Episode 210: Nantucket Bans Pickleball, Cowtanking, & The UK Runs Out of Guinness

[00:00:08] Hey everybody, it's me, Kathleen Madigan. Welcome to Madigan's Pubcast. You grab yourself a drink, pull up a bar stool, and let's talk about what's been going on.

[00:00:18] The TV should be performing at a benefit I'm gonna tell you about for the fires. Guess who else is gonna be there? Lindsay! No!

[00:00:40] Yeah, it says Fleetwood Macs. Lindsay Buckingham, like he's not even, they felt the need to put Fleetwood Macs in case people, I mean, I know who he is, like you should know who he is, one of the greatest guitar players. Well, for the children, maybe it's for the children. For the children! Do you think they'll play together? Even for the fire?

[00:01:05] Well, who's gonna go second? That's always an ego fight. I am never involved in that fight, by the way, I always choose to go first. If possible. First one on stage, first one at the bar. That's how I look at it. I don't need the ego boost of I'm the headliner, you're the headliner, who gives a shit. Go do your time and have fun. I think she will, I think they'll both fight about it. That's why they can't be together. One won't ever yield. They'll offer it. That's what's gonna happen.

[00:01:34] They'll offer it to her and tell him what spot he's got. He's gonna see the lineup on the paper backstage and go, excuse me, this isn't what we had discussed. Yep, too late. Yep. Yep. Stevie's not even here yet. Yep. She's not going on till midnight. Anyway, I'll tell you about that a little bit. What are we drinking? A beer from Broken Bow, Nebraska. That's a sad name of a city.

[00:02:01] I don't know, but if you, if your bow broke in Nebraska, that was a sad day for you. I hope you had another bow. But I do like the name Broken Bow, Nebraska. It's called Kincader Brewing. It has Sasquatch. Oh, they have a runza. Who has a runza? Broken Bow. Broken Bow has a runza? Oh, they have one. That's the sandwich place. There's a silent there. It's a big one.

[00:02:25] It's a snow beast. It's supposed to be Sasquatch, but I don't think Sasquatch could survive very well in Nebraska unless you went to the northwest corner where there's actual woods and stuff. It's pretty flat. He wouldn't have a lot of places to hide. In the corn. Hide in the corn. Well, is he taller than the corn? Yeah, they can't.

[00:02:46] So that's what we're drinking. What are we going to try? It's three and a half hours heading west. It has to be. Northwest? Straight west. Still pretty flat out there. I'm not seeing. I was shocked. I went to Valentine, Nebraska one time to do a casino in the Sioux Reservation. And there are actually hills and it turned into something that didn't seem like Nebraska. I mean, it was beautiful.

[00:03:14] I went cow tanking. Yes, I got in a silver tank with my old agent Jackie and her kids and her husband. And you get in a cow tank and they just launch you in a river and you go. And then there's a beach halfway through and all the cow tanks bang into one another that we get out and have a picnic. It was fun. Yeah, picnic meaning bush light. Cow tanking is a thing. I don't know about the South, but I know the Midwest. It's a thing. Oh, really? It's become a thing. Yeah. Like lots of places?

[00:03:42] Well, it'd be like, well, a fancy version would be river rafting. We don't have the rafts. We have a cow tank. Oh, wow. I bet you could get a raft. Well, I maybe could. Yeah. Amazon goes in. We're going to taste some crisscross pretzels. These are from Omaha because that's where I was. I can't even open it. There we go. What is so let's see what what is the thing with these?

[00:04:10] Artesian. Oh, the ranch. Oh, and they're spicy. Oh, my God. So many things hitting you at once. Holy shit. Wow. I'd like to see him give these out on an airplane. Would you like a snack? And then don't tell people. And then they're like, can I have a drink? Wow, they're really hot. I can't do that hot. No. Good try, Omaha, but no. Well, what are you going to do? Here. Sioux City, Iowa.

[00:04:40] Because I was in Iowa, too. This is apparently famous there. The King Bling Candy Bar. It was started in 1923. I do not know what is in the middle of this chocolate. It's pink. It looks like taffy. Name it up. Well, the outside's really good. Inside? Uh-uh. That's just for you, Iowa. You keep that to yourself.

[00:05:07] And then an Iowa Germite Ryan brought me potato chips at Norman Casey's. Are these the gas station? Yeah, they are. We stopped on one. Yep. Germite Ryan. My brother-in-law Matt's a Casey's guy. He'll choose Casey's gas station over everything. Really? Yeah, and I don't. I mean, it's fine. I like one. But I don't get his love for it. I think he's accruing points on gas or something. That's probably so good.

[00:05:35] With Matt, there's always a thing. I got a system going here, Kathleen. He's always like, mm. New Orleans-style cut of potatoes. Very good. Surprising. Yeah. Yeah. Casey's gas station in the Midwest. I don't think it's everywhere. Google Casey's. See where they're at. I bet they're, yeah. Get past cow tanking. Yeah. Get past the cow tanking. I have a Bloody Mary going, too. It's just that kind of day. It's like 11 degrees out. It's very cold. It's awful.

[00:06:06] And tomorrow it warms back up. But I'll be leaving. Going to where? Spokane. To the casino in Airway Heights, Washington. You want to know where Casey's at? Yeah. Where are Casey's at? Iowa, Illinois, Kansas, Michigan, Minnesota. Nebraska. South Dakota. North Dakota. And Missouri. And Missouri. Yep. Okay. So it is kind of a, it's strictly a Midwest thing then. It is just a Midwest thing. Yeah.

[00:06:35] That should be their bumper sticker. Yeah. It's just a Midwest thing. Pfft. As in the runs up. So in turn my, Jody brought me these hot sandwiches. My friend Mark Gross used to be a comedian. Well, he's still a comedian, but now he does TV shows and stuff. He's fancy. He's been very successful. I'm very proud of him. And he's very funny. Mark's from Nebraska. And he would text me, ate, when he was home back in Nebraska, he like ate so many runs as I think I'm going to vomit. And I never even heard of it. It's only in Nebraska. It's a sandwich.

[00:07:03] So if you picture a big hot dog bun that was sealed up and then inside of it is meat and cheese, whatever you want. Kind of like a hot pocket Philly cheesesteak. But then, what's his face? Michael. Michael. So, Palisac had a great analogy for it too, that it's kind of white-castly. You know how white-castle the bread gets a little wet? Oh. No, I like it like that. Oh, like that. Soft. Soft. Soft, soft, soft, soft, soft. Yeah.

[00:07:32] So she brought some backstage and we all ate them. Nice. Yeah. It was a nice treat. And now I know what a Runza is. It's a German snack from German. Runza. Runza. Here's where I'm headed. Catch me if you can. Spokane. Scottsdale. Boom. Huntington, New York. We added a second show. The 930 show. The first one sold out. Durham. February 7 and 8. That'll be great. Go see my old friends. Then Fort Lauderdale. Fort Myers.

[00:08:01] There's Davenport, Iowa. Pryor Lake, Minnesota. We added a second one there, too. It's going great. Morgantown, West Virginia. I haven't been in forever. I'm excited. D.C. The Warner. I'm going to say. Macon, Georgia. Let's get going there, huh? South Carolina. Charleston. Added a 5 o'clock show for you early birds. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. Why not? Fort Collins. What time do you get in the shower for that? For a 5 o'clock show. That means I'll have to be there at 3.30 for a sound check. I know. It's a little.

[00:08:29] I only did it because I normally. No. No. You know. Here's the problem. It's an old saying, but don't ever give an Irish person just enough money because we're fine. We don't care. Like, it's fine. So adding shows, just, you know, unless it sounds right, I just go, nah, just leave it sold out and we'll get them next time. You know what? Yeah. But I love Charleston, so I did it.

[00:08:58] You won't get to see it. You'll be in the shower. I know I won't get to see it. I'll be in the shower at fucking 1 o'clock or some shit. Fort Collins, Colorado, Colorado Springs. The rest of the dates are on the website for the 2025 day drinking. What? What? What? I don't know. All right. Let's move it. There is so much shit to go over. Doesn't it deserve?

[00:09:25] Well, I think it should get a snort like Bigfoot. There you go. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Let's start with where I went. Omaha. Where have you been? Omaha downtown. The Spaghetti Works. I just love that place. It's old school. It's very basic. Like, pick your...

[00:09:53] The salad bar, though, is all Midwest. I mean, there's Jell-O salad. All this shit. You're like, I remember that. I remember that. Jell-O salad. Jell-O salad. Wow. Yeah, with the whipped cream, the whole nine yards. It was very cold in Omaha, though. Except when I got there, it was like 45. And then in two hours, it went to zero. It was very, very cold. And all I think of, driving a car, both hands, because they're 25 mile-a-round winds on those flat highways. There's no mountains to block it.

[00:10:23] And the car was shaking. How did the Wagons, the Pioneer Wagons not just flip the fuck over, flip all the way back to North Carolina, where you should have never left anyway? I think about the Pioneer people way, way, way, way too much. Cedar Falls, Iowa was next. Haven't been there in a long time. Adorable. Went to Pepper's Sports Bar to watch the games. And it was, I don't even know how cold it was there. I mean, just, but everybody came out.

[00:10:50] I mean, yeah, I don't know, 1,600 people, 1,500 people. Both venues were great. The newer one is in Omaha. It's called the Steel House. If you guys live there and you ever want to go see a show, do it. It's like a giant hard rock. Oh, cool. Yeah. There's one in Grand Rapids that's very similar. And then they say they're building one in Des Moines. Look at the Midwest just blowing up, people. We're blowing up. Let's just talk about the football for a second.

[00:11:19] Kansas City won, and then we have to listen to all the whiners, you know, say. Here's the thing, Texas, and this won't be long. Texas, I love CJ Stroud, but you're all going to say the Kansas City, the refs are in favor of the Kansas City Chiefs. Maybe they are. I'll even say, okay, they are. Here's the thing. You would not have won anyway. You need a team. It needs to be a call where it was tied. And then the call goes too much in favor of one or the other, whoever, maybe Patrick Mahomes.

[00:11:48] But they said this about Tommy. They said it about Tommy. People get sick of people. And they're sick of the Chiefs. Just like everybody got sick of the Patriots and Bill Belichick. I never got sick of Tommy. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Don't even talk to me like that. But, yeah, so the saddest thing ever, though, were the Vikings. I was rooting really hard for Nick Schwartzen, Chris Voth, all these comedian guys. Louis, rest in peace, Louis Anderson.

[00:12:18] He loved the Vikings. And now you see people in the airport with their stuff. They don't look happy. No, and they got to fly all the way back from Phoenix, back to the cold. And they're in the warmth. And they're so sad. And they only scored three points. I mean, it's one thing if you lost in a great game. But to just go out and be broken. And trust me, as a University of Missouri fan, football, I know the feeling. You get all wound up thinking you're good. And then, fuck, we're not good. Wow.

[00:12:47] What a disappointing. Washington, Commander, shout out to my friend Louis Black. Black, that's his team. It always has been his team. And he got very mad when the Baltimore Colts left town and gave his allegiance to Washington. 140 years ago. That's how old Louis. He's mad about the Colts moving. I am old enough to be mad about the Cardinals moving from St. Louis to Phoenix. Although, I feel like I told you, Phoenix, I warned you. As long as the Bidwell family's involved, you're going to have a mediocre team at best

[00:13:16] with a couple star marquee players, and it will never come together. And I have been nothing but right. Oh! Oh! Cheers to that. Yay! Mm-hmm. R.I.P. Lions fans. I was sad about that. And Detroit. God. Broke my heart. Oh! I really wanted Detroit for the sake of the city of Detroit. Mm-hmm. And then there were like two 20-something guys. Yeah. And they interviewed them, and they're out on the street, and they're like, same old Lions.

[00:13:46] They were so sad. Oh! Tommy. Tom was better this week. He was. I still don't know that it's worth trying to save. He took some medibles. I don't know. He was just better. He wasn't quite as crazy wound up. As he can be. As he can be. He wishes he was playing. Of course he wishes he was playing. Well, and he's probably better than half the people playing. That's the real problem. Yes.

[00:14:16] When you know. Now, Aaron Rodgers? No. The Achilles? No. You're not. Tommy never had those kind of injuries. Tommy could get right back out there. Maybe the Titans will call him. And then I could. When I'm in Nashville, then I could go see that. And then when I'm in Missouri, I could go see a real team. The Chiefs. Yes. My sister has tickets. I don't know if they're going, though. It's not going to be that cold. I don't know what the problem is here. They going to the Bills game? Maybe. No.

[00:14:46] The Kansas City Chiefs against the. Oh, they're playing the Bills. Right. Yeah. I'm happy for Buffalo. Yeah. I love Buffalo. Yeah. Just sad on the Vikings and sad on Detroit. Because now Detroit, all those coaches are getting hired by different teams. It won't be the same. Nope. And if you're Detroit, you're right back to where you started from. Yep. Sad times. They already lost their offensive coordinator. I know. They're losing everybody. It's terrible. Washington could go all the way. It blew up everybody's pools. In case you're a gambler. I'm sure you're a pool.

[00:15:16] Nobody had that. Nobody had that. I lost a lot of trash games money. Yeah. What's his name? Jaden Daniels looks awesome. And I think he can maintain it. Titans have the number one draft pick. The Titans have the number one. And they'll blow it. Yep. You'll have the number one draft pick. They'll draft the kicker. They'll draft something so stupid. You know, well, we got this kicker guy out of Sweden. I don't know if you've ever heard of him. But boy, he is hitting everything from 30 yards in. Oh, my God.

[00:15:44] And then I'll get the call because I bought Titan tickets on the NFL exchange. And then this poor man has to call every Monday and try to talk me into a PSL for the Titans. I know. And now I take his calls on purpose. Just to waste his time. But he laughs. But, I mean, I wouldn't waste somebody's time if they didn't want to. But I'm like, Blake, you cannot possibly be calling with the same speech, are you? You've got to redefine your speech. Let me help you, Blake. Let's rewrite this so it's more.

[00:16:12] Because you don't know the excitement you're missing at the Tennessee Titans. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. I was just there. Nothing exciting happened. Except I got to see all the other fans, whether it's Buffalo or whoever. They're all excited. Hey, they're in Nashville. Woo-woo. Where are we supposed to go drinking? Even the Jets fans were super fun. I thought they might be a little more in your face. They were not. Lovely. I met Jetman, the guy on TV at Bootlegger's in the bar. And he's famous there.

[00:16:42] Big man. Yeah. So speaking of football, okay, I told you, a long time ago I started, it's on Netflix, Chiefsaholic. It's a documentary about the guy who dressed up like a wolf. He was a super fan. And then he would rob banks in each town, which is a federal offense, by the way. Yeah, they're not, that's not okay. And then he would take the money and go to the game, but he also gambled a lot.

[00:17:12] So that was all. So I had started the Chiefsaholic documentary. And then, I don't know, I got busy or whatever. And I forgot to finish it. Well, somebody emailed the TV mailbox and said, I don't know why you didn't finish it. You're in it. I'm like, what? What? I can't. Why would I be in this documentary? I didn't participate. Well, I am. You are? Yep. At the very end, it's me in my pool with my floppy hat on.

[00:17:40] It's from the videos that I make to say what's coming up this week. And it was an update. I was like, the wolf has been caught. The wolf has done something. I don't know what I said. But at the very end of it, they go to, okay, he's been captured and he's going to get sentenced. And here's all the podcasters that were following the story or however they phrase it. And I'm like, oh, my God. If I'd have known I was going to be in this, I'd have worn a darker color up top.

[00:18:08] My sunscreen hoodie thing was a little too light. But I have a beer. You know, woo. Right. I texted my siblings. I'm like, just saw myself. I took a screenshot of it. I'm like, if anybody wants to watch Chiefs of Hall, like, I'm not telling you where this lies in this show. You have to watch the whole thing. It was a really good documentary. I think it could have been shorter. It was a little too drawn out. We could have just spat it.

[00:18:38] They needed my friend Lorene to go edit and go, chop, chop. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. It drug a little bit. But it was a crazy story. It's really crazy. And then there's a dog, the bounty hunter guy chasing the guy, and he can't find him. It's all fucked up. How much time did he get? He got 17 and a half years. Whoa. Yeah. Speaking of that, well, I didn't know the queen news. It was Dolly's 79th birthday. Yay. Yay. Dolly's alive. Chapel's been behaving.

[00:19:08] Tay-Tay was at the game. Everybody's mad about that because they won't get showing to it. What do you care? The short ones. Well, I like seeing famous people. The Detroit game. Yes. Keep showing me Barry Sanders. I mean, granted, he's a football player. M&M. M&M. Yeah. Fine. Jack White. Yeah. Yeah. Philly, the Eagles games. The Eagles are sneaky, too. I picked the Eagles in the round thing and got extra credit because a lot of people didn't. I think they're sneaky. They could surprise everybody. It could just be Washington and the Eagles.

[00:19:38] Just saying. Yeah. Snoop. Snoop. Well, he performed at the Crypto Ball, and it was part of the inaugural thing. But I love crypto, so good for him on that. Jelly Belly's bar opened? I haven't been. I will give you a full review. Chair, quiet as a church mosque. Who's this? Oh, that's... Oh, well, let me tell you. Let me tell you what's going to happen here. Let me tell you.

[00:20:05] I wish I was in L.A. on this date, and I would do anything to see this show. This is amazeballs. You could probably be in L.A. on that date. Yes. Far, you can't be flying that far. Oh, shit. A bunch of bands are playing a benefit concert to benefit Fire Aid USA. Green Day will be there. The artists' other playing include Gwen Stefani, Stevie Nicks, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Joni Mitchell, Sting, Earth, Wind & Fire, Billie Eilish. Oh, that'll be super sad times.

[00:20:35] There was a fire. They couldn't put it out. I'm not laughing about the fire. I'm laughing. These people could take the most fun song ever. And they just... It could be girls just want to have fun, you know? I'm going to come in the middle of the night. I got to...

[00:20:57] Girls just want fun in the night. She has a good voice. I just wish she could get just a tiny bit happier. Yeah. Try an edible, like George Bush at the funeral. That was fucking the inauguration. Oh, my God. We're going to talk about that. Dave Matthews, John Mayer, Lady Gaga, Rod Stewart, Fleetwood Max, Lindsay Buckingham.

[00:21:26] The artist formerly known as... Yes. The event is January 30th at the Forum in Inglewood. Tickets are on sale now. Let's go. What night of the week is that? January 30th. I mean... Oh, it's a Thursday. We can go. No. Yeah.

[00:21:55] I can't go. I have to work that weekend. To Huntington, New York? No. To New York. No. If I was on the West Coast, I would consider it. But I'm not doing that. The day after the lunar... No, it's actually... One of my articles said it's going to be broadcast. Streaming.

[00:22:19] AMC Theaters on Apple Music, Apple TV, iHeartRadio, KTLA, Prime Video. Yeah, I can watch it. I don't need to... We love Prime Video. Not taking a red eye to Huntington to get to Long Island. It's not happening. I don't do well with red eyes either. I don't know. I think I want to be up is the problem. I've never been good at putting myself to bed. I don't follow the rules, right? I had to do it for radio. I did a two-week radio stint a long time ago with Bob and Tom. And I mean, I just...

[00:22:47] I'm not cut out for three and four in the mornings unless I'm still up. Right. Yeah. It's never been my thing. When I got a day job, I remember I asked my dad, when will I get used to this shit? He's like, never. Not if you're like me. It's horrible. I'm like, okay, great. That was an uplifting coffee conversation, Dad. See you tonight at 530. All right. Nope. Oh, I do have a little bit more queen news. This is exciting. Okay. For Dolly Parton fans, if you live in Ohio, you too can get the Dolly Parton license plate. Yes, I have one. Yep.

[00:23:17] And all of the money goes to the Imagination Library. I have one. All right. Those wanting to drive with Dolly can buy the plates on Ohio's BMV website. BMV. Each plate will help support the cutoff of what mailing one child's book for an entire year, which equals 12 books. Yep. That was just a tiny little update for Ohio. Only for Ohio people who are celebrating their national championship. You know, I do know some Ohio State fans.

[00:23:47] I know more people. More comedians, don't ask me why, went to Notre Dame. And then I'm like, and this is what you did with that degree. I mean, you can't say it to their, I do say it to their face. I'm like, I mean, my degree was kind of bullshit. Like yours was expensive and real. And you're, we're here at the Funny Bone together? Doesn't seem right for you. Seems fine for me. You're good quality. Yeah. And then they're like, yeah, but I've been a comedian so long, no one would even care about my degree.

[00:24:17] I said, oh, I've already thought that through. If you did go apply for a job and say you wanted some other job, you just tell them it was like a Lifetime movie, you fell into a coma. Oh. Yeah. Oh, right? See, you got a story for everything. Yeah. Okay, that's all the Queen news. Let's get into some updates. Well, first of all, because this will lead into this. Let's talk about the inauguration for a second. I know I don't do politics on here for a reason,

[00:24:45] because it just causes so many problems and everybody's sick of it. But just like I watch any presidential funeral, I don't care who it is, right or left or middle or whatever. I watch the inaugurations if possible because it's history, and you should watch it, I think. Yes. If you can, you know, if your person didn't win, tough shit. Move on. I got through some of that. Well, but here's the great. There's always something that's just the greatest thing ever, and this one was George W.

[00:25:16] I miss him. I never thought I did that. He was making the memes, the gifts. Patrick, my brother, was sending me these things when the edible kicks in too soon and you didn't think it was. And the look on his face. He cannot stop laughing. And nothing's happening. And Laura has that permanent smile. She just turns her head and then she whispers something like, okay, that's enough out of you. Like, he's never changed. And he still looks cute. And I know, but like I just posted it made me laugh.

[00:25:45] And people are like, he's a war criminal. We're not talking about that. I'm talking about his behavior in a situation that should have been completely different. And I'm so glad it wasn't. And he wasn't laughing at Trump. No, he really wasn't. Yeah, well, Hillary burst it out in the laughter when he said he's changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America.

[00:26:11] Every single person I know, including smart people, dumb people, rednecks, and fancy people, all of us had the same response. Oh, can you just do that? And like, is it only change on our map? And then I'm like Googling, how do maps work? I'll give Trump credit. He has made me Google more shit in my life than I've ever Googled about America or what can a president do or George Bush's behavior.

[00:26:40] It was just epically wonderful because you can't say he's being a dick. He's smiling. He's winking. He's doing his little shoot his little pistols. When he likes you, you get a pistol. I just think he would be fun to hang out with. I'm not talking about if you liked him as a president. I'm not talking about Jimmy Carter. If you liked him, I'm talking about post-presidency. Jimmy Carter, probably the most best example of a Christian person doing good things, kind things.

[00:27:09] Post-president, funniest by a million, George W. Yes. Yes. Yes. And I don't know what's going on with Bill Clinton's mouth, why his jaw hangs open, but we need to get like some sort, like you look like one of them old hillbillies sitting on a porch with corn cob pot. Do you not feel that? Sounds like he needs hearing aids. Yeah. It's straining to what y'all doing. What are you doing over there? You sneaking something? What you talking about? What are you doing?

[00:27:39] Anyway, historic day and update. Trumpy's not kidding around. Day one. Update on who? Our shaman, who we've talked about so much on QAnon shaman. The guy went, yes, he's been pardoned. Oh, no! He says he's going to buy, and I quote, not my words, motherfucking guns. Okay. Yep. All right. Jacob Chansley, remember that was his real name? Jacob. Yeah, he liked vegan food.

[00:28:09] Otherwise, yeah, he wanted vegan food in prison. Like, his mother said he has mental illness problems, and I tend to believe you don't show up like that. You're not a gun guy. I don't understand, though, like, what's his face? J.D. Vance said we shouldn't let people who are violent be pardoned. I do agree with that. If they weren't violent and they just followed a crowd, okay, fine, let them out. But people who attacked a cop, I don't see how people on Team Trump can feel okay about,

[00:28:38] because they're the ones that are very, very, very, very pro-cop, which is fine. But I don't understand. I'm not sure he hit people. I'm not sure what he, I forgot. He prayed. He's going to buy some guns. I just got the news from my lawyer. I got a pardon, baby. Thank you, President Trump. Now I'm going to buy some motherfucking guns. Love this country. God bless America. Okay. Everything done in the dark will come to light.

[00:29:07] What's that mean? Guns and tofu. 1,500 people. Is tofu vegan? Is tofu vegan? I think so. Huh. I don't know. I don't know if I said it. Tofu vegan. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think he hit people, you know, whatever. Fine. You want Jacob to be out? Let's let Jacob out. It's vegan. It's vegan. Tofu is, well, neither one of us would know that. Yeah, there's a coagulant in it. There is some sort of coagulant.

[00:29:36] I don't like it because it looks like an eraser. I can't. I look at it and go, what? I don't know. It's not my thing. No, I've never ordered tofu in my life. I don't even know what it's in. Is it in soup? Why are you asking me? Well, I don't know. I love steak. Here's an update for the Jewish termites. The germites. The germites.

[00:30:05] Not the germites. Those are gay termites. Germites. Germites. This is very helpful. This is from Terry. She said, because we were talking about getting a tattoo if you could be buried in a Jewish cemetery. Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, that's what Lou told me. If you're ever wondering where I get Jewish information, 99% of it comes from Louis Black. So if it's fucking wrong, email Louis Black at AOL. I love that. And some of my other Jewish comedian friends. But Lou is my main source. He's my main.

[00:30:34] So this lady, she said when I was 18, my mother cried because I could know she got a tattoo. And my mother cried because I could no longer be buried in a Jewish cemetery. Watching the podcast, I decided to look it up and found this. So it seems to depend on the cemetery. See, this is the kind of research and knowledge we are looking for. This will help all germites who might be afraid their parents are going to, you know. They want a butterfly tattoo. You want a butterfly like Dolly loves? You go get yourself one. Everything's going to be fine. Go Chiefs.

[00:31:03] Is it true that if I have a tattoo, I cannot be married in an Orthodox cemetery? I'm not referring to Holocaust markings. Well, right. Answer. The Torah forbids us from tattooing our bodies. Nonetheless, one who has had tattoos can still be buried in a Jewish cemetery. So funny children. You're in. Yes. That said, every Jewish burial right has decided to act and act its own criteria for whom may and may not be buried in their blood. This stems from people's desire to be buried in the proximity to others of their choosing.

[00:31:33] So while technically there is nothing Jewish law that prohibits a tattoo being interned in a Jewish cemetery, certain burial societies, not the majority of them or even close will not bury among a person with whose. Oh, they don't want to be by somebody who's tattooed. Whatever. None of you are going to bury. So there you go. There's the answer. That's some research. Yeah. The line on Bruegel. Sad to say the brewery is closing. Line and Kugel. I know I always say. And they tried to buy it. The owners tried to buy it back.

[00:32:02] And the answer from Molson Coors was no. I know because my cousin is up there in Eau Claire and I go see him sometimes. And we it was such a great place. Anyway, that's the update. Update. Tommy Salami. It's an update. Tommy intends to continue broadcasting for Fox through the duration of the case. Agent says that's what his agent says. But is that what the NFL is saying?

[00:32:27] Despite his involvement in the Raiders head coach, he will stay in his role as Fox's number one NFL game analyst according to his agent. Well, we'll see about that. His agent has cashed that check. Yeah. His agent was already doing his 10% of $375 million and went, whoa, I got $37.5 million. Whoa. Oh, by the way, because I printed this out before. Billie Eilish will be performing with her brother, Phineas O'Connell. He'll do a lot. That's part. Mm-hmm.

[00:32:57] And then somebody said, so will we have Lindsey and Stevie in a room together? Well, here's the thing. If you do a venue the size of the forum, because I've been in these arenas for big shows, there's a million little dressing rooms. There's usually one or two main hangout. That's where hers will be in the Lakers room.

[00:33:21] That's where hers, she'll get the LeBron James suite for a sizzle when they still play there, when the Lakers play there. And the main green rooms, to me, are always the fun part. Like, there was a comedy one for this big radio station in LA. That's where Paddles went along to that one. That was fun. And you thought Edgar Winter was a man that died sitting next to a wall on a bench.

[00:33:49] You're like, I think there's a dead man out there. I'm like, nobody's dead here. Who do you think is dead? And I'm like, I walked out, I'm like, holy fuck, it's Edgar Winter. And then they go, Edgar, you're up. And he popped up like a chicken. Did he not look asleep? He did look dead. Yeah. I mean. But he's also got that white skin and like. Still hold the keyboard. And he's old. Yeah. Oh, his keyboard is like two sizes the size of him now. It's freaking shit. Yeah. Yeah. For you children who don't know, Google Edgar Winter.

[00:34:19] I think he might be an albino. Google that. Is Edgar Winter an albino? I'm still on focus. Am I not supposed to say albino anymore? I'm not sure about that. It's not like an old person. Is he an albino? No. First, find out if he is one. He is an albino. Nope. No. It's outdated. Yeah. What am I supposed to say? Super white person?

[00:34:48] You have to say a person with albinism. With albinism. Yeah. Okay. It is Edgar. That's fine. Edgar Winter. Albinistic. Albinistic. Albinito. He was born with albinism. I knew it. Beaumont, Texas. Beaumont, Texas. Well, he was still alive as of about six years ago. Oh. He's legally blind? So am I. Maybe that's why he. Well, no, I'm not legally blind, but close. Sorry.

[00:35:18] It's a funny line. Right now. Maybe that's why he looked asleep. Because he has albinism? No. He's blind. Oh, because he's blind. Well, he can't see nothing. Who cares? Well, he's also 80, sitting on a bench, waiting to go, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. It was worth every minute of it, though. I was so excited to see it happen. And then I saw Sammy Hagar walk past me, and I went, I couldn't believe it. That's the Red Rocker. Yeah, there were only like three comedians. It was mostly rock people.

[00:35:48] It's so great when it's not on us. The whole thing's got nothing to do with us. What is that here with your song? What is the name of that song? Yep. I do not know. Yeah. We can't. We can't. We can't. We can't. Well, I don't know. For the children, you will know the song if you hear it. They play it at all kinds of shit. Frankenstein. Frankenstein. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And then. I've done that. And then Tobacco Road. Enough. And Tobacco Road. Well, speaking of music, update! The Sphere.

[00:36:18] Guess who they've signed up now in Las Vegas? Tay-Tay. I'm gonna give you. No, no. Tay-Tay's not doing that. Too small for her. Too tiny. It's a pittance. I'll just give you a hint. You don't need any shoes. Kenny Chesney. Nice. He's gonna headline The Sphere. And it launches May 22nd. So if you're a No Shoes Nation person.

[00:36:49] I've heard they're fun. I don't really know what he sings. I don't know. It's not really. I'm sure it's fine. It's not really country. It's not really country. It's like beach party music. Didn't he take the mantle from Jimmy Buffett, kinda? He kinda yanked it away. Oh, he yanked it away. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Update! Normally, these kinda stories get blamed on the children. This time it's not the children.

[00:37:18] Two women have been arrested after climate change protesters spray painted over the grave of Charles Darwin inside Westminster Abbey. Wow! Where is security? You know what? I don't know how you stop it. Why are we letting people in? You know, are you gonna let them in? I'm sure. I mean, all the churches I've ever been in, in Europe, I always had a backpack and walked right in.

[00:37:46] Are you gonna make them put it in a locker so we don't have this bullshit? That will suck. But where are your lockers? They don't have room to build. You have to do that in Ireland. 10,000 Ireland? Kilkenny Castle, you have to give up your shit. Yeah. Because they don't want some freak coming in there. But that's an island and that's a whole castle. They have room to make lockers. I don't know. This is just Stop Oil. Now I shouldn't even say their names. I'm giving them credit. And these are not children. These people are older than me.

[00:38:16] This happened Monday. Last Monday at 930. They were arrested. Alice and Leah 66, a retired teacher. And Dee Bly, a 77-year-old. So we got some, I call anybody over 75 a super senior? We have a super senior involved. Super turtle. Super turtle. Really on the golf course, I call them super turtles. Yeah. Yeah. But mostly over 80 on the golf course because that involves like motion. Turtle because it's slow.

[00:38:46] Turtle because they're slow. Yeah. Right. Yeah. My parents turned into turtles and then my parents turned into tiny walkers. All of a sudden their steps got very tiny. Because I'm like, mom looks like she's moving quickly. Look at that. But it's not. She's just taking more steps. And it's an illusion. The abbey's conservators are taking immediate action to clean the memorial and do not anticipate the... I mean, they spray painted it.

[00:39:15] I'm trying to figure out what it said. But it's not. Um... We done it. We've done it on Darwin's grave specifically because we knew... Because he would be tuning into the fact in that he would be... Oh, sorry. Turning in that grave because the sixth mass extinction is taking place right now. I believe he would approve because he was a good scientist and he would be following the science and he would be upset with... As us with the government for ignoring science. Ladies, I'm not even saying you're wrong.

[00:39:45] I don't know. I don't... I flunk science. I'm out. I am out of this discussion. But to go in and wreck something I just think that has historic significance is not the way to go about it. I've said that a thousand times on here though and I was saying I sound like an old person. I don't know why they're taking this break. Huh? Update! This is a big one.

[00:40:16] And it's something else we've been saying. I do not feel the need to be right. But all this Starbucks bullshit with the new CEO and how are we going to make money? I have said the whole time, I don't understand why you're acting like this is a public library. Right! And I have comedian friends that have abused the shit out of that... Yep, I will not name names. But they're like, oh, I'm going to go do some writing. This is not your office. No. Maybe they buy one cup of coffee. It's bullshit. Or they can empty one in. Yeah, yeah. Or, I mean, nobody...

[00:40:44] I do not expect the children working at Starbucks to also be cops. Like, you can't expect them to go kick my friend Bob out. Like, they're not going to do that. I wouldn't either. Well, Starbucks is reversing its open door policy. A quote from one of the children was, it's dumb. Okay, we'll get on to that in a minute. If you want to hang out or use a restaurant, you're going to have to buy something. Yes! Yes! It is a vendor of drinking food.

[00:41:14] It's not... It's reversing its policy that invited everyone into the stores. New code of conduct, which will be posted in all company-owned North American stores, also bans discrimination or harassment, consumption of outside alcohol, smoking, vaping... Oh, I would have never thought of consuming alcohol in there until I had Fireball and a hot chocolate. And then I might have considered that. Yes. Right. All right. Let's go to Starbucks and order a hot chocolate, and then I'll bring my tiny Fireballs that

[00:41:43] are 10 packs, and they're only like $7. And boom. See? They just gave me an idea. You can't smoke, vape, drug use, or panhandle. The new rules are designed to help prioritizing paying customers. Yes. Yes. But he has a higher thing. How are you going to control that, too? Do you know how many jack straws are in there for hours? Hours. Hours. Right. Well, if you did pay $142 for your cup of coffee, you probably should get to be able

[00:42:13] to stay at least two hours. I'd say two hours. And then the people... The children are mad. But let's say I'm having coffee up there, and you come and meet me. Or, you know, Dorf comes and meets me. Should they... You have to buy something? I think, yeah. Or I need to buy something else for myself. Right. The Starbucks people... Here's the thing, though. You enjoy a farm going to Starbucks. You're going to a bar. Well... Dorf and I are never going to Starbucks. No. No. That would be weird.

[00:42:42] No. We go to Sam's and have beers. Right. It's always beers. Beers, Maddie? Yeah. That's my invitation. Yep. 16,000 stores are doing it. So just know if you go in there... And 99% of them, you can't use a bathroom without a code anyway. Right. And then the children may or may not give you a code, depending on how they feel. Right. And then in New York, half of them aren't even open anymore. Yeah.

[00:43:12] Well, they don't like... I was trying to find the quote. Yeah. It said dumb. Okay. Somebody wrote on X. One of the main reasons we love Starbucks is because of the community it has become. The open door policy. How is that negatively affecting business? It's dumb. Who's the CEO? Somebody said it was absolutely terrible and greedy. You can tweet it. Greedy. People go in there all the time to just study. Starbucks, you're already on thin ice. Way to put yourself on thinner. Right? It's not a library.

[00:43:42] Jesus. No. When did the definition of library... And there is no one in the library. Go ahead and go. There's like homeless. There's like four homeless people walking around looking for somebody dropped an apple. I mean, it's ridiculous. Update. Oh, this is really a rich person's fight. Nantucket. The island of. I've only been there once. It was just a day thing. You take a boat over and go look at it and then leave.

[00:44:11] They're considering an island-wide ban on pickleball. Yeah. They can if they want. They're considering it. They're very upset about it. It is loud. It does destroy the peace and quiet. That's what you're looking for. It does. You know what I would say to the Nantucketites? With billions of dollars? Build an indoor deal.

[00:44:41] Yeah. I mean, I know you want to be outside. There's one over here. There's one here, but it gets cold here. I'm saying, well, it gets cold in Nantucket. You should be inside anyway. Yes! You should be inside. Nobody's coming to Nantucket in December. No, well, no. But I'd like to go to Nantucket in December. I'd like to go out to Cape Cod and all that. I have a brother who has a house there. And a sister-in-law. Amy. Yeah. Yeah. And she likes it in the winter. Oh. Because, you know, there's nobody there. It's so cold.

[00:45:11] Well, it's cold, but is it any colder than Boston? No. Some days, if I check, it's the same as here. Yeah. Yeah. Holy shit. Once in a century discovery is unearthed at Pompeii, and it reveals what life was like for the super rich in the ancient Roman city. Oh, fantastic. A luxurious private bathhouse. And yes, I have booked my trip to Italy, and I'm going. Yeah? Yeah. And Pompeii is right on the way. Nice.

[00:45:41] Yep. I got to go get, my friend said to go in the morning. It gets hot to get some sort of tour going. What month are you going? May. May. Going in the month of May. Nice. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. The bathhouse of this rich person had a hot plunge pool, hot, warm, warm, and cold rooms, frescoes, and a marble mosaic floor. Wait, this is one person's house? Yeah. They said it's potentially the largest kind within a private home in Pompeii. Wow. Only the super wealthy would have been able to afford their own personal spa.

[00:46:10] That's insane. Yeah, that's crazy. It's part of that big dig they've been doing, and they just whipped. Oh, wow. My God. I'm looking at the picture of what would be the sauna, I'd say. Are you going to dig? Benchon? No, I'm not going to dig. You're not going to dig? I got other shit to do. I'll let the children dig. I got to move on. I just want to see it. I want to go on the tour and hang out. Yep. Oh, a third of Pompeii is still buried. Really? Well, they haven't excavated it yet. Wow. It's pretty expensive.

[00:46:41] Yeah, I bet it's, well, it's time-consuming. I mean, and they don't take advantage of saying, you could just get old people like me to come over there and do it for nothing. Just give me a place to stay. My back hurt. I can only do a couple hours a day, but fuck, I'm free. Right. What do you care? Yeah, my back hurts. I just can't even imagine. Like, I pulled weeds, I don't know, before winter came, I wanted all this, and maybe for two hours. Oh, my God. I had to eat, like, eight Advil.

[00:47:09] I went and got icy hot and tried to roll around on it. Like, I'm like, I don't know what's occurred, but holy shit, they found it. This is crazy. Incredible royal crown from 500 years ago discovered bricked up in a crypt after being hidden from the Nazis. Oh, cool. Yeah, very cool. Wow. A stunning royal crown is among a stash of medieval treasure discovered in a secret underground

[00:47:37] chamber where it was hidden from the Nazis. They were afraid of fascist looting, and it was finally found last month behind a loose stone using long, flexible cameras. The incredible discovery was made beneath the main Catholic church in Lithuania and includes artifacts from monarchs of Lithuania and Poland who lived 500 years ago. Can you imagine, like, finding a loose rock and then putting a camera and you see a whole full-blown intact crown? No. That's just crazy. That's very cool.

[00:48:05] One of the prize pieces is the funeral crown of Alexander Giglion, who was the Grand Duke of Lithuania from 1492, and then he was the king of Poland in 1501. What a fabulous lifestyle this man probably had. That's cool. They had 59 pieces they found, including scepters, royal orbs. Now, if you ever go do Tower of London, you can do the royal jewelry. That's part of the tour for actually like eight bucks, and you should do it. What's a royal orb? They have...

[00:48:35] It's like a... I know what an orb is, but... Well, this is a royal orb. A normal orb is just a circle, like a gold ball. This one feels different. The royal orb, at least the British one they show you in the Tower of London in the jewel collection, has like a band around it and then jewels within that band and then another band. So it becomes like a... Fabergine. Almost like a cricket ball. A cricket ball? Yeah. What are you talking about?

[00:49:03] Like a ball with seams, except those seams are jewel-ridden. A cricket ball? Yeah. I Google that. Yeah. I don't think you play... No. No, I don't even know how to play cricket, but I know what the ball looks like. Jesus. I know. Google it. Yeah. How great is this? I wonder what they're going to do with it all. They're not saying yet. I'll keep you updated. Don't worry. We're not going to let them get away with it if possible.

[00:49:33] I think it looks like that. News! Doobie Brothers announced their first new original album with Michael McDonald in over 40 years. There you go. There's one for the children. Michael McDonald is from Ferguson, Florissant, where I grew up, and I had a... All my pants always need to be hemmed, so there was this little Russian lady. She was the tailor of the neighborhood, and she asked me what I did for a living, and I was only like 24 years old, and I just started comedy. I told her, but you have to have a headshot back then.

[00:50:02] I took my own headshot at my day job at work. It's just me in my clothes going like this at the camera. I still have a few of them. And she asked if she could have it. If a headshot... I'm like, I'm not famous. You don't. She's like, you don't know what you could be. I'm like, right. Oh, she's a gambler. She put me right next to Michael McDonald. So I know that Michael McDonald's got some of his stuff hem there, too. But somebody that knew Michael McDonald, maybe his mom. I don't know. We were the only two people. Your parents gave all your headshots a lot.

[00:50:31] My parents gave my headshots out to everyone who would take one. And then my mom would sign them. She's like, they don't know. I'm like, goddamn, Mom, that's not right. That was terrible. Are you bored in Philadelphia? Are you? You want to earn a little extra money? Sure. Okay. Do you love history? Yes. You do? Yeah. Do you think you look like Ben Franklin? No. Me neither. Have an interest in American history?

[00:51:00] Do you use the term he or ye on a regular basis? Like to wear pantaloons with your finest buckled shoes? Historic Philadelphia needs... They're having open auditions for costumes, storytellers, and interpreters of history to be stationed around Philadelphia's historic park and Valley Forge. Oh, fantastic. Get on down there if you're a theater major. Come on. I like it. I was thinking those reenactors are a tad affected, though. Oh, God. Like there's some...

[00:51:28] You can do it to an extent, and now you're just... You took it too far, and it's weird. Yeah. Like you think you're that person. Yeah, a lot of them do. Yeah. It gets weird. Here's something you're going to have to go to the schnotes for or Google it on your own, but you got to go see it. Brown... There's one brown panda in the world right now. That's so cute. I put it in the schnotes. Yeah. Yeah. They're so rare, only five sightings have ever been recorded. Ever. In the history of us, mankind. It's so great.

[00:51:58] This guy, his name's Queezi. Q-U-Z-A-I. He's the only one. Are you sure? Yeah. Queezi. I don't know how you would say that in Chinese. True that. His coloring is caused by a rare genetic mutation, but I like it. He's really great. He's a little... It's a little red-brown. I kind of like it. He's the only one. He lives somewhere in California. Nepal. I mean China. Yeah.

[00:52:28] Doobie Brothers. Okay, I already did that. California. I mean China. I mean China. I was looking at an article. Okay, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Okay. Walgreens. This is a big deal. Okay? And this applies to... Target. Target. Walmart. CVS. Especially in big cities, but it is now filtering down to Nashville, St. Louis's, medium-sized,

[00:52:57] smaller cities, where they are locking everything up in the drugstore. Yeah. The razors are locked up. The makeup is locked up. Everything is fucking locked up. And here's the problem. I don't even care if you lock it up, but we don't have enough people to come unlock this shit. And I don't feel like waiting. You're just pushing me to Amazon. I can go on and get a thousand razors. And I, in Nashville, I'm very close to Amazon Distribution Center. It's almost terrifying. Like I hit buy and then two minutes later there's a guy, hey Kathleen, here's your razors. Thanks, man. That was great.

[00:53:28] Well, the CEO of Walgreens has admitted it's not working. The lockup bullshit. Yep. Walgreens Boots Alliance, Inc. Is that really what it's called? Sales declined after more merchandise is locked up in display cases to offset that theft. CEO Timothy Wentworth. Oh, so British. Timothy Wentworth said during a call January 10th with an...

[00:53:57] Sounds like a furniture company. Yes. Wentworth. Come get your weekend furniture at Timothy Wentworth. Having a Labor Day sale. Wow. There was always a guy at St. Louis, this furniture guy, who'd go, hi, I'm Brooke Dudman. Dudman, my dad's out of town and I'm going to have a giant sale he doesn't know about. And then the running joke became... Right, right. Get down here. Make me an offer. I want his ass to come home and smack you in the face, Brooke. Um...

[00:54:28] You don't sell as many when they're locked up. Uh... They asked for theft because they're trying to... Um... It doesn't matter because your customer experience is shrinking and everybody left. That's terrible. I don't have anything, quote, magnificent to share with you today. Walgreens did not offer examples of products it was putting in display when asked. Well, I could... Have you not... Well, who wrote this article? Have you never been... Hi, Mike. Mike. Have you never been in a Walgreens? I could tell you all kinds of shit that's locked up. Nope.

[00:54:55] Walgreens said sales increased 7.5% to $3.9 billion in the first quarter of 2025, which ended driving that result. 12% increase in comparable pharmacy sales. Okay, now this article is getting hard. As a result, Walgreens is closing more stores. They're going to close about 1,200 stores. Oh, my God. Mm-hmm. With about 500 to be closed in the company's fiscal 2025 year, which ends in August. The company closed 70 stores in the first quarter. Bop, bop, bop.

[00:55:25] I don't... Locking it up, it's annoying to the people that work there. I don't go to Walmart often. I don't like to support their whole model, but sometimes I have to just run by... I mean, as a matter of fact, today probably. God damn it. It's the cat food. They like the one kind, and they freak out, and it's just... Try to buy yourself. Well... I can be your Amazon. I don't make Dorf go do it.

[00:55:56] He always says, anything you need, Maddie. Okay, here's what I need. A giant blue bag. It says... I'll take a picture. I'll send it to you, Dorf. But, no, I went because somebody said there was this green makeup thing that if you have pink in your skin, it'll offset. Blah, blah, blah. The makeup shit in Walmart was locked up. It's in its own section now. I had to go find the kid, come back, and then they stand there with you, because they're going to relock it.

[00:56:22] So, this is why people aren't buying as much, because I have to, like, now make a friend and go, do you think this elf stuff will work? It says it's green, and I have super pink skin. You don't, but I do. Do you think green will offset pink? No. Yes, no. Is there anything else you like in this case? Like, I have to... It's pressure. Right. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough. It dramatically hit sales. Oh. Yeah.

[00:56:50] They were locking up toothbrushes, deodorant, laundry detergent, coffee, even milk. What? Well, you should lock up milk for me. I'm a milk monster. You are? I've never stolen it, but if driven to, I would. It's kind of crazy. Yep. I've seen it as adults. I love milk. I would give up all alcohol for milk. That's the craziest thing. Well, if that's the thing, if that's the edict, milk or alcohol, pick one. I've got to go with milk. I'll learn how to eat edibles or something, and then I'll have edibles.

[00:57:19] I am not hanging out with you on edibles. With milk? No. Well, you don't know. I don't know. Oh, you stare at me on the back. Well, no, I only did edibles once, and Ron gave me. He gave me too much, and I just fell asleep. It was stupid. It was totally stupid. They're closing a dozen in San Francisco. These are Walgreens, Oakland. Walgreens in Richmond. I mean, I don't know. That's crazy. Yeah. Well, people really just need them as a pharmacy.

[00:57:46] So, I mean, if you talk about what do we need out of Walgreens or CVS, the rest of that stuff's peripheral fun. To me, fun. Always fun on the road. If there's nothing else to do, let's go to the drugstore. Fun. All right. But the children probably don't feel that way. No. A target. A child at the end of each aisle in Target. They're by UCLA. With the keys? Yeah. And they're going to unlock shit? Yep.

[00:58:15] Well, look at how many people you had to hire now. Exactly. Is the theft worth that? That I don't know. So, let's say we're paying Cindy Lou. Cindy Lou. Just, that's the name for the kids. She's in Whoville. If we're going to pay, she lives in Whoville. And if we're going to pay her whatever, I don't know. I don't know what minimum wage of California is anymore. But the amount she is going to make all day, even if I stole 10 razors, you should still, you'll make more.

[00:58:46] It's $16.50 an hour. $16.50. I was going to say $15.50. That was only a dollar off. Wow. Yeah, look at me. Anyway. Yeah. I don't know. They're all going to go down. Speaking of the children. Yep. Well, I have two things for the children. Okay. Because I don't think they'll let old people do this. Okay. Maybe. I bet you have to be younger, though. Do you want to make $45,000 a year that's fun? Yeah. Okay. You can drive the Planar's Nutmobile.

[00:59:16] Why'd you go, ew. You love the Weinermobile. Yeah. Why don't you love the Peanutmobile? Because hot dogs are cool. Peanuts are cool. No, they're not. It's 20 to 6 foot long. It's the size of my boat. You know what? Oh, that's not nice. Yeah. Saying you only got that because you couldn't get the Weinermobile. Just saying. The Peanutters, you're called a Peanutter if you drive it. That's the other part. That's kind of dorky. Yeah.

[00:59:45] But you get a benefit package that includes, it's $45,000 a year. There's three positions available. You're going on a promo tour throughout the country. Yep. A benefit package that includes travel expenses, health insurance, and meal stipends. The Peanutters will serve as ambassadors, representing planners brand at parades, community events, and grand openings across the nation. We're thrilled to announce that the applicants are now open for our fourth class. This is our fourth year.

[01:00:13] And as energetic ambassadors of our brand, our Peanutters travel countries, spread their smiles, and enjoy it to millions of people a year. Yeah. Here's the requirements. See if you're fit. Do you want to be a peanut? You have to be a college graduate with a bachelor's degree. Communications. Communications. I got it. Boom. Marketing, pub, PR, or related field. Desire to travel? Yes. Been on the road 35 years. Still on. An appetite for adventure and proficiency in nut-related puns. No.

[01:00:42] No pawpaw, whoever wrote that. No. A short resume and video. I'm describing why you'd make the perfect peanutter. Well, maybe you can be old. It's ridiculous. If I'm just saying, I think they'll probably pick younger people, and they probably should. Go. All right. All right.

[01:01:11] This is a big story if you're a Guinness drinker, which I am. Although in the United States, it's usually kind of shitty unless you can go to the one place in St. Brendan's in Green Bay, and almost any Irish bar in New York, and the Black Rose in Boston. These are places where you can get a Guinness. And the Green Dragon. And the Green Dragon in Boston. That kind of tastes like McGurk's in St. Louis.

[01:01:41] I have my places, but it's never the same. That would actually be a good dinner. Where to get Guinness in America? Well, it's just my personal choice, but it never tastes the same as Ireland. It doesn't travel well. They tried to figure out a million ways to make it travel better. It's just never going to happen. It just doesn't. You just need to go to Ireland or England and go near the brewery. Anyway, it's a little story about how Gen Z helped drink Guinness Dry, and its stout rivals have cashed in. They drank it all.

[01:02:11] Oh, God. Wow. A Guinness drinker, Goodwin, recently fell in love with a lesser-known stout he calls slightly richer, though less common, Murphy's. Murphy's. I don't like Murphy's. I don't mind Murphy's. I just like Guinness better. Murphy's sponsored the Irish Comedy Festival, Cat Laughs, in Kilkenny, all those years. And so the Guinness was free, and when you're a comic, you're like, well, I'll take the free shit. Right. Because Guinness was expensive. Yeah. So I got used to it, and I didn't mind it.

[01:02:40] It tastes very much like Guinness. It's just there's a little tweak there. I would say richer is a good description, this man. Yeah. Well, they have run out in England. They can't. Of Guinness. They said they didn't have Guinness. Thanks to social media accounts with, they've told all the children. We'll give you Guinness. You can't make this political.

[01:03:10] You cannot make this political. Well, you don't know. Arthur Guinness would roll over in his grave. Here's what I will tell you, though, about the Guinness brewery in Dublin. It was a lot better before they modernized it. I don't like the modern version. And I don't, it's too corporate. Yeah. It feels corporate. It's like brightly. Bright. No. Yeah, I don't love it. No. All right. This is kind of, this is interesting. Okay.

[01:03:40] Because everybody, you know, I've already had two friends in California that were involved in the fire situations, and I'm glad that all calmed down. But, I mean, the horrible carnet wrecking. You're already, people are already talking about moving. Like, should I stay? Especially, can you get insurance? I mean, well, here's where, this is not directly connected to the fire, but the blissful southern state where most Americans are moving. Do you want to guess? Georgia.

[01:04:10] Not Georgia. No. North Carolina. Not Texas. No. But you're close. South Carolina. South Carolina. You're kidding. No. No. Now, here's the thing. If you're not southern, that summer is going to roast your ass into questioning every decision you have ever made in your lifetime. I love it. I love humidity. I love 100.

[01:04:40] It's a good summer. Nothing better than a great summer night in the heat. I'm in. But I know that people like from places where there are, there's not a lot of humidity. It's crazy. South Carolina became the most popular state to move to in 2024, according to U-Haul. U-Haul. U-Haul does the thing. They do the annual growth. What a great way to track that. Yes. Yeah. Because then there's no lying. Right. Don't bullshit me about where you went. I got the tracker on you.

[01:05:07] The state overtook Texas, which has dominated the top spots for several years, signaling a notable shift in migration patterns. U-Haul based its rankings on over 2.5 million annual one-way truck, trailer, and moving container transactions. Wow. Who knew? Who knew U-Hauls? But I mean, they probably just volunteer. Texas held on to a high ranking.

[01:05:32] South Carolina secured first place with 51.7% of U-Haul transactions in the state involving arrivals. Do you know, so sometimes I've said I love to go to Charleston, and then I like to, if I can, go to Kiowa and golf. There are so many people from Ohio in South Carolina, the Charleston, Kiowa area. They have a whole website that says, go home, Ohioans. They hate them.

[01:06:01] And I'm like, why does everybody hate everybody from Ohio? They're nice people. And they're like, we don't hate them individually. It's just that they're all here, and every shuttle bus I got in, so if you want to go golf, they'll bring a shuttle bus around you and get in. Every driver is an old man from Ohio. You're kidding. Yep. They've retired there. I know. South Carolina is very upset about it.

[01:06:28] You'd be better going to the south weather-wise. Florida and Tennessee. North Carolina is the third most they're moving to, which is beautiful. I love it. Florida and Tennessee followed closely behind. Tennessee, great. I love it here. I love Tennessee. I love Missouri, too. I like them both. I love it. That's why I can't even say I'm bi-coastal. I'm on no coast. I'm bi-lakel. I'm on two lakes. Two lakes. Two lakes. All right.

[01:06:58] We're going to move on to my feel-good story here, I think. And then I have a lot of thank yous, which is going to be great. Yes, prepare for that, because a lot of stuff came backstage. It was super fun. It was great. People are always excited, aren't they? Yeah. Oh, I forgot to say, too, what we were watching, Termites, if you want American Primeval, if I'm even saying that word correctly.

[01:07:25] It's another Let's Go Out West in a Wagon show, which I can't get enough. You can make $9 million and I'd watch them all. It is so good. I don't know anybody in it. There's no famous people. It's season one. I watched them all. They talk about the Mormon militia and the Mormon murders. And everybody kind of stays away from that. Yeah, they do stay away from it, because I'm sure that Mormon church, with all their money,

[01:07:52] will come knocking at your door going, you know, are you sure you want to say that? Because we're going to sue your ass off. And then, really, I just watched football and all that. I'm so sad football is going to be over. I had to move the apps off my home screen. Oh, sad. It breaks my heart. I see that app for fantasy football and the little blue around it. And, vroom, sleeper, that's the other app that the nephew, vroom. I can't look at it. It's heartbreaking.

[01:08:21] This is Jay Leno. It's a feel-good story. This is why I love Jay. And the thing about Leno is I always felt, and I did not feel this way about many other late-night hosts, and I did all of them. There wasn't a lot of comedians who could do both, and I could do Letterman and Leno, but I also did Conan, Craig Ferguson, all of them. Did them all.

[01:08:50] Leno was the one, well, Craig Ferguson, too. The two of them, I would say, that felt most like a stand-up comic, like a road comic. They knew every gig. They had actually done all that. Well, Jay's still doing it, falling downhill. By the way, somebody said to him, he goes, somebody said, you know, when I fell in the Pennsylvania, it was a mob hit. He goes, what do you think the mob would have to gain by throwing an old man off a cliff? Nothing.

[01:09:20] But that's what I like, Jay. He makes fun of himself. He knows he's 74 years old. They're throwing a 75-year-old man. What the fuck? Only Jay would own a fire engine. He owns one, and it's from the 1940s. Oh, my God. I saw that when he did something. But he's been driving it to relief sites, but he stops and picks up hot food for everybody. That's awesome. Yeah. He's a good dude. Well, and he really likes L.A.

[01:09:50] Like, he's had a lot of fun there. Like, I liked her most of each, but then I just thought it got too crowded, and I've got to get out of here. I can't. Yeah. I got really mad. When you're in a snap point, there's always a thing, and it can be the smallest thing that makes you just advice from a cat. And it took me 35. When there's a snap point.

[01:10:16] When there's a snap point, well, it can be the smallest thing that will make the snap occur, and it doesn't seem equal to what actually happened. But I remember I drove down Santa Monica Boulevard, and it took me 35 minutes to go three miles to get to AutoZone to change a windshield wiper, which I couldn't even figure out how to do. And thankfully, the nice Mexican girl that worked there came out and said, oh, I'll do it for you. He's no problem. And then it took me 45 minutes to get back to my house, and I went, I'm leaving. I'm moving. I'm not doing that.

[01:10:45] It shouldn't take fucking 35 minutes, 45 minutes to go get a goddamn windshield wiper. No. No. Well, Jay chose to stay. He volunteered all day Sunday at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena. He's visiting many other locations. He said they were getting box lunches, and he thought that might suck, so they went and got, he got $21,000 worth of barbecue. Holy shit. Yeah. And unlike, oh, by the way, Meghan and Harry. Oh, we gotta talk about that.

[01:11:15] Well, you guys know I'm obsessed with what, because I've seen Wallace Simpson and Edward, and we're watching the same movie. It's even worse. It's bad. Because at least Wallace and Edward, well, they had that Hitler thing they shouldn't have done. That was a bad idea. Don't go palsy-walsy and around with Adolf for a photo shoot. Super bad. Meghan and Harry haven't gone to that extent, but Vanity Fair released the hounds and interviewed

[01:11:44] all these people that say Meghan's a nightmare to work with, and Harry's just kind of a dim-witted thing that sits there and doesn't know why they're doing anything. But here's the bigger point, and this I do know from being in LA for so long and having publicists and agents and managers. There's like five big agencies. I don't want to brag, but I'm with one. Boom. Boom. I say UTA is the best. There's William Morris, the one normal people would have heard of all these. Shout out to Heidi and Nick. And Bronson. And Bronson. Yeah. At UTA. It's the best.

[01:12:14] And Francesca. Let's not forget about- Franny. Yeah, Franny. The children. The children. The children are the ones doing half the- They're doing a lot of the hard work. And Maggie. And Maggie. Yeah. Wonderful. Anyway, when your agency is sick of you, I have never been this famous, but I know about it. I feel like William Morris is over it, but then the problem is every other agency, because they all talk, they all go have little drinks and this and that.

[01:12:42] Nobody else is going to want you if you're a pain in the ass. No. For the article to go, for the article to be in Vanity Fair that was in there, that is very negative. Crickets. That means her publicist either didn't have the power or gave up and also wants to be fired. And William Morris, because those phones are going to be ringing. Oh, somebody's going to have to take a beating for that. Somebody's going to have to.

[01:13:06] It's just, I haven't read, I read parts of it and it is not flattering to the Harkles. No. No. The Harkles. Harry and Meghan Markle. I'm not the, I didn't make that up for the record. I don't want to be a hack. I've read that a million times. There's a lot of Twitter sites that call them the Harkles and I like it. That's fantastic. We have to call it X. Yeah. I'm not calling it X. The vice president said we have to. The vice president said I have to. J.D. Vance.

[01:13:36] No, Elon Musk. Elon Musk. Thank you. Elon totally did a Nazi salute and then said, oh, I'm so tired of everyone's like Hitler. That is the exact definition of gaslighting. I just saw you do Hitler's salute and now you're going to tell me you didn't do that. Fuck. What? Canada is not open. I think Zuckerberg and I think Elon could actually be aliens and I'm not kidding. Like I'm not trying to start a weird bar conversation.

[01:14:06] You're a cat just farted. Baby cat. Baby cat. She came up here early. She was very excited about the place. She likes the pup cats because it's a different place for her to sit and I'm here so she'll stay. The minute I walk down there, she'll leave. And she shouldn't. She should keep the whole place for herself. It's for the children. She's gas. So Jay is driving around in a 1940s fire. He's a good dude. Yeah.

[01:14:35] He's like, yeah, I don't know how you're going to rebuild from this, but we'll get to it. We always do. We always do. A little bigger than normal. Mm-hmm. But good for Jay. This is after having his whole left side of his body and his face basically cremated from falling down the hill. Or as some people would like to believe, the mob threw a 74-year-old man down a hill to, quote, get your money back.

[01:15:04] Meanwhile, Mr. Leno has a car collection that's probably valued at Christ, I don't even know. $20 million. Five, I was going to say $200 million. And you think, oh, that's what the mob's up to on Wednesdays. Let's go follow Jay Leno to a, he was at a Hampton Inn. Yeah. I mean, God. It's ridiculous. No. Jay decided he wanted chicken wings and decided to take a shortcut and, bump, fell down a hill. God bless Jay.

[01:15:33] A lot of people asked who the opener was. Before I get into the thank yous, it was Michael Palaszczak. He has a special on YouTube. It's very funny. Go check him out if you want to do that. I always like to say when I'm in Iowa, I forget they have pull tabs. And then I see the pull tab machine. It's like lottery tickets, but they're not lottery tickets. You pull a tab and then you got to make shit match. And boy, I bought a ton and it went shit. No? No. I've never had good luck on them, but they're fun in a bar. Yeah. They're really easy. You don't have to scratch.

[01:16:04] You don't have to scratch anything, right? Just pull it. Yeah. Pop them on. Yeah. I don't know if we have them in Missouri. I never saw them as a kid. And God knows my parents would have gone to the machine or given me money to. Ask the termites. Termites. Are there any in Missouri? Omaha. We do these thank yous. Oh, thank yous. Yeah. Yeah. Canada Dry and a bottle of Jack Daniels. That's from Termite and Barbecue Queen Nancy. Because they drank, they went to the barbecue things and then Canada Dry and Jack Daniels. Pretty good. It's really good. Yeah.

[01:16:33] I'm not usually a Jack Daniels person. A little too sweet. You live in Nashville. I know I live in Nashville half the time. But half the time, I'm in the Ozarks. Moonshine. Bush Light. Bush Light and Moonshine. Local beer. Some Cornhuskers koozies from Alice. Alyssa. Sorry. Oh, she's the architect student. There's so many children doing great things. And I met a kid too. Backstage.

[01:17:03] I posted her picture. She's so cute. She's adorable. I love her smile. Yeah. And only in Nebraska or Iowa would they tell you they did extra chores to get some more money. Like, I won't go into it. But I was just like, you could just have a t-shirt. Yeah. I don't need this money. But, you know, she was just the cutest. I like it when a teenager comes with their parent because that means their parent's cool enough that they were like, she's going to cuss some. She was 13. Right. And I am cussing. Not like a lot. But. You got a shout out to little brother. That's my.

[01:17:33] He didn't get to cum. Oh, the little brother didn't get to cum? No. What was his name? I don't know. We don't know? No. Oh. Oh, well. Maybe next time. Shout out to little brother. He might have been too little. At what age can you not. I mean, my nieces and nephews have grown up around all of us cussing forever. I don't. It was sold out. I think they only had two tickets. Oh. I think he got a shout out. Catherine's little brother. Yeah. That's who came backstage with her mom. Yeah. Cute. Pickleball Cat Dog for Baby Cat. Hand warmers.

[01:18:03] Local beer. Candace and Ryan. Taste the Nebraska food box. That's got the Dorothy Lynch dressing. They love it. I don't get it. It's fine. It's a weird. I think they get addicted to it. There's probably an addictive quality in there. She brought all kinds of stuff. I'm termite. Meg. Oh, my hand carved Irish Santa. Look at this. First, I was like, what is this? That's beautiful. But now I love it. Yeah. He takes a minute. You got to get used to him. If you YouTubers, you can see it. Yes. Magical. This was termite's Greg and Mel.

[01:18:33] They handcrafted it. He looks like Dumbledore. I know. I can't wait for next holiday season now. I want him on the mantle. He'll freak people out in a great way. Yeah. It's weird looking. Yeah. In a great way. Now I want to go see if they have a website or something. They do other. Tell them to write. I will. Yeah. That's Greg and Mel. Yeah. Nice. Omaha people. The come and go gas station things. I mean, I gave it to my LA friend. And he couldn't even believe there's a gas station called Come and Go. And I'm like.

[01:19:01] You can go one downstairs and I'm going to take it. I know. You can take it. Because I see him all the time. I don't. I don't. I know it's the juvenile joke. Ha ha. But then after a while, you just get used to it. You don't even think about it anymore. But I love that my friend Andy couldn't believe that A, it was a name. He's from LA. And B, I was going to let him have one of the koozies to go. That was Termite Alley. The welcome banner. Who gave it? Termite Alley. Nice. Yeah. Cool.

[01:19:32] Welcome banner from the artist M.E. Like me. Me. Me. Nice. Healthy snacks and hydration sticks for the road. From Termite Terry. Nice. Cat toys and greenies. Boom. Greenies. I've got to put. Oh, baby cats just woke up. Yeah, she knows. That's her. Termite's Angie and Dean. Cool. Dean. Deenie. Deenie. Dean. Deenie. Oh, no. Homemade cookies. Unknown tournament. Chapo has eaten so many greenies.

[01:20:00] The guy on Twitter that wrote me a long time ago saying, careful of those greenies. They catch up with you. He's gotten too fat. And it's my fault. It's my goddamn fault. I'm not going to let. I'm not going to make him go on a diet until it gets warmer. Come on. Nope. He's so fat. He's going to need that fat. He likes to be outside. He wants to be outside. He needs his fat right now. He looks like a panda bear. I'm not putting him on a diet now. I know. I sent a brother. He was sprawled. I pictured my brother. He goes, Jesus. How fat is that cat? I'm like, his body's not bigger than his head yet.

[01:20:30] That's when they've gotten too fat. I go, but he's on the verge. That's ridiculous. I know. And then he goes, yeah, I know. They like the greenies and then he won't eat his normal food. And somebody asked how Cedric was. The all black cat who's super scruffy and I feel terrible for him. He very much needs an eye lift. His eyes barely. They kind of open. He's wonderful. And he's found the heated house. And he goes right in it. And he goes in with Kato. No, there's no fighting. It's wonderful.

[01:20:56] If Cedric gives these cats fleas, though, I'm going to have to chase his little ass around and get them deflead. I think they're getting dirty in there. Cedar Falls, Iowa. Then we're going to get out of here. Casey's chips. Oh, chapstick. I got so much chapstick. It was Germite Ryan who also wore his Walter Mercado t-shirt. Really, you had to pay attention from the very beginning to know about Walter Mercado.

[01:21:25] And if you've never heard of him, you should go Google him. He was fantastic. Ray Gun, Iowa Koozie's. Ray Gun, my favorite store in the Midwest. There's one in Des Moines, one in Kansas City, and one in Omaha. And I'm not sure. I think there's a fourth one. Everything in there is a Midwest joke. Some of the shit is so funny. And then there was a local Omaha store that had the funniest Nebraska shit. But you only really get it on the deepest level if you're from those states. But I think even if you aren't from there, you'd get it like,

[01:21:54] one church has had a piece of corn and it said Nebraska. It's truly not for everyone. I'm like, no shit. It's fucking two below zero outside. And there's homeless people. I don't know. How do they not die? I'm trying to get a cat inside and nobody's getting crazy bob inside. Magnets from Termites Jamie and Andrea. Oh, some Mulberry Gin. That's right. Caroline.

[01:22:22] Termites Caroline and Jim on a three-year-old Jameson. I'll take any Jameson you got. No. Oh, that's even better. You named your child Jameson? Yeah. That's fantastic. Wonderful. Three-year-old Jameson. My other one, I'd name my first one Jameson, and my second kid would be Pickleback. If you don't have a Pickleback with your Jameson, you're missing out on so much deliciousness. We're almost done. Local beer, Bigfoot pin from Zach. Playing cards, stickers.

[01:22:52] Oh, yeah. Dubuque, Termite, Dana. Oh, that's Dorf's friend. Yeah. He grew up. He lived with people. He did that hockey thing where you go live with random families and all that. It's called a travel team. It's called. No, no. It's not a travel team. It's when you live with them for, like, the year. They're billets. Billets. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. It happens a lot. I can't imagine housing dwarf. It's just, there's like, it'd be like a squirrel in your basement. That's all you'd hear is, he never stops.

[01:23:22] He never stops. That should be a reality show. Housing dwarf. Housing dwarf. Iowa beer. Tated chips. Termites, Laura Lee and Kelly. Both teachers and sue a nurse. Greenies from Ruby Cat from, these are from UPS, the post office. And sock. That was from Termite Kate. Thank you. Thank you. Just because Chapo's fat doesn't mean the other two are. They're not fat yet. No. He's fat.

[01:23:51] Rum's in New Jersey. Termite Catherine sent funny socks to him. So that's all we got on that. And then I'm going to do some quotes and we're going to go back to our little lives Termites. Gosh, I hope you watched everything this week. If you want it for fun, if you just want to see funny stuff, put in George W. Bush at the inaugural thing and look at all the videos of the memes and the stuff people wrote. People are so funny, just the general public when they want to be. You don't have to be a comedian to be funny. It just, God damn.

[01:24:20] I could have spent hours doing that. I had to stop myself because I really did have shit to do. In honor of Stevie performing, let's do a Stevie quote. Oh, this lady made this book. It's hard. Um, all right. Don't be a lady. Be a legend. That's right. I like it, Stevie. Stevie. Now let's turn our thoughts to the queen.

[01:24:49] Oh, God. Oh, look at you naysaying. This is potential practical advice. No, it's not. How to lead one's life with class and refinement. Oh, the queen on herself. This is what she said about herself. I like it. I have to be seen to be believed. Whoa. Mic drop. There were these people before she died.

[01:25:18] And believe me, as an Irish person, I understand the history and I can't say I'm the biggest fan of British royalty. Thank you. Yes. Um, however, she seemed, she had her moments as a nice little old lady. Well, you should watch that show and then you have a little more empathy for her. Watch the crown. You have a little more empathy for her. She did get stuck in the gig. But also there was just, you know, how they felt about the Irish. Yeah. Whatever. Let it happen. Whatever. Right. The only reason, well, I should thank her though.

[01:25:47] The only reason my family is here is because they got kicked out of Ireland for hunting on the king's land, which was a British person's land. Um, anyway, anyway, all that is set aside. This did make me laugh. This was like two, two, three years ago, maybe post COVID, but she was still kind of healthy. That she was just walking around her property, which abuts to like the village at some point. And these people were like, oh, Hey, could you take a picture? You know, some of the children.

[01:26:16] And she was like, of course, but she had her, it was raining and she had her little hood on or whatever that thing is. Right. And so they were like, oh, so I think we're kind of close to, it was not in town. It was at Windsor Castle or somewhere out, or Scotland, one of the castles. Belmoral. It might've been a Belmoral. I think it was actually now that I think about it. And they were like, oh, so do you ever, um, you know, I heard the queen kind of live somewhere near here. Like, do you ever get to see her? Occasionally. Stop it.

[01:26:45] So she hung out with them and took a walk with them. And then at the end, she's like, we should have a photograph with me. Oh my God. And she did it on purpose. So they got home. They came all the way back to America, United States. And then people were like, holy fuck. What were you doing hanging out with the queen? And they're like, what? They did not know that was her. And she said it was fun for her, just occasionally, to be a normal person. Can you imagine even saying something like that?

[01:27:14] It's so quaint to be normal for 10 minutes of one day, of one year. Of one year. One year. Anyway. All right, termites. I hope every... This weekend. Yes. I have a five and a half hour flight. Which I don't mind. Sometimes I like a longer flight. Like, sometimes it's hard to jump on these hour ones. I've had long underwear on since last Thursday. I'm not taking it off. What? Yep. I wore it on stage.

[01:27:44] Yep. You're watching a little funny. Yep. And I'm not taking it off because I have to go to Seattle, get a flight, and then get a flight to Spokane, and it's cold there. Then I will be departing on Friday, me and Andy Hendrickson. He is the opening act. He is very funny if you've never seen him. I'm departing for Phoenixo, Phoenix, and doing Talking Stick, the casino. What? Yep. I'm sad my tribal leader, Wayne, Osa Janine, he's gone. He retired.

[01:28:13] But I'm happy he retired. But we have Shelly. We have Shelly. Yeah. So all's good. The torch has been passed. It's a wonderful gig. It's a wonderful casino. It's clean. It's bright. It's new. It's the food. It's happy. It feels new. I don't even think it's that new. And there you go. And then it's football on Sunday? Football Sunday? What do we got? I don't know. I don't know. I haven't gone into DraftKings. After last night's bullshit. I don't know. Yeah, last night was a lot.

[01:28:43] I don't know. It's the selection committee. Everybody knows it. This is the umpteenth college game. National championship. They just didn't. They're not great games. No. No. No. The TCU frogs or whoever those people. Horned frogs. Versus Georgia. Versus Georgia. I'm not going to keep talking about people who get bored with us. We should do a separate sports podcast.

[01:29:12] Separate sports. Yeah. Because I know a lot of people that don't care about all that. Like my friend Lorene has been watching. I don't even know if it's over. The Australian tennis. The Australian Open. Yeah. And it's been her only distraction from the fire crap because she lives in L.A. and it was around her. And I, you know, I like the finals. 26th of January. It's open. 26th of January. Oh, so it's not. Oh, okay. Well, then I got that. Good math. I like. Yeah.

[01:29:42] I like it when there's like maybe eight people left. I don't like it when there's. That's specific. Well, that's a semifinal. No. Quarterfinal. Semifinal. Boom. I don't know. Is that eight or four? I don't know. That's why I'm not paid to do math. All right, termites. That's it. Hey, I don't know. What? People are asking what to do this. Okay.

[01:30:12] Well, I think Washington's going to beat Philly. Okay. I do. All right. And I think Kansas City will beat Buffalo. I don't think you can out-coach Andy Reid. I just don't. I do too. And Patrick Mahomes. Yeah. And then I think it's going to be Kansas City and Washington. And I don't know if Kansas City's defense is enough to stop Washington's offense. Whoa. I also think Philly could.

[01:30:40] That's a toss-up for me more than the Buffalo-Kansas City game. I got a medal. Well. I had Saquon on my phone. I like you. You had Saquon on your fancy team. I like Jalen. Yeah. Saquon's amazing. And Washington, I don't have feelings about anybody because we don't even know these people yet. I like Jaden's glasses. How about that for a chick statement? I like his glasses. He's really cute. He's super cute with his glasses.

[01:31:09] He has blue. I like his. Yeah, they're blue. I like his eyeglasses. Yeah. I don't know. It's all very confusing. And I'm not even in the Patrick created an NFL, the playoff pool. I just got burned so hard by Detroit and Washington losing. I mean, not Washington winning and Detroit losing. I'll be so sad when it's over, over though. Then there's a whole month. I wonder if there's more suicides that month.

[01:31:39] About fantasy football being over. What am I supposed to do with my life? And then my friend. We'll go to Daly Reynolds Bar. Andy said he played fantasy baseball. That's why he couldn't get involved. I mean, I can't even fucking imagine. How many baseball games are there? Thousands. Thousands. No.