King is being shot in a space. That's a good start. That's a good start. Can we shoot the rest of these morning show people in? Can she take Oprah with her? Yeah. Is Oprah going? Let's get Oprah going. I want Oprah. Katy Perry's going. Seriously. Are you kidding? No. She's been kind of mean to that veteran guy in that house, so I don't like all that. No? No. I don't like it. It's the Blue Origin.

[00:50:38] It's Jeff Bezos' thing. Right. It's an all-female crew. And I think it's his wife that's going. I think saying crew is. Oh, no. Research scientist Amanda Wynn are among the six-person crew, so there's others too. Aisha Bowie, a former NASA rocket scientist and CEO of STEM Board, and Carrie Ann Flynn, a film producer who has conducted nonprofit work. Okay, now here's the thing. I'm never going into space.

[00:51:07] I mean, if I do, it's against my will. I don't. I have no desire. I really like this planet. Totally into it. But if I were, this is what they do in Los Angeles to get you to do something. This is how the little racket runs on book and shit, where they'll go, hey, hey, there's this thing happening, and they want you to do it, Kathleen. I'm like, your question should be, who else is doing it?

[00:51:34] And then they're like, well, so far they kind of have some vague commitments from, and then they throw out names. But those people, usually I know half of them. I'm like, I'll just call them. Don't tell me this information. I'm just going to call and go, hey, are you doing that thing for the thing? If they said, do you want to go into space? I really got to see the full list of who's going. Because we could get cut off and never return. And then I have to spend eternity with Gayle King. No, I can't do that. I can't do that.

[00:52:04] I cannot do that. Nope. Nope. Hoda would be more annoying. Savannah Guthrie, at least I could say, look, could you just talk about law? I read you're a lawyer, and I'm finding that difficult to believe by your performances on the Today Show. I believe what's written is true because you're a Christian, and you're not going to lie about that bullshit. She really likes God. Let's see. She was a valedictorian. She likes God more than a lot of people like God. But that's fine. Yeah. I think it's weird on the Today Show. To talk about it.

[00:52:33] Well, I mean, would you let Lou come on and say how much he liked Moses? I mean, I just... No, that would make sense. I guess it would make sense. It makes sense. If he's Jewish and he doesn't think Jesus was the son of God. Shout out Moses. Moses was their last guy that really got him out of a bad spot. I mean, took a while. Took a hot minute. Shout out Moses. I'm just... Yeah. How about David? I mean, there's a lot of Old Testament guys Lou could shout out.

[00:53:01] If we're going to do religion while I'm trying to drink coffee and understand what a tariff is, God damn. Do I need to go get a new phone? Oh, no. I just got one. Ha ha. Already beat... Oh, I'm way ahead of the game. Boom. Um, yeah. That's who's going into space. It's a good start. They should get home. Send all the morning people. You know who I'd keep? Craig Melvin. Yeah, very nice.

[00:53:30] I love him. Yeah. And he's not excitable. Jenna Bush. Jenna Bush is great. Yep. She's fun. Mm-hmm. Um, uh, Heather McMahon, who filled in. She's very fun. Yep. Um, um, I'd bring back Ann Curry. Nate? Nobody will do that. Nate Burleson. Nate Burleson's great. Mm-hmm. Yep. Um, here's the thing. You guys want to Zoom? Do you want to Zoom? How about we Skype? Oh, you can't anymore. It's closed.

[00:54:00] It's closed. So, Skype. Skype is closed. Skype is announcing they're shutting down after two decades, and all of us thought that happened like four years ago. Yeah, it's just. I'm like, I haven't gotten a Skype invite. I, yeah. It had a weird... It's going to be no longer available. It had a weird sound. Yeah, it comes out 14... It was 14 years old. Happy 14th birthday. Didn't even live long enough to drive. Like a turkey.

[00:54:29] Skype launched in 2003 in Estonia and quickly caught on as a way to make free calls worldwide. A notable perk considering international calling or trading on traditional phones used to be expensive. Oh, my God. This is just a side funny thing. So, I'd have to go back and ask my sister or my sister-in-law or my mom. Whenever we went, it was me, my sister, supposed to be my sister-in-law.

[00:54:55] She dropped out, turned out to be the neighbor, Rose, per my mom's invite without asking me or my sister, Kate, if that would be. Uh-huh. So, it's fine. Rose is a nice lady. But, whatever. Now, it's me and Kate in charge of two 70-something, you know. Anyway. My sister-in-law's reason was good. Anyway, we went... She wanted to go to Italy.

[00:55:21] It's the only vacation my dad's like, I'm not going to France and I'm not going to Italy. He's still mad about the war. So, okay, you stay home, Dad. You just stay home. I know. I know. I was like, I don't even have time to argue with you about that. You had a childhood. No, I've been his age my entire life because all we did was watch the History Channel together. True. But I did love it. I still love it. Anyway, anyway, anyway. In 2003, Estonia launched Skype. I'm wondering what year I went. 2020. It was probably maybe 15 years ago.

[00:55:51] Rose, the neighbor from the Ozarks, brought what she called a world phone. What's a world phone? A world phone? What is that? Her husband, Earl, had quote activated. What? She whipped out. In Missouri? In Missouri. He activated it. I don't know where he got it. Wow. Earl was a very successful construction man. Fantastic.

[00:56:19] But I'm not sure he was a tech guy. And she whipped out this phone that looked like it was from Get Smart. It came out of an enormous shoebox. And I'm like, oh. We were in a train car when she did it. We had little bunk beds. And my mom goes, I would never care enough to talk to Jack to drag that shit anywhere. And I go, that's the spirit mom. That's my Hallmark mom right there.

[00:56:48] If that phone's bigger than a nickel, I'm not calling you. Good fucking luck. Hallmark mom. She's an anti-Hallmark mom. And apparently it was free. The Skype saying free calls is what made me think of it. My sister and I laugh so hard. But she's, because Rose was older than two. And she's very sweet. But like Rose wasn't really a world traveler or anything. And she's like, now I don't know if I remember the instructions.

[00:57:17] I think there was a code. Now Kathleen or Kate, would you know how? We're like, no, Rose, never seen a world phone. I've never heard of it. Never seen it. I'll give it a whirl if you give me the instructions. That's funny. Oh my God, that's funny. Pittsburgh. And then it would go, beep. And then you'd hear.

[00:57:48] And I'm like, here's the other thing. Earl was real country. Earl doesn't talk anyway. Earl's a man of like three words. Are you alive? Yeah. You hungry? Nope. I love you. You too. Bye bye now. That's how a conversation with Earl works. Hey Kathleen. Hey Earl. You gonna get your motorcycle out this weekend? Yep. Have fun. Bye bye now. Do you live in Pittsburgh?

[00:58:16] This is gonna be insane. This is such a great idea. Shout out, because I bitch a lot on here. And I drag people, some people probably down too much about shitty ideas. Because good ideas are hard to come by. And this may not be the first time this is thought of, but it's the first time I've heard of it. The Pittsburgh Steelers, and we've discussed this on this podcast. All of my Pittsburgh friends, Steeler fans, that's Billy Gardell, Bill Crawford, Steve Byrne.

[00:58:46] They are more psycho than any other group I know. And they're also more delusional than anyone I know. And I say that with love and kindness. And doing the work of the Lord. Yeah, they're like, oh man, we got Russell Wilson. Guys, he's 58. Doesn't matter, Kathleen. It doesn't matter. Okay. Mike Tomlin again. Oh, he won the Super Bowl in 1984. Guys, guys, guys, we need to shake it up a bit. That's bad luck.

[00:59:14] Anyway, the Steelers, who are one of the most passionate fan bases. There's some others, but they've announced a cruise. A fan cruise. Shut up. So, May 2026, mark your calendar. We should go. I don't know if I told a story one time at the Pittsburgh Improv. One of the servers was like, do you guys want to see my new tattoo? All the customers were gone. We were just staying drinking and smoking. And we were like, sure. She got up on stage. The stage light was still on. The one spotlight pulled down her pants.

[00:59:43] And she had tattooed one half of her ass with a Steeler helmet. And around it, it said Cower Power. And Bill Cower was the coach at the time. And I said, Angie, what if Bill Cower quits or gets hit by a bus? And she's like, I don't care. He's the greatest coach that ever lived. I'm like, ever? So much that you tattooed half of your ass as a football helmet.

[01:00:12] Like, this city, it's just the best. Let's have more beers. Anybody else got some tattoos at Steeler shit? I want to see them all. They're having a fan cruise, May 2026. It's going to feature interactive activities with many former Steeler players, including Dermonte Dawson, Keith Gary. I don't know these people. And I watch football. There's others. You're going to have autograph sessions, beach parties, group dinners, meet and greets, pool parties.

[01:00:38] I don't know why they're not having fantasy meetings of which Steeler to take. Come on. I'll tell them. They should add that in there. Yes, yes. The cruise will embark from Miami where fans will stay aboard. The Norwegian escaped for six days, five nights. Stops in the Bahamas, Mexico. Wow. This is just one of the greatest. I can think of the fan bases that would do it. The Packers would do it. The Green Bay people would do it. Dallas would do it.

[01:01:06] The fan bases that are over the top, all in. The Bills Mafia. The Bills Mafia would do it. Yep. Eagles fans. Can you imagine? No. I mean, just for the viral clips of the fighting. Totally. He said Saquon won more $41 million. What? Why did you punch him in the face? You still have Saquon. Maybe the ship sinks.

[01:01:36] This is a wonderful little story. Hold on. This would be so much fun. Well, speaking of cruises, the first ever dog-friendly cruise is scheduled for 2025, and it's going to be in November of 2025. So if you want to try to get in on this, do you ever want to bring your dog aboard a cruise ship? Now, see, I wouldn't. As much as I would love my dog, I know my dog wouldn't really. How about your cat? No, baby cat doesn't like new people.

[01:02:04] Baby cat doesn't like new situations. Cats don't like change. They like routine. I know. Yeah. Even if I go power wash the porch, they fucking lose it. They lose it. They just lose it. Maw, maw, maw, maw. They're screaming at me, and I'm like, hey, hey, hey. Look at Cedric, the stray. He's behaving perfectly. He wants more food. He just wants another little tiny thing of wet food, and he'll wander away. He buys special food for cats you don't know. I buy special food for Cedric. He likes wet food.

[01:02:34] The rest like dry food. You never know you're crazy until you write out instructions for the person watching your cat. And then I'm on, like, page 14. Chapa will only get on your lap if you put the gray blanket up. He will not jump otherwise. If you'd like to hold him, situate the gray blanket in your lap and act like everything's fine. So they want, they've got room for 250 dogs. Oh. Yep.

[01:03:03] It's being sponsored by two organizations, Cruise Tales and Expedia Cruises of West Orlando. West Orlando. We anticipate the fund will be all over social media and the press. In fact, the 250 chosen will be undoubtedly, oh, you got to enter, undoubtedly asked to be sponsors to try products to post about them. Oh, we're already monetizing this? Wow. Wow, that was fast. Yeah. It was founded by Dawn Von Groff, an avid traveler who's taken more than 75 cruises and visited more than 80 countries than her husband.

[01:03:33] She owned a computer networking firm, worked as an internal tour manager, and was a top salesperson for Marriott. Oh, maybe my friend Dory knows her. Yeah. Before forming Expedia Cruise of West Orlando. And she's the one who thought of it. And the bigger the dog's entourage, the better chance it will have to be chosen. So take a family of eight and one dog. You might get picked.

[01:03:55] Preference will be given to dogs in a group, which includes one dog cabin traveling with two or more associated cabins of friends or family without dogs. So that's what they want you to do, because they can only bring 250 dogs. And we got a lot more rooms in that. We need one dog, two people in that room, and then if you could bring two other couples or whatever. You got an anchor dog. Right. That's your anchor dog. That's how you're getting. So if you'd like to look into that, I'll put it in the schnotes. Schnotes. If you want to cruise with your dog.

[01:04:25] That sounds fun. Yeah. Yeah. I think it would. I'd like to just be a passenger on it just to see all the dogs. That was great about Tennessee Brew Works. It's dog friendly this weekend. It was a little cold, but there was still plenty of dogs to pet. Yeah. Yeah. Here's a little something interesting about Gen Z. They're not drinkers. This is money spent on alcohol by generation. Boomers. Yeah.

[01:04:53] Thankfully, I'm a year younger than a boomer. They spent $25 billion. Wow. Gen X. It's us. $23.1 billion. Pretty good. Millennials. $23.4 billion. So we're less than the boomers and less than the millennials, but not by much. Gen Z. Enormous drop. $3.1 billion. Oh my God.

[01:05:21] So they can't even blame their lack of wanting to show up at a job on being hung over. No. They just don't give a fuck. Yeah, that's a great one. A growing number of U.S. adults in the U.S. are choosing to abstain from alcohol. Also, what we don't, everybody's not throwing in here is weed is everywhere now, and they're vaping weed like monsters, but okay. Right. Which is fine. I don't care. Right. And I'm glad. It's probably healthier to smoke weed than drink. Yeah. Your liver's going to get mad at some point.

[01:05:48] They spend less money on alcohol, and they're driven by taste, health, and lifestyle considerations. Well, there you go. Go for you, as Rocky LaPorte would say. Go for you. You're not hung over? That means you don't have to buy Advil. Look at all the money you're saving. Jesus Christ. Here's two kids that got lucky. Here's two good Gen Zers. Happy for them. They got these two girls, young women, two college students.

[01:06:16] They got to fly privately for economy class prize. Two college students experienced VIP treatment on the cheap after booking an anomaly incredibly, after a booking anomaly incredibly resulted in them getting a whole Southwest flight to themselves. Cool. There's pictures of them. They were so excited. That's fun. They took pictures. Nice. They detailed their accidental fly rolling adventure into a video. It got over 4.8 million views on TikTok. We were so giddy, just so excited.

[01:06:45] Natalie said half of the deal. We were like, VIP, this is our plane. You probably wish the plane was going further. It was only going from Salt Lake to Phoenix. Yeah. Her and her bestie, Savannah, had to once in a lifetime. They were flying from Utah to the Paris home state of Arizona for Sergeant's Bridal. It's a blonde girl. The picture's really funny. While checking their bag at Salt Lake, a Southwest employee reportedly informed the students that they had, quote, chartered a plane, which they initially took as a joke.

[01:07:16] We were so confused because we thought he was just kidding because that never ever happens. However, the traveling companions realized this was a real deal after the worker turned the screen and showed them there were only two tickets bought versus 175 seats on the plane. That's awesome. Mm-hmm. The booking anomaly. They got to go, though. Now, normally you think Southwest, and it would not be a bad business decision, would say, you two can wait until the next, you know, we're not going to fly out. But that plane needs to be there because it's like the bus.

[01:07:44] It's got to go to the next bus stop. Literally the bus. Mm-hmm. Guess what a lot of the big lots are becoming? Pickleball points. Nope. Ollie's Bargain Outlets. I mean, I'm not against, I'm not against, I'm manifesting total wine. I don't want Ollie's. I don't know. Ollie's is like another dollar store. We have enough of that. I'm not saying we shouldn't have it.

[01:08:14] Well, I don't really understand where they're at mostly. I've seen them. They've agreed to acquire additional former, 40 former big lot stores and leases from U.S. and the U.S. from Gordon Brothers. The company now has acquired 63 former big lot store leases. Some big lots are going to stay open if you like it. Some of them are staying open during the bankruptcy, but Ollie's has taken in. Well, their CEO is Eric Von Der Volk. Wow. Well, Google.

[01:08:42] Oh, no, it's a U.S.-based retailer known for closeout merchandise, excess inventory, and offers a diverse range of products. It has housewares, food, books, stationery, bed and bath, floor coloring, toys. Oh, my. I just, I'm so sad. Oh, I don't want Ollie's there. No. Oh. No. How about an Ulta? Oh. A super Ulta. Right. Wait. Here's a, here's a, this is about it.

[01:09:10] This is the drug dealer's version of a redneck crime. Okay. This guy tried to put $10,000 worth of cocaine in his wig. What did you just say? Yep. This guy, he's a coke head. Get it? Oh, thanks. I'll be here all week. Hair raising footage captured Colombian cops exposing a drug dealer who had hidden $10,000 worth of coke under a wig glued to his head. He glued it. Wow. What?

[01:09:39] The 40-year-old suspect attempted to board a flight from Cartagena to Amsterdam in the Netherlands on Thursday when he was stopped by anti-narcotics police. I'm sure there was some German shepherd going, like, in his head. They cut through what appeared to mean the man's hair and scalp with a pair of scissors, peeling back the wig, revealing a stockpile of drugs. Wow. Dude.

[01:10:05] He had more than 400 doses of coke, valued at $10,000 inside 19 capsules that were, quote, camouflaged in a wig. Wow. Wow. Cocaine, which is Spanish for cocaine. Coca. The cats love their coca. All right. Wow. Wow. Wow. Oh, wait. Tiny bit of sports news, and then we're going to do some feel good.

[01:10:34] NBA ratings are very, very down. Now, here's the thing. Mm-hmm. I'm not an NBA watcher until the end. I like the finals. Finals are good. I like the semifinals. I was a jump bandwagon person with Michael Jordan and that whole era. I watched Dennis Rodman and Karl Malone, and I loved all of it. Everybody was very different, had big personalities. There's been a million reasons why our ratings down. You could go on and on.

[01:11:03] Stephen A. Smith, who I adore sometimes and hate other times, whatever, he's compelling to watch, and he's usually correct. Um, they've been, Charles Barkley says it's the three-pointers. I say get rid of the three-pointers. Just stop it. Yeah. Because it's boring. Yeah. Everybody wants to be Steph Curry. If I'm just going to sit here, or Caitlin Clark, and shoot three-pointer, three-pointer, it's boring. It's not people. That's one reason I think it is not as exciting.

[01:11:32] But you also don't have a Michael Jordan. Right. We have LeBron, but he's been around forever. He's an old term. He's an old turtle. He's an old turtle. I mean, Janice, I'm trying to think of who my nephews really like. Like, there's guys out there that are very, very good. I'm not saying they're not good. I'm just saying it's like golf. We don't have a Tiger Woods right now. He's an old turtle, too, and his leg's all fucked up. He's never going to be that again. Who's going to rise to be that next guy?

[01:12:01] Right now, no one is. Nope. So the NBA's going flat. They criticize equality on social media. It's unwatchable. NBA sucks. Used to love it. I'm not really sure why these people... All I heard was Charles' three-point argument, and I thought that was a good argument. And I'm like, yeah, ratings are down 11%. I mean, you guys got to think of something. There's also too many goddamn teams. There's a lot of teams. They keep adding teams. And a lot of games. And a ton of games. Right.

[01:12:31] This is why I'll catch up when it's closer to the end, when we've narrowed it down from a million teams. Termines, any opinions on why? I think we're not... We don't have a super-duper-duper star. Steph Curry's old. LeBron's old. Those guys are getting old. What about Bronny? Bronny, LeBron's son, hasn't quite lived up to... Do the... Contracting sign? No. Not just yet. We'll see.

[01:13:00] Maybe he'll get it together. I don't know about that. All right. I have three feel-good stories, because they all made me very happy. First one. There's a 100-year-old woman in Grand Forks, North Dakota, and she's still doing taxes. What? That's awesome. Yeah. She came to North Dakota from Norway in 1935.

[01:13:30] Wow. That's awesome. There's a... Her name's Elsie Reich. That's fantastic. We all went over... She got to go back to Norway in 1971. She's very happy about that. That's awesome. She has fresh stories in her mind of growing up in Norway in the 1920s. She said it was a lot of work summering the cattle in the mountains of Norway. Norway. This is who a lot of the Dakotas are settled by. And just remember that. That's where they... We had 12 cows. Cows we had to milk by hand.

[01:13:59] She came to America as a young girl in 1935. The plan was to return to Norway. That clearly didn't work out. We came over to stay for five years. Then World War II broke up and that was it. North Dakota became her home. She raised a family. Worked in the county's auditor's office. Picked up painting as a hobby. And since 1962 has been doing people's taxes in Grand Forks. The adding machine is her only high-tech piece of equipment. You're kidding. No. That's awesome. Yeah. She uses a pencil and her sharp mind. At one time I had about 300 clients. Now I have 60.

[01:14:29] 60! 60 clients! Wow! That's great. Yeah. That's fun. Wow. This is a Buffalo Bills feel-good. I'm a little late on this one. But it's a feel-good story about Buffalo Bills mailman Roderick Slick Rick Morrow continues. Morrow got an unexpected shout-out from Bills quarterback Josh Allen during Allen's MVP speech award.

[01:14:54] And then over a week later, a local car dealership gifted the mailman a new car. That's so great. Earlier this week, he became an internet celebrity for his wholesome, tearful reaction. He goes, Allen said it takes everybody from the equipment staff to the training room staff to Slick Rick in the mailroom to the cafeteria. So he only shouted out one specific person, but he's thanking everyone. That's so great. He couldn't believe. He goes, I couldn't believe you mentioned my name.

[01:15:23] I just broke down. I'm just an average person. But he mentioned my name on TV. I was like, oh, my God. He just said my name on national television. Good for him. Yeah, but get a load of this. He'd been taken. He took the bus every day to work for 15 years. That's crazy. They gave him a brand-new Chevy Traverse. Wow. Yeah? That's great. That's awesome. Yeah. Good for him. Those are people that are dedicated to their jobs. Very cool.

[01:15:49] So here's a little advice from a 600-year-old person. A 106-year-old woman. Her secret to living long is a feel-good deal. And then I've got to do hardly anything. And we'll do quotes. And we have a good Dolly one for the end. And we'll learn about a saint because we're here to learn. Learning the saints. She says her secret to long life is eating chocolate and partying. What?

[01:16:18] Edith Hill only moved into a care home six years ago after turning 100, says her daily dose of chocolate and partying keeps her healthy. Her favorite chocolate bar is Cadbury milk, but she admits she'll give any sweet a try, especially at Easter. She looks good. We could do something with her teeth, help her out a little bit there. She's 106. Well, this is probably in England, too. Yeah, they don't care. No. Not at all. Not really. She was a retired secretary, born in 1919.

[01:16:46] She survived two world wars and seven monarchs crowned. Yeah, she's British. And 23 prime ministers walk into Downing Street. Despite her sweet tooth, she never smoked or drank too much alcohol. When asked for the secret, it's independent, eating lots of chocolate, and partying. That's fantastic. Yep. So great. She's already received 40 birthday cards because the staff is doing that, and that'll give her something to do. That's fun.

[01:17:14] She's a lovely lady with great character and does everything for herself still. Can we, somebody, a dentist, get involved? She's still here. 106. I know, but she's still here. I'll take adventure some shit. Yeah, we'll just get you a nice little set of clip-ons. I'm just, you know. She wants this chocolate. Yeah. And a tiny bit of liquor. She has one son. He's 90. She's going to have a party for her next birthday with two singers performing her favorite hits from the 40s and 50s. Fantastic. Yep.

[01:17:44] Her niece, Ann, is 86 and said her aunt had always been very work-oriented. She likes keeping all the family news, has been very independent. Great. Yeah. Good story. I'd like to know her baseline for not too much to drink. I don't know. Not too much to drink? Yeah, I'd like to know, too. What does that mean to you? Clearly, many of us have different definitions.

[01:18:14] I think old people, though, sometimes give up on their teeth. My parents kind of gave it. Well, like my mom got fitted for this and that, and then she's like, they're too tight. They're hurting my mouth. I'm just not doing it. You're just quitting teeth. Bottom ones. Yeah. Mom, when he, one of his, one of my dad's strokes, at one point they were both talking

[01:18:40] and he started coughing and then she went, oh my God, both of their teeth flew out in the hospital room and landed on the floor. I'm like, oh my God, get it together, old people. Glue that shit in better or whatever you're doing. What are you going to do in Morgantown? What am I going to do in Morgantown? I don't know. Termite sent me a bunch of things to do. I got to go read. I haven't had time to read it, but I'm going to. Who's opening? I forgot. Oh, Andrew Stanley. Yeah. I forgot he's this weekend.

[01:19:10] He's very funny. You've got any? For DC? Yeah. Yeah. I always go to the Old Epic Grill and get oysters. Fine. Yeah. That'll be good. This is the saint you need to pray to if you need help with your cats. That's why I did it. Shout out to my cats. Oh. St. Gertrude is also for gardeners, and St. Gertrude is against mice.

[01:19:36] So when you people wonder why Catholic kids are crazy, here's part of the reason. I'm being told that this dead lady is against mice. True. She's pro-cat. Oh, good. She's pro-gardener. Anti-mice. St. Gertrude of Nivelles. Gertrude was born into a wealthy family in Belgium. Many men sought her hand in marriage because of the family estate. But Gertrude and her mother, Ida, were very pious.

[01:20:05] After the death of her father, the two women chose to commit themselves to God. Instead of marriage, which would require Gertrude to hand over the estate to a husband, they founded two monasteries. Way to go, ladies. You don't just give them the whole farm. No. Bullshit. No. They built churches and hospices for travelers on large grounds. Awesome. I never even heard of St. Gertrude. Cool. She became in charge of the monasteries. She was known for her generosity and compassion. At 30, she decided to devote her time to pray and contemplate and relinquish her role as abscess, which is boss. Mm-hmm.

[01:20:34] She's often depicted with mice running up her staff. They're said, oh, oh. They're said to be the souls in purgatory rising to heaven. Oh, God. Oh. They should have gone more in-depth in grade school with the saints because I'd have been all in. Yeah. Yeah. And then I think we should have a separate class.

[01:21:01] Was this a psychotic problem or are they really religious? You know. Right. Let's separate the men from the boys, shall we? Okay. How do you feel about this? Oh, I got to do. A couple thank yous for the quotes. So I did get some metal traveling straws. I will try them. Mm-hmm. That's from Termite Aiden. Nice. Jackalope Christmas ornament. Thank you, Edie and her daughter. Termites. Lay's iPop candy flavored pancake flavored chips.

[01:21:31] Colorado Termite Rebecca. These are from the post office. And a very nice card about the Fort Myers show from Germites, Ron and Parker. Nice. So that all came to the post office box, which I got. Germites. Germites. They're gay. What did I say? I know. Germites. Oh, I said Germites. Sorry. Germites. Here we go. This is a Snoop Dogg quote. And we're going to end with Dolly. There was one point in my career where I didn't care nothing about nothing but my music and my life and my shit and fuck everything else.

[01:22:01] I was selfish. Now I'm selfless. Oh, nice. Nice. Wow. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. And Dolly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[01:22:40] And Dolly. Poor Dolly. That's going to be a sad little funeral. Carl, by the way, if you go look at the pictures, Carl was smoking hot. Smoking hot. Smoking hot. Yeah. And I think she's pretty short. Google how tall Dolly is. She's probably like my height or something. But he looks super duper tall. But I think she's a fellow shoddy. Which means 4'10". Which means 4'10". Even I claim to be 5'1". Probably not anymore.

[01:23:09] But yeah. So he's probably only 5'9". He looks tall. Like 6'2". I bet. When I stand next to a couple comics, Ron, I come up to their waist. Yeah. Carl Dean. Taller than her. Well, if you look at the picture, at least a foot. Yeah. He was very handsome. He's really cute. Cold black hair.

[01:23:39] Met her at the laundromat. She didn't know how to do the laundry. Because she'd just come on down from the mountain. Hee-haw. Oh, he's July. He's a Cancer. He's a Cancer. Nice. When's Dolly's birthday? I think May. Is that right? We should know this. I should know this. She's a Capricorn. I don't know any Capricorns. Not that I know of. My dad's a Capricorn. I'm surrounded by Pisces. And Virgos. We're the best. Pisces, great. Virgos, stop with your anal bullshit.

[01:24:09] God damn. I mean, Libra's like balance, but you people are psycho. Psycho. Psycho. I gotta put this here. I gotta put this. It's gotta be in a line. January 19th is her birthday. January 19th. January 19th. I mean, hello. Well, so September, I guess.

[01:24:39] Libras are too. Yeah. I was gonna say. Yeah. You are. Nine months. Yeah. All right, termites. I'll see you down the road. Don't forget next week. All the tickets. The presale is Wednesday. And it's free. You just put the code. It just means if you want to try to get tickets faster than other people. There's no charge for it. No. People get so confused about all that. And I understand it can be very confusing because sometimes the venues put their own code. My code is day drinking. Mm-hmm. Is there a gap there? No. Space? It's a code word.

[01:25:09] It's a code word. Yeah. It's just one word. See? I confuse myself. Yes. Oh, my God. That's a snort. That's a Bigfoot snort. I know. It's annoying. Tuesday morning, 7 a.m. Tuesday morning, 7 a.m. is the announcement? Central. Central. Of what cities?

[01:25:36] There's a lot of what we would call marquee cities that I've saved because I've been doing my outreach program and going to Cedar Falls and maybe, you know. Morgantown. Morgantown. Let's see. I've only been there once in my life. I did a college gig there 100,000 years ago, and I liked it. I remember that. But I don't remember what I liked. Makin. Makin. What's going on, Adam? Just get a little bit out of Atlanta. Makin. Go on down. See what's going on down in Makin. Badamport. Did that. So, we've got some big ones coming up. There's going to be a lot of tickets to sell.

[01:26:06] People are going to yell at me if I don't. So, buy them. Oh, shit. I didn't mean to hit that. Sorry. We don't want to end a show like that. No. Night, night, tour. It's fire, fire, fire. Fire. Fire. Fire.