Episode 169: Donna Kelce’s Cookies, Negotiating Landlines & My Dad Becomes a Crime Boss

[00:00:01] Hey everybody, it's me Kathleen Madigan. Welcome to Madigans Pubcast. You grab yourself a drink, pull up a bar stool, and let's talk about what's been going on. Termites! Welcome. I'm Stevie. Welcome. Welcome. Let me move my tambourine. Welcome.

[00:00:32] Yes, I have a Chief's blinking hat on for episode 169 because the Chiefs were victorious. Wow, what a game. The game, the first half was boring. Oh, shit. Stevie just ate shit. I hope she didn't break her neck. Oh no. But she's a witch, she'll fix it.

[00:00:54] She landed on her tambourine. She landed on her tambourine. Oh well. It's hard to get her back in her stand sometimes. She won't cooperate. The first half, a little boring. Super Bowl.

[00:01:05] But before we get into all that, why are we drinking? Well because I was in the Ozarks and went through St. Louis. A little McGlobe Golden Light from the Anheuser-Busch Brewery where my uncles worked for years in St. Louis, Missouri. Cheers.

[00:01:19] And a little tasting treat from St. Louis. Old Vienna Red Hot Corn Chips, which really means hot Fritos. In case you're wondering what a corn chip means. It's not. They're great.

[00:01:34] They're great. Old Vienna. I'm saying this. They're really good. If you want a hot Frito, this is what I would suggest you buy. Like Frank's Red Hot? Yeah, it's like Frank's Red Hot. They're very hot. But they're good.

[00:01:49] If you want to change up a Frito. But once again, I have no need to change up a Frito. Because they're perfect. They're perfect. With a screwdriver. Right.

[00:01:57] So, screwdrivers and Fritos. That's when I sat next to Anita Baker on an airplane. We had screwdrivers and Fritos all the way to Detroit. It was wonderful.

[00:02:06] Breakfast at Champion. I couldn't believe she asked, you all got any Fritos? I'm like, what are the fucking odds? And they did! I'm like, I love Fritos! Mmm, seven layer dip. Kettle Chips. In honor of the Super Bowl. These are great. Nice.

[00:02:23] Yeah, I usually don't like Kettle Chips. They're too overcooked or something. Yep, well done. That really tastes like seven layer dip. Last thing in honor of the Super Bowl. Hidden Valley Ranch came out with a Pickle Ranch.

[00:02:37] Oh, the children will go crazy. For the children. For the children. And their ranch. God. Easy squeeze. That's an easy squeeze. They're all easy squeezes. Let me see the Pickle Ranch. See, I'm pretty good on just ranch. I don't need any other...

[00:02:54] Oh my God. That is very pickley. Great. No. No. No. As my dad would say, nah nah nah nah nah. No. The parents are fine. You know, all things considered.

[00:03:16] I'm not going to say whose parents, but everyone my age's parents have entered a realm of existence that is beyond the pale. One friend, my dad fell, somebody found him in a bush. I won't say whose mom, but said they wanted to go on hospice,

[00:03:36] which means stop all medications. And then she got better and busted out of hospice. She wanted to go and then she changed her mind. And now she's out at 89 running around. I mean, it's just it's incredible at this age that shit, the texts that come.

[00:03:53] None of it's funny, but I mean, at some point you have to. I don't know. I don't know. You just can't wake up to texts that say, you know, so and so, we found my mom in a bush.

[00:04:10] It's just what they're falling over all the time. It's just a lot going on with the old people. Big difference between 70 and 80. And then I'm just going to tell this story. This doesn't, this is not political.

[00:04:25] This is just a story about my dad. So we went to physical therapy and there's a lot of people in there. We're in the Ozarks, so it's a lot of Trump voters and probably not so many non-Trump voters.

[00:04:40] And the lady that was helping him with the physical therapy, well, I had to do his paperwork and I had to grade him on stuff. I'm like, you better be nice to me because I got the pen here.

[00:04:52] I'm just going to give you all zeros if you don't act right. And my dad goes, because now he talks like a 1920s crime boss for some reason. I don't know what happened in the last stroke, but his voice sounds like this now.

[00:05:08] And he, the lady that was helping him, very nice, 40-something, originally from Iowa. And he, sometimes his voice gets real quiet, but other times it's super loud. And this place is packed with people doing physical therapy, occupational therapy, but it's like a giant wide open gym.

[00:05:27] You can hear everybody else's conversations, blah, blah, blah. And he says to the lady, so you're from Iowa, huh? He goes, ah, you know, people in Missouri, we have a stereotype of people in Iowa like that Norman Rockwell painting, like where they had two farmers holding a pitchfork

[00:05:43] and they look real stern. And the lady goes, oh yeah, I mean, I know the painting. And you know, there are farmers like that in Iowa. He goes, right, right, right, this is what I want to ask you.

[00:05:53] So there's a lot of people like that in Iowa for real, right? And she goes, well, you know, the city is Des Moines, it's a real city. But yes, out in the farms.

[00:06:00] And then it got really loud and he goes, I don't understand how people like that vote for Trump. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Dad, I go, volume, volume. He goes, it's just a question.

[00:06:15] I mean, I'd love an answer if everybody's so startled by the question. Can I get an answer from somebody? I go, they're still crying about Toby Keith dying this morning, Dad. We got to get beyond Toby Keith, Dad. Nobody can believe it.

[00:06:28] I just, I, internally I laughed my ass off, but I also was like, let's get out of here. Let's just go. Let's not do politics and physical therapy, Dad. Let's not. Let's not do that. How in Christ's name can those people vote for Trump?

[00:06:45] It's against their own interests. I don't understand it. Okay, well, we can explain it later maybe. But right now, because you did good in your therapy, we're going to McDonald's to get a shake. That's the end of that. Oh my God.

[00:07:00] But I do love the Ozarks in the winter because all the tourists are gone and it's just the locals. And you can go, went to the Willow is my favorite bar, which is back in the, it's not really on the lake or anything.

[00:07:10] But if you want a great food and a great bar, go to the Willows. It was fried chicken night. We had to get there super early. The fried chicken is great. And they have white and brown gravy. Take your pick. Yeah, you could go southern white.

[00:07:26] It's just, then they have, oh my God, this meatloaf. My sister-in-law weighs probably a hundred pounds, if that. I'm always astonished when she orders a meatloaf because I can't believe she eats the whole fucking thing. I'm like, oh my God, it's amazing.

[00:07:38] I'm like, Amy, I think I see you eat twice a year. And boy, you nailed it. That meatloaf, it's just all that kind of food. But anyway, that's just a local commercial because I like the people who own it too.

[00:07:48] And it's Willows with an E because they don't mean willows like the flower thing. They saw how much debt they'd be in if they purchased it. So it's Will O's. O-W-E-E-S. Right. Anyway, so that's what we're drinking. So, and there's what we tasted. How was your Super Bowl?

[00:08:08] First half. Well, let's rewind. I do love Post Malone. Me too, I love Post. Yeah, I'm not mad about the Black Anthem or whatever they want to call it, but I do picture one of my neighbors who I know that infuriates him.

[00:08:24] I'm like, uh-oh, he's going to blow a gasket. That lady sang really good, whatever her name was. Audrey Day. Audrey Day, she sang good. I don't really, I'll have to get more familiar with the song. But Post, I really like his music.

[00:08:39] I don't think he's a great singer. Well, he did fine. He did fine. It was fine. But I don't think Stevie's a great singer. Stevie has a great weird voice that I happen to love. But is she?

[00:08:54] What are you going to do with America the Beautiful to kick it up? America the Beautiful? Yeah, he did a great job. Well, he did this little country acoustic version. You come out like Chris Staples and her prince and you fucking crush it. That's what you do.

[00:09:06] You're a hater. No? And Reba? Here's the problem. All day long on social media, I just re-watched Whitney singing the national anthem over and over and over. And there's nothing, nothing. Chris Stapleton's was good, but nothing's ever going to top that.

[00:09:23] And I don't know who wrote that song, but there was no reason to make it that difficult to sing. It's hard to sing. The Star-Spangled Banner? Yeah! Or the ramp. I mean, it gets crazy at points.

[00:09:35] But that's why if you can get somebody like a Celine or a Whitney, well, there's flyovers happening. I mean, Reba's was good. She's been doing it since she's four. She probably doesn't even need a teleprompter. She's probably got 18 versions.

[00:09:50] She could probably do it in Spanish and Christ knows what. But it was fine. Yeah. That's what I would expect to hear at a rodeo. Yeah. Good. She sings well. Yeah. I was a little surprised CBS, because isn't she on those shows on NBC? Yeah.

[00:10:08] I'm surprised they allowed that. They haven't caught on to that. CBS does not understand cross-promotion. NBC does. All day long, all they do is interview one another. Yeah, they're in the morning show.

[00:10:18] We got eight people from our nighttime shows coming on in five minutes, and then the nighttime show's like, oh, look who showed up! It's Craig Melvin. Come on in! They're the kings of cross-promotion. And anyway, so moving on to football. I was all Chiefs.

[00:10:31] Your friend Ken was a producer. My friend Ken produced the Nickelodeon one for the children. For the children. Yeah. And sometimes after listening to Tony Romo, because I cannot... You got to get the ball to the best man on the field. Shut up! Shut up!

[00:10:47] I just want to go... Oh my God, he makes my ears bleed. He makes my head hurt. I love Troy Hill. I love Troy Aikman, but Tony Romo? I can't. Or no, is it the opposite way? No. Tony, he's just... No, I can't. Whatever.

[00:11:09] So it's more fun if you go to Nickelodeon. Right. Yeah. Or sometimes I like to switch over to the Spanish broadcast. Super fun. Yeah. Because just by its nature, the Spanish language sounds more fun than English. In Deportes. No. Primo nueve.

[00:11:28] Oh, primo nueve. Press nine. That's what that means. I'm learning all my Spanish from being on hold at Walgreens. Oh, primo nueve. And from watching Narcos season three. I'm telling you, if you've never seen Narcos season three, I didn't even know it came out.

[00:11:46] And now I'm sick. I don't know. I guess I don't know. I don't know when it came out. But now I'm six episodes in and I can't stop. But you have to like that kind of stuff. Because then people go, is it violent? It's drug trafficking.

[00:11:58] No, it's not violent at all. Everybody has lovely contracts and they're signed in an office. And then we all go out to lunch and have a salad. Yes, it's violent. It's drug trafficking, but it's really happening. People need to pay attention. I love it. I love it.

[00:12:15] But I'm learning a lot of Spanish there too. I'm picking up words left and right. I learned the difference between vamos and vamonos. Oh, good. Vamonos means let's get out of this place. Like immediately. Vamos means come on, let's go. Like in general, let's get moving.

[00:12:31] Not like let's get the fuck out right now. Right. I didn't know. With our coca. Straight off my Super Bowl. Now, like I said on this podcast, I had the 49ers going all the way until a month ago. Well, I had fell out my bracket a month ago.

[00:12:48] And the Chiefs weren't looking that good. But then they heated up, heated up, heated up. So I took the Chiefs in the money line. And then inside that, I teased the under down to 41. So boom, I won a shit ton of bets.

[00:13:01] And then I added McCafferty to that parlay. Boom, boom, boom. Because I said the Chiefs are going to win this outright. And they did. That two points, I don't even care. Keep your two points. It doesn't matter if you don't understand gambling.

[00:13:14] Somebody wrote on Twitter, it was so funny. Dear Swifties, what you need to do is if you don't understand gambling, walk up to the betting cage and say, all my money on Travis's boyfriend money line. Taylor's boyfriend. Taylor's boyfriend money line.

[00:13:33] And then that would have give them the bet that I had and they would have won. But I don't know how many of the Swiftie non-gamblers would have done that. But that was all you got to say. I think they don't understand the language.

[00:13:42] It just means who's going to win, forget about points. Just winner. Pick one. We need to do a whole podcast on gambling. I would do a podcast. I would like to start a show, me and Lou want to start a show called The Enabler.

[00:13:54] It's the opposite of fixing problems. We start problems. We teach you how to go into things that are addictive and chancy and not like math or nothing. We're not going that far. We're just saying, would you like to learn how to drink? We'll show you.

[00:14:10] We'll show you how to gamble. Here's what we know about smoking. Here's what we know about vaping. Here's what we know. We're not encouraging it. We're just saying, if you're choosing this path, here's some information. Somebody should have given me information a thousand years ago about edibles.

[00:14:25] I don't know anything about pot. And then Ron drops off his weed, which is apparently like that of Martians. I mean, you know, and I eat half a cookie and I don't know I'm in a swimming pool. Like, fuck you, man. Tell me this is dangerous.

[00:14:40] Like, I am just not good with pot. I am not a pot person. I never have been. I try every year because it's a lot less calories than drinking. But sometimes you just have to accept what you are. Yeah, I'm not a pot doesn't do well with me.

[00:14:53] I just go straight to sleep. I'm always on the verge of falling asleep anyway. So anyway, I thought the Chiefs and the 49ers, it was a shit show the first half. I mean, good defense if that's it's like saying it was a pitcher's duel in baseball.

[00:15:08] I don't care. I want to see points. I want to see running. I want to see success, just failure, failure, failure. And then I said my walrus, Andy Reid, because one of my friends was up at the golf course watching it.

[00:15:21] I said, no, don't ever lose faith in the walrus. The walrus is going to come on the edge of that dock and sink their boats. Trust me, you can't. Because I think he's just older than Shanahan. He has more experience and therefore smarter. He's more intelligent.

[00:15:38] He wants his cheeseburgers. You know he's going to have them win or lose. He's getting four cheeseburgers delivered. If you'd like to hear more about that, you can come see my real act. I have a lot of Andy Reid jokes.

[00:15:48] But I just think it's like playing against your dad. And he's smarter. He's more life experience than you. He's going to know shit you don't know. The overtime, oh really, you're going to take the ball first? I'm sure the walrus was like, bang, yam, yam, yam. Mistake!

[00:16:09] Mistake, San Francisco. But I like Brock Purdy. I like Deebo Samuel. I love McCaffrey. I love a lot of people on the 49ers and I still think they're awesome. But I think the last month, the Chiefs get serious. And Patrick Mulhomes is...

[00:16:26] Here's how I kept saying to Lewis. You have one cap, you only get one player. Do you want Patrick Mulhomes or Brock Purdy? You got to take Patrick. And that's who will win the game. And they did.

[00:16:41] I won on a square, I won a neighbor spot, which is $100. Well it only cost $100 to get in. My mom and dad won the big square, $600. And they won a neighbor, $700. Can't wait to see how they're going to spend that. At the Willows.

[00:16:56] At the Willows or the casino. The second half was awesome. I mean, I thought now we have a game. And I always feel like the first quarter in every Super Bowl is weird because everybody's nervous. Nobody knows what the other team's going to do. It's just bonkers.

[00:17:13] And the place was... Tay-Tay's up in the box. Not with Brittany. She's in a different box. But there was a meme of Donna Kelsey and she's on her phone. It's just a picture of Donna sitting by herself in a house. And she's in a chunk of seats.

[00:17:29] And she's Googling something. And it made me laugh because it's the exact same thing I did. Who is Ice Spice? I don't know who Ice Spice is. I'm like, why are they saying weird things? She's her friend. Yeah, whatever. You know, good for her. She flew back.

[00:17:49] But they showed other famous people too. So I don't want to hear the whining about, you know... What do you care? What do people care if that's his girlfriend or... I mean, whatever. I like the mom the best. Yeah, she looks like your good old Wisconsin mom

[00:18:03] that has some sort of crockpot thing going at all times. Cleveland Heights. Oh, Cleveland? They're Ohio? I don't know why I thought... What's his face go to? Wisconsin? Nope. Jason? Nope. They both went to Cincinnati. Okay, well they seem like Ohio Midwest people with a crockpot.

[00:18:21] How about that? Usher? I like the shoes. The roller skating part was fun. I just... These hits are from 2004! Yes. What is going on? Do we have anybody who has had a hit in the last 10 years? But I think, like comedians, I think the musicians have caught on,

[00:18:42] don't take that gig. What? Nobody wants to host an award show. Because there's no pay or it's minimal and you have a much bigger chance of wrecking shit than you do of building things. Sure. I mean, there's not a comedian I know that would take the gigs anymore

[00:19:00] to host any of those award shows. Maybe something silly, but not the intense ones. And I wonder if the musicians... I'll have to ask somebody in Nashville. Like is the word out? Because why are we getting people for halftime shows that were popular... When Ludacris came out...

[00:19:18] I was so excited. I know. There's people... Here's all I know. Here's all I know about Ludacris. I sat next to his mother on a Delta flight and she had a Cricket phone. And I told her, that was ridiculous, your son makes millions of dollars

[00:19:34] and you need to tell him you got to get off Cricket. You, ma'am, deserve an iPhone. Or at least my phone, which is a Galaxy. Or how about the Google phone? I don't know. That's all I know about Ludacris. I know her.

[00:19:50] And I was like the guitar playing lady. And I know Alicia Keys. I know Interlude. And I got to say this, and my little friend Anita wouldn't be happy with me, but Babyface opened for Anita. And Babyface is probably the same age as... Mid-40s.

[00:20:06] Oh, is he my age? He's older than... He produced so many hits. Every single song he played, I knew. Usher, I knew that one. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. It's also because we've heard it. Yes, we have heard it.

[00:20:24] It was fine, I mean, but is it memorable? Is it like Prince in the rain? No. Is it like... Babyface is 64. Babyface is 64? Oh my Lord. Well, he really does have a baby face. Good for him. He looks 25. Auntie Bebe is 66. Anita's 66?

[00:20:45] Good for her. Still out on the road killing it. Selling 18,000 tickets a night. Babyface is... Crushing it with no media. Aries and Aries? I don't know any Aries. Oh, scary. So, I don't know, that's my review of the Halftime Show. I guess it's fine.

[00:21:03] I don't know. I don't know who you're supposed to get anymore. You know, you want legends... Pfft. That cross through every generation and every group of people? They're hard to find. Dolly does. Yeah, but she already did the cowboy one in her outfit.

[00:21:20] And I think Dolly's done enough of those. Like, she probably is like, yeah, I ain't gonna do that no more. No. She's eaten cinnamon layer dip. I don't think Dolly's eaten... Though she might be. Something southern. Maybe biscuits. Anyway, the Halftime Show. And then the overtime.

[00:21:37] Yeah, you know, they're all saying it this morning and I agree. San Francisco made a mistake. They shouldn't have put the pressure on themselves. Make the Chiefs show you what they got. Try to hold them to a good position. Make the Chiefs show you what they got.

[00:21:50] Try to hold them to a field goal. But even Kyle Shanahan admitted that. He was like, here was our thing. And then we'd get the ball the third time. And then boom, ball the third time didn't come. Right.

[00:22:03] And then whenever they go, well, we ran it through metrics and analytics. Oh my God, you don't need to run that through analytics. It's a simple thing. Boys on a playground can figure that out. Do you want the ball first or second? Say it.

[00:22:14] And then you go second. And let them show me first. They shouldn't have put the pressure on themselves. Anywho, the second half was great and the overtime was great. It was fun. Good job, everyone.

[00:22:27] And speaking of the Super Bowl, the ads, my favorite one, and I know I'm older. I am a sucker for Arnold Schwarzenegger. I just love him. And I don't even watch 90% of his movies. I got dragged to True Lies one time.

[00:22:43] My friend Chip, a comedian, he's like, come on, Maddie. I go, oh, I don't like those guys. I'd rather read a book, Chip. He's like, oh, come on, don't. So I went. I thought the movie was over like six times and I got so excited it was over.

[00:22:55] It would be like boom, the bridge would blow up. And I'd be like, sweet, we're out of here. And then Arnold's head would pop up in the San Francisco Bay. Did the bridge blow up? I am still here. I'm like, no, you're not. You were supposed to die.

[00:23:09] Oh my God. But I just like him. If you follow Arnold Schwarzenegger on any social media and you like social media, I would recommend it. Because he has pet donkeys that come in the house. Mini donkeys. He's got mini ponies and he eats with them. He's very sweet.

[00:23:22] Except he's very strict. He has a very strict plan. This is very Austrian. You get up, we do the leaps and jumps and the exercises at the gymnasium. You can never skip a day, not even Christmas. No, he's very strict like that. But he seems fun.

[00:23:36] And the ad made me laugh. The Ben Affleck one is too funny. That made me laugh. There were a lot that I don't even understand what the fuck that was. Teemu? I know it's some site. It's all this animation and fantasy shit. It's not.

[00:23:51] It's for the children, I guess. Well, the Teemu must be for the kids because everything the girl in the animated thing wants to buy is like $9. So I'm like, oh, my nieces probably saw that. It's already downloaded on their phone. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

[00:24:03] That's not a cookie you got for them. Yeah. They have a lot of fun. They like Tay Tay. Did you cry at the Clydesdales? I always cry when the Clydesdales are on. Yeah. And there's a new baby Clydesdale in Boonesville, Missouri. That's where they have the babies.

[00:24:21] Are you going? You can go on these tours out there too. We had it all planned out for last Christmas, like a few days before Christmas. And then it was like zero below in an ice storm. Yeah. Yeah. No. So I still do want to go to that.

[00:24:39] That's where they like the Clydesdales that aren't down in St. Louis for the ones that go out on the road and the show, the show, the big ones, the show ponies. But here's the ad. So these Jesus ads, they get me mad out of the gate. Yes.

[00:24:56] I don't want religion or politics in football. No. Sports is supposed to be our one escape where we all just focus on this one thing and have a good time. Once you start doing religious ads and then our political ads, you just

[00:25:07] you're just reminding us that we haven't escaped. And this is what it's supposed to be. Well, these who's behind the Jesus commercials? I Googled it last year. Jesus loves us. No. Yeah. No, Jesus gets us.

[00:25:22] Who is behind the and I Googled this last year and I knew it last year, but nobody seemed to catch on or care. But this is what's going on with that. And what do you think you're going to do? Make somebody a Christian?

[00:25:35] Make somebody a Christian that's not off an ad in the Super Bowl? What are you doing? Seven million dollars an ad. What they spent 100 million. You could think of how many homeless people you could help with that money if you're really, truly a Christian.

[00:25:51] Think of what Jimmy Carter would have done with that money. What would Dolly Parton do with that money? Right. Instead of some ad. Basically, it's the Hobby Lobby guys guy. No family. Yeah. Every second ad is seven million.

[00:26:07] On top of the money it takes to create what are often elaborate commercials designed to grab the headlines. Viewers who watch the Super Bowl took note of a commercial with the tagline, He Gets Us. It was on last year, too.

[00:26:20] I don't know why everybody just woke up to this, but whatever. This year, the ad campaign will have two separate commercials running during the CBS broadcast. We saw the two. Here's what you need to know who's behind it.

[00:26:30] It's led by the group is led by CEO Ken Caldwell, though not many other details are known about the organization still in its infancy. This represents a tiny change from last year when the ads were funded by Servant Foundation.

[00:26:41] That's the one I looked up, but it all goes back to a donation from the Hobby Lobby people. And sadly, of such a little horror at the end of the day, really. Well, before I knew Hobby Lobby did all these bad things,

[00:26:54] they've stolen a shit ton of antiquities and they got busted. I covered those stories on here. They're super bad to the LGBT community. They've spent millions of dollars fighting that. They fight insurance, no insurance for employees that bears controls included in that.

[00:27:13] And look at the well, I don't know a lot of the employees at Hobby Lobby are quite a bit older. I don't care about that. But still, at least in Tennessee and Missouri during COVID, they said

[00:27:26] they'd fire all of them if they didn't go to work right when it was all crazy and nobody knew what was going on. And a lot of those people are older. You don't need a lot of mostly women working there in the 60s.

[00:27:37] They don't they didn't need to get COVID back when there was no vaxes and they threatened everybody. They're just not nice. They're not the idea of a Christian group to me. Sadly, I do love their wrapping paper.

[00:27:50] And I know but this I used to go there before I knew everything. And then I'm like, OK, as much as I hate to give up my wrapping paper and they do have good picture frames. I'm very picky about wrapping paper. I don't like cheap shit.

[00:28:05] I want it to be fancy. And they had a good selection. But yeah, I said, OK. And once I find everything out that they're doing that's not Christian-y, I'm like, OK, I'm out. So I haven't been in one in a very long time, years. I don't know.

[00:28:21] The donors behind the campaign is the family of billionaire Hobby Lobby co-founder David Green, whose son is a board member at quote, Come Near. I don't know what that is. It's some whatever. The He Gets Us spokesman Greg Miller told the ad that they emphasize

[00:28:42] loving our neighbors like Jesus did. Yeah, but meanwhile, like there was one person in there in the ad that looked transsexual. Is that the right word? Transsexual. Yeah, transition. Yes. There's no way they would be nice to that person. No way. I mean, no.

[00:29:05] David elaborated behind the commercials. He wanted to change the perception that Christians are beginning to be known as haters. Well, whose fault is that? What are y'all doing? We are the people that have the very, very best love story ever written.

[00:29:20] And we need to tell the love story, he explained. The ads are intended to appeal to viewers who don't consider themselves religious or at least aren't heavily interested in religion. Well, I don't see that working. No. The commercials intend to modernize Jesus and his message by connecting him

[00:29:37] to current world events such as racial injustice and immigration. Oh my God, you guys are the leaders of. Right. Right. We don't need to go too far. I'm just going to tell you that's who's doing those ads because it doesn't

[00:29:48] make sense. A lot of people are like, I put it on Twitter and I said, this is by the way, this is who's doing it. And all these people were like, yeah, I didn't get, you know, just

[00:29:57] people like, yeah, I didn't get that. What the hell was that? I'm like, right. It's very, very odd. This one about washing everybody's feet. It just. It's really weird. Well, and then there were moments where it looked like that. Remember that video take on me?

[00:30:10] Take me on me. Where it got kind of weird like that, that video. That's what it looked like. All right. We got a lot to get going on here and I've babbled on way too long. King news. I don't have any queen news. No.

[00:30:27] Well, Tay Tay was all over the place. Everybody saw that. There's too much. Jelly Roll was out in Vegas, but I don't know what if he went to the game. And Carrot Top did. Carrot Top got a ticket. He was in Kelly Clarkson's box.

[00:30:39] I was so excited because he really did not have a ticket. And he's the king of Vegas for God's sakes. You have to give the seat top a ticket. Kelly did. Yeah, so that was fun. Yeah. And there was a video of Carrot Top. They did this.

[00:30:56] It was clearly a set up thing, but I don't think it was supposed to be known that it was set up. Whereas there's this guy with Carrot Top and random people walk by and the man with the microphone asked the random person, do you know who this is?

[00:31:06] And Carrot Top is standing there. Well, this one guy walked up and the guy goes, excuse me, sir. Do you recognize this person? And the guy goes, are you the one singing the national anthem? And but then Carrot Top goes, I am not singing it.

[00:31:16] But he did the cross eye like Reba's eye goes a little wacky sometimes. I'm like, oh my God, he just did that. That's all over social media. It's so funny. But yeah, whatever. Snoop Dogg and Master P are suing Walmart and Post Cereal

[00:31:30] for trying to sabotage their cereal. Yeah. I didn't even know he had a cereal. And this is one reason I probably didn't know it. You don't buy cereal at Walmart. You don't buy cereal at Walmart. Well, sometimes I have to go to Walmart for cat things.

[00:31:49] They're suing both arguing that companies intentionally left their cereal products off shelves and hid it in stock rooms in an attempt to sabotage their brand. Yeah. Wow. They argue that when the two rappers approached Post Consumer Brands to get support for this cereal, Snoop cereal,

[00:32:03] I would have named it. I like Snoop, but I would have gone further. I would have named it Snoop. I would have named it Snoop. Snoop Snoop Snoop Snoop Doggy Dogg cereal or something. Snoop Doggies. So the post on the food manufacturer attempted to buy

[00:32:20] it outright to buy the brand. The rappers declined the offer, saying they believed it would destroy the purpose of leaving the companies to their families. Post then suggested an interdepartnership promotion agreement with the Broadus Foods to manufacture, distribute and sell Snoop in December

[00:32:35] 2022, which they would split the profits in half. And then they would sell it to the company. The rapper said Post did not honor their original agreement, citing the manufacturer pretended to be on board with the duo's goals and did not treat the

[00:32:44] cereal like one of its own brands. They entered a false arrangement and they could choke Broadus out of the market and then they hit it in the back. That's terrible. Here's the box. I'd never seen it. It's got a bear on it and it says Snoop cereal frosted.

[00:33:02] It's a bear. It's a bear. It's a bear. I said Drizzlers. The lawsuits added that while the product was listed as sold out or out of stock, so employees found boxes in the cereal of the cereal and stock rooms that they had been coded not to put them

[00:33:22] on store shelves. What was this post being a jackass? Yeah. And Walmart all going in on it. They suffered financial losses. The only reason Suze cereal would not sell is because Post and Walmart intentionally kept it from reaching the market. Man, I hope they win. Yeah.

[00:33:41] Yeah, why did I've never seen? I didn't really, I don't really look at cereal, but I'm gonna trust Snoop that that's bullshit. This is a queen update aside from all the Tay Tay things everyone knows. Disney spent 75 million to get the streaming rights to the movie.

[00:34:01] Oh, to Tay Tay's movie. To her movie, to Tay Tay's movie. See, I don't know if that's enough. If I was Tay Tay, I would've maybe bumped up. I mean, she already made the money from the theaters, but still. It's available March 15th for you people

[00:34:17] who wanna stream it. Yep. This version will have the entire concert for the first time and four additional songs. Yeah. She's worth 1.1 billion. Good girl. Disney paid all that money. That's just an update. So if you wanna go get it, if you're one of the children

[00:34:40] or not even one of the children. We gotta get her a new jersey. She knows she doesn't need a new jersey. She does. She's got a Chiefs jersey on. She needs a Super Bowl one though. I'm not buying a Super Bowl one for a cardboard cutout.

[00:34:51] I'm not doing it. Update. Oh my God, this is insane. This is insane. Member WeWork, member Adam Newman, who I'm obsessed with hating. I cannot believe people fall for this guy's shit. God, how do you not? Sometimes I don't see a con man when they're low key.

[00:35:16] This guy isn't low key. He's running around barefoot, flying in private jets. He's paying for none of it. You know, I don't, he has work meetings where there's open bars and popcorn. That's not right. Well now he's trying to buy WeWork. What?

[00:35:32] Yeah, he's still got billions of dollars. There's no punishment, as it turns out, for people being stupid. And all these people that gave him money, that one Asian guy in charge or whatever that thing was called, I mean, he got royally fucked. But you didn't do your homework.

[00:35:48] This guy's a bullshit con artist and you handed him the money. Five years after his infamous outing for the co-working company he founded, he's trying to buy back WeWork. Lawyers representing Newman's new venture, Flow Global, which is where he's just buying all the buildings

[00:36:05] where people can live, apartments, condos. And then he's gonna be our leader. And my leader and my friend Lorene's leader is the sphere in Las Vegas. That's my leader. Whatever it tells me to do, I do. When it says blinky and it's sleepy, I go to sleep.

[00:36:19] Okay, it's nap time. I love that thing. I love it. I don't care about what's in it. I just like the outside. He's been trying to meet with the company for months to negotiate a deal to buy back the company or provide it with debt financing.

[00:36:35] But WeWork advisors have appeared hesitant to go into the negotiating table with the former CEO. Newman's lawyer said that WeWork had a lack of engagement with him. Yes, run for the hills. Do not speak to this man. Keep going. Somebody else will give you money for your debt

[00:36:53] if you need it. You don't need to go to this, the devil. Jesus. They had... They have... They had not given him the information he needs to make an offer to purchase the company or finance its debt. Good, the company has more than four billion in debt

[00:37:08] according to the New York Times. Yeah. So he's... The rest of it's very technical and businessy. A termite wrote to me. I asked if any termites knew about that place in Minnesota that that Cargill lady is buying all that shit? Nancy, this is good info.

[00:37:26] She said, thanks for asking about Duluth, Minnesota. So this is the one that... It's psycho because the billionaire lady's doing it. Park Point's the world's largest freshwater sandbar that runs seven miles between Lake Superior and the Bay. My grandparents settled there in 1906

[00:37:41] before there was an aerial lift bridge to bring people across. When my parents grew up, their mainly families lived there and poor people due to location. Now in the last 15 years with the weather getting warmer and more people are buying up land,

[00:37:52] there used to be an elementary school in stores. It's bad when Cargill buys up houses to tear down. And then she said she likes the show. So somebody knows what's going on up there. We gotta go visit. Update! So I am obsessed with the sphere in Vegas.

[00:38:09] And I have a thing that I don't have for this week. It's still not making money. I hope this was a long-term idea because if somebody turns off the graphics on the outside, I'm gonna start crying. But here's a little fucker.

[00:38:26] It's all I can think of is word for him. I would just put his ass in jail for a year. He climbed it. A rock climber scales, a massive... It caused $100,000 worth of damage. What? Yeah. How? Well, first of all, I didn't realize it looks...

[00:38:45] He did it without ropes or anything. But then when you see it up close, I've never seen it yet up close. You can see, well, there's all these bars, almost steel planks where you could just climb. It's not smooth.

[00:39:01] I thought it was smooth by the way the graphics come out. You probably have to replace panels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's climbing on all the panels, which a man who bills himself as the official pro-life Spider-Man, he says he's doing this for a GoFundMe

[00:39:19] for some friend who might have an abortion because she can't afford the baby. First of all- That's all too hard. I don't even know that I believe him because he's scaled other shit. Right. Like scaled the exterior massive sphere to raise funds for a pregnant woman, he said.

[00:39:37] He was arrested. They began... Cops started receiving calls about a person climbing the 366 foot tall spherical structure near the strip after 10 a.m. But this is also where I don't understand. Security, hello? Someone brought in pumpkin soup and throwing it at the Mona Lisa. Hello, security?

[00:39:59] Someone's climbing the building. Hello? And it took him forever. It took him forever. He was halfway up. Like I don't understand why there's not... Say, I don't know physically in person how big this is. Let's say four people. And it could be me.

[00:40:15] You don't even need a big person. You just need somebody with a flippin' radio, a walkie talkie, circling the building at all times to make sure this kind of shit... The police department confirmed in an email an hour later that 24 year old Maison de Champ,

[00:40:33] is that really his name? Had been detained. Is really his name is Maison de Champ? No, he made that up. Right. The house of champions? We'll put it in the show. His arrest came just days before the Las Vegas hosts his first ever Super Bowl.

[00:40:50] He's a rock climber who has scaled skyscrapers in Las Vegas and beyond. He posted a short cell phone video Wednesday morning on his Instagram account. They showed him against a blue but cloudy sky with GoPro strapped to his head. We just can't have this kind of shit.

[00:41:06] This is where I get old school, oh grandma crabby. Get off my building. Okay? Because first of all, as a rule follower, my first thought would be that's not mine to climb. It's not my building. If I want to climb my own house, which I would never do,

[00:41:24] I can't even hang a Christmas light higher than my ladder. Nothing's happening higher than my ladder unless I pay someone. You have a three step ladder. I know, I got a two step kitchen ladder and then I have a three step one for the one closet

[00:41:36] because I can't reach anything. Hey guys, I'm here on top of this fear he says in the video when whipping in the background as he's explaining since latest stunt was meant to bring attention to his anti-abortion cause will help raising funds for a pregnant woman who's experiencing homelessness.

[00:41:51] Okay, so correction. Oh, he later said that this will help her cancel her abortion appointment. You know, there's other ways to go about this without getting on public property. That's what I think pisses me off. You don't care that that's not yours. You just don't give a shit.

[00:42:07] Yeah, he's been charged with one kind of felony destruction of personal property and conspiracy to destroy property, a gross misdemeanor. His lawyers would not comment. A spokesman for the sphere thanked the authorities for their support. He scaled Aria, that's a big new casino on the strip.

[00:42:28] That time he said he was protesting mask mandates during the COVID-19 pandemic. He was later charged with misdemeanor disorderly contact and trespassing but prosecutors later dismissed the case. Why? Why? And if he caused $100,000 worth of damage, pay it. Start a GoFundMe, climb something else. Climb something you own.

[00:42:44] What do you own? Climb that. Climb on top of your car. W man. Yeah, oh shit. The police, the fire captain Todd said the stunt was very, very dumb. This is, thank you, Todd. It's official. Thank you, Todd. That's super official, I like it.

[00:43:03] Let's just call it what it is. This is so dangerous. You're not only putting yourself in danger, you're putting firefighters in danger. Yeah, because they got to go rescue you like a cat up a tree. How are you getting down? I don't know how he got down.

[00:43:14] You put anyone else walking below or anybody around this incident in danger. Right, what if you fall and then smash me because I came over to look at my leader. I came over to see what my leader was telling me what to do

[00:43:24] and then you, $100,000 worth of damage. Wow. Yeah. Oh, they also arrested Aaron, Lori, and David because they were recording his climb. His quote team. Right, that's his team, yeah. The friends refused to comment. So there you go. I shouldn't even have said his name,

[00:43:49] but I don't even think that's a real name. No, we'll put it in the snot. I think it's a fake name because he knows he's going to be in a lot of trouble. This is from my research assistant. Heather. Heather, yeah.

[00:44:07] Flat packed, that's what it's called, flat packed. Roman funerary bed found in London. They found a funeral bed. It is really weird. Representing a national first, the Roman funerary bed was recovered by a former Roman, from a former Roman cemetery near Holborn, the Holborn Viaduct in central London.

[00:44:36] It was found alongside five oak coffins adding to a collection of only three other Roman timber coffins ever found in London. All of Europe's just being dug up and there's just shit everywhere. I'm so jealous that this is not one of my jobs in life.

[00:44:53] Nobody told us about this in the Midwest. Hey Kathleen, would you like to go to London and dig around for old Roman cemetery beds? Yes. Yes, I would. Do I have to understand science? Nope. Just a tiny shovel. Just be careful. Be careful, be delicate. Okay, no problem.

[00:45:14] Yeah, I mean, this would be so much fun. I would think, I don't know, maybe I'd get bored. Yeah, it's a whole thing and it's all put together. That's amazing. Yes. Yeah. Good job. Yeah. Do you have... Say funerary. Funerary. Never even heard of that word.

[00:45:35] Nope, learn something every day. Do you have between 1.5 and $2.5 million laying around your house? No. Would you like to bid on the world's first postage stamp? No. Yeah, I know. It's going up for auction at Sotheby's. Isn't it weird the shit people spend money on? It's ridiculous.

[00:45:57] Stinky shoes. Here's Michael Jordan's stinky ass shoes. Stinky shoes. Well, I'd probably rather the tennis shoes than the stamp. I never understood why people cared about stamps. And one time when I was a quote journalist after college,

[00:46:13] I had to go do a story about a lady in North St. Louis that had the biggest stamp collection in St. Louis. Wow. Right. I did human interest stories, but I wrote them. I wasn't on camera. And I went to this lady's house and she was like,

[00:46:30] I'm not even kidding, a hundred. She a hoarder? She was a stamp hoarder for sure. And a lot of Afghans, old people things. And then I had to hear about every stamp. She started opening books and I'm like, oh lady, I don't have this much time.

[00:46:43] This would take another hundred years and you'll be dead by then because nobody lives to 200 and I probably won't even make it to 80. Oh my God, brutal, brutal. Then I had to make this story interesting and I'm like, it's just not. It's just not.

[00:46:58] I'm like, I gotta quit journalism. This is all bullshit. Yeah, I'm going over to that open mic night. At least there's alcohol there. Would you like some tea, honey? While I explain 7,000 years worth of my stamps? No. No.

[00:47:13] Do you have a dog or a cat I could play with while you talk? Any kind of dog, any kind of cat. I'll even take a bird. We don't send many letters these days and when we do, we take envelopes to the post office

[00:47:28] to usually pay a bill or say a formal thank you. Centuries ago, however, letters were the only way literate people could communicate across physical distances. From the year 3000, from the 3000 year old courier service of the Persian empire to the USPS today,

[00:47:42] a letter has been a poetic embodiment of humanity, representing the creation and transmission of ideas and love. After age, I'd say 12, I never got any good mail. No. No. It's all bills and bullshit threatening things. Yeah. Yeah. I love the post office though.

[00:48:05] I have jokes about how much I'll defend the post office. Show me anything else that is as efficient in this country, anything. And shout out to all the women that work at my post office, mostly black women that put up with no one's shit.

[00:48:18] And that's the way the whole goddamn world should run. Some idiot walks up and half of his shit's filled out. No, go to the back. Uh-uh-uh. Don't even bring that here. Don't do it. And I'm like, yeah, we need more of this going on everywhere. At the airport.

[00:48:34] The Apple store. The Apple store runs efficiently. Those children are magic. And you just walk in and they have their little thing and it's like, they already know my name and I don't even want a phone. I don't have an iPhone. Don't do this to me.

[00:48:46] I just want to come in here and change all of your computers to my website. I want my new iPod. I know, I still have an iPod. I got a lot of looks on that. Don't you have music on your phone? I don't know. It's a galaxy.

[00:49:00] Probably not. It's music from a different galaxy. That's why it's a galaxy. I was taught that that drained my battery so I don't listen to music on my phone. I like my old iPod. It's the only tiny ones. You have to get a new charger for it.

[00:49:20] There are no chargers for it. That's what's amazing though, it still runs because it knows I want it to. One of the greatest relics of this profound history in England's very first postage stamp. It's called the Penny Black. It dates to May 2nd, 1840.

[00:49:37] On February 2nd, the stamp and the envelope to which it's attached are expected to fetch anywhere from 1.5 to 2.5 million dollars at Sotheby's. And again, termites, what do we say? What do we do with this? Frame it and have a party? Put it in a shadow box.

[00:49:50] Put it in a shadow box, yeah, we'll take it to Michael's, half off. It's half off every day at Michael's. I don't know when they're gonna catch on, they gotta slow down on that. You don't need coupons. You don't need coupons.

[00:50:01] And even if you go, hey, I heard of it, they go, yeah, fine, and they reach down and pull one out from underneath and scan it. I'm like, okay. I got you, man. Yeah. Thanks for doing that. It's 50% off, because 50% of the time,

[00:50:13] no, I'd say 20% of the time, I go to pick something up and it's crooked. What? They don't frame it right. 80% of the time they do. It just depends on who did your shit that day. Some people are really good at it. I would suck at it,

[00:50:28] because I can't do math. So somebody would sit there and go, I'd like this to be 3 8ths of 2 inches plus. I'd be like, uh-huh, sure. Yeah, sure. You'd write that down? Yeah, let me write that down. And then I wouldn't, yeah. I'd go, I don't know.

[00:50:39] They kind of meant like that. Just do like that. It's fine. Update! The Iceland volcano is still going crazy and I can't, I just can't. It's crossed a highway now. It's exploding again. So many things. These earthquakes in California. I do not understand though,

[00:50:58] because I was in LA long enough. I felt like a 4.7, 4.5, and you notice it. I have friends that immediately text earthquake, earthquake. You know, they'll be like, I felt that one. Oh, that one shook me. My nephew Joey, that one shook me.

[00:51:12] And then I'm texting my other friends. Did you feel the earthquake? Oh no, did we have an earthquake? And they're all in the same area. I'm like, some people are floating around in slippers all day. Just not, yeah. Slippers. I don't know.

[00:51:27] It's erupting for the third time since December. So those people still can't go back to their town Grindavik. It's horrible. But I guess it's part of the deal. If you move there, you know it could go off. A large fissure about two miles long

[00:51:41] opened up in another area. I don't know. I don't know. Grindavik, which remained a ghost town after residents were told to flee their homes late last year when the earthquake, late last year? I mean, we're talking two months now, been gone. Where'd you all go?

[00:51:57] We have any termites in Grindavik? I doubt it. The first eruption occurred December 18th. The second one occurred a month later in January. And now we're doing the third one. Ugh. Officials say the main pipeline that delivers hot water to the region

[00:52:12] was destroyed after lava flowed over it, causing a lack of hot water. Residents have been urged to conserve as much water or electricity as possible. Electric ovens can be used to provide heat. But I mean, at some point you're just like,

[00:52:25] I don't want to be a Pompeii person. I gotta go. If everyone starts their ovens at the same time, the system can fail. It's there for important residents. Follow instructions and only use electric stove for heating. Pull. Oh my God, the main, Keflavik International Airport,

[00:52:46] the country's main airport, is also now without hot water. There's also rumors that there's a fissure close to our power plant. Yeah, so we'll keep you termites updated on that for people who have lives and jobs and kids and activities

[00:52:58] and don't have time for this shit every week. Don't worry, I got you on the volcano. I got it. Yeah. News! I'm kidding. So my friend Chuck Martin, he's a comedian. He has a very funny joke about how we botch executions. And I'm quoting this joke as Chuck's.

[00:53:21] And if you ever come see him, he'll do a better job at this joke than I'm doing. He said, I don't understand why we keep botching executions when the person we want to kill is in a place and there are 900 killers in the place. Right?

[00:53:34] It's pretty simple here. Who would like to kill Bob in under five minutes? By show of hands. But every time I see one of these, I send it to Chuck because his joke, it keeps going and going and going and then he keeps adding stuff.

[00:53:50] It's a very funny chunk actually. South Carolina, hold my beer Alabama. They want us to restart executions using firing squads and the electric chair. They say the prisoners' deaths don't need to be quick and painless. Say this, I like it.

[00:54:10] Well, I always thought if you had your choice, I would have chose the firing squad but because in my very Libra mind, I thought that meant it was like a French movie in black and white where I would get to go outside

[00:54:24] and I was blindfolded against a stone wall. And a bird flies on your shoulder. Yeah, a little bird comes and say goodbye to me and then, and then I flail around. But I would have chosen that because at least I get to go outside one more time.

[00:54:37] Come on, what's in this for me? Okay, well, I'll get to go outside. But as it turns out, they shoot you inside. What? Yeah, yeah. Well, I don't know then. At least it gets done. I don't want the electric chair.

[00:54:50] I think I'd rather be shot if I have to choose. One prosecutor says prisoners' deaths don't have to be quick and painless. Well, my opinion on this, not to get too deep into all these issues, but I've always said it should be up to the person who,

[00:55:10] the crime is the family of the crime who committed. You guys decide. You can't let him go though if he's a killer. We can't, but you don't want him to die? Fine, we'll let him live in prison. You wanna kill him tomorrow? No problem, we got that too.

[00:55:24] I don't know why they let strangers decide these punishments. And, you know, judges and all that shit. That's why people take it into their own hands. Lawyers for death row inmates in South Carolina are arguing that the state's old electric chair

[00:55:37] and new firing squad are cruel and unusual punishments. Well, it's definitely unusual for your chair to be electric. If it was usual, no one would think it was a big deal. Well, we went to lunch and Brian got the electric chair and thankfully his wings hadn't come yet,

[00:56:03] so I ate him because he was dead in his chair. A firing squad? Yeah, that's unusual. 33 prisoners are now on South Carolina's death group, a group on death row, a group whom are now arguing against certain methods of execution as they have run out of appeals

[00:56:21] because they're also botching these ones. They just botched another one, I sent it to Chuck, where they put some IV in you and then chemicals and it didn't work and the guy floundered about for half an hour. That's terrible.

[00:56:34] Well, I just can't believe we don't know how to do this yet. It's 2024. But that's what they wanna... And then there was a, I used to do a joke about it and I acted a long, long time ago. I think the state of Washington still had hanging

[00:56:48] and then there was a super fat man that he argued that was extra cruel and unusual because he was so fat, his head would snap off. Oh my God. These arguments and then you just wanna go, okay, how would you prefer to die? What ideas do you have?

[00:57:05] But hanging, I don't know. We have a little airline update and this is not good. Somebody wrote, so Southwest Airlines is redoing its insides. You know what that means? A goat. Yeah, a goat. Oh, this is not good if you like Southwest. Ah! It's terrible news. Ah!

[00:57:31] My friend, little Dorf, did you hear that? That's what you're gonna start feeling. Aaron. Yeah, Aaron. Southwest is, they're redoing the insides. The seats are closer together and they're thinner. They're like cardboard. And then they said, they're gonna take out the in-flight entertainment systems. Where are they?

[00:57:53] I have flown Southwest a thousand times this past year. I've never seen, you just see the back of a chair. Yeah, but they don't have plugins. No, they don't have plugins. If you wanna plug in your phone. And then they throw this weird bag of snacks

[00:58:05] where everything's stale and it's the wrong kind. It's like a Weez-It instead of a Cheez-It. What the fuck is that? It's not a pretzel, it's a Zetzel. They're like, everything just tastes stale. I like a lot of the people that work there

[00:58:18] because they're in good moods, but the product, I mean, what do we, I'll take it if it's less than two hours. That's my rule on Southwest. But people think it's cheap now. It is not cheap. It costs from Nashville to St. Louis.

[00:58:31] Now I did buy the one that you could change because I don't business like, cause I don't never know what's going on with the parents. It was like a thousand bucks. It's not cheap, but I didn't wanna connect. So. And you don't even get a drink.

[00:58:47] Oh no, they always go, oh, it's gotta be bumpy, we can't serve drinks. Oh, stop it. You just don't want to. I wouldn't either. I get it. I get it, but. Still, it's bad. Most of the time, you're looking outside, it's perfectly sunny.

[00:59:05] There's no turbulence the whole time. You know what you wanna say? What happened to that? But I can't be that lady on film, on social media. No, with your blinking hat. Comedian loses shit cause can't get light beer. What? Kathleen, rain in it. Wearing that hat.

[00:59:20] Rain in it. Southwest shared a short video on their updated cabin designed to a TikTok post. And this is where people are like, don't be so cheap, don't fly them if you don't. They're not cheap. Nope. No. The plane interior, they are cheap, I will say,

[00:59:35] if you are a college student or a retired person and you do not care what time you leave and you do not care what time you get back and you do not care if you're the C group. Or how many connections. Or how many connections, right.

[00:59:46] Seattle to St. Louis, no problem. You're gonna stop eight times. You're gonna stop in Montana. Now we're gonna weasel our way on over here down to Idaho. Have you seen Boise lately? Great time to look out the window. Then boom. Oh look, we're gonna stop in Denver.

[01:00:00] Oh my God. There's a blizzard, we're delayed. Kansas City, who's a Chief fan? We're stopping here, we're still not to St. Louis. Taking a detour down to South Springfield, Missouri. Whoa, we just passed St. Louis. I know. We're just gonna take the highway.

[01:00:14] Yeah, they should stay on the road. The plane interior you see with an updated interior next year, the ad said, showing viewers oddly similar before and after photos of the empty plane. Even worse, the updated seats appear to be thinner

[01:00:27] than the seats at the beginning of the clip and shaped less to maximize comfort. About a half million people like thousands of people left comments, these are funny. What I'm seeing is rock hard seats. One person, next person. We are getting lawn chairs.

[01:00:43] Another person wrote, is there an option to just stand? You just earned yourself a Delta customer. So anyways, I booked with Delta, it's amazing. That's the best Delta ad I've ever seen. Ooh. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, at least could you put plugs in for phones? Please, please.

[01:01:07] You can't take it across the country without plug-in. No. I don't know how my friend Brian does it. Okay, good crazy news. Tell me what you think. These are the nominees for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame for 2024. Mary J. Blige. Yes.

[01:01:28] Now remember they don't have to be rock and roll. We went through this with Dolly because she turned down it because she goes, I'm not rock and roll. And they're like, it's for everybody. It's just, are you a legend? Doesn't have to be rock.

[01:01:38] I thought it did until the Dolly thing happened. And I'm like, oh, okay. Mariah Carey. Yeah. Well that Christmas song is great. Right. Cher. Yes. Dave Matthews Band. Yes. Eric B and Rakim. I don't know enough. Foreigner. As much as I don't like that.

[01:02:04] I wanna know what love is. I never really liked Foreigner, but they deserve it. I want you to sell me. I have my favorite on here. I'm not too my favorite. Peter Frampton. Yes. Jane's Addiction. Yes. Cool and the Gang.

[01:02:31] I had a friend who opened for her though. She loved them. She's like, you're not gonna believe how great these guys are, it's fantastic. Lenny Kravitz. Yes. Yeah. Oasis. Yes. Yeah. El Champagne Superstar. Sinead O'Connor. Yes. It's been seven hours and 15 days. Annie Lennox did that. Sade.

[01:03:00] You haven't made an album in 28 years. And you only had one. Well, I did the Tonight Show with her one time. Of course you did. Yeah, I did the Tonight Show like 25 times. Elton John and I was so excited. And he canceled and they put the weatherman

[01:03:18] from the Today Show, Willard Scott. I'm like, not, that is not an even trade-out. And I shouldn't have said Jim, that's a slur these days, I forgot. I got ripped off. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I mean, who doesn't like, who didn't like Willard Scott at the time?

[01:03:32] I liked Willard Scott because back then, Bryant Gumbel was such a serious person. And then they would go to the weather and Willard Scott would be on a tractor in Iowa with some lady who's a thousand and go, this is Emma, she's a thousand

[01:03:43] and drives this tractor every day. Yay, birthday wishes, boom, boom, boom, cakes. And it just, it made the show seem like a- It was the Smuckerz ads. Yes. So anyway, I did the Tonight Show with Sade and they kept saying it's a closed set.

[01:03:59] I never even heard of that. I'm like, what does that mean? And they're like, well, it means nobody can go anywhere, backstage or to your dressing rooms until she says so. Okay. Her people say so. And now I'd been on there with some really famous people,

[01:04:15] including a president, Jimmy Carter. And that wasn't even a closed set. And I'm like, what is the secret? Is Sade got some enemies out here we don't know about, something? I don't know. I like that song. The sweetest, taboo, remember that? No. Yeah, come paddles.

[01:04:38] I don't remember that. Did they not have that in Canada? Probably not. You're giving me the sweetest, I can't think of the rest. Well, that's because it probably wasn't a hit. It was a huge hit. It probably was not. Google it, Google chart.

[01:04:52] Smooth operator, that's what she's saying. You're a smooth operator. Smooth operator. Yeah. A tribe called Quest? I don't know enough, but all right. Here's my number one favorite nominee. Ozzy Osbourne! Yes! Crazy hit train. I love Ozzy. So good. My parents said I couldn't go to the concert.

[01:05:20] Yeah, because he was biting chicken. Well, he bit the head off a bat or some shit. I'm like, what do you care? I didn't bite the bat. I'm not getting rabies. What do you care if I go watch somebody? I went anyway. They didn't really firmly say no.

[01:05:36] They were throwing an opinion out there. I don't really know about that Osbourne man. Oh, stop it. It's a show, it's an act. It's like kiss, it's an act. He's not a man. He's the prince of darkness! He's not the prince of darkness.

[01:05:49] If this is all the devil's got to offer, Ozzy Osbourne, I love Ozzy. I love crazy train. It's one of the first songs I learned how to play on the guitar. Ba na na na na na na na. The devil needs to step it up.

[01:06:02] If that's all you got is Ozzy, and Ozzy's wonderful, but he's not the devil. No. It's ridiculous. No, he's adorable. He's what? He's adorable. He's adorable, and I loved his show. He's not as cool as Alice Cooper. Him and Alice Cooper are very similar to me. Yes.

[01:06:19] He was also super, do you believe that Alice walks around all day like that? No, that's what I said to my parents. How do you not understand this is an act? Do you think Elvis, like, let's take your generation, Mom.

[01:06:30] Do you think Elvis walks around in flying pantsuits all goddamn day long? No, he puts on a shirt and pants like a normal human being, and he walks around Graceland drinking a beer. Like, he's not- Is his real name Alice? That man? I don't know.

[01:06:46] One time I did a benefit in St. Louis for Bob Costas' thing, and my dad could not understand that the Goo Goo Dolls were men. He just could not. It was Chuck Berry. Bob Costas used to do these things. Bob was very giving back,

[01:07:01] very great to the city of St. Louis. It was for Cardinal Glennon Children's Hospital. And it was me. It was a crazy show he had booked. It was me, Seinfeld, Chuck Berry, and the Goo Goo Dolls. And the tickets were, because it was a fundraiser thing

[01:07:18] for the Children's Hospital, the tickets were pricey, like 100, 150 or up, up, up, up, up. But it wasn't like my ticket pricing. It was like crazy ticket. But also you get to see Chuck Berry, and who was alive and could still duck walk at like 88.

[01:07:33] And he duck walked across it. And the Goo Goo Girls, my dad kept going, wait a second, you're telling me those men that have eye makeup on back there. Yeah, dad, they have eyeliner on. Why? I don't know, dad. I don't know. I don't.

[01:07:49] That's a very good question. You can ask them. You're backstage here with mom. Mom's just staring at Seinfeld like a moron. She's gotta stop that. Tell her to stop doing that. But Chuck was so nice, and the Goo Goo Dolls wanted a headline.

[01:08:03] And I'm like, are you high? You wanna follow Chuck Berry in his hometown in the Fox Theater, which seats 4,500 people that he opened and sold out, and he's still fine? He's gonna go out there and do his rock and roll shit. And it's just gonna, oh, Maybelline.

[01:08:21] I'm like, you're crazy. But Chuck was a, he loved to gamble. And he just wanted to get back to the casino. So he didn't care. He did not care if he went first, second, third, no ego. He's just like, yeah, I'm just down here playing my songs.

[01:08:34] I gotta get back out to St. Charles. My mom used to gamble with him because he just played slots. And my mom goes, oh, I see what he does. He's playing those $5 slots like a crazy person. I said, you would do the exact same thing

[01:08:46] if you had Chuck's money, mom. You just don't have his money. But anyway, it made me laugh so hard because my dad could not get over, why would five young men call themselves dolls? I don't know, dad. Why don't you go ask them? Hey, first start out with,

[01:09:03] why do you have eyeliner on? Ask them that. And then you're probably not gonna like their haircuts either. You're probably not gonna like any of that, dad. Yeah, a lot of highlights. And I don't know if you know what a highlight is, dad, but it's something,

[01:09:16] it's usually not done in a barber shop. Your union barber shop with the pole outside. Oh, Captain Jack. Next week, I'm gonna tell you more about is Craig Wright Satoshi Nakamoto. And if you don't know who Satoshi Nakamoto is, that's fine. But he's the father of cryptocurrency,

[01:09:43] the father of Bitcoin, and no one knows who he is. His real identity has never been proven. Well, for the schnutz. It's because I'm waiting for the court to decide. And so far it's been very hard to follow and very complicated. There's a man who's named Craig Wright

[01:09:57] who claims he is Satoshi. I don't think so. We will find out. You don't see so. This is from my research assistant, Bob, in California. AT&T wants out of landline services, including in much of Southern California. Okay. Are people still doing landlines? I mean, you know, somebody,

[01:10:23] somebody was trying to send something. This is like seven years ago. And they said, do you have a landline? And I said, I don't know. Because I thought I had to have one for an alarm system back then. Now I would not think that's a necessity.

[01:10:42] And I don't understand why AT&T is still servicing landlines at all. I can see why they want out. People, termites, do you have them in case of emergency? Case what, your cell phones go dead? A landline?

[01:11:05] I don't think I've had one since I was in my twenties. Well, no, I had to have one for a fax machine. So I must've had one in my thirties. You had to have a phone, a landline. AT&T wants out, which is worrying some residents

[01:11:20] who fear losing their connection, especially those in areas where network connection may be unreliable. Well, that's true. They get- And then take out the landlines. Right, you gotta hook them up first. You can't just leave them and lurch. They wanna be relieved of its carrier

[01:11:35] of last resort obligations because the provider is exclusive landline service in many areas being the carrier of the last resort means it's required to provide access to the service to all the customers who want it. Well, was this gonna go to a judge? Will we decide?

[01:11:51] How long were the contracts for? How long did you promise to do this? It's the majority of Orange and Los Angeles counties, as well as portions of Riverside and San Bernardino. These are the ones that are starting with saying, we don't wanna do this anymore.

[01:12:03] Fewer than 7% of households throughout its coverage area in California use a traditional copper-based landline phone service. Well, you could also go down into their houses and say, we're sorry, we're not gonna use a landline anymore. We're not coming out here and fix your shit

[01:12:17] and then hook them up with some sort of like World War II radio thing. Wow. Yeah. Okay. If something goes wrong, patch in on that. We're gonna give you the instructions from MASH. Or give them a free satellite phone,

[01:12:34] like one of those World War II ones where you go. One time I took my mom and the neighbor accidentally to Europe. That's a different story. Rose, the neighbor, this is a long time ago, 20 years ago. She's like, well, Earl got me all hooked up

[01:12:51] with a world phone. I go, oh. What's a world phone? What's a world phone? She fucking yanked this thing out that looked like she was in a ditch in World War I. It was like this big. It was huge. It had this giant antenna.

[01:13:06] She goes, I can call Missouri from right here in Paris. No shit. Let's do it. How much does it cost per minute? Oh, I don't know. Earl don't care as long as he hears from me. Wow. Get the people one of them. Make a trade them.

[01:13:23] Don't just say we're leaving without giving them a trade. And say, how about this? How about the world phone? I don't know what's gonna happen. I didn't know that many people still had them. Termites? Well, when I worked at UP, Upper Peninsula, Michigan at that casino gig,

[01:13:40] none of those people, your cell phones didn't work up there. Well, not none, but a lot did. So I don't know. A lot of paid phones. A lot of paid, there's people just don't care. And there's something wonderful about that. You instantly relax.

[01:14:00] You just have to be willing to die where you're at. In other words, there's no ambulance coming. If it does, it's way too late. If you have a heart attack or something, you're just dead. And that's that. All right, we gotta stop this soon. But-

[01:14:15] Do you have any Valentine's day articles? Valentimes? Valentimes? Yeah. No, I don't have anything for Valentine's Day except for Bucky who's got wings. Look, I got him when I met Bucky. They have a wonderful Valentine's department. Yeah, if you're into that. Did you get anything for Baby Cat?

[01:14:37] Baby Cat has a Instagram version. So it's not the real one. Baby Cat has the litter robot. No! That was my Valentine's gift. This is not Baby Cat. You got her a toilet? I got her a toilet. But it's the most wonderful cat. It's not the litter robot.

[01:14:57] So my friend, Aaron told me about the litter robot. But then I was like, Aaron, I'm not spending $500 on a litter box for Christ sake. The one that's in there right now was $1,199. But then I found one on Instagram

[01:15:11] and first I was really, no, it was on TikTok. And I know sometimes I shouldn't do that. I know. But I bought a sweater off Instagram. It's wonderful. I get a lot of compliments on it. Have you bought anything else off Instagram that does not work?

[01:15:24] I bought a lot of things off Instagram that weren't what they seemed when they arrived and you can't send them back cause it's all from China and some, it's a fake place, whatever. It's just fake. The whole thing's fake.

[01:15:34] But this thing, I trusted the lady in the TikTok video and it seems smaller. The litter robot takes up a big space and it turns itself and it rotates the litter and then it takes the bad litter

[01:15:48] and puts it in this bag and you just open this all. But it's what the lady didn't tell me in a video is that I'm gonna have to download an app, hook up to wifi. I thought that would be an option.

[01:16:00] If you want a report of when your cat went to the bathroom, it will send it to the app. I don't need to know every time the cat goes in the garden. I don't care as long as she's using it.

[01:16:09] And then it tells me when the thing is, I can check the bag. I don't need, well, I thought that would be optional. It was not. So I had to do all that. Is that what we're doing after this? And then just insert fire poker into my eyeball.

[01:16:25] I'm like, God damn it. There's 18 questions. When was her birthday? I don't know. These cats just showed up. Is she an Aries? What? What are these questions? How much does she weigh? I'm like, I don't know. She feels like one of my five pound weights.

[01:16:39] So I'm gonna say five pounds. Turns out she weighs 4.9. But what if Chappell wants to go in and he's a fat ass? Chappell probably weighs eight. That's her present. It's not the litter robot. It's like the litter robot, but it rotates the litter.

[01:16:55] So my present to her is her feet never have to go into a dirty litter box. Her little precious paws. Her little princess. Little princess. She's treated like the princess that she is. This is a feel good story. This is our feel good story.

[01:17:12] I'm gonna send you off then. Donna Kelsey. I know everybody's sick of all these people. Okay, Mama Kelsey. So she has a cookie recipe, right? And the small business asked to use her famous cookie recipe on mugs to help pay off students' lunch debts. Oh! Uh-huh.

[01:17:35] So this is an elementary school in Kansas. Now for the record, the Kansas City Chiefs play in Missouri. The last time they won, or one of the years, our dear president tweeted out, "'Congratulations to the great state of Kansas.'" And everyone in Missouri lost their goddamn minds

[01:17:57] and said, look, the Kansas City has a line through it. Half is in Kansas, half is in Missouri. The Chiefs Arrowhead Stadium is in Missouri. Joe's Barbecue, which I love, is in Kansas. And that doesn't mean I'm against helping children in Kansas schools.

[01:18:17] I'm just trying to point out she's 71 years old. I didn't realize she was that old. But the owner reached out to collaborate on a new mug for charity. After Donna Venmoed me, she bought one of their mugs. I sent a thank you note and I asked her

[01:18:34] if I could put her cookie recipe on a mug and donate $5 per mug sold to pay off elementary school lunch debt. And she said, yes. Annie Stowe, Tells People Magazine, referring to the famous chocolate chip cookies that Kelsey made for Travis and Jason

[01:18:48] before they played in the Super Bowl in 2023. That's great. Yeah. Hold on, I'm gonna tell you. They sold enough mugs to raise $2,000. Cool. Adding that the mugs sell for $15, $18 apiece, five of each resale, benefiting her out of the red Friday initiative to pay off school lunch debts.

[01:19:08] That's sad those kids have lunch debts. It's ridiculous. Yeah. Since that story aired on TV, they've now raised an additional $2,100, bringing it to $4,100. That's great. More than three million students in the United States can't afford their school meals. That's ridiculous.

[01:19:25] The national public meal debt totaling 262 million a year. In Kansas alone, school meal debt is, oh my God, $23,515,926. Right. So good for Donna. Yeah. Give up your cookie recipe, save some Sarah some money. We're gonna read a quote here.

[01:19:47] Oh wait, I'm gonna tell you guys where I'm going then we'll read our quotes before we go. Cause the summer dates. They're up. They're up. Oh my God. And I do not recall I needed a t-shirt sold out so fast. We are definitely doing a second run.

[01:20:00] I apologize to you two times and three times. I don't know why they sold so quickly. I'm on it. I heard you. Smalls? No, no. That's the last one to be bought out. All you small people, which include myself, not pulling your weight out there.

[01:20:19] Maybe you don't have enough weight to pull. But the two times and three times I hear you and I will do it. We're on it. I promise. Oh God, dang. There's also a St. Patrick's Day shirt coming out. A St. Patrick's Day shirt will come up.

[01:20:33] But I do not recall I need an attorney. More of those are coming. And I'm a little distracted cause it looks like there's gonna be a tornado. All good. Yeah. So here's where I'm going. Scottsdale, Chattanooga, Chattanooga, choo-choo. Huntsville, Alabama. Royal Oak, two shows.

[01:20:55] I think they're sold out. But you never know. I will say this honestly. Sometimes the venues hold quote marketing comps back and those are theirs to give. They're not mine. And it's for radio people, whomever that they market with. And then sometimes at the last minute,

[01:21:13] that's how I got an Adele ticket because I know that information. And the day of the show, I'm like, maybe they dump some marketing comps. Boom. There's the tickets. So if I say it's sold out, it is, but you can always go check.

[01:21:25] Dayton, Indianapolis, San Antonio, Austin, Marietta, Ohio, Cincinnati, Ohio, Tarrytown, Wilmington, Delaware, Anaheim, California, Thousand Oaks, California. Here's the summer dates. I'm so excited. Nice. Yeah, I work some in the summer. I don't work as hard as I usually do September through May. But these are all fun,

[01:21:49] either casino or vacation areas. June 8th, West Hampton, New York. Never been there. I can honestly, I don't think so. No. June 16th, Charlestown, West Virginia, casino gig, love it. Love it every time. June 29th, Portland, Maine. I've been begging to go back there. Boom, it's happening.

[01:22:11] The state theater. Yeah. There was that wonderful yacht there with it was named Kathleen. And I'm like, I should be able to steal that because clearly it already says my name on it and it's spelled the way I spell mine with a K.

[01:22:24] July 19th, boom, Atlantic City, poor guy. I know where to gamble there. I always win so much money. Really? There's a video poker machine. I'm not gonna say where it's at, but it's in that casino. Even Lewis wins with his negative Nancy attitude. That's where the mermaids are.

[01:22:48] The mermaid drinks, yeah. The Palomas. June, August 10th, boom, Niagara Falls. Canada. Canada. In Canada, we may have some secrets for you in the fall. Hang tight. Don't give up on me. August 24th, Hampton Beach, New Hampshire. Did that gig. So, so, so fun.

[01:23:12] I believe my friend Kelly McFarlane is gonna do it with me this time. I think so, yeah. I forget who I got going everywhere. But it's always fun to see comedians that I haven't seen in a bit. And that's what's happening out on the road.

[01:23:25] So giddy up, yee haw. Happy Mardi Gras? Mardi Gras, love Mardi Gras. Let's do a Dolly and then we'll do a Tay Tay quote because Tay Tay might go silent here for a while now that all the hoopla is over. She needs a time out.

[01:23:45] Reflecting her distinctive appearance in an article by Harper's Bazaar, Dolly said, I look just like the girl next door if you happen to live next to an amusement park. Oh my God. Cute, funny. Tay Tay, let's pick one here. That one's boring. Yeah, oh, let's go to heartache.

[01:24:16] USA today, October 17th, 2012. At some point you grow out of being attracted to that flame that burns you over and over and over again. Yeah, that's why we have the show snapped. Yes. You go, you were cute a long time ago. She ain't cute no more.

[01:24:38] All right termites, that's all I got for you this time. I'll see you guys out on the road somewhere. Hopefully if this, this looks like it could be a tornado or snow but it's too hot for snow which makes me think the weather is so bizarre.

[01:24:57] Lewis is sitting in New York. I almost had to hang up on him. Lewis is my friend, the comedian, and he's in New York right now and he's screaming. I picked up the phone and he usually doesn't scream and I'll just tell this and be done.

[01:25:11] He usually doesn't like go crazy on the phone. He's a very calm person, usually not calm, he's always anxiety ridden but he doesn't yell and scream and rant. He doesn't do that in real life where you have a stroke every five minutes

[01:25:23] but he was so mad about the weather. He's like, I mean, it's supposed to happen tomorrow and they're saying, I don't know, could be three to five, could be a foot of snow. Well, somebody's gotta get closer. You need closer than that. This is bullshit, it's 2024.

[01:25:38] I go, Lou, the winds change. Like calm down. He's so mad that he doesn't know what's gonna happen tomorrow and I said, look, you have all the money you need to keep yourself happy, fat and comfortable in a wonderful apartment. What do you care?

[01:25:57] You don't have to travel till Thursday. It'll all be gone by then. Canada gets blamed a lot for the weather here. Canada should be blamed for the weather here. Canada should absolutely be blamed. Yes. Jet stream. Yeah, the jet stream. You're the one sending this goddamn zero below,

[01:26:11] nothing, freezing bullshit. Something's happening out there right now. All right, this is what happens to me in school. That's why, they should have never had windows in a Catholic school. Kathleen, what are you looking at? Oh, fuck if I know but it's something out there

[01:26:25] it's better to listen to what's going on in here. All right, termites. Happy Valentine's or as one of my friends, I won't say who used to pronounce it Valentine's and then we used to mock him behind his back and then I would call my other friend

[01:26:39] and just go happy Valentine's day. And he would also say, supposedly. It's Valentine's. It's Valentine's. With an M. Yeah, Valentine's. I'm like, who's gonna tell them? And then my other friend goes, no one. That's why we're gonna laugh every time he does it. Supposedly, it's Valentine's.

[01:26:58] All right, termites, that's it. Ready? Night, night. Chiefs, chiefs, chiefs, chiefs.