Episode 181: The White Buffalo Prophecy, Defending Milwaukee, & Tom Brady’s Firey TED Talk

[00:00:00] Hey everybody, it's me Kathleen Madigan. Welcome to Madigans Pubcast. You grab yourself a drink, pull up a bar stool, and let's talk about what's been going on. Welcome! Oh, hello, welcome to Hermites. It's episode 191. This is Stevie.

[00:00:29] Stevie has canceled two shows out on the road and is a band member sick. And then I loved that somebody wrote, somebody wrote, when they're getting this old, they should carry an extra band member with them.

[00:00:41] And I'm like, yeah, but would that have to be the most talented person? They'd have to be able to play drums, bass, guitar and piano. You'd have to take, I don't know, like, but what if it's Stevie? I think it's Stevie and they're not saying that.

[00:00:56] She's done a lot of shows. She's 76 years old. I don't know what these people are doing or how they're doing it. And arenas. And let me just say, there's a lot of people that are not selling out their arenas.

[00:01:07] But Queen Stevie has no problem selling out these arenas on a Tuesday. On a Tuesday. People want to hear Landslide. What do you say to that? Huh? I won't mention the names of people canceling arena shows. People are biting off more than they can chew. I'm telling you.

[00:01:26] I'm telling you. It's happening in comedy too. I'm looking and going, wow, that person's in an arena? Are you crazy? And then you go look at the seat maps and they're half full. But then they say, well, we make money that way anyway.

[00:01:37] Right. But who wants to go to a half full arena? Go to the venue that suits you. I never asked to get moved up. Never. Well, I wouldn't even go to an arena. I would go to the next size, like a 5,000 seater. No, I don't want that pressure.

[00:01:50] Because then it's going to be, you know, two weeks before the show. People are going to start hollering, Kathleen, get off your ass. No, no, no. Stay where you're supposed to stay. Yeah. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your life.

[00:02:03] We talk a little bit more about Tom Brady's TED Talk. We'll get to that. But first, why don't we drink it? Well, because I went to the Botminstven Los Angeles. Wow. What an event. Wow. It was so fun. And it was like a nightclub. It's like a party.

[00:02:20] I didn't know what to expect. If you ever get invited, party clothes are fun. My friend Heidi, her daughter was about to miss it. And so many kids. And they're so cute at that age. The 13 year boys are the most awkward thing.

[00:02:36] As soon as they put food out, that's all they did. They quit dancing. They were like that. And the girls just kept dancing. And oh my God, they have... It's just... It's very, very different than my Midwest confirmation.

[00:02:48] First of all, my confirmation, I don't have to learn anything. Not really. The archbishop comes down in his big old outfit. And then you're in a kneeler and he comes up with the giant scepter and looks at you when you're 12 and goes,

[00:02:59] do you renounce the devil in all of his ways? And I'm like, well, that's a big question. And I haven't done a deep dive. I mean, I think I do, but I can't say no. Because if I say I don't, I'm not going to get that $150

[00:03:11] I think I'm going to rake in in the backyard. And it's better... I assessed it quickly and went, I think it's better if I just agree to this, even though I think that's a very big question. I mean, I don't like the devil. Nobody likes the devil.

[00:03:24] But occasionally I want to go gambling and those are the things the devil... It's part of my enabler TV show. The devil, sometimes he's fun. Like for a minute. And then I get till it's not fun. But yeah, I don't know.

[00:03:38] Confirmations, every confirmation party I went to was in a backyard. So to be at a full on rented out nightclub was insane. I'm just curious to know what happened. What happened? Because a lot of them have to go. Oh, if you have to go?

[00:03:52] Well, unfortunately my flight was late so I missed the temple part. So I felt bad about that. There was nothing I could do about it. But I just went to the party. Yeah. What did you wear?

[00:04:03] I had on black pants from Anthropologie that I bought like six years ago and they're absolutely great. And a silver shiny like top and then a white jacket because I thought it would be freezing and I'm always freezing. So party clothes? Yeah, party clothes.

[00:04:20] It was really, really fun and all the kids were dressed up and the child's name is everywhere. There's merch, there's a sweatshirt. It's Ellie, Ellie, Ellie. And I was like, wow, I don't think I've ever been celebrated. I don't really want it either though.

[00:04:39] If I get a standing ovation, I run away. It's too much. I mean, I appreciate it but I'm not really comfortable with that. But it's also one of seven. I'm not comfortable with a lot of attention. The kids these days, I always say, oh, but they, yeah,

[00:04:55] you're giving me some attention and yeah, I want my name on a shirt and God damn it, it better be on a big screen up there too and say, yay Ellie! And then we all jump around and say Ellie. You have merch.

[00:05:06] But they have to work a lot harder. They have to learn Hebrew and then they have to read out of the Torah. Oh, I know, Lou said Hebrew school was brutal and he can't remember a word of it. I'm like speak some Hebrew, Lou, let's hear it.

[00:05:20] I know what it sounds like but I wanted him to do it. It's very guttural. Yeah, well, he said it sounds like the entire Jewish population has a sinus infection. It's a lot of guttural. But if you hear Gaelic, it sounds like that too.

[00:05:34] Yeah, so I think the Jewish kids have to do a lot more. Like confirmation, I just had to pick my sponsor and I picked my cousin Mary and then you got to pick another name so I just took Mary's. Kathleen Elizabeth, Mary Madigan.

[00:05:45] Show up, the archbishop's got to drive his ass around every podunk parish in Missouri and boom, he showed up. There we go. And then I'm at a party. So they deserve a better party because they do have to work a lot harder than...

[00:05:58] You said she's in a band. Oh, she's in her own band. They played three songs. It was great. Yeah, I mean, and videos. Oh, there's slide shows of here's the kid when they're like... And then I thought, well, I remember one time at Comedy Central,

[00:06:14] I think it was when they did the half hours back in the day, and they put together some slide show or something, so shit, I don't know. And they were like, can you ask your parents if they're... Do you have any pictures of you under the age of 10?

[00:06:27] I go, I doubt it. I mean, there's probably like a Polaroid one that came out of the thing really quick. I said, I'll ask though. And I said to my mom, I go, can you root around? Are there any pictures of me before like age 10?

[00:06:40] Call back half hour later. Nope. Then I had to tell Comedy Central no. I'm like, no, I don't have any pictures. You can't make a slide show. So then they decided because I was quote from the Midwest

[00:06:52] that my background would just be a wheat field with a silo. I'm like, I live in St. Louis too. You could have picked the Arch. How about Bush Stadium? There is a city there. I just left it up because I thought it was funny. I'm not from Nebraska.

[00:07:06] No. I'm not from Kansas, but to them in New York, it's all the same. Yep. And it made me laugh. So it was so ludicrous. But anyway, if you get invited to one, I say go. Yeah. Because I kept asking Lou and I don't know,

[00:07:20] he didn't make it sound like as much fun as I had. Yeah. And I didn't go to fun ones. The pictures I saw were good. The pictures were fun. And then they have the photo booth. I mean, it is a full on party.

[00:07:32] And the places rented out for four and a half, five hours. Food everywhere. Anything you could. Yeah. So they go all out. I felt like I was at a wedding reception, but a more fun one. And no lines at the bar. So the Irish lady billied right up.

[00:07:47] I'm like, well, because the little kids are drinking. You know, they're not. I'm like, this is a perfect party. I want to party with 13 year olds that aren't allowed to drink. I didn't know a lot of the music I was dancing to,

[00:07:59] and I dance horribly anyway, but I did it. So what are we drinking? Because I ran down to Hermosa Beach after I'd already missed a thing. So a little Hermosa. I didn't even know it had a brewing company.

[00:08:11] I lived there back in the day for a while in an apartment. Peer to peer pale ale. It's actually very good. Yeah. Shout out Hermosa Beach. And what are we trying? Well, we're going to first try Mr. B. They're the B's knees.

[00:08:29] It's a pepperoni roll potato chip proudly made in West Virginia. Cool. West Virginia, which I'm going to. Oh, that'll be over by then, I think. No. No. No, no, this weekend. Oh, right, this weekend. Yeah. Okay. And I don't want to give away any secrets.

[00:08:49] West Virginia, but I think I saw Morgantown being floated around. What? Yeah, that's not for sure yet. These are good. Good. Who sent them? This is from a West Virginia termite, Maya. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. Pepperoni roll, interesting. They're good. I give it a B plus. Okay.

[00:09:11] Yeah, it could be more pepperoni-y. E? Alright. Two Es. But they're good and they have the texture of Lay's. So thank you, Maya. Now these are, oh, this is a Dorita Baja Fiery Mango from Orlando Germite, gay termite, Rob. Nice. Okay.

[00:09:31] Wow, it's got a shark on the front. Cool. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I like them. You hate mango. The mango hits you at the end. If you like mango, these are actually very good. Late mango. It's not really my favorite.

[00:09:50] Woo, and then the fiery hits you at the end too. Woo. This would be a good way to lose weight. You can only eat like one of these every 20 minutes. Or at least I can.

[00:10:00] Or as the guy at the Thai restaurant, it's a cabin actually, it's a wooden cabin. When I order stuff he goes, all for you, white person spice! And I'm like, yep, white person spice. Because one time I go, no, let me go your spice.

[00:10:12] Oh, that was an error. It was so hot. Alright, these are some crazy Hampton Farms. Is that the Hamptons? No. No? Hampton's is a gas station in the Northeast. Oh. Spicy dill pickle peanuts from Termite Judy. Hampton Farms. Where are these made? I don't get it. You taste.

[00:10:39] Sevum, North Carolina. The Hamptons, by the way. Which I just left. Uh huh. Guess what I didn't do in the Hamptons? Drive around drunk. Now we're not sure he was drunk. Nope. Because Justin Timberlake, taking the advice of my father, refused the test. Yep. So we don't know.

[00:11:00] It's the cops' word against Justin's. He definitely gets what's called. Well here's the thing. If you're Justin Timberlake, if you're gonna drink at all, get a driver. Yeah. Come on. It's my old joke about rich famous people drinking and driving. Anyway. Mmm. Wow. Nice?

[00:11:20] How did they do that? The actual peanut tastes like a dill pickle. How did they get that in there? I just pulled it out of a shell. Nice! Yeah, they're really good. Cool. Wow. That's another... Two thumbs up. For a peanut? That's an A. Great. Yeah.

[00:11:39] Let me get these shells off here so I can read. Alright. That's what we're drinking and eating. Here's where I'm going on the road. Then we'll get this party started. Added a second show in Boston. Thank you, Burmites. Boston Termites. Boston Termites. At the Wilbur.

[00:11:54] I love that venue because it's kind of half like a club, half like a theater. Perfect blend of old school, new school. I love the lady who runs it, Taylor. She's awesome and it runs like clockwork. Tickets are on sale now. Tickets are on sale now.

[00:12:09] Yeah, for both shows. Friday and then we added Saturday. Yeah. So, and then June 22nd, that one's sold out. Charlestown, West Virginia. That's this weekend. That's this weekend. June 29th, Portland, Maine. There's a few tickets left. And every seat there is good. Yep. Yep.

[00:12:27] July 19th to 20th, Atlantic City. Boom! The Bogata. Yeah, that was supposed to be the fight, the Tyson fight. I was so excited to be at Atlantic City because of the giant screens. So good. We'll have to go back. But I'm still excited to go to Atlantic City.

[00:12:41] Boom! Right down to White House subs, first lady there. July 26th, San Antonio. 27th, Austin. August 2nd, Marietta, Ohio. Not Georgia. No. No. August 3rd, Cincinnati, Ohio. The Taft. I'll be at the Taft Theater if you're looking for where I'm going to be there.

[00:12:59] August 10th, Niagara Falls, Ontario. Speaking of which, I know Ontario isn't by Edmonton. Edmonton's in the west. But as the... Well, I did predict that Boston would win. So stick with the basketball. And they won. Yep. Stick with me on your betting. Yep.

[00:13:19] I'm still saying the Panthers are going to win. Mm-hmm. Um, meow! But, uh, uh, Edmonton has had two really great games. Chippin' away. And now everybody's got to fly back to Edmonton. Uh! The flight from Fort Lauderdale to... 2,500 miles. Oh, my God.

[00:13:39] That would have been all the incentive for me if I was a Panther. Meow! To win would be so I don't have to get on that flight. Right. Holy shit show. And then the Panthers got stuck last week in that big storm in Florida

[00:13:51] and had to sit in the airport for seven hours. And you know they can't drink eat. No. No drink eat. No. You got to stay dressed up. You're in a suit. Ugh, I got it. Anyway. August 24th, Hampton Beach, New Hampshire.

[00:14:02] August 30th, that's Labor Day weekend, the Venetian. Boom! September 6th, Tarrytown. September 7th, Wilmington, Delaware. September 13th, Columbus, Ohio. September 14th, Lexington, Ohio. September 19th, Oklahoma City. September 21st, Dallas, Texas. Can't wait to see you guys. The 27th, Foxwoods Casino. Yeah. Can't wait. That's in Connecticut.

[00:14:28] And September 28th, New York City. People are always like, why don't you work in the city? I do! Here we go. So easy to get to. Not a problem. And then it's your birthday. And then it's my birthday. It's my birthday. It's my birthday.

[00:14:40] I try not to work that week. I don't think I am working that week. Um, yeah. Happy Father's Day to everybody out there. It was, um, I went and saw my mom, hung out with my mom. Yep.

[00:14:46] She is so old and crazy they're getting, she's like, I don't want to go to dinner like at six o'clock. She was saying that that's like midnight, right? And I said, jokingly, I go, well, do you want to go now? It was 11 o'clock in the morning.

[00:15:09] She goes, yeah. I go, you want to go to dinner now? I said, and then later we'll go get Randy's. It's this frozen custard that's down at the lake. And she goes, yeah. I go, you want to go to dinner now?

[00:15:15] I said, and then later we'll go get Randy's. It's this frozen custard that's down at the lake. She goes, that sounds perfect. So I was like, fine. I got my sister and my sister-in-law and I call my sister-in-law though, I go, we're

[00:15:20] all meeting at Casablanca for pizza in five minutes. She's like, oh, oh, well, um, no, I don't really think I'll be joining on that one, but maybe later. I'm like, what do you mean, Amy? You're not in the mood for dinner at 1122? My God.

[00:15:26] I'm like, is it even 11 o'clock? And she goes, no, it's not. I'm like, okay. I'm like, okay. I'm like, okay. I'm like, okay. I'm like, okay. I'm like, okay. I'm like, okay. I'm like, okay. is it even open?

[00:15:37] Like, I mean, I know there's a lunch crowd, but uh, anyway, it was fun to hang out with my mom for a little while and she's doing great. Thanks for everybody. So he was asking, she's doing really good.

[00:16:00] Actually, she's in her little back in her little golf league. Um, you know, and then I think some of my siblings are like, that's my mom. are like, she should do more. I'm like, let's not forget, she's 83. She's in fine shape. If you saw her walking around,

[00:16:13] you wouldn't think she was 83, but she's got arthritis and shit hurts. And so what if she wants to sit around and watch British weird mysteries? Right. Okay, I can't think of the ones. Midsummer's night murders. Midsummer night murder. She loves it. She watched every Grey's Anatomy available.

[00:16:31] And I told her what you don't know mom is they're making new ones. Really? Yep. Yep. She's into, who's your boyfriend? Sean Cassidy. She likes my boyfriend Sean Cassidy's show and I can't remember the name of it. New Hampshire. New Amsterdam or New Hampshire, whatever. Sorry, Sean.

[00:16:52] I'm sure he's not listening. He was the director of that or something. Speaking of things to be watching, that's all the shows so where I got that other way. If you like Chaka Khan, I took her down as a queen because she doesn't do that much unfortunately,

[00:17:09] but she did do a tiny desk concert that is amazeballs if you love Chaka. And she's really funny. She's funny and her voice sounds great. And she's like some, I don't know, 65 or something. No wrinkles. I mean, she looks amazing. She looks no different than 25 years ago.

[00:17:29] Then also what are we watching? This was the craziest thing. I love ESPN's 30 for 30s. I love them. Well, there's one on Renee Richards. Now for exactly, for you younger termites, what are children? So everybody thinks the transgender thing is new. No, it's not. I vaguely remember this.

[00:17:54] Like I was like, I remember my dad going, wait, that's a man? And I'm like, yeah, I think that's what they said, dad. Yep, I think that is a man. This guy, I forget his real name. I only knew Renee. He was a super good tennis player,

[00:18:11] but he was also an eye doctor. He's like what he, he's from a proper Jewish family, somewhere on the East Coast. And he got married and did all you're supposed to do. He was very handsome, but he was also this great tennis player. Richard Raskin. Richard Raskin.

[00:18:25] Anyway, Richard wanted to transition to be Renee. Okay. Even back then, I remember my dad saying down at the workman's comp commission, he goes, well, this has been going on for a long time. We had Bob who became Barb. I'm like, what? At the comp commission back then?

[00:18:43] Like in the sixties, how brave was Bob? And he was a stenographer at the courthouse. And my dad said, yeah, you know, he just started dressing more like a lady every day. And then we were all, then he said, call me Barb. And we were like, all right.

[00:18:59] Nobody cared. And I said, I'm surprised back then that nobody cared. He goes, he was a great stenographer. I mean, you wanted to get Barb because she was so fast that if you got somebody else, you knew it was going to take a hell of a lot longer.

[00:19:12] And, you know, I said, okay, well point taken. So it, you know, there have been transgender people along, but the thing with Richard and then who became Renee, she started playing in tournaments that were high level, like qualifying for the US fucking open.

[00:19:30] This isn't some country club bullshit where they give you a trophy and right. This is for reals. But back then nobody knew what to do about it. So go watch the 30 for 30. Cause he, she, Renee refused to take the DNA. No, the chromosome testing.

[00:19:47] And then they were like, shit, we never thought of one of somebody just goes, no, I ain't doing it. Yeah. It's a crazy, crazy story. See how old Richard is now. Cause it's, Renee. Oh, Renee, right. Sorry. I mean, if I, what I read is true. Renee what?

[00:20:10] Richard. Renee Russo. Richard was her original name. Oh, I got it. No, Renee Russo's an actor. Yeah, Renee Russo's somebody else. Jesus. We have fucked up this whole conversation. Renee what? Go with Renee Richards, ESPN 30 for 30. 89. 89. Well, Renee is alive and well. And in this documentary.

[00:20:33] So you get to see Renee now and what she does now. And boy, I don't know. Renee Russo 70. Renee Russo 70? I thought she was like 34. Who's Renee Russo? She's smoking hot. She's a smoking hot actress? Yeah, she's the first lady I Googled. Oh, the first lady you Googled.

[00:20:52] Well, we're off to a good start. My God. She doesn't play tennis. No. She doesn't play tennis. Probably pickleball if she's 70. Yeah. And then I gotta give a shout out. I'm not gonna say who. So there's an article that went all over the press

[00:21:19] about the comedians that met the Pope. And it says I was one of them. It's on everything. This just shows you like, I don't believe what you want anymore. I only believe the person I'm actually talking to in real life and half the time I don't believe them.

[00:21:34] I did not go to meet the Pope. I would have gone to meet the Pope, but there was a confusion in the email and the invitation and I didn't get it till the day before. But I would like to give a shout out to social media.

[00:21:48] I'm not gonna say who, but it was a Twitter termite, more than a termite, but a termite nonetheless. A holy termite. A holy termite that liked me and added me to the list. So this email came, oh my email and it said, the Pope and humor.

[00:22:08] And I'm like, hmm, I don't really often get emails from the Pope. I do follow Vatican News, but so I opened it and it- The office of the royal seat. Office and all these words, I'm like, I had to call my mom. I'm like, what's a prefect?

[00:22:24] She's like, oh God, Kathleen, didn't you pay any attention? I go, no mom, there were two sets of schooling. Yours and dad's. You guys knew all this. I couldn't read the invitation. I'm what's the office of the defectionary? Like it's all this crazy. And that was in English.

[00:22:40] Some of it was in Italian. But then there was a map of where to go. And I'm like, is this spam? Like this can't be real, right? Did I really get an invitation to go meet the Pope? And then my brother's like, well, if Pope Frank emailed me,

[00:22:54] I'd stop, drop and roll. And there's only one person in the world. I go, what about your wife and kids? He goes, Kathleen, I'm talking about traveling to go see Pope Frank. I said, I can't make it happen, Pat. I don't have a supersonic jet. It's too late.

[00:23:07] I just want to see if this is real. Cause it said like .Vatican. It wasn't like somebody's Gmail. And then I thought, why would it be fake? They're not asking for anything. Or is somebody so mean they want me to get on a Pope flight

[00:23:19] and then I don't have an invitation when I get there and I look like a jackass. Not to mention the cost. Delta, if they could have gotten me there in that amount of time, it would have been. And then you have to think,

[00:23:30] well, if I got to the gates of heaven and they were like, it was five grand to meet him. And you said, no asshole. I know, I think about all those things. But anyway, I would just like to shout out that person

[00:23:42] that did that because it was awfully nice and awfully thoughtful. Sadly, it was just too late. And then I called up two of my friends. I'm like, is this spam? I called younger friends. Well, I did call my publicist too. I'm like, are they going through proper channels?

[00:23:59] Or is it, how did they get my email? And then my sister goes, well, it is the Vatican. I go, he's not Merlin. I mean, yes, is he the Holy father? Yes, is he, but he can't, nobody's gonna know to send it.

[00:24:13] If it would have went to Katie, my publicist, yeah. Would have not been so suspicious. And everybody's got you so paranoid that everything in your inbox is just a bunch of shit. Anyway, it was real. Wow. Yeah. Sorry I missed it.

[00:24:27] But people always say social media is just bad. Just wanna say that was an awfully nice thing. Some person I've never met did that for me. And that takes a lot of pull. Yes. Nobody, there's just, here's what was the super funny part though.

[00:24:41] Okay, Americans, go on Netflix or Amazon and Google Italian comedians. Guess how many will come up? Probably zero, maybe one, maybe two. I've done international festivals my whole life. Never seen an Italian comedian. I've seen English, I've seen Aussies, I've seen Irish, Scots, Welsh, Canadians.

[00:25:04] There's just certain countries, even a German guy. Herman, somebody, he was pretty funny. Yeah, he's like, people say Germans are too linear and that we don't have enough looseness to be comedians. Well, I would like to show you the difference that we can.

[00:25:21] Joke number one, and he hits a stopwatch. And I'm like, it's so funny. That's exactly what I expect out of you. Bullet points, linear, you can't tell a story. It's all just, anyway. So the list, this was public information, of the comedians going were listed by country.

[00:25:39] The Italians had 67. Oh God. There's a lot of rounding there. Does this count if you're funny at home? I mean, come on, 67? But I thought they should get the most because they're in Italy. But you know, this was like, hey, I can get you on the list.

[00:25:53] It looked like a funny bone list, like a comedy club. Hey, second show Friday, we haven't sold any tickets. Kathleen got 15 people, Bob got 15. Here's the people you're letting in for nothing. Yeah, God, it made me laugh. 67. You're gonna go to the Vatican next year.

[00:26:08] And I'm sure there's some funny Italians, but in Italy, I mean, I don't mean in America. There's funny Italian American comedians, but I mean from Italy. Clarify that so I don't get hate mail. No, I love Don Marrero. Anyway, so thank you to that.

[00:26:25] You're gonna go next year. Termite, I am gonna try to go next year. If the person had that amount of pull, but then he might not be alive and I like this Pope. I mean, compared to other Popes, I know they all have problems.

[00:26:35] I know the Catholic church is behind. I'm aware of all of it. But out of all the Popes, him or John Paul II would have been the ones that I, he's 87. And the person, I made my publicist call a number. There was a number at the bottom.

[00:26:52] I go, Katie, you need to call that number for me. And I don't ever ask for shit. So I don't think Katie minded. Cause Katie's like, well, I'm not Catholic. So none of this will bother me either way. Sure, I'll call.

[00:27:04] And she got an intern at the Vatican, Laura. And I'm like, are you sure? Cause is this all fake? She's like, oh no. And they made it clear he is aging and there's a possibility he won't attend. Yeah. He also has to be the G7 summit.

[00:27:20] But he did, he did make it and he get, yeah. He had to be at the G7 in the afternoon. I'm like, this guy gets around for 87. I'd be like, fuck you. I'll be down there about 11. Cause you know what? Those are meet and greets.

[00:27:31] He probably does 10 a morning. Oh, here's the group from this school. Here's the comedians, humor and religion and whatever. So just a crazy little story and let's move into real things now. King, queen news. Dolly very quiet, which means she's probably inventing something this past week.

[00:27:50] She's never actually quiet. Cher eerily quiet. Never know what's going on with that. Tanya is doing like festivals, you know, fairs. She's out there. Snoop quiet this week. Jelly offered to pay for a fan's college tuition during his Nashville show. It's awesome.

[00:28:08] He's out there just killing it everywhere. He's with Morgan Wallen, who I like. I probably like Jelly Roll more cause I met him and I like him and he likes comedy. So therefore we like him back more cause he's a big comedy fan.

[00:28:25] And I see him here in Nashville a lot. Tay Tay out on the road in Europe still, right? Yes. Where? Liverpool. Liverpool. She just finished Liverpool. Home of the Beatles. She just finished Liverpool. Where's she going next? Nobody did what Paris did.

[00:28:54] Oh, nobody welcomed her quite like the Parisians. No, she's in Cardiff and then she's in London this weekend. London this weekend. Ooh yeah. Oh yeah, they were putting out alerts. Wembley. At Wembley. Oh my gosh. I can't wait to see clips of it. That's where her ex-boyfriend lives.

[00:29:10] Her ex-boyfriend lives there? Is that the one I didn't like? Oh, I didn't like Maddie? Like M-A-T-T-Y Maddie? Yeah, you hated him. I hated him. This is what's great about being old. I don't even remember hating him. But I'm glad I put forth the effort

[00:29:27] if he was a hateable person. I didn't like it when he got on stage with her. No, because what are we doing? No, no, no. That's why Travis is better. You go be caveman. You take ball. You run there. You go do you. I love him.

[00:29:41] You do too. You do you. He's your tight end. I know, I love Travis. I'm just saying he has a job. I'm complimenting him. Unlike that Maddie guy who's trying- Maddie Healy. What's his name? Maddie Healy. Maddie Healy. No, let me write that down. I hate Maddie Healy.

[00:29:58] So I remember, I'm gonna put a list like my mom on the fridge. Here's the people in my shit list. And she's got a shit list on their refrigerator. No, Travis is good because he's got his own stuff going on.

[00:30:13] And you know, I'm just saying, you know, it's football. It's not the smartest thing going around. When we talk about football. Well, there's two things we were talking, three things in football. But first of all, update. The children. What am I gonna do with the children?

[00:30:34] I don't know. They have sprayed orange powder paint all over Stonehenge. Oh no. Yeah. Two people have been, these are the Just Stop Oil activists. They sprayed orange powder paint over Stonehenge. And I'm not sure they're the children,

[00:30:51] but from what I can see of them, they look young-ish. Remember, there's no guards up there. This is a disgraceful act of vandalism to one of the UK's world's most oldest and most important monuments. Members of the public attempted to stop the incident

[00:31:06] and a visitor, just a customer, managed to wrestle a spray can from one of the protesters. Tourists. Not customers. Customers. Customers on a tour. They've arrested two people. Orange paint had been sprayed on two of the stones. You know, the protest came as thousands of Druids

[00:31:28] and revelers prepared to travel to the monument for the summer solstice. How do we get paint off here? I don't know. Does anybody, can we? I don't know how you get paint off rock. Power washer, maybe? Yeah, let's get a good old power washer up there.

[00:31:46] And I know it can take off paint because I won't say who, but three people that I hired to power wash my house put the wrong nozzle on and all of a sudden, I don't have any more green paint. Looks like gunfire. Oh my God, damn it.

[00:32:05] And then you can't just go paint that part back in because then the other paint was faded and then it doesn't match. Anyway, in a statement, Just Stop Oil said it was time for megalithic action, get it? And call for the UK.

[00:32:20] Look, I don't disagree with all these climate change kids. I think things are out of control too. I don't think we should be making plastic water bottles anymore, but who's gonna shut down Fiji? And then I have my friend Amy yell at me about plastic water bottles.

[00:32:34] Well, I know I have one of the refillable ones, I get it. But the bigger problem is not Kathleen Madigan. The bigger problem is Fiji or whomever, whatever Aqua Net. That's a hairspray. I mean, I don't know enough about science for Christ sake. I don't know what's wrong,

[00:32:53] but I think this is not the way to go about it. They started putting it in milk cartons. They put the water in milk cartons or don't give it to me in a can. That liquid death that's in a lot of these concerts.

[00:33:03] I can't, it's just water, but it's just, it tastes like tin. Yeah. The rest of their statements, they don't want coal, oil or gas, but okay. Are they living off the grid? I don't know where they live. I don't know.

[00:33:23] I just think if you want people to join your cause, you can't do destructive things like there has to be a better way. I vote through humor and they're just- So does the Pope. The Pope does too. Get on our path, way, bandwagon. I was gonna say bandwagon.

[00:33:39] It just, I don't think you get more bees with honey. That's the whole thing. I don't wanna help you if you're gonna go do something destructive to something that means something to the world. No, there has to be different ways. Did you get attention?

[00:33:53] You did for a hot minute, but now somebody's gotta go up there with a power washer. Sure it's not easy to get up there. Probably have to bring a generator. I doubt there's outlets at Stonehenge and a donkey just for fun. The donkey is just for fun. Update.

[00:34:08] Guess who's coming to the sphere for sure now? Tay Tay. No Tay Tay. Too tiny. It's too small for Tay Tay. The Eagles. I know. Well, my brother went and saw them a long time ago and he said it was boring and I could see that.

[00:34:28] I've seen them, they're terrible. You thought they were terrible? Boring. Boring. Boring. Yeah. Cause they don't do nothing. Yeah. Sit there and sing the songs. I'd rather dance in my room. Stevie's still trying to dance and twirling and capes and stories. She has these experiences.

[00:34:44] She does have, they're like, I know her old heeled boots and I get it. I now have tennis shoes with lifts on stage. It's so comfortable. I'm like, I'm never going back to a heel. But Stevie gives you a show. I don't know.

[00:34:57] I've never seen the Eagles, but it's a, if you want to go see them, I do want to go to the sphere and then little Dorf, she keeps trying to get me to go to the deadhead thing. There's two more dates of that.

[00:35:10] I'd rather see more to the penguins. I mean, The show? Yeah. How are you preparing that? Well, because if you took the sphere and they do show movies in there, make it a giant IMAX. And then there's penguins everywhere. You know what? It'd be great.

[00:35:24] You've never seen Star Wars. Maybe they'll do that. They should put Star Wars in there for all the people that like that. They're going to do eight shows over four weekends, starting September 20th through October 19th. So, you know, if you're an Eagles fan, have at it.

[00:35:43] It's not my thing. Here's an update. Update! A little Elon speaking to Twitter. I refuse to call it X. My blue check mark was taken away. I don't even know when. I'm not giving him any money. A dollar. Not even a dollar. Well, he's reported.

[00:36:03] So on Twitter, if you're not on it briefly here, when I like a tweet, let's say somebody posts something about the Cardinals or whatever and I hit like, everyone can see that I liked it. Publicly. Publicly. Now, if you pay for the blue check mark thing,

[00:36:22] your likes are private. Meaning if I liked one of your tweets, you'll see that I liked it, but the general public, a couple termites had to explain that to me. Because I don't even, I like whatever I like. I stand by what I like.

[00:36:34] I don't even care who can see it. I want the person that wrote it to see it. Because it's usually super sports 70, something funny. And then I hit like. I love that. Well, he's rolled out private likes starting today.

[00:36:45] This means users on the platform will be hidden by default. Soon users will be able to like any content without worrying about who might see it. This is because they said he liked some tweets that were kind of a little bit right wing cuckoo town.

[00:37:01] And then we all could see that he liked it, but stand by what you like. But now the people that paid for the blue check mark, one of the perks was private liking gone. So I just think he's really trying to destroy it.

[00:37:16] And I don't know why or turn it into, it's sad because in the beginning it was like entertainment and sports, fun stuff. And then it turned political during the election ago, I guess the one before that and just went crazy. Also another update of the children.

[00:37:43] They're really, really getting around the United Kingdom. King Charles's first official portrait vandalized by activists. Now two things as an Irish person, I can't say I'm in love with King Charles, but also the official portrait they did of him. If I was Charles, I'd have said, oh no,

[00:38:04] that's gotta be redone. It's all. Yeah, go ahead. Call the children. Who's got orange spray paint? It's all red. It looks demonic. If you did that with me, I'd be like, oh my God, that's like sacrilegious. Like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[00:38:16] You can paint me where I don't even look like me. I don't care about it. I don't wanna be, I'll put a picture of it in the schnotes. When I saw it, I was like, oh my God, it's really weird and not good weird. It's a good portrait.

[00:38:30] It looks like him. He's unfortunate looking. Well, he's not smoking hot. I think we all know that. This is an animal rights group. They vandalized the official portrait. This one they came in. This is at a London gallery, a campaign group Animal Rising posted a video

[00:38:47] on its social media showing activists using a paint roller to stick signs over the portrait of the monarch. Security, security. Everybody's fired. All of you today, today as of noon, you can eat lunch, then you gotta go. How did you let someone get in

[00:39:08] and it wasn't a tiny paint roller. It was one with an extension deal. Is nobody checking backpacks? No, I mean, they go through my shit, which is fine at a Predators game, you know, or a Stevie Con, whatever. I do not understand how they are not.

[00:39:27] Members of the public were invited for free to visit the portrait of the monarch, which is on display at the Philip Mould Gallery in central London until June 21st. It was against a background of crimson red breaststrokes, sparking mixed reactions. A negative one from this lady.

[00:39:47] I guess he didn't care. No. But they got in and did it. And so they gotta get all this shit off the glass. There's a glass thing in front of it. It'd be funny if they did like bumper stickers. Like, I've been to Bucky's.

[00:39:59] Yeah, a bumper sticker or something fun. Make me laugh, make me laugh. This stuff was not funny. No. Animal Rising describes itself as a nonviolent organization campaigning for urgent transition to a sustainable and just plant-based food system. I like meat. I like it a lot.

[00:40:22] I like a burger every now and again. I mean, I could live without it. Do you denounce bacon? But then am I gonna live without chicken too? No, bacon? They don't count? I can live without bacon. Stop it. I don't. Nah, pancakes fine. Pancakes?

[00:40:37] It has nothing to do with bacon. Breakfast. But what would I do without my dad's bacon sandwiches with mayonnaise on white bread every now and then? It's a Midwest delight. My other Midwest delight that really horrifies friends is Braunschweiger on, I love it, on white bread with mayonnaise.

[00:40:54] It's one of the reasons I moved from Los Angeles. I couldn't find white bread. I'm like, fuck this place. And then you ask for Braunschweiger and they give you something super fancy. I'm like, no, that's not what he meant. He meant Oscar Mayer.

[00:41:07] It's already cut in a thing. God. Or you get the roll of it and cut from there if you don't have the money for the pre-sliced one. But not, it's, whatever. Update! We're doing this too early today. No, Elizabeth Holmes. No! Yep. They argued her appeal last week.

[00:41:33] The decision could take weeks or months. So we're not gonna have any update on what happened. But I, what? Months. Months. She was sentenced to 11 years, remember that, but she got two knocked off. She's seeking a new trial, arguing the judge in her case

[00:41:48] erred in several decisions during the 20, I do not think this appeal is gonna win. I'm surprised it was granted. She is making a mockery of the judiciary. Oh, it's just money. Come on. I mean, and then there's the whole, the decision on the appeal wasn't expected

[00:42:03] to come down immediately. Three judges are likely to consider the high profile nature of the case. It could take several weeks or more or months to issue a ruling. They're nitpicking. I read the whole thing, it's terribly boring. You don't need to be subject to it, termites.

[00:42:18] But my betting odds on DraftKings, it's not gonna work. Update! Flavor Flav has officially teamed with Red Lobster after attempting to save the bankrupt chain on social media. Wonderful. I'll do it for free. They call me. Let's call them. Maybe, oh yeah.

[00:42:43] Katie, could you, this is the thing. Most people are like, can I get tickets to a red carpet event? My calls are, Katie, can you call Red Lobster and put me on the Save the Biscuit campaign? But what's great about Katie is she'll just go, sure.

[00:42:59] Let me, not sure I'm aware of that. I don't think I have any other clients gunning for that. I'm like, yep, we can go on Good Morning America, whatever. But first I'd like to save the biscuits. Is that possible? We should actually contact them.

[00:43:14] Save the Biscuit campaign is a good idea. He's taken, well, I made that part up. I don't know what it's called. You should call it then. Or maybe he said it in his article. Flavor Flav is taking his Red Lobster fan status to a whole new level.

[00:43:24] On Monday, June 10th, they unveiled a partnership with the hip hop legend. I'm not as famous as Flavor Flav though. The unlikely duo announced that Red Lobster's Crab Fest is officially coming back. Wonderful. Because we learned very little from Shrimp Fest. They need three fests a year.

[00:43:43] Lobster Fest, Shrimp Fest, Crab Fest. Flavor Flav said, yeah, boy. When the internet said lobster's going away, boy Flavor Flav said not today. Nope. Boy. And that's when he ordered the whole menu. He's great. Crab Fest, oh, he's doing Crab Fest dance. Crab Fest is here, boy.

[00:44:06] And they got two flavors just like me, Flavor Flav. Yep, he announced main flavors, roasted garlic and the new Cajun butter, which he describes as being part of the most bonafide comeback yet. We gotta go. I know. At Crab Fest, guests can order a full pound of steam

[00:44:21] while caught crab legs with the flavor options or simply steam. Flavor Flav said lobster's introducing a new $20 cream crab, creamy crab carbonara and a new crab and lobster duo. Flavor Flav's initial post went viral and when he ordered everything on the menu. So good for them.

[00:44:37] I like it. One of the musician's daughters, Daznaya, I'm not saying that right, hinted that she was there and amplified her dad's goal by sharing Flavor Flav on her own Instagram. So yeah, let's try to save it. Yep, you can take baby cat.

[00:44:57] Take baby cat to Crab Fest? Yeah, because you don't have a daughter. I don't have a daughter, but baby cat counts. Yeah, bigger. Yeah, she hates the heat. This is a little PSA. So I'm not talking about politics here, I'm talking about tourism. So don't anybody freak out.

[00:45:16] But Donald Trump, the Republican National Convention is gonna be held in Milwaukee and he said it's a horrible city. No, it's not. That's just a fact. I chose it for my next special. Why? Because the people are super duper nice, they're excited to have you.

[00:45:30] And I will say I did do one in New York and I did not feel the same way about that. And I didn't wanna do it in New York, but I got bullied by those people. People you fired. People that I was paying.

[00:45:43] And I'm like, why are you bullying me if I'm paying you out of this bullshit? Just so I could defend Milwaukee a little bit. Guess who else loves Milwaukee? Henry Winkler. Because they have the Fonzie statue down on the river wall. I'm serious, people forget about Milwaukee.

[00:45:58] If you're a Midwestern person, it's a wonderful weekend, especially during Summerfest. But if you can't get there during Summerfest, Summerfest is one of the coolest festivals I've ever been involved in because they used to have a comedy stage.

[00:46:10] I don't know if they do anymore, but I did it. I did it as a comedian and I did it as a regular person. And it's the easiest festival to get around. It's not Bonnaroo. I don't have to sleep outside in a tent.

[00:46:22] Like you can walk from downtown to the whole thing. Not a long walk, but anyway, if you wanna go to Milwaukee, here's some great things to do. It's not my thing, Harley Davidson Museum. Biggest one in the world. So if you're into that,

[00:46:37] there's a lake front brewery that's super duper fun to go. The Pabst Mansion. I put videos up. It's a guilt, Pabst the beer, like Pabst Blue Ribbon. The Pabst Mansion is a gilded age thing. The tour is fast, but great. Super fun to go to.

[00:46:54] The Milwaukee Public Market may be one of my favorite places on earth. And I was there when it was snowing and it made it even more, there's they've got Bloody Mary bars. They've got T-shirts. They've got, it's just a cheese wheels.

[00:47:10] I'm surprised they don't have security down there. Like, well, maybe they do and I don't know it, but some of the cheese wheels in there are like 150 years old and they'll cut you off a piece to just try it. Thousands of dollars worth of cheese.

[00:47:23] It's just beers if you want them. It's so fun. And the music's playing and it's right downtown. And if you wanna go see a Brewers game, boom, easy peasy. The Basilica of St. Joseph. I've never been in it. It looks awesome. There's way more museums.

[00:47:43] The Miller Brewery Tour. I've done it twice. It's so fun. You go in these ancient like beer caves. And I know I'm a St. Louis person. I'll defend my brewery over, only because we have Clydesdales at the end. Can't talk about that.

[00:48:00] But the Miller Brewery Tour, totally fun, totally worth it. And then at the end there's free beer. And I think it's hilarious that I walk out and go, can I try Miller Lite? Look at me. Do you not think I've had 7,000 in my life?

[00:48:14] But they're like happy to give it to you. And then they have all kinds of funky flavors and Lugen Kleine, I can never say it right. Lugen Kleine, wait. Lugen Kleine, I don't know. And then there's the one street downtown with all the Brat Houses and stuff.

[00:48:31] Great Bratwurst. I can't say enough. I mean, literally Louis and I, when I did the last special, I'm like, if we stay here for any longer, we're gonna have to go to the hospital for IVs. We've eaten enough here to kill a horse. Like Bratwurst, cheese, giant pretzels.

[00:48:45] Cheese curds at the airport. I'm just saying he shouldn't have said that because it's not true. I don't know what the North Point Lighthouse is, but go down by the water. Oh, the Bronze Fonz, yep. I just passed that one day and went, that's Fonzy. All right.

[00:49:08] Holy shit, they found. Rare wildcat documented in Yellowstone for the first time in a decade. Yeah, and I can't believe people didn't know what this was. I looked at it and I went, okay, that's a lynx. So I guess we haven't had lynx in Yellowstone

[00:49:28] and it was a boy because it had a blocky head. This guy took a picture of it. He said, it's not a bobcat. Bobcats look very different and they don't have feet the size of salad plates. Nothing is better than a Canadian lynx because they're the biggest.

[00:49:44] Their paws and they got the tufts of fur on the tops of their ears. And they're just, the closest thing would be a Maine Coon cat and a bobcat, but a bobcat looks more like a domestic cat, like a baby cat, like American short hair.

[00:50:00] The lynx was spotted in the upper reaches of Tin Can Park, a back country swath of the Teton National Forest, about six miles southwest of Granite Hot Springs. I don't know anything about what I just read, but I know it's somewhere in the Grand Tetons.

[00:50:18] It had been many years since a lynx was documented in Wyoming. They've been searching forever and they had no success confirming their presence. The record shows that breeding resident animals disappeared more than 20 years ago, but there's been a host of sightings from 2004 to 2007. Last observation was in 2011 or 12.

[00:50:40] But this guy got a picture of it. Yeah, it's great. It's good news. And they don't really bother anything and they keep the ecosystem going. Holy shit. So I wanna go to Italy next year and I wanna go to Rome just cause I like Rome. I've been there.

[00:50:58] I've never been to Venice and I wanna go before it sinks. Probably sink in my lifetime. I just said that as a non-science person. So don't take that as a gospel. And I wanna go to Pompeii. Yeah. They have found records of Pompeii survivor. Survivors have been found

[00:51:16] and archeologists are starting to understand how they rebuild their lives. You never think of anybody surviving it. No. No. Don't talk about it. They don't talk about it because nobody could figure out how do we even find out? Did the new people just come from other places

[00:51:30] and go, hey, it's empty now. Right. This story picks up a hold on. This is all the stuff. Pompeii and Herculaneum are two wealthy cities on the coast of Italy, just south of Naples. Pompeii was a community of 30,000 people hosted a striving and active political and financial networks.

[00:51:50] Herculaneum had about 5,000, had an active fishing fleet and a number of marble workshops. Both blah, blah, blah. In popular culture, the eruption is usually depicted as an event with no survivors, an apocalyptic event with no survivors. In the TV series, Dr. Who and Loki,

[00:52:09] I had never heard of these things. Everyone in Pompeii and Herculaneum dies, but evidence that people could have escaped was always there. The eruption, it went on for 18 hours. I'm gonna go. This guy used... Okay. So this guy created a methodology determined if survivors could be found.

[00:52:29] I took Roman names unique to Pompeii or Herculaneum such as Numerus, Papadias and Alois Umbricius and searched for the people with the names who lived in the surrounding communities in the period after the eruption. I also looked for additional evidence such as improved infrastructure

[00:52:46] in neighboring communities to accommodate migrants. After eight years of scouring databases in the tens of thousands of Roman inscriptions on places ranging from walls to tomb zone, he found evidence of 200 survivors in 12 cities. Oh my God. Yeah. That's a lot. They're mainly in the general area of Pompeii,

[00:53:04] but they tend to be north of Mount Vesuvius outside the zone of the greatest destruction. That's... Yeah. Some of the families that went on, that escaped apparently went to thrive in their new communities, blah, blah, blah. Some that were already poor got a lot poorer.

[00:53:21] Others seem to have lost family fortunes perhaps in the eruption itself. Oh wow. But the diaries... So I'll put it in the notes. If you wanna go read it, it's crazy that I never even thought about anybody surviving. I only watched that one movie, Pompeii.

[00:53:36] It's kind of cheesy. I don't even remember who was in it, but it got a little Ten Commandments-y there for a while with like the volcano didn't look real. And I'm like, well, it was okay. Commandments-y. Well, I mean, the Ten Commandments at the time

[00:53:52] didn't have the technology, but like when Moses farts the Red Sea, you're like, okay. Well, I mean, yeah. Okay, moving on. This is crazy. This is, I guess it's a holy shit they found it, but it's also just news.

[00:54:11] Especially news to me who went to a Catholic school. I know. So are we in news now? News. The earliest known copy of an incredible story about Jesus performing a miracle as a child has been discovered scrawled on an ancient Egyptian manuscript. What?

[00:54:28] Well, get a load of this. The 2000 year old, is it papyrus or paprys? I don't know. It's a material that predates paper. Tells the lesser known story of the vivification of sparrows when the five-year-old Jesus is said to have turned clay pigeons into live birds.

[00:54:48] A tale also referred to as the second miracle. I have never heard of this in my life. Wouldn't he be something at a shooting range? When they go pull and a clay pigeon comes out and it turns into a real bird, holy shit. Yeah. Huh.

[00:55:06] The clumsiness of the handwriting led the researchers to believe it was likely written as part of a class exercise in a school or religious community in the fourth or fifth century Egypt, which was a Christian society in those times. The original story of Jesus' miracles

[00:55:19] thought to have been written around the second century as part of the infancy gospel of Thomas. A book detailing Jesus of Nazareth. Z, Jesus of Nazareth. Youth that was ultimately excluded from the Bible. Now why did we exclude that? Right. What are you, Simon and Schuster?

[00:55:40] Who's editing this shit to go, yeah, I'm that big on the clay pigeon one. Nope. Nope. It was just kind of, oh look, it's a bird. Pull it. I would have kept it. I don't understand. I don't understand who got to do all that back.

[00:55:53] That's why I don't know. Catholics don't take the Bible as seriously as other religions. Oh no. It's a good story. Take the moral, run with it. The details. See you at the fish fry. Yeah. Bing beer. See you at the fish fry. Yeah, we'll be gambling.

[00:56:10] They noticed the word Jesus in it and then they compared other digitized parchment like this. They deciphered it letter by letter. Then they realized it couldn't be just a regular document. The infancy of gospel of Thomas describes his life, Jesus' life from the age of five to 12.

[00:56:24] It was written during the second century as a way to fill in the blanks of his youth. Clay pigeons to birds. I mean, it's spectacular if you can do it. I like it. I don't really, it's not like a helpful miracle. Carrot Top could do it.

[00:56:43] It would be great in Carrot Top show if he can make that happen. Yeah. I'll call him. Okay. Yeah. If Jesus can. It's pretty good if you're five years old. In the story, Jesus is just five years old playing in a stream while molding 12 sparrows

[00:56:57] out of soft clay in riverbed mud. When his father just as knows what he was doing, he scolds Jesus and asked why he would be molding clay on the Sabbath, a holy day of rest and worship. In response, Jesus orders the clay figures

[00:57:10] to take flight as living birds, which they do. What do you say now, dad? Oh, what you say now, Joseph? Huh? I don't even know what this infancy gospel of Thomas is. My mom will know. I'll call her.

[00:57:31] It's just how, I mean, I've made it this far in life and I've never even heard about it. All right. Why is that a secret? Why is that not? Speaking of weird things happening, this is news. Reported birth of a rare white buffalo calf

[00:57:48] in Yellowstone Park fulfills the Lakota prophecy and it's not good. Oh no. Oh. Oh wait. Well, there's two arguments. The reported birth of the buffalo fulfills the Lakota prophecy that portends better times according to members of the American Indian tribe who caution it's also a signal though

[00:58:16] that more must be done to protect the earth and its animals. It's a really cute little thing. There's somebody in one of the, in Wyoming or me and Stephanie McHugh went and did these gigs in Wyoming and Montana and this exit thing kept taunting me

[00:58:30] about this white buffalo. And I got off the road and it was just like somebody's house and they were like, yeah, it's not here today. What? Yeah. It's not here? Come on. I'm telling you that's what they said.

[00:58:46] But she did say, do you wanna see the other ones? So I said yes. And they were in the backyard. Just regular buffalo. The birth of this calf is a blessing and a warning. We must do more. Chief Looking Horse, the spiritual leader

[00:58:59] of the Lakota, Dakota and Nakoda in South Dakota, the 19th century keeper of the sacred white buffalo calf woman pipe and bundle. The birth comes after severe winter in 2023 drove thousands of buffalo out of Yellowstone also known as bison to lower elevation.

[00:59:19] More than 1500 were killed, sent to slaughter and transferred to tribes seeking to reclaim ownership over an animal their ancestors lived alongside for a millennia. So they're saying it's kind of a warning. They would know. I would trust what they say. Lakota legend says about 2000 years ago

[00:59:43] when nothing was good, food was running out and bison were disappearing, white buffalo calf woman appeared, presented a bull pipe and a bundle to a tribe member taught them how to pray and said that the pipe could be used to bring buffalo to the area's food.

[00:59:57] She left, when she left, she turned into a white buffalo calf. She's a shape shifter. And someday when times are hard, I shall return and stand upon the earth as a white buffalo calf, black nose, black eyes and black hooves.

[01:00:18] A similar one was born in Wisconsin in 1994 named Miracle, but we're ignoring that one. Again, Wisconsin's getting dissed. It's not right. This one looks like a truly white buffalo because it has black nose, black hooves, but dark eyes.

[01:00:34] The pictures I've seen, the calf seems to have those traits. A naming ceremony has been held for the Yellowstone calf looking horse said though he declined to reveal the name. Oh, come on, why not tell us the name? How are we gonna sell merch for it? Right, right.

[01:00:50] Yeah. 80 tribes across the United States currently have about 20,000 bison, a figure that's grown in recent years. They're cool looking. It's a warning, better take care of the earth. But let's not destroy Stonehenge when we're doing it. Can we not do that? Nope. I'm just cruising around here.

[01:01:17] I don't know why this story made me laugh. Traveling in the Northeast, when I go out to the Northeast, the tiny states, I call them the tiny states, and I mean that in a loving way. I don't really know where I'm at.

[01:01:29] I don't know how I got there. It's all too confusing to me. But I have picked up on the fact that New Hampshire is kinda in your face anti a lot of stuff. Yeah, and nobody really knows why. I don't understand anything. We'll start with the license plate,

[01:01:48] live free or die. Settle down. Switch to decaf if you're that intense on a license plate. Die, just die. Oh my gosh, okay. We don't, you could have picked something happier. Just saying. But I've done shows there and it was super fun.

[01:02:02] They are the only state you don't have to wear a seatbelt. What? Yep. They have a rule for kids, like if you're under 18, but the state of New Hampshire has never implemented the safety law for adults and only has one for those under 18.

[01:02:20] According to Governor's Highway Association Safety, neither a primary nor a secondary seatbelt is in place for adults in the state. That's in 2024? Ralph Nader would be so upset. Poor Ralph. People in New Hampshire are only asked to follow a primary child safe passenger safety law that covers minors.

[01:02:42] So you're 18, you're like, fuck it. I'm out. I'm out. Yeah, if you want to be. According to this law, those below the age of seven and shorter than 57 inches, here we go. This is where now it's going to apply to me. It's my old car seat joke.

[01:02:58] Yeah, well, I'm five foot tall. How many inches is that? 12 times five is, wait, zero, 60 inches. I'm three inches away from being a child. Yep. Now I would have to be secured by an approved restraint system, such as a booster seat, while those between ages of seven and 18

[01:03:18] just need to be buckled up. They put a bill in front of the House of Representatives. It was shot down. Opponents say it's not the government. That's what they don't want. They do not want government stuff. Guns and seatbelts and nope.

[01:03:32] It's just, it was like a, I don't know. It's more of an attitude I would expect in the South somewhere. The whole state's population is 1.4 million. 1.4 of New Hampshire? Yeah, 1.4 million. Oh, well then they're the, I get it. They're Alaska. Yeah, it is Alaska.

[01:03:57] They say that it's a reason to pull you over without having a reason. And I don't disagree with that. It's kind of bullshit. I wish the cops would start pulling over for texting. I'm still sick of the texters. I really think it should be like a DUI.

[01:04:13] If you get caught texting and driving and make it a ridiculous amount of money that you're gonna have to work really hard to pay off and then maybe people will stop. Traffic patterns are fucked up. I saw two accidents going to the airport, clearly texting accidents.

[01:04:26] Somebody's rear-ending, somebody has stoplight. Happened to my friend Drew. It's just, it's so out of hand. People aren't driving their cars anymore. They're looking down at blah, blah, blah. I'm less concerned about the seatbelt. Let's get New Hampshire on the texting. Yeah.

[01:04:42] Anyway, I just thought that was strange. So I'm gonna pay attention now in New Hampshire and see if anybody... Just riding free. Yeah. There's only 773,000 people in Alaska. 33. Right, that's why when Sarah Palin would brag, it's my old joke,

[01:05:03] when she would brag that she was a governor of Alaska, I'm like, right, but there's more reindeer than people, Sarah. I would be way more impressed if you said you were the game warden of all of Alaska. Because sometimes those moose get into town

[01:05:16] and they go in a Hallmark store and start just trashing precious moments and scaring the shit out of old ladies. You gotta get it out. How do you get it out? I don't know what they eat. You gotta get moose treats and get them out.

[01:05:31] This is a little sporting news. And if you don't care about sports, that's okay. But quickly, Aaron Rodgers is to me a malignant narcissistic diva. I felt bad for Jets fans. I'm like, you don't want him. You do and you don't. You felt bad for Green Bay too.

[01:05:53] Well, I felt bad for Green Bay, but I thought Jordan Love was fine. I'm like, get rid of the problem guy and let's get the young guy and give him a chance and put him in your system. He'll be fine. And he was very good last season.

[01:06:05] Is he as good as Aaron Rodgers? Not yet. Well, Jackass Diva, he didn't show up for mini camp. Every June in football, whether you watch it or you don't care, they just have a mini camp and it's really important that everybody show up.

[01:06:22] Because one time I got in the mail a Tennessee Titans package. They thought I was that person. What? I opened it up. I had field passes. I had everything. I had key cards. The whole package. It was a FedEx to go to training camp.

[01:06:35] How funny it would have been if I just showed up. I got my key cards. I'm in. What position were you going to play? Well, I don't know any position I could have played properly, but I would have asked for kicker because it's illegal to hit me.

[01:06:49] It's a penalty if you hit me. So start with that. But me out at the farm, we try to kick soccer footballs with the kids. It is so hard to kick a field goal. Like people don't understand how heavy that ball is and it hurts your foot.

[01:07:03] It's hard. He's just a problem. And he gave no reason. He'll get fine, but he doesn't care. It's like, will he show up? Yeah, they said he's at a ayahuasca. I can't ever say that. That's the thing that Ron went to. Yeah, I mean, whatever.

[01:07:24] Go, go, go, go play and do what you want. But now it's time. You got to act like you're part of a team. And Tom Brady's got a lot to say about that. Crazy person. The Jets kicked off a mandatory mini camp on Tuesday,

[01:07:41] but they were halted by the Hall of Fame. They were without their Hall of Fame quarterback. Some players are excused if they're unable to attend, but this was not the case with him. They said his absence wasn't excused. He's attending an event that's important to him.

[01:07:56] The New York press has started to turn on him. Well, you're a little late. I understand you were excited to get him because he is a very good quarterback when he's... Participating. When he's participating. It's not something the Jets have approved. And there you go.

[01:08:11] So not a good start, Jets fans. And I have nothing against the Jets. They've never even been, I've never even been to teams that I did have in Missouri. Had nothing to do with the Jets. Let's stay on football for a minute. But this isn't football.

[01:08:27] So in case you hate sports, this is about being a human. This is about? This is about Tom. Tom Brady, Tommy, Tommy, Tom. Well, it turns out Tommy's a little crazy. Like not in a bad way, but in a way that he was inducted

[01:08:42] in the Patriots Hall of Fame ceremony and he gave a big speech. You guys have to go online to watch the end. It's in the snotes. Put it in the snotes. But he just starts yelling at the side. He thanks everybody. He has funny things to say.

[01:08:57] Fine, the sisters. But then he... And I just think, I have never lived my life like this. But he's intense when he's saying it. He's like, I would encourage everyone to play football for the simple reason that it is hard.

[01:09:18] And I'm like, ah, how did I get in this TED Talk? I wanna go. Isn't there a fun TED Talk where people are talking about fun things? It's hard when you're young and you wake up in the off season to go train and work out

[01:09:30] knowing that all your friends are sleeping in and eating pancakes. Yeah, that's what I'd like to be doing. Love a pancake. I'm just saying this is a great speech if you wanna be number one. I'm very comfortable at six or seven or lower.

[01:09:43] Like that's why I could never run for president because every time in the debates, it doesn't matter which person it is. They're like, the United States needs to be number one. I'm like, do we? Have you been to Italy? It's really nice. How about Ireland?

[01:09:58] You don't, do you have to be, what, why? Why do you have to be number one? Like what does that get you? What is that a sense of accomplishment? Well, if you set your goal lower than your tiny accomplishments will get you to the same feeling.

[01:10:14] Anyway, my TED Talk will not be this intense and there will be a bar in the back if I can make sure that the place has alcohol. It's hard when you're in your practice weighed down with all your gear and it's 90 degrees out

[01:10:26] and all the other kids are at the pool or the beach. Yes, and your body's already completely exhausted from workouts and two a days, meaning two practices a day like the football kids have to do morning and evening. It's hard to throw a block catch and tackle

[01:10:40] and hit kids when they're bigger than you way more developed move than you. You can only go home bruised and battered but knowing that you have to show up for the next day just for the chance to try again this, to try again.

[01:10:51] But understand this, life is hard and he's going. I'm like, oh my God. Who, what? Tom! Did he do cocaine? What? This is, they remind me of people that I worked at restaurants with that did a lot of cocaine. I don't think Tommy ever does cocaine

[01:11:05] but I'm saying the intensity. Very fiery. Yeah, life is hard. No, I don't think so. I've had a lovely time. It's fine, it's actually silly to me. If anything, life is just, I don't know. It's just kind of stupid but in a fun way. It's fun, you're here.

[01:11:24] Enjoy your life. No matter who you are, there are bumps and bruises and hits, my advice is to prepare yourself because football lessons teach us that but he says everybody could go play football. Well, the girls can't. No. So you didn't even think about

[01:11:38] and he has sisters that he really likes. He should, the sister should have caught this. Flag football. Yeah, but he's talking about block, catch and tackle. It's hard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Football is hard. Wow. Anyway, football teaches us lessons that success and achievement come from overcoming adversity

[01:11:59] and the team accomplishment far more exceeds anyone's individual goals. To be successful in anything, the truth is you don't have to be special. You just have to be what most people aren't, consistent, determined and willing to work for it. No shortcuts. I love shortcuts. Oh my God.

[01:12:18] If you look at my teammates here, it'd be impossible to find better examples of men who embody that work ethic, integrity, purpose, determination and discipline that it takes to be a champion. Like if you got a kid who's all jacked up and wants to be number one,

[01:12:35] have him listen to this speech every day. If you got a kid who seems, you know. Complacent. Yeah, just fine having a nice time. They don't need to hear that. Or let them hear it and it'll just reinforce I ain't doing any of that shit. No, I'm not.

[01:12:53] He's a little fired up. He's having a rough year. He's very fired up, I know. This is kind of crazy interesting because I thought this would happen. This is why. So when they said a long time ago, Colorado was gonna get weed and marijuana is legal

[01:13:09] and then all the people freak out and there's jokes in my specials about it. Colorado, but this was always my point. Once you get to a certain age, I don't know. I don't even wanna say an age because then people will judge that

[01:13:26] but I am not a pot smoker. I have tried it many, many times. You're not against it. Well, because it's less calories than drinking but I do good with drinking. I'm really good, really good at it. Like really good. Even if there's no liquor that I'm familiar with,

[01:13:42] I know how to manage it. Like if I get to a thing and it's just, I really can only drink Pinot Noir. I can't Merlots and the heavy ones just too much of a hangover, it's not worth it. My headaches, it's like an allergy thing

[01:13:54] but if they don't have Pinot Noir, I simply slide into something else but I know how to manage the evening. The transition and managing your evening. But so anyway, making weed legal isn't gonna wanna make me go buy weed. This is where the anti-weed people

[01:14:12] didn't seem to understand. And I could have told you that at 18. So don't say it's because, oh, well you grow up and you... No, no, I smoke pot and I fall asleep. That's the end of it. It's absolutely stupid for me. Doesn't agree with my system.

[01:14:28] No, I tried an edible Ron gave me and then he didn't explain anything and I didn't think it did anything. So I was like, this is stupid. I'm not gonna buy weed. I didn't think it did anything. So I was like, this is stupid.

[01:14:41] And then I ate the rest of it and then I fell asleep for like 24 hours. Like it's just stupid. So I thought, go ahead, make weed legal. The people that were like, everybody's gonna be high. It's gonna be apocalyptic. No, I don't care.

[01:14:55] There's plenty of people like me too. Or they do none of it. Just I'm not a weed, I'm not a drinker, whatever. I'm a vegan. Right, well, Colorado's weed market is coming down hard and it's making other states nervous because then all these places

[01:15:09] and then I had all my stoner friends were like, we gotta get in on the ground floor. And I'm like, no. And then the other super curious part, somebody should do a documentary. Maybe I'll bring this idea to my Ted talk

[01:15:22] and see if someone wants to do it cause I'm not gonna do it. Because that's why my Ted talk says I'm number eight because I'm not gonna do it. Like I have so many comedian pothead friends and it was always weird at the improv or the comedy clubs.

[01:15:38] The stoners hung with the stoners and the drinkers hung with the drinkers because the stoners were usually outside getting high and then we're inside at the bar. It wasn't that we don't like them or anything like that. But my pothead friends still use their weed guy.

[01:15:53] And yeah, some of them are old and they're just used to their weed guy. But even the younger ones are like, no, I got a guy. They don't go to these places and buy this weed. And then I went in and asked them

[01:16:04] and my mom swore there was pot lotion that she puts all over and it solves all of our arthritis. And I'm like, well, I went into it and I'm like, can I get a bottle? One heats up like icy hot warming one

[01:16:17] and the other one's just regular lotion and I didn't know which one to get. She wasn't answering her phone, which is never charged. And I go, I'll just take both. And the lady's like, that'll be $500. I go, what? And then I thought, well, I promised it.

[01:16:36] So I did it and I'd never tell them what things cost because then they'll feel bad. And then she called, she goes, that lotion you bought me is so great. I put it all over your father's back.

[01:16:47] I'm like, no, you're supposed to use like a size of a dime. And I'm like, I go, mom, just FYI, that stuff's a little pricey. She didn't need to know $250 a bottle. I thought it would last like a year or two, two years.

[01:17:01] And then in my math, I'm like, well, it's only $8 a month. I did shitty math, but I'm like, they're worth it. But in that, like I went in Aspen, there was a fancy pot store and then there was like a not so fancy one,

[01:17:14] but there were like a lot. And I'm like, you're all competing against one another. I don't know. It's crazy. So like some of the dispensaries are already closing. They're also weird. Like you have to show your ID, it's cash only. It's all very strange.

[01:17:31] Can't you use a separate bank? Yeah, I'm like, that's what I'm looking at, Ron. I'm like, can we just go to the liquor store where shit's on the up and up? What's going on in here? What is good? And why aren't they robbed more often

[01:17:42] when I know there's all that cash back there? Or maybe they are. I don't keep up with it. I don't know. The dismal state of the cannabis market. What was once a success story has now left a trail of failed businesses and cash strapped entrepreneurs in its wake.

[01:17:57] Regulatory burdens and oversaturated market and increasing competition from nearby states have landed major blows, leaving other states with newer marijuana markets scrambling to avoid the same mistakes. Well, how many are you gonna have? Right. Maybe you should poll your city. How many people are pot people?

[01:18:18] And then do you have your own weed guy and would you vary from him? Your weed guy. Go, put it in the back. It's just even where we went with the restaurants I worked at like cattle company, they're like, yeah, Macco's the weed guy

[01:18:31] in case you're a weed person. I'm like, no, I'm not. Who's gonna get me secret beers? Cause I'm only 17. In 2020, the market soared to 2.2 billion. Just three years later, sales had plummeted to 1.5 billion leading to layoffs, closers and downsizing. The market downturn has spelled trouble

[01:18:47] for the state finances too. Colorado took in more than 282 million in cannabis tax revenues in the last fiscal year. Cause then they started doing all that. Initially, the banks wouldn't even take their money because of all that. And then the regulations came in and I don't know,

[01:19:05] I just thought this would happen. Tourists who once flooded the state for opportunity legal experience Rocky Mountain highs have largely disappeared as the novelty has worn off. That's the other thing. Hey, it's legal. All right. Same in Vegas, same in Nevada.

[01:19:22] Even Texans aren't driving North to buy weed anymore satisfied with the proliferation of intoxicating hemp products in their own state. It's a cautionary tale for states with their own weed programs. A top New York cannabis official recently pointed out, pointed to Colorado's dramatic marijuana market downturn

[01:19:41] to justify regulators hesitance to issue too many licenses at once. That's yes. Absolutely. Yes. How many liquor stores can we have in one neighborhood? I mean, it's the same. Well, depends on who's... Depends on if I'm in your neighborhood. Oh. Yeah. So cautionary tale. All right.

[01:20:07] Missouri is legal and gambling online is not. Tennessee, gambling online is legal and weed is not. Thankfully I'm not a weed person, but I am a gambler. So I would like, I check every week before I go on the road

[01:20:19] to see if I'm gonna be in gambling jail. And for all the states that aren't allowing it, why, why, why, why? Your phone's burning up in the Delta club. We're gonna close. Well, I have to say, hold on, this is gonna be my last one.

[01:20:37] But then I had to do a couple of thank yous. I have to find that piece of paper. Hold tight everybody. Where are you going this week? I'm going to Charlestown, West Virginia and I can't be stopped. It's sold out. It's sold out. It's a casino.

[01:20:51] You finally say the right date. I've said the wrong dates. I apologize for that. Just a couple of termite shout outs and we're gonna do our take, take. Well, my last story and then the quotes. Maya gave me a sound and music souvenir folio, very nice.

[01:21:05] And some homemade paper journals that are super cool. An unnamed termite sent me the Dolly Biscuit mix which I will make an opossum key chain. Gene and Drew, Gene, Gene, Gene and Drew sent this fishing kit. This guy, I don't usually promote people's stuff

[01:21:22] but this guy just did it for fun. He's retired and he made up his own fishing lures and they're wonderful. You gonna use them? Yes, absolutely. It's called the Ned Rig Kit. And then he gives you, here's what I love. He gives you the little jig heads

[01:21:36] which are the weights to attach the worm, the plastics. You attach it but sometimes they don't give you those and then you're guessing at which weight. But anyway, it's the Ned Fishing Rig Kit designed by Drew. That's Gene's husband. Nice.

[01:21:53] Missy made my, this is an All Star handmade thing. My mom's All Star pills. That's fun. Which she certainly still has and I'm starting to make my own bottle. That's great. And then Rob, the Orlando Germite, he gave me a what would Dolly do artwork thing. It's great.

[01:22:13] So thank you to all the termites who did all that. And this is a story that makes me very happy. Then we're gonna do a couple of quotes and send you on your way. A cat just earned his doctorate from a Vermont university. They gave him a doctorate.

[01:22:34] For many graduates, their college degrees come at the end of at least four years spent roaming the campus. Max, a six year old tabby cat is no difference except now he's a doctor of literature. Get it? Literature. He's been visiting Vermont State campus

[01:22:53] ever since his owner, Ashley Dow, began letting him out of the house, which is in walking distance of the school. They said that the very affectionate Max is the first one to greet him in the morning. That's the Dean of Admissions.

[01:23:03] And will even come inside in the admissions during winter time. The rest of his daily routine revolves around where the students are. He'll frequently head up the hill and park himself outside our main academic building so the students come and go from class.

[01:23:15] He often sometimes would just be sitting on the wall. He doesn't shy away from climbing all of his students. So he'll get up on their backpacks and they walk around and everybody's doing selfies. I would say he's a charismatic cat because he brings people together.

[01:23:28] He stands up in purrs if you've gone in his favor. He also greets visitors who come for school, tours of the school. He feels like he has a job to do welcoming the people. Max earned a degree at the pivotal time in the university's history.

[01:23:43] Vermont State's University 2024 class marks the first combined graduating class after the merger with Castleton University, Northern Vermont University and Vermont Technical College. The three schools combined to form Vermont State University in 2023. Yeah, don't need to do all that. The furry graduate even has his own school email

[01:24:08] and directory page. Wait a second, hold on one second. He got an honorary doctorate. This lady and her daughter, a student at Vermont, they monitor Max's emails and have responded to messages from as far away as Germany and England. Go on. Yeah.

[01:24:31] There used to be a feral cat problem in the community causing Max to be regularly attacked by other cats. So she put posters around the campus asking students to send her a text or bring Max home if they saw him after dark.

[01:24:43] Soon they were arriving on her doorstep with Max in hand. So they bring him home at night. Oh my God. Wow. He did not do the walk at the ceremony when his name was called. Well, he's a cat. Yep, might wanna be trained a little more. Yep.

[01:24:57] He may, a dog would, some dogs would. Lukey wouldn't, my brother's dog. He might've if you had food. Lukey was in for a deal. It's a really cute story, cute cat. Good job, Vermont. Good job. All right, let's find two quotes and then I gotta go.

[01:25:15] Can't go on doing something. What's opening this weekend? Opening this weekend is Michael Somerville. Michael Palisak. I just saw Michael Somerville, that's why he's on my brain. Michael Palisak, he's very, very funny. Go on his Instagram, he likes Instagram. Here's a Tay Tay quote. Hold on.

[01:25:43] This was with Marie Claire in 2015. There are two ways you can get through the pain. You can let it destroy or you can use it as fuel to drive you to dream bigger, work harder. That's sort of the Tommy Salami. Yeah. Yeah, that's like the Tom Brady school

[01:26:02] of just get off your ass. Wake up. Fuck pancakes. No. But the super driven people, they bother me because... I can't wait to hear this. Because they don't question the structure ever. No. Well, I shouldn't say ever, but like working nine to five.

[01:26:26] When I got out of college and got a real job for a year and a half, that's all I lasted. I'm like this nine to five is ridiculous. That's why I like the children. They question these things. I'm good from 10 to seven. Yeah. I'm really good. Yeah.

[01:26:40] But why does it have to be eight to five or nine to five? Right. Who said that and who decided that? And then, but then there's always the jackasses like in my real job, they're all supposed to be by nine working. They're there at eight, they're at eight.

[01:26:53] Yeah. And then they judge you. They judge. And then everybody's like, well, I guess we better get here earlier. No. No. Don't give in. Do not cater. No. Oh, patience, patience termites. Dolly's been very quiet. Discussing her distinctive look in an interview with the Times.

[01:27:18] People know I have no taste. No style, no class. If I have any class, it's all low. No matter how I dress, I'm going to look cheap. See, that's accepting yourself. That is saying it's okay to just not be. Nope. I don't know.

[01:27:35] Maybe people get a kick out of number one. Like I've won shit, but I didn't, I don't know. I was a hoop shoe champion in Missouri girls age 12 to 13. I got 15 out of 15 underhanded. Was I afraid of that? Was I embarrassed? No.

[01:27:52] If underhanded is going to get me there, I did slay it. I just, I don't, I really like when they say USA, we have to be number one, USA, yeah. Have you been to Greece? I know they're bankrupt. I'm aware of that, but the EU's bailing them out.

[01:28:12] But you know, there's plenty of countries that are relaxed and they're not number one. They just, life is just different and not so intense. And that would be, yeah. I'm going to work on my Ted talk. How to successfully get to the middle and enjoy your life.

[01:28:27] Enjoy all the things that Tom's talking about. Pancakes, sleeping in. You're never going to get to sleep in again in your life. Probably a whole summer, probably never going to happen. So you know what? Make your dreams happen. Embrace the middle.

[01:28:42] Yeah, maybe Tom, we all don't have the dream to be a number one. Maybe that, maybe I dream of pancakes and sleeping in. That's why I'm still a Cardinals fan this year. I'm so mad though. My mom agreed to, her and my dad watch every game

[01:28:59] and she'd watch them when my dad went home. It's not like it was his deal. They're so bad and they will not fire people. And then the owner got on and said some really shitty things on a podcast.

[01:29:13] And I'm like, wow, you're not even trying to act like... He's just an asshole. And I just... Who's your number two team? My number two baseball team? The Cubs. Yeah, they're like your younger siblings. Yeah. You can go be a baby Cubs fan this year.

[01:29:30] Yeah, well until the Cardinals get their shit together. Go Cubs. Go Cubs. But they're not really that good. It's all the Dodgers. It's not, the Cubs aren't very good either. I'm predicting a Fuller to Panther win. We'll see. I did not see Rory McIlroy losing that tournament

[01:29:51] the way he did. Poor sportsmanship at the end. I know a lot of people feel that way about Bryson DeChambeau, but he did win. Not very good form there, Rory. Not that he's listening. Here's what I think about you skipping and not saying congratulations

[01:30:04] and walking to the parking lot like a big old baby. Ah! Should have said congrats. Ah! Here's what I say about you missing three putts that were less than three feet. Ah! One was only two feet. Ah! That monkey on his back just gained 50 more pounds. Ah!

[01:30:25] That's called mini golf. It's been 10 years since you've won a major. Ah! You've called off your divorce and no one knows why. They say you're worth 250 million, you have to give her half. I think that's why. Probably. Yeah, don't give it to the lawyers. Whoa, whoa, reconcilable differences.

[01:30:46] Yeah, or just split it up amongst yourselves. Don't pay the lawyer the fee. That's why my dad quit being a divorce attorney after like two hours of it when he was young. He's like, there are no people on earth more unpleasant.

[01:31:00] I don't want to spend my days like this just arguing over bullshit. Well, who gets the lawnmower? And he said, at some point I just realized I don't give a shit. And he quit being a divorce lawyer. That was right out of college.

[01:31:12] We have a hat coming to the store. Oh, we got a hat coming for merch? Yep. Great. I have to go get my fat tire sweatshirt fixed. It has a hole in it. And it's my favorite tiny hoodie. It's a perfect summer hoodie.

[01:31:26] And I haven't been back to the Fat Tire Brewery in eons. I need to get back there. Time to go. Time to go. All right, you're ready.